to be fed up of feeling poor, dh on 45k i'm a sahm, we have no debts and a good life, yet i still feel a bit poor

[dovebird]

we don't have money worries, our house is worth a fair bit more[40k at least] more than we owe on it, i'm happy being a sahm, we have a happy marraige on the whole,healthy as far as we know,nice car, been one one holiday abroad this year and 5 weekends away in uk.
we have a largeish 3 bedroom house which more than meets our needs
we get to have days out and meals out fairly often

i am surrounded by wealthy people though, with huge houses and very good lifestyles [ie gardeners, cleaners, never do their own d.i.y etc]

i'm fed up of feeling poor all time.

OP I sympathise

• We havent had a holiday in 6 years, not even a weekend break in the UK
• My kitchen still isnt finished even though we moved in 6 years ago
• We're having to do the decorating (that hasnt beeen done since we moved in) even though I am heavily pg because we cant afford to pay anyone
• My lovely garden is now shite because I am not SAHM (have to work FT to pay bills and feed us all) so dont have time to look after it myself
• My washing machine doesnt clean my clothes properley unless it goes on a full 2 hour cycle but atm cant afford another one

You sound just like the sort of person Id love to be friends with, fancy coming round for a coffee and a reality check sometime?

I dont think YABU to post this. i think you need to either value what you have more - be happy with the decisions you have made, or work out what you need to change.

you mention feeling time poor, do you think this might relate to your DH being the earner and you doing all/most of the child care? may be you just need to mix things up more.

I think YABU.

I am in a similar position. DH is on around 46K with company car, I am a SAHM at present as DD is only 10weeks.
However DH has a 90mile each way commute. He is under a lot of stress due to a nasty boss. We are in negative equity so can't move closer to his work.
I want to work but finding a job around here that doesn't require much in the way in childcare is difficult - I worked for years in a specialist industry but I have been out of it too long to go back, as I would have to start at the beginning working for low pay, unsociable hours just to pay for the childcare for 2 DCs, plus there is no jobs in this industry in this immediate area.

However DH does enjoy his job when nasty boss isn't having a go. We have a nice house and we have 2 beautiful (in my admittedly biased opinion) children, plus there is a self-employment work from home opportunity that I used to do before having DD which I hope to get back into in the new year so overall we are much better off than a lot of people who are struggling to make ends meet.

Stop looking at what everyone else has and appreciate what YOU have!

Spiders just wondering, why have you posted a picture of your house on your profile?

Sorry, just don't really understand why people do this on an anonymous forum. I was curious and clicked on your photos as you referred to them in your post. I don't normally look for photos of posters though, I mostly get a sense of them from their posts. What do you want us to understand about you from these photos? Curious.

And Xenia, another moderate and sensitive post from you again What you need to understand is that not everyone thinks like you or wants what you want. Please don't belittle that.

OP I just had a good cry at your original post. I understand your jealousy of your friends because I know wealthy people who have that too, but maybe you should be comparing yourself to those less fortunate than you? I was working FT and developed a health complaint that means I can't work at all. I had to register as self employed though (didn't qualify for disability benefits as condition changes) and am trying to do anything I can to earn from home - I earn about the same as if I were on benefits now. DP and I want to get married but can't even afford the hundred quid it'd cost to put on something we already own and go to the register office. Our house is rented and always will be because we have no possible way of raising a deposit for a mortgage. We have a baby on the way and DP was told earlier this year to expect to be made redundant before baby comes in a few months which means that we would also lose our home. I don't like telling you this because frankly I don't like to think about it myself, but I think you need to realise just how lucky you are. I would do anything to be in your position and I'm sure other mumsnetters feel the same.

Xenia - "No one in their right mind becomes a housewife." . What a charming person you sound.

You're a SAHM - what time envy? Bloody hell, do you want a life of leisure where you never have to do anything you don't want to do? That's not an adult life.

I am sure this must be a joke. I mean 45K is a good salary and you live in a nice house. You get to stay at home so must mean you are not desperate for money to pay the bills. You are obviously not that desperate for the money or you would have tried to get a part time job.

DP earns just over 40K, I've been training over the past 12 months so not earning a huge amount (I've been picking up £160 a month)

We don't own a house, we rent. We have 4 kids and a 20 year old car. Despite being careful, meal planning etc we very often have more month than money. If we had 2 little kids then I guess we'd be richer, but teenagers are expensive (eg adult sized clothes/shoes, school uniforms, school trips etc...)

The rise in the cost of fuel and food has been an issue over the past two years.

However, I now have a decent job that will pay a decent amount of money (from september) that will make a huuuuge difference. So you can all put your tiny violins away

You have my pity Xenia. you really do. are you at the "cult" level of feminism?

OP, I hope some of the responses have provoked some thought.

