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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take half her dole money from her?

349 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 23/08/2011 18:28

Eldest DD recently completed full time further education course and has since had no luck finding a job. Sad She has signed on the dole today.

She is now in shock because I told her she has to give me half of her dole each fortnight for her bed and board. She is getting excellent value for money IMO. She thinks it is too much. AIBU?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 23/08/2011 20:12

I lived at home for nothing, but I was saving 70% of my wage towards a house deposit, paying 20% in commuting costs and the rest was for clothes, toiletries etc.

I cooked the dinner twice a week and paid for an occasional takeaway.

OP I would save the money for her, unless you think she can be trusted to save it for herself? But YANBU.

Fabby you are bonkers, and one day your overweening pride and smugness about your boys will come and bite you on the arse. I just hope it doesn't bite them too.

lachesis · 23/08/2011 20:14

I wouldn't be proud if my 17-year-old didn't even know how to turn on the cooker.

pranma · 23/08/2011 20:15

I would take £20 a week but she only gets bed and board for that.It wont cover it but she is your dd not a lodger.

voddiekeepsmesane · 23/08/2011 20:15

*I lived on crackers because I had two stone to lose.

It worked too! Are you fat? Maybe you should try it.*

Thats not a healthy way to lose weight and nobody should even attempt it, silly silly

(wonders off shaking her head)

voddiekeepsmesane · 23/08/2011 20:17

BTW op I would perhaps take 15 a week and place it in a savings account for her if you do not actually need it. She will be thankful for this bit of extra money to furnish a place when she moves out

grinningbee · 23/08/2011 20:17

When I started work back in 1987 I was on the YTS. I got £27.50 a week, and had to pay what my step mum lost in child benefit. I also paid the bus fair and bought my own toiletries. When I got a bigger salary when taken on (£340) I paid them £120 a month.

I think it's only fair, and wouldn't hesitate myself later on to do the same. What I may do though is put it by for them to help with deposit etc.

YANBU

WinterIsComing · 23/08/2011 20:18

Crackers isn't it?

I'll get me coat...

coccyx · 23/08/2011 20:19

Wonders why someone on50k plus bonus is in a houseshare????

Andrewofgg · 23/08/2011 20:19

She should pay something to learn that life is like that.

thatsenough · 23/08/2011 20:20

I paid £40 a week and the entire phone bill back in the mid-1990s, it was a still a shock when I found myself with a mortgage and all the associated bills to pay.

OP YANBU!

SouthernFriedTofu · 23/08/2011 20:27

I have successfully brought up two children one is 23 and one is 18, the 23 year old got a first in Maths at Warwick he is now in a job paying 50k plus bonuses a year

he'll need it though, the costs of personal cook and cleaners is sky high I hear!

triskaidekaphile · 23/08/2011 20:29

I don't think yabu at all but half is a bit too much. I'd charge 1/3 or 1/4.My dad would never charge me rent during the brief periods I lived at home with him as an adult and it made me feel really guilty. I wanted to contribute something financially, even though I knew he didn't need it.

usualsuspect · 23/08/2011 20:29

If I didn't need the money ,I wouldn't take any of her dole money

ImperialBlether · 23/08/2011 20:31

I think so much depends on the child and on the job situation. Obviously she needs to pay something.

If she is spending her days in bed and then moaning about the lack of jobs, I would take half off her and make her do some housework, too.

If, however, she is out every day, handing out cvs, searching and searching online etc, then I would be a bit kinder, but I'd still take £10 a week off her and give it to her for her bus fares etc.

My goal would be to make sure she hated being on the dole - sounds hard, but the last thing you want is for her to get too comfortable with it.

Asmodeus · 23/08/2011 20:42

YANBU. She's an adult now. I've been thinking about the time when I might have to ask this of my own kids and it upsets me. I'm their Mum, I don't want money from them! But, I'll need it and that's life so they will have to cough up as hard as will be for me to ask.

diddl · 23/08/2011 20:43

"diddl yes thats what the dole is for Topshop and panniesHmm"

I haven´t said that at all.

