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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take half her dole money from her?

349 replies

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 23/08/2011 18:28

Eldest DD recently completed full time further education course and has since had no luck finding a job. Sad She has signed on the dole today.

She is now in shock because I told her she has to give me half of her dole each fortnight for her bed and board. She is getting excellent value for money IMO. She thinks it is too much. AIBU?

OP posts:
SouthernFriedTofu · 23/08/2011 19:22

I can't wait to see the MIL threads Fabby's son's wife will come out with Grin

AIBU to think MIL should wind her neck in about me not cooking, cleaning and spoon feeding DH?

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 23/08/2011 19:23

My DD will not want for anything. I will buy her food and clothes and pay for her transport. I just want her to find a job quickly for her own sake.

OP posts:
WhiteTrash · 23/08/2011 19:24

But if she was living somewhere that she was paying rent, she'd more than likely recieve housing benefit to cover it. AND her dole money.

If it was me, Id expect her to help big time round the house, since she is using water, electricity, tv and so on. But she can buy her own food.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 23/08/2011 19:24

Rebel - you know you are doing the right thing. Just take a token amount - she has to see life isn't free and mum can't provide forever!

Will also wait with huge anticipation to see the MIL threads from Fabby's DIL! (Doubt there will be a DIL!)

Butterfly75 · 23/08/2011 19:24

i work with young people providing tenancy and budgeting support and find that to most the reality of bills is a shock. basic bills of water, Tv license, gas, and electric cost a minimum of £22 a week before food and travel expenses. you are not doing her any favours by not preparing her.

whilst working and living at home i paid my mum board, which i moaned about and then when i moved out promptly realised how easy i had had it at home.

its not a matter of if you need the money.

WinterIsComing · 23/08/2011 19:25

I've never really understood why there isn't a different rate of JSA / dole for people living at home and people having to support themselves and sometimes their children while they are looking for work.

My XH gets everything paid for. He doesn't pay for the broadband, T.V, gas, electric, water, council tax (Mum does though) or food. He doesn't buy cleaning products, for his laundry, all food, not so much as a roll of lavatory paper, bar of soap or a razor blade.

There are women on MN with several children who are desperate to find work and willing to sacrifice even their subsistence level of living for several years due to working costs (childcare, clothes, travel, endless work collections) in order to set a good example for their children.

It's baffling and unfair.

AuntiePickleBottom · 23/08/2011 19:25

Fabby your son needs to claim JSA......as his stamp/taxes is not getting paid.

OP Yanbu, looking back the £200 i paid my mum each month on a £700 earning was a bargin.

£25 per week for your rent, food, utilities, washing, drying ect......is good value

LineRunner · 23/08/2011 19:25

Stand easy, Rebel, we are all with you here.

EssentialFattyAcid · 23/08/2011 19:26

Ask her to shop for and pay for and prepare one main meal per week for the whole family. This way she practices cooking on a budget and gets to know how much things cost. I'm sure she could do this for less than a tenner.

I would also ask her to do 2 hours per week cleaning/ ironing for the family.

dinosaurkisses · 23/08/2011 19:27

I'm going to go against the grain here- I was in your daughter's position this time one year ago. I'd just graduated, finished a summer job and was struggling to find anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I was living with my parents, not having anything to do all day apart from some chores and search aimlessly for jobs on the internet. By Christmas, I'd begun to feel so low- my sister who I graduated with had found a job, all my other friends either had something or were still studying and and everything seemed so POINTLESS (so angsty!). But my parents could see I was trying, I was applying for everything under the sun and with every time I had to take the trip down to that depressing office to sign on, the sight of a decent pay cheque in a good job just seemed further away. I wanted a job for myself- I didn't need my dad taking half of my jobseekers away to make me learn the value of money.
I eventually found a job, and I'm so appreciative of the support (financially and advice) that my parents gave me. The (occasional!) trips to the cinema, getting out for a coffee with your mates and just generally going places that weren't the dole office were the things that stopped me going completely insane.

P.S- I pay them keep now though- I couldn't stretch that one out forever! Grin

Original poster
RebelFromTheWaistDown · 23/08/2011 19:28

I don't need the money. I think that is why she is shocked.

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 23/08/2011 19:29

Well said OP, you will be supplying her with everything that she needs, and for that, she has to give you half of her dole money.

You really cannot get fairer than that.