You sound very unfulfilled. Although I dont agree with all of Xenia's post, your life, to me, sounds incredibly dull and boring.

I think you need to mix with poorer people, OP. Go (regularly) volunteer in a hospice or similar. You'll come home with a new window on the world & perspective on relative wealth.

5-7 holidays/yr? Why am I the only MNer who knows so many people who never have any sort of holiday at all?

Owning the worst/poorest house in a good neighbourhood is an excellent financial move, btw, I envy you on that one!

We are in a similar position to you, but we do have debts - car, mortgage, credit card. I too am a SAHM but mainly due to our rural location and my lack of driving skills (plus we can't afford two cars) - I would have to get a pretty good job to be able to pay to run another car AND childcare for three children. BUT at least I don't have to work in the pub down the road in the evenings which would be necessary if we were REALLY skint. So I try to count my blessings. Yes, we are skint for the last week of the month EVERY month but that's mainly due to our bad budgeting... we can pay our bills, feed ourselves and do the odd day out and usually a UK holiday too. Most of our friends seem to be better off, ie they have 2-3 UK holidays or possibly even a foreign one, they seem to go out more, buy more new clothes... but I try not to let it bother me.

I read somewhere that you should never compare your life to others' - but if you have to, then COMPARE DOWN. What do you HAVE that most others don't? 95% of the people in the world don't have half the things you have. It's all about keeping some perspective and not aspiring to the shallow things in life. I'm not a saint - some days I get really hacked off with my messy, too-small house with its damp, and long for a 2-wk holiday by the pool in the Caribbean, and just want to go and blow £500 on some new clothes for a change! When the kids are older and all at school I'm fully intending to get a job, but I've no doubt that my salary will get sucked into the black hole too :)...

I think in Affluenza it's pointed out that people with 5 million feel poor because they know others with 10 million.

Don't abuse the OP; she is living in the same world as all of us, and lots of little marketing gremlins exist to make us all feel deprived so we'll go off to Westfield and max out our credit cards.

I know it sounds Polyannaish, but you could think of the non-material blessings you have - your dh, your dcs, the smell of a toddler's hair, the sound of rain on the roof, the fact that you can walk, see, hear... and if you can actually do DIY that's a lovely thing, to make your own home. None of that is For Sale. Steve Jobs can't buy himself twenty more years of life.

I've only read the thread title so apolgies if it's been said before - but 45K is not a lot if you live in London with a family -

I love that post seiglinde

sieglinde sorry

OP you are laaaaaazy! Or a 13 yr old teenager!

So DH goes to work, long hours for 45k i'm guessing (which round here is probably average household income & not extravagant)

You get to sah with the children- What I see as one of the biggest luxurys of todays society.

and you are still not happy!!????

Where has everyone got this bloody sense of "entitlement" from? The looters felt "entitled" to just smash there way into a store & leave with arms full of "shopping". You think you are "entitled" to swan around your house all day & do nothing because that is what the neighbours do!

I agree with many of the others that said that you need to have a taste life in the "real world"!

What a fantastic post sieglinde

You are absolutely right. A lot of us are "wealthy" in ways which are not purely in terms of material goods.

Many wonderful and important things in life are simply not for sale and are impossible to purchase no matter how much money you have.

I wonder how many of you saying money isn't everything would throw your blackberry in the bin and go and listen to the rain?

Sieglinde - You are exactly right - I swear that it is thinking about the little person I'm growing, the fact that I get to spend time with DP, and the over little luxuries that I have that keep me going at times!

I also don't want to sound Pollyannaish sieglinde but sometimes when I feel envious that I don't have a cleaner, nanny, housekeeper, bigger house, etc I remind myself of how much I do have. Access to clean water, a roof over my head, clothes to wear, access to healthcare, right to vote in a democratic country, etc. Really brought it home to me watching news coverage of the droughts in East Africa . Can't even imagine what that would be like to trek for 3 days to access healthcare whilst severely malnourished and to have my children die before I could get them help

That's not to say that I don't ever feel envious of people with more than me [I live in London where it sometimes seems very apparent how much wealth some sections of society have] but I try and temper this with feeling grateful for how lucky I am in world terms - and I do recognise that there are some in London who really struggle too

no matter what you earn, you will always have to make sacrifices & compromises.

I want to spend time with my children whilst they are still small. We can't afford for me not to earn, so I work part time.

We stayed in our 2 bed flat rather than move to a bigger property for that reason. We go without but we also have a lot more than many others.

My Grandmother was sent to work "in service" at the age of 12 as her family could not afford to "keep" her. As a young Mother she often had bread & gravy for dinner as the meat & vegtables had gone to her DH & children. She had lived a tough life but was the jolliest lady & never once complained about the hand that she had been dealt in life.

We owe a lot to her generation, they knew what hardship was.