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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to get into the only position that seems to turn him on?

155 replies

PettyCat · 23/08/2011 00:53

DP seems to be having problems maintaining an erection. Its been going on a few months now and it IS getting frustrating because I have suggested things and he just gets in a flap and ignores my suggestions and nothing ever seems to progress. He's got into the habit of asking me to "get onto all fours" as that is the only thing that make him "hard". I refuse. Not because I'm trying to be awkward but because it makes me feel like shit to be told that the only way I can turn him on is by arranging myself into a pose he watches on his tacky porn channels. I feel cheap and unnattractive as if the only way I'm any good is if I have my arse in the air and face directed away from him.

AIBU?? he seems to think I'm being awkward for the sake of being awkward. My argument is if he can get it up under those circumstances, he should be able to do it under normal circumstances and if I'm not good enough for him in any other position then the doggy style thing isn't going to happen either.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 23/08/2011 01:02

I think I'd feel the same way tbh, he is being unreasonable and he needs to address his issues

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 01:05

no, I don't think UABU. I dno't think you are because of the porn channels. Of itself, the doggy thing can be great but if you feel you aren't being loved and think you are being forced to have meaningless sex-for-sex-sake in order to reproduce the porn he watches, then I am not surprised you don't want to do it. imo this is about the porn. All of it, the dear drooper as well as you not wanting to waggle your bum in the air.

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 01:05

sorry about the text-speak U. tired Blush

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2011 01:06

YANBU. He should stop using porn while this is being sorted out.

AlfalfaMum · 23/08/2011 01:11

yanbu.
Sorry but he sounds like a shit. How long are you with him?

TillyIpswitch · 23/08/2011 01:18

YANBU. I van totally see why you wouldn't want to do it this way.

As daffs said, as part of a wider repertoire there is no problem with this position, but likewise, I'd be put out of the only way he could get hard is when I provide a faceless orifice. Hmm

giyadas · 23/08/2011 01:58

YANBU. Have you talked to him about his porn habit?

bakeyouhappy · 23/08/2011 02:27

Yanbu. Cringe. Good on you to say no. He is the one with a problem, he can't be passing responsibility to you.

ZacharyQuack · 23/08/2011 03:23

Tell him that the only way you can get turned on is by seeing him on all fours...

scrubbing the oven.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 23/08/2011 03:43

YANBU - he is, and he is also being extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate towards you.

I'm not surprised you feel cheap and unnattractive - it's degrading being treated as a sex object and treated as if your own sexual needs have no validity.

It's obvious he's got to turn off his tacky porn channels and start turning on to you if your relationship is going to be able to withstand his alleged erectile dysfunction.

If he's not prepared to stop watching porn and get himself to his GP to investigate if/why he has ED, I can't see much future for you in this relationship as your self-esteem will be gradually eroded by his inability to provide you with loving sexual relations that are enhanced by face-to-face contact.

Grin at Zachary; that the way to do it OP - get him on all fours scrubbing your oven on Friday night and come back here for bumsex advice that might put some long-lasting lead in your dp's pencil.

Bearskinwoolies · 23/08/2011 04:40

Yanbu - he is being an arse, and treating you like a sex toy.

EttiKetti · 23/08/2011 05:27

YANBU he's desensitised due to over use of porn, I'd say. He needs to stop and get some psychosexual counselling.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 05:51

I agree 100% with Springydaffs and with everyone else it seems on this thread. Time to pull the plug on the porn.

He is not actually having a relationship with you, sexual or otherwise. You happen to be there. How very handy.

TheCompanyofWolefs · 23/08/2011 07:00

Nowt wrong with a bit of Doggy.

Scaevola · 23/08/2011 07:07

He is suffering from impotence. This is a condition in which recovery is usually faster is the patient receives support from his partner. Is the quickest possible, long term recovery from this medical condition your aim?

I think you might benefit from reading up on the condition, because your assumption that, if he can manage it in one position he can manage it in any, is not necessarily or invariably correct.

Have you spoken to the doctor who is treating him?

HairyGrotter · 23/08/2011 07:10

I love a bit of doggy, especially when my hair is pulled BUT I would NOT get into position to turn a man on because he cannot maintain his petty erection due to overuse of porn...

YADNBU, I too would stand firm (no pun intended) in respect of NOT doing what he wants because it is degrading and disrespectful. As part of a wider repertoire it's wonderful, but if it is a requirement, hellllllll no.

OpinionatedMum · 23/08/2011 07:24

YANBU His inability to do anything else is not healthy. This fixation with doggy style is reducing you to a sex object. A loving sexual partner would not pressurise you into something you don't enjoy. I would tell him to sort it out or leave.

OpinionatedMum · 23/08/2011 07:25

I knew it was bloody doggy when I saw the thread title.

PhilipJFry · 23/08/2011 07:28

To be honest, I'm imagining myself in your shoes and I couldn't see myself enjoying that position while knowing we're doing it because it's the only thing that works and all I get asked to do.

It's a great position but it's not exactly the most, I don't know, intimate? Like you said, you're facing completely away from him. Not much fun when you have all the other stuff about the situation twisting around your mind.

Sofabitch · 23/08/2011 07:30

Doggy I great. However not when you are being made to feel like an object. Maybe a sex strike is required?

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 23/08/2011 07:42

What does his doctor say?

DH had this problem a few years ago, and his doctor put it down to weakness in his lower back, which he'd also had problems with.

But your DP needs to check it's not a prostate problem too.

If you love him, what he needs is your love and compassion, not your contempt. Have a gentle chat with him about the porn and your feelings.

YAB a little U. Smile

Whatmeworry · 23/08/2011 07:44

Yanbu but beware - only on MN is it:

Woman with sex problems - man needs to understand, have patience, cherish her and do more housework - oh and he is probably crap at sex.

Man with sex problems - he's being an inconsiderate arse, leave him - oh and he is probably crap at sex.

Somewhere between those 2 extremes is the best solution, ie trying to help/ help him get help will probably be more effective than telling him he's an arse and withdrawing favours, but likewise telling him things ain't going to go on as they are forevermore is probably also necessary.

Yabu re Doggy it's hardly porn special, it's "normal circumstances" in most peoples' repertoire. I assume you also try things apart from missionary?

carminagoesprimal · 23/08/2011 07:47

Have you never done it in that position before? - the only reason I ask is because it's really common and not what I ( or most people ) would consider dodgy at all -

Wrt porn - there's loads of positions/practices that I wouldn't dream of entertaining - but he wants something really tame tbh - but I understand sex is all relative and you should only do what you feel happy with.

I'd do it and see what happens - it could be the answer to his bedroom problems.

carminagoesprimal · 23/08/2011 07:50

Xposts with WMW - Totally agree with you.

somewherewest · 23/08/2011 09:44

Whatmeworry does have a point. To be fair a lot of men do find ED really hard to deal with, just as a lot of women find it very hard to deal with body image issues (there are plenty of women who won't let their DP see them naked or insist on having sex with the lights out etc). In both cases its an issue that really strikes at the heart of people's self-esteem and sexual confidence. If the porn is a new thing it might be his response to his inability to 'perform' for you. Likewise the thought of failure might make face to face sex more intimidating. I'm not saying that you're BU, just that your DP might not be being AS unreasonable as it seems.

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