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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to get into the only position that seems to turn him on?

155 replies

PettyCat · 23/08/2011 00:53

DP seems to be having problems maintaining an erection. Its been going on a few months now and it IS getting frustrating because I have suggested things and he just gets in a flap and ignores my suggestions and nothing ever seems to progress. He's got into the habit of asking me to "get onto all fours" as that is the only thing that make him "hard". I refuse. Not because I'm trying to be awkward but because it makes me feel like shit to be told that the only way I can turn him on is by arranging myself into a pose he watches on his tacky porn channels. I feel cheap and unnattractive as if the only way I'm any good is if I have my arse in the air and face directed away from him.

AIBU?? he seems to think I'm being awkward for the sake of being awkward. My argument is if he can get it up under those circumstances, he should be able to do it under normal circumstances and if I'm not good enough for him in any other position then the doggy style thing isn't going to happen either.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 23/08/2011 21:31

It's not that the OP thinks doggy is dodgy....she feels hurt he can only do it whilst he can't see her face!

FFS! It's obvious!

Is he having intamacy trouble OP? Are you both able to talk and laugh together in general life?

wellwisher · 23/08/2011 21:41

Seriously, are you 100% sure he's not gay?

doesthisseemright · 23/08/2011 21:47

Im with you OP
I hater and refuse doggy..I find it demeaning and painful,hate hate hate it

misty0 · 23/08/2011 21:51

OP, you are 100% NBU.

If it was me in your place I would say the porn habit stops, and some real attempts to sort this out start asap, or i'd be gone. Simple as that.

Looking at your problem from the outside, as we all are here, it seems to me you are being treated in an unloving and unacceptable way, and are degrading yourself by continuing to try to please him like this. You deserve to enjoy sex too.

As others have said, the position is not the problem - everything else is. Good luck.

didyouseewhatshedid · 23/08/2011 22:23

We dont know it is because of the porn habit - this is just what OP seems to have convinced herself. He might just like doggy style.

aleene · 23/08/2011 22:26

All the time? To the exclusion of any other position? Confused

HipHopOpotomus · 23/08/2011 22:30

YANBU - he's got issues!

SuchProspects · 23/08/2011 22:36

YANBU - If you don't like it then the fact he does is kind of irrelevant. You have to find something that works for both of you.

I'm particularly struck by the fact you say you've made a number of suggestions but he isn't prepared to try anything other than ask you to do something you don't want to. That is VU of him.

Also, if you don't like the porn you need to tell him and come to an understanding that works for you. Whether he has ED or not, it sounds like you will always feel second best while he watches it and that's not a good way for you to go through your life.

Scaevola · 24/08/2011 09:39

Here are a couple of good links about impotence: NHS and BBC health article.

Have you yet had a chance to talk to him about what treatment he is receiving? The underlying causes of impotence can include some serious medical concerns.

Fleurdebleurgh · 24/08/2011 09:43

Are you a bit....loose?

I have it on good authority that things are 'tighter' when you go in from the back. Something to do with the position of the thighs.

foreverwino · 24/08/2011 09:53

It's the porn that's the issue here.

InTheNightKitchen · 24/08/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 24/08/2011 10:03

YABU. When men have erection problems, it is really helpful if they can practice having an erection - like any other bit of your body (muscles, brain, heart etc) the penis needs regular practice in order to perform.

So help your DP along by having sex regularly in the position that enables him to do so and in due course his erection issues should be resolved and you can resume sex in positions you prefer.

Bonsoir · 24/08/2011 10:04

There is a lot of very inaccurate advice on this thread, btw!

michelleseashell · 24/08/2011 10:05

Oh this is a tricky one. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

It is horrible to have a partner suffering with this problem. It makes you feel unloved, unwanted, unsexy and actually to be honest, a bit pissed off. Then to have him telling you that he can only get it up if he can't see your face, well that's just the cherry on the cake. It would be the same if he could only get an erection with his eyes tightly squeezed shut. It's shit for you. It really is.

