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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of feeling poor, dh on 45k i'm a sahm, we have no debts and a good life, yet i still feel a bit poor

403 replies

dovebird · 25/08/2011 22:14

we don't have money worries, our house is worth a fair bit more[40k at least] more than we owe on it, i'm happy being a sahm, we have a happy marraige on the whole,healthy as far as we know,nice car, been one one holiday abroad this year and 5 weekends away in uk.
we have a largeish 3 bedroom house which more than meets our needs
we get to have days out and meals out fairly often

i am surrounded by wealthy people though, with huge houses and very good lifestyles [ie gardeners, cleaners, never do their own d.i.y etc]

i'm fed up of feeling poor all time.

OP posts:
cuteboots · 30/08/2011 13:47

get a grip!

Original poster
dovebird · 31/08/2011 16:27

thought you'd like an update, well i managed to get hold of affluenza, done the tests in there, seems i do have affluenza, but i'm not at risk of distress because of it.
alot of the questions on the distress part ask things like, have you cursed yourself for being stupid, fat or lazy, or have you every found it difficult to relax etc.
i've never done any of those things. so i was quite shocked to find i actually got the lowest score possible for the distressed part.
so seem like i haven't got it too bad after all.

i'm still working through the rest of the book, i had to go to a differnent library to get it, and it's only 3 miles, from here, bit a totally different world, as it's next to a parkthe dc wanted to go int he park, there were 10 year old riding bikes really fast around the enclosed playground,probably about 20mph, highly likely to crash into little toddlers
a group of about 5 children-7-12 age range] having a stone fightHmm
yes throught large stones at each other as part of their game.
when i went into the library it stunk of urine
it's was bloody rough and horrible and i was glad to get out of there.

to people that say to me get a job, i have a job, i'm raising my children who are not even at school yet, yes i accept if i was to return to paid work now i would probaby have more material things, and yet i still make that choice as i feel it is best for them to be brought up by someone who loves them deeply and i'm not willing to comprimise my children,or childcare, so although i admit to being quite materialistic i'm clearly not that bothered by having less than alot of people i know.
this is in no way a dig at people who woh, they make their choice as i do, but it's silly to say get a job, when i actually work very hard and do a fantastic job and enjoy it.

i have thought alot about your comments,and agree i was being totally greedy, another thread on here the other day, where the opwas saying she loved her dp but didn't fancy him anymore, really made me think how lucky i am to have a family who i love so much.
i also realise alot of people that seem to have so much may well be upto their eyeballs in debt, or have been given huge handouts in life, or may have health problems or marriage problems etc

as for the usual cries of troll,
if i was going to troll, i'd make it about something alot more interesting/funnier than this!
i've already said our morgage is quite low due to buying our first house 11 years ago.

if you want me to update again when i have read the book, i will.

OP posts:
NormanTebbit · 31/08/2011 16:45

I think you are a bit of a princess TBH.

iklboo · 31/08/2011 16:49

DH earned so little last year (self employed) he didn't have to pay tax. We got by on my considerably less than £40k. Your neighbours might be up to their eye teeth in debt financing their lifestyles.

iklboo · 31/08/2011 16:53

It could be worse though. You could be Liz Jones. Grin

southmum · 31/08/2011 16:57

Kids throwing stones? The shock!! Riding bikes in a playground? How dare they!!

Your little story about the library stinking of piss, the feral kids and it all only being 3 miles from your house has got nothing to do with anything. Sorry but your personality sounds uglier with each post

Shoutymomma · 31/08/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ThePosieParker · 31/08/2011 16:58

To envy people when you have what you have comes down to basic unhappiness, grass is always greener type stuff. Truly happy people can be rich or poor, money is nothing to do with it. I suspect when you have it all you may still wnat more, I would love to hear if Affluenza changes anything. Our stakes and income are above yours but I still feel the same and fall for designer trappings and expensive stuff to make me happy for five minutes.,

usingapseudonym · 31/08/2011 17:32

I'm still amazed by these threads. I sometimes wonder if we're the only ones with a household income of under £30 grand on mumsnet....

I could certainly go on holiday 6 times a year if I was on 45 grand. We go on holiday a lot (camping!) on a lot less. Sigh.

I completely get the envy thing though in that all my oxbridge contempories seem to be doing well in life and I married a low-earner. I wouldn't change him but now 10 years on do realise that money does buy (some) happiness or at least options. I would love my daughter to have music/gym lessons etc. I would love to live in a non-council estate area etc etc.

DizzyKipper · 31/08/2011 17:36

Wonder know more usingapseudonum, me and OH are also on a household income of less than £30k - we still don't seem to be as ungrateful for what we have than OP though.

NormanTebbit · 31/08/2011 18:06

And it's not silly to say get a job to someone who is moaning about how little her husband earns and how she would like 6 holidays a year like Mrs Jones up the road.

TheRealTillyMinto · 31/08/2011 19:14

dovebird do write your update when you have read the book.... i suspect many posters complain in RL about not having enough money when they have an income like yours.

i think when you look at someone, if you want something they have, you need to consider their whole package, would you swap your entire life or their entire life? i have never answered yes to that question yet.

