To refuse to get into the only position that seems to turn him on?

[PettyCat]

DP seems to be having problems maintaining an erection. Its been going on a few months now and it IS getting frustrating because I have suggested things and he just gets in a flap and ignores my suggestions and nothing ever seems to progress. He's got into the habit of asking me to "get onto all fours" as that is the only thing that make him "hard". I refuse. Not because I'm trying to be awkward but because it makes me feel like shit to be told that the only way I can turn him on is by arranging myself into a pose he watches on his tacky porn channels. I feel cheap and unnattractive as if the only way I'm any good is if I have my arse in the air and face directed away from him.

AIBU?? he seems to think I'm being awkward for the sake of being awkward. My argument is if he can get it up under those circumstances, he should be able to do it under normal circumstances and if I'm not good enough for him in any other position then the doggy style thing isn't going to happen either.

UMS - yes, sorry, I misunderstood your post. I meant, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that position, it's the surrounding scenario described in the OP that I would be uncomfortable with.

And let's be fair here: the OP's DH presumably doesn't want his wife to be upset and feeling shite. He may not understand why it's a 'big deal' to her - but that means they need to communicate and the OP needs to be able to articulate what it is that is upsetting her. It may seem obvious to us why she's not comfortable, but I would want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he honestly doesn't understand.

Once she's talked to him more, she'll know better if that benefit of doubt is justifiable or not, but she's clearly not at that point yet or she would be asking us different questions, I think.

As Joan Rivers has observed, doggy-style does have certain advantages for the female - reading a book, chatting on the phone, mumsnetting, etc., - and it may be the favoured postition for some time-poor women.

However, the OP's dh can allegedly only maintain an erection and, presumably, ejaculate when having intercourse in a position where he is unable to see her face and there is no mention of foreplay or of the 'sufferer' attempting to provide the OP with any sexual satisfaction or intimacy before or after she has serviced his needs.

Is it possible that he started using (or increased his use of) porn as a reaction to the ED? That it's an effect of the ED rather than the cause?

I think Bonsoir might be on to something btw.

Jesus, this thread. And as for the gay stuff: stop being so puerile and offensive. It's not all about arse sex, you know.

He needs to go to the GP and you need to calm down and support him to do this. I klnow it is upsetting but you getting stressed out with him and him getting into a situation where he has convinced himself he can only do it in one position is not going to do either of you any favours. Just go to the GP, they have seen it all before and it is nothing to be embarassed about/

O dear - premature posting on my part; given the subject, how Freudian of me.

To continue: the fact that the OP's dh can maintain an erection in a specific sexual postiion would suggest that any ED he experiences is of a psychological rather than physical nature.

It may be that the underlying cause is related to the dh's consumption of porn, but it could be that there are other issues in or out of the marriage that have contributed to this unsatisfactory state of affairs for the OP.

In any event, the OP is best advised to talk calmly to her dh and, if there is no resolution of the problem, go with him to their GP for referral to a therapist, or seek counselling elsewhere.

Ask him to stop masturbating and stop watching porn for the foreseeable.
Put a stop to penetrative sex for a month or so.

During that time ask him to show you all the ways that he can make you come. Do the same to him

See how it goes as it might be that he likes the position better than others

kerrymumbles

It seems very odd to me but I've absolutely no experience of a man with (what seems like psychological) ED. Perhaps couples sex therapy could help?

Whilst I like the position personally and we often finish up that way, I can see that a man only being sufficiently turned on enough to physically have sex by it, is worrying, but it could be a simple case of cause and effect, in that he's found a positon that works or him and is scared of doing anything else incase he "fails"?

Arguing and point scoring isn'tgoing to help either of you - It can't be nice to feel like you are just an available orifice though.

I think this is a difficult one. I was in the same situation with my ex. He had ED but was fine if i dressed in sexy undies and let him do me bent forward over the sink, oh yes and lots of moaning. (we had done it once like that on hol quite naturally)

At first i went along with it thinking it would right itself. But it didn't so we went to relate sex therapy. They were awful and the woman just couldn't see the problem. She basically told me, 'you want him to get an erection, he gets one like that, so do that'!

I said it's a but much everytime you want sex (on a tuesday night after a long day at work etc). He aslo was on my side and said he didn't want to want to do it like that. But she told us she couldn't help us then.

It never really righted itself and he started pressurising me into anal (sorry guys but he did!). Eventually i left and it emerged he was seeing my best friend and they are apparently (sexually) blissfully happy - so she either does it like that or he has no issues with her that he did with me.

Anyway, not saying it will be the same with you but sometimes indulging it reinforces the sexual imprint of it on the mind and repetition may cement it as a sexual preference (this is the way fetishes manifest themselves - something felt nice at the same time as something else then they get repeated together until they are linked and hard to detangle).

I like Perrycombover's suggestion.
Take a break from porn and penetrative sex, and get to know one another again.

Bonsoir what is the keyboard short cut for the umlaut please?

I had a bf like this when I was 17.

He turned out to be heterosexual.

What can I say, except that one anecdote does not justify silly homophobic musings?

I know the OP doesnt like it doggy. But how about a compromise and have it from behind but standing up with her leaning on something? This has some of the merits of doggy so I guess the husband would go for it but it perhaps is not as demeaning to the OP.

The OP has only posted once. This could be a troll.

It's not relevant that doggy style is a standard part of most couples repetoire. The OP doesn't like it and her partner should respect her feelings. If he is unwilling to seek help there is a real problem with his attitude towards her.

He's having problems getting aroused.

So you would think part of the answer would be to look for ways he can become aroused and then work on creating good sex for both of you from there.

Lots of people become aroused in lots of diffrent ways, and the thought/sight of shagging your partner from behind was one pretty standard one amongst many others.

Yes it occurs in porn as do all forms of sexual experession so having to 'find' an acceptable method of arousal that can't be associated with porn is a rather tall order.

I'm not suggesting you have to 'accomodate' him, but surely you want to 'help' him, make a start and then work from there?

Bonsoir is right in as far as the problem will become anxiety driven and circular, the less able he is to get an erection the less able he will be able to get erctions etc, so if you can help break the anxiety circle and from the doggy start get some good sex going you should be on the start to addressing the issues.

If porn is a factor here and he is relying on this then that is another issue to be addressed.

I think the moral outrage and questioning of his sexuality because a man gets turned on by shagging his wife doggy style, is really ludicrous.

I'm filled with admiration at your complete lack of rancour when recounting your problems with the ex, Spuddy. IMO your response is worthy of a special Friday thread in which I hope you will reveal who got to wear the marigolds when you were at it over the sink?

Also because someone else finds doggy style ridiculously vanilla it doesn't mean another person ought to. The bottom line is (no pun intended) is that both partners have to be comfortable doing what they are doing, whether it's missionary style or a mass orgy.

This isn't about finding an acceptable method of arousal that can't be associated with porn, Mordechai - as you say, that would be a tall order. In the OP's case, if her dh has developed a preference for one particular sexual position, continuing to accede to his demands will do little to restore the marriage to one of loving intimacy.

Although a man of advancing years who has abstained from sex for a considerable period of time may be advised to 'use it or lose it', IMO the OP should act on Perry's advice as non-penetrative intimacy will relieve any pressure on her dh to 'perform' and will do much to restore her self-esteem.