On the other hand, doggy style is probably the position that takes the pressure off for him the most for that same reason. If he doesn't have a physical issue(which I'm assuming he doesn't since he can achieve and maintain an erection), it's going to be anxiety which is causing this. The only way you're going to be able to solve this is by not making an issue of it, not making him feel bad or a failure and not putting pressure on him.

Talk to him about this very gently. Say you're happy to do whatever it takes to make him feel confident again. What about switching all the lights off so you're in the dark? And if it doesn't work say, 'Never mind. I still love you. We'll try again another time.'

I've been through this myself and it only got better when I relaxed about it and stopped making such a big deal of it. It wasn't easy though. I felt absolutely crushed and rejected but I had to pretend I didn't.

In the end it took a male friend of mine to tell me I was being a twat about it (nicely) by getting angry and ultimately making things worse.

If I shout at you GET WET! It isn't going to happen is it? Same for a man. He can't turn his dick on and off.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/08/2011 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 24/08/2011 10:37

I don't think there's any point in speculating about the OP's husband's sexual orientation. It is nonsense, and makes you sound very stupid, to suggest he may be gay on the basis of information given in this thread.

He obviously is having problems which must be difficult. So is the OP.

Petty, when have you tried to talk to him? It's going to be much more fraught if you have this conversation in bed, at the time (so to speak). Can you find a time when neither of you are busy and sit down for a real conversation? As you say, he will get in a 'flap' if you try to discuss this in the middle of unsuccessful sex - anyone would.

I think you need to be clear with him what the issues are for you. You say you have an aversion to doggy style (fair enough; we're all different). But it sounds as if the porn is an issue too. Have you ever told him that, not in the context of his recent impotence? Or have you told him why it bothers you? I think he needs to hear a clear explanation of all these intersecting things that are bothering you. And - final thing: do you want to have sex with him? Yes? If so: tell him! Sorry, that sounds obvious but it's crucial and you don't actually say it in your OP!

You don't have to do anything you don't want, or anything you're not comfortable with.

somewherewest · 24/08/2011 10:49

If I understand correctly (not speaking from personal background) ED can be caused by physical OR emotional factors (a bit like issues with female arousal). And anxiety about being unable to perform for one's partner just makes it worse. I understand that a lot of men with ED problems back away from intimacy because of fear of failure. Porn and doggy style feel 'safer'. It is totally not BU to expect your DP to try and sort out his issues (including ditching the porn), but I'm not sure how just balling him out is going to help.

CognitiveDissident · 24/08/2011 10:55

Bonsoir

Can only assume that you are indulging in a little trolling, as what you have typed is utter horseshit.

It's a penis, not a puppy FFS. It doesn't need regular exercise.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/08/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 24/08/2011 11:14

What I wrote is what two different doctors have told two men very close to me! And is completely standard advice to couples with this issue.

Bonsoir · 24/08/2011 11:15

How odd to think that a penis (like any other organ of the body) doesn't require regular exercise in order to function fully. It isn't a vibrator inanimate object.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 24/08/2011 11:18

Bonsoir, a healthy penis doesn't require regular exercise. DH got all the way to 23 without using his and it is fine. The point is, this bloke has got a problem. He may need a doctor's advice but he should probably go to a doctor rather than hear speculation/garbled ideas of the net, right?

Poweredbypepsi · 24/08/2011 11:19

does he insist on just that or is he happy so do things you like (obviously not sex if he cant get an erection but other things?) if he will go out of his way to please you before/after then i would give him the benefit of the doubt and try and get him some help. If he refuses anything apart from that then he is being selfish not sure id bother.

Bonsoir · 24/08/2011 11:22

Yes, he should go to a doctor (with the OP) and he will hear exactly what I am writing! Totally standard advice!

Women seem to think penises should work to order. Though they are the very first to shout that vaginas don't Wink

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