Xenia · 31/08/2011 21:45

I don't think most of us would say we do a fantastic job. How can you judge you do a fantasic job of bringing up you8r children? What about good old English self deprecation? I think some work on the sins of envy and pride might be the homework for the week.

using why do you think you should live off a man's earnings? Huge numbers of mumsnetters earn a lot of money. Loads of women in 2011 work full time and well outearn their husbands. Go forth and do it.

Original poster
dovebird · 31/08/2011 21:49

ok, will do.
good advice about considering the whole package

OP posts:
Original poster
dovebird · 31/08/2011 21:56

xenia, your boring me.

at lol at the thought of you of all people being self deprocating!

i'm certainly not going to list all the reasons why i feel i'm doing a fantastic job.
and i never would not swap my life with yours, your life can't be all that given you spend most of it on here bleating on about the same thing day in day out.....

now go and bore someone else

OP posts:
blueshoes · 31/08/2011 23:29

Raising your own children is not a job.

Original poster
dovebird · 01/09/2011 00:18

i'm explaining why i don't choose to do paid work.
i cannot be in two places at once and this is more important to me and my children/family.

OP posts:
midlandsmumof4 · 01/09/2011 02:22

But Dovebird-you may feel as though you are surrounded by wealthy people. You don't know their personal circumstances. How do you know they are not up to their necks in debt, behind with their mortgage and worrying about keeping up their 'very good lifestyles'. Sad. You may be the richest family ...Smile.

midlandsmumof4 · 01/09/2011 02:26

That was to Doves op btw..........Smile.

Serenitysutton · 01/09/2011 03:29

I think if she were having a joke she'd pick a higher salary though? 1 person on£45k wouldn't get you anywhere In a wealthy area, unless you have a strange idea of what a wealthy area is.

usingapseudonym · 01/09/2011 07:20

It's still a pretty good salary, and a pretty good income.Particularly if they bought their house before 2006.

BrandyAlexander · 01/09/2011 07:25

dovebird, you have already accepted that yabu but I still think you don't understand why yabu. Unless you are lucky (inheritance or lottery win) the only legal way of making enough money for the lifestyle you desire is for either one of you to be in a very high paying job or for both of you to be in high paying jobs. You have already said that your priority is for you to be at home with your family. That's absolutely fine but a consequence is that it knocks out two of the options you have got. Your last option is to have a v high earning partner. Well you don't want a different one as you have said you're very happy with your dh. So actually, you want a luxury lifestyle (cleaners, gardeners and handymen are not the norm) and you want your dh to provide it. Are you going to sit down and have this conversation with him and tell him he's failing to meet your expectations and needs to work harder to get promotions and/or change jobs or careers?

I frequently come across women who subconsciously impart this message to their dhs and try to be backseat drivers in their husbands careers. I work with the dhs and the result is always a path that starts with that he feels under pressure, then feels like he isn't good enough, then feels resentful towards his dw, then begins to totally disrespect her and doesn't value her as an equal (eg well I bring in the money so you can do all the child raising). It usually ends in the dh having an affair with a work. I am not saying the dh is justified just stating as fact what tends to happen in the City where people can earn a lot. I said earlier count your blessings if you have a comfortable but not wealthy lifestyle as if you are not prepared to financially contribute as a solution then there are no other solutions so accept that like 99% of the population and move on.

TandB · 01/09/2011 07:30

Accusing Xenia of 'bleating on' smacks a little of the pot calling the kettle black, given the self-pitying nature of the whole premise of this thread.

Perhaps the OP could stop 'bleating on' about people who have more than her and actually something about it.

strandednomore · 01/09/2011 07:57

Raising your own children is not a job. - why not? If she wasn't doing the childcare she would be paying someone else to do it? Why is looking after your children yourself while they are young not considered a legitimate job?

Xenia · 01/09/2011 08:00

As I said above the reasons I feel good/rich are having children to love and being healthy and happy. The money is not much to do with those feelings although most people are happier when they spend within their income not over it.

The men whose non working wives pressure them to earn more which novice describes do exist. Sometimes the wives can help them although the time when her connections, how she is at the social events she arranges to ensure her hsuband meets XYZ man do work although less than they used to. If you want your man to earn much more what do you to further his career? Have you met other people from the people who might give him career advice or find business for him and introduced them all? Do you organise his social life with an aim of improving his earning capacity and giving him better contacts? Gosh that is not a way I would like to operate as I think women should earn their own money whislt briging up their chidlren but it is certainly another route open to you. Tell us rioughly what he does and may be some of us here could even help him get more work, increase his income.

Either you change your internal psychology to be happy with what you have or else take some action - your own work or helping your husband earn more to make the income higher. All the traditional religions teach humility and acceptance. They would preach that if others have more than you rejoice in it. You may not be religious but it's not a bad state of mind.= to have. Wow isn't it lovely that my neighbour has a new car compared with I am green with envy and want to slash its tyres as I am jealous. Why not delight in the pleasure of others? That is probably a stance most of us take with our children and it's not impossible to extend that feeling to how we feel about the wider world. It's just a mind set thing.