Fabby just likes the attention. No one in their right mind can really think like that.

dinosaurkisses · 23/08/2011 19:30

Also- I did chores, making the tea every night, washing, general errands on the basis that I wasn't paying anything from my JSA

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/08/2011 19:30

People aren't actually helping their children by paying their way in life. Many parents think they are, but what they are actually doing - in many cases, not all but many cases - is creating people who think the world owes them a living, or think that what their parents have is theirs, or think they have the right to be supported or who don't want to leave home because they don't want to pay their own way in the world.

It's not doing them any favours to shield them from the reality of life - which is that it costs a lot to live and most people have sod all to spend on themselves!

The sooner your adult offspring learn how to manage money, where money goes etc, the better. By shielding them from that, you create a grown up sized child. And that's not the aim of being a parent. You are a parent to raise a child to independence. And that means financial independence too.

cornsilx · 23/08/2011 19:30

if you are buying her clothes then that is an excellent deal

cjbartlett · 23/08/2011 19:35

I'll provide for mine up to the age of 18
After that they either go to uni and move out or get a job and move out
If they can't get a job they can sign on and move out

megapixie · 23/08/2011 19:35

My parents didn't take anything off me until I got my 3rd (and 1st proper, permanent job) at 18. They didn't think it fair to take money off my temp jobs as they weren't well paid and I was saving the money anyway.

I worked for minimum wage which isn't much obv. I paid £15 a week to cover food etc. She now days that she would've insisted on more if I weren't saving 50% of everything I got, as she knew I needed it more than her for my future.

maypole1 · 23/08/2011 19:35

diddl yes thats what the dole is for Topshop and pannies Hmm

To be honest adults pay room and bored child prenatal dont if she is adult then she should pay room and board if she thinks it is too much I would let her know you happy for her to find some were else for £50 a fortnight that includes

Gas
Food
Meals
Room
Use of the whole house
Electric
Internet
Use of the car / lifts

I sure she will soon se the bargain

Also the thing about asking her for half the lack of money will encourage her not to stay on the dole for too long after a few months a cleaning job will look very good

Well done your a mum after my own heart

Red2011 · 23/08/2011 19:36

It depends on how much she gets... when I lived at home (and we are going back a bit here), and was at school, I didn't get pocket money, I got my child allowance but I had to save it to buy things I wanted. When I started working, I used to give my parents about 1/3 of my income towards housekeeping. I was still expected to do my share of the chores around the house.
I think in some ways it would be unreasonable NOT to take any money towards the cost of feeding and housing her. However, the cost of travel to interviews etc needs to be taken into consideration. Perhaps you could set a precedent of 1/3 of her dole money, and then when she starts earning up that a little OR sit down and work out on a monthly basis what expenditure is precisely per person on utilities, rent, rates, etc? That is how we covered bills when I moved from home into a flat share. It is difficult whichever route you take...

adamschic · 23/08/2011 19:38

I have a theory about adult children paying their way. Whilst I am in receipt of CB and CTC to help me with the bills then I can afford to support my DD because she is in school. Once she leaves school and is working and I'm no longer receiving help I will expect some form of contribution towards the shopping bill at least.

If she goes to uni then she will have work in the holidays when she lives back with me so same goes.

Fabby if your sons went from school straight to uni I can understand you not asking them for money.

PicaK · 23/08/2011 19:38

I think it's really important to take money so she understands about the realities of life. My parents took money off me and they kept it and gave it back years later (to help me buy a car).

WinterIsComing · 23/08/2011 19:39

Excellent point about about National Insurance.

I felt bloody awful after University signing on for the summer when I had a teaching job starting in September but it had to be done for that reason as well as for poll tax liability.

timidviper · 23/08/2011 19:40

DS had a year between uni and work. We didn't charge him for keep as he only got a reduced amount of JSA of £26 a week but we asked him to help out a bit with household chores, etc just to make his life miserable to make him be responsible.

It did make a difference to the bills though as, although the heating, etc was paid, the food bill went up and his mega-long showers, computer and every other appliance on all day every day increased water, gas, electricity, etc.

Some kids might cost fuck all but mine isn't one of them!

MadameCastafiore · 23/08/2011 19:41

Bloody hell no wonder kids have a sense of entitlement that we never had when we were young - teach them that they have to pay their way FFS - that is the way the world works - you get nowt for nowt.

May make her realise that she really really needs to put all her time and energy into finding a job.

Crosshair · 23/08/2011 19:43

Looking back I wish my parents had prepared me more when I was at that leaving education and looking for a job stage. I became very lazy and wasted jsa on nights out with next to no motivation on actually finding a job.

Leaving home was a shock to my system as I had no idea about basic things such as the price of food, being able to work the stove/oven and bills ect. I honestly think its important to teach your child some life skills by that age.

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