Others have said that OP shouldn´t take money off her as she is young & should be buying clothes & socialising.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 20:45

usual if you need it then you need it but get her onto MSE on how to boost your income, she could do Avon (no initial outlay) or Kleeneze (when I asked was told it was crap and £150 paid out up front) or similar so she is not sitting around but working to gain some extra income. She will need to check but I think you can earn another £20 a week on top of your benefits but not sure, so she will need to check that out.

gotolder · 23/08/2011 20:49

Havn't read all the thread, but the way we worked out what DCs and "extras" who lived with us was:

Added up all the bills for the house, not including mortgage ( that was our capital investment which the young people had no share in)

Divided the total of the bills by the number of people in the house and that was their "rent" (include food/phone/community charge/power/washing etc. etc.)

There were some minor complaints but when my DS moved out to a shared house he was STILL devastated to discover how expensive it was not living at home.

We did have some discount(?) for those on the dole but I can't remember the details now - I am talking more than 40 years ago - and everyone thought that was fair(ish!).Smile

It is never too soon to indicate what an expensive world it is "out there".

usualsuspect · 23/08/2011 20:52

Mitmoo ,My answer was to the op

I never took any money from my DDs ,they bought shopping or gave me money towards the phone bill but I never took a set amount each week

and you know what ,they both have their own houses and know how to budget

HeadfirstForHalos · 23/08/2011 20:55

Dole is not pocket money, it's for bills, food, rent etc! YANBU, indeed you are teaching valuable life lessons!

kiki22 · 23/08/2011 20:57

YANBU - i know far to many people who's parents never took a penny from them and got shock of their lives when they went into the real world. I paid the most in digs out of all my friends and worked for free 5 hours a week for my mums business when i lost my job to pay my way and now i am the only one not in debt as i learned from the start you pay your bills n buy what you want with the left overs they learned they buy what they want and mum n dad will sort the rest.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 21:00

usual sorry my mistake, when I was young we had to get into work but there was work to be had then and main breadwinner (Dad RIP) had died, so we all chipped in (Bread style tv programme). It was necessity, we had to support Mum who was in a terrible state so we just did it. It wasn't anywhere near half but we all did our little bit. Carrying on in education was not an option.

What hacked me off more than contributing is that the girls were expected to do the housework and the boys just made the mess. Grrrrrrrrrr. Still brings out the feminist in me.

SlackSally · 23/08/2011 21:12

I did exactly this when I was on my gap year. Took me ages to find a job and I paid roughly half of JSA to my parents, who DID probably need it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the money off her, but love the idea of saving some or all of it for a deposit or something.

That way, she'd be getting the money, but only after she's grafted in a job for a while.

Fabby clearly bonkers, and has STILL never said what her son's amazing job is.

Lucy88 · 23/08/2011 21:22

As soon as I got my first job (paying £45 a week) I gave my Mum £15 a week. Obviously this went up as I got pay rises. Why should I live at my parents house for free or eat for free.

It taught me to budget and realise that nothing in life is free. It also meant that when I bought my own house, paying a mortgage didn't come as such a shock, as I was used to paying my Mum.

I have a Cousin who's Mum has never taken a penny from him and even when he moved out to live with his girlfriend, she still did his washing and ironing, made him lunch to take to work and cooked his meals if his girlfriend was at work. His girlfriends got sick of him being a Mummy's boy and moved out. Not too long after his Mum sadly passed away. My Cousin ended up having a nervous breakdown because he couldn't cope.

As parents we are here to cherish, love and look after our children, however it is also our job to ensure that they grow up to become independant adults, who can make their own way in life. Mollycodling them does not help.

You are totally right to take some money from her dole - maybe £10 a week.

lachesis · 23/08/2011 21:24

My mother lived at home till she married and had to pay room and board out of her wages. When she married my dad her father gave her half what she'd put in, plus interest. But even now, she's an amazing budgetter. She's one of the most resourceful people I know.

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