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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to get into the only position that seems to turn him on?

155 replies

PettyCat · 23/08/2011 00:53

DP seems to be having problems maintaining an erection. Its been going on a few months now and it IS getting frustrating because I have suggested things and he just gets in a flap and ignores my suggestions and nothing ever seems to progress. He's got into the habit of asking me to "get onto all fours" as that is the only thing that make him "hard". I refuse. Not because I'm trying to be awkward but because it makes me feel like shit to be told that the only way I can turn him on is by arranging myself into a pose he watches on his tacky porn channels. I feel cheap and unnattractive as if the only way I'm any good is if I have my arse in the air and face directed away from him.

AIBU?? he seems to think I'm being awkward for the sake of being awkward. My argument is if he can get it up under those circumstances, he should be able to do it under normal circumstances and if I'm not good enough for him in any other position then the doggy style thing isn't going to happen either.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/08/2011 19:11

So the OP should put up with something she finds degrading (and it is not part of a repertoire) for the sake of her H's problem, which may or may not be ED or anything physical (but as he probably would sooner lose his partner than go and get real help about it neither of them will ever know what the problem is). Even if he sees sex as some sort of performance with the OP as the audience he is spectacularly missing the point that she does not appreciate the show.

One thing is clear and that is that the OP doesn't think much of the porn habit. Whether or not this is the reason for the DP's problems, it seems to be a fly in the ointment in the relationship.

HedleyLamarr · 23/08/2011 19:45

somewherewest lot of men do find ED really hard GrinGrin

OP I think YANBU. If your DP can maintain an erection with you on all fours and not otherwise then he doesn't have ED. He's probably not the only male who has let his porn habit reflect his sexual preference.

summertimeblews · 23/08/2011 19:46

why is it only on porn channels?

its a pretty standard thing to do as far as i know

didldidi · 23/08/2011 19:53

maybe he doesn't want to look at you?

Laquitar · 23/08/2011 19:54

It is pretty standard but not as the only position a couple does. I think i would feel the same OP.
Sorry, i have no suggestions but YANBU.

spiderpig8 · 23/08/2011 19:56

i would do it, but expect something in return.

HummelBoy · 23/08/2011 19:56

It is hardly the end of the world, talk to him, not us.

hester · 23/08/2011 20:00

Was there any reason for that gratuitously unpleasant comment, HummelBoy? If it was applied across MN threads there wouldn't be a Mumsnet, would there?

aleene · 23/08/2011 20:02

didldidi, that is not helpful either. OP, ignore those comments.

Ask your DH to see a GP about ED. Is he a heavy drinker or smoker because I think that is something they would say to cut down on.

MugglesandLuna · 23/08/2011 20:05

didldidi - Hmm

If you dont like it, dont do it. But its a pretty standard position imo.

catgirl1976 · 23/08/2011 20:08

What whatmeworry said.

hester · 23/08/2011 20:14

I don't think anyone has said that the position is degrading or unpleasant IN ITSELF. The problem is that he seems to have got stuck in a particular sexual scenario - one that is a stock porn image - and that he can only relate sexually to his wife within that. That is not making love, it is using someone as a masturbatory accessory.

What didididi said was really unpleasant, but of course she may be right in that seeing his wife's face during sex may disrupt the man's pornographic fantasy, so he prefers to erase her identity by obscuring her face.

I'm not surprised the OP is upset. I would be. And that's got nothing to do with disapproving of this or any other sexual position.

LemonDifficult · 23/08/2011 20:17

Are you dating my friend's ex? If so, proceed with caution as he has unresolved power issues.

Are you dating my ex? If so proceed with caution, he's gay.

Laquitar · 23/08/2011 20:33

hester yes . Thats what i was thinking too but didn't want to say it.

DonaldMcronald · 23/08/2011 20:44

The next time he wants sex take a book and while you are down on all fours catch up on your reading

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 23/08/2011 20:50

FFS, when I read the opening post I wondered how long it would take for someone to post "If it was a man posting blah blah blah..." Hmm

The OP isn't complaining about the position pe se, just that it's the only position that her H wants to use and it's making her feel degraded.

OP YANBU but no doubt there are some who think you should just put us and shut up.

RushyBay · 23/08/2011 20:53

LemonDifficult - Grin

OP - Are you dating my ex? If so, proceed with caution: he used to call it 'having a posh wank' Blush

didyouseewhatshedid · 23/08/2011 21:00

I think YABU. Sometimes, when you are struggling to get in the mood, a bit of filth or whatever can get things going. Hence the 'all fours' request. A good, loving partner would be happy to accomodate what is, after all, a fairly reasonable request.

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 21:07

Nothing wrong with the actual position.

But the problem isn't solved by using it - because although it turns one partner on, it actually turns the other partner off.

So (as long as one assumes that it is equally important for both partners to have pleasure etc.) the situation is no further forward.

So a different solution is required - simple as that.

RushyBay · 23/08/2011 21:10

What ShoutyHamster said

MugglesandLuna · 23/08/2011 21:11

didyouseewhatshedid - this isnt the 1950's - wives dont have to accomodate their husbands.

Laquitar · 23/08/2011 21:14

Does he talk to you during sex and does he wants you to talk to him? Those who dont want the face and dont want you to disrupt their fantasy dont want you to talk to them.

magicmelons · 23/08/2011 21:17

YANBU at all!

And for all the people who think she is being U by nut accommodating his requests , I don't think him taking her from behind is going to cure his problem or help their sex life, much better advice would be kindly suggesting they see the dr together, some of you need to get a grip, what about her feelings.

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 23/08/2011 21:23

Why all the talk of doggy style, this is not about the position at all. One could replace the position in question with any other sexual act and the issue would be exactly the same.

I'm no expert on ED but I don't see how, physically, he can get it up when you're waggling your arse at him and not at any other time. I didn't think ED worked that way, I may be wrong though. It just implies to me it's all in his mind and if so, him using the ED as a reason to get you on all fours just seems manipulative and pathetic. Reminds me of a child saying they're allergic to broccoli when actually they just don't like it.

Can you elaborate on the porn habit - is he still watching it despite the ED? Has it increased? Does he ever get an erection or masturbate when watching it?

bigeyes · 23/08/2011 21:25

no yanbu the sex has to be about BOTH of you and that includes considering what you like too, and although he likes this position it seems pretty selfish to expect it all the time and not take turns.

Its not just about him.

I wonder how he would respond if you said the only way you could get turned on is if 'x y z' which would be different to what he wants. Until he is wiling to be more giving and flexible even if you take turns for favourite positions either per time or during a session I cant see how you can move forward together.

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