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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

667 replies

PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 15:55

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments Hmm. The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

OP posts:
Blueberties · 21/08/2011 10:21

You are going to give in. You are already worrying about what they're giong to do when you say know.

I'll tell you what they'll do. They are going to get a childminder. They might have to leave work early sometimes. They might have to ask family or get a nanny or an au pair or find a creche. They will cope. No one will die. Everything will be fine. Who cares what they do or how they manage? It's not your problem.

This is more than one question. The question will come back and back and back. Frankly you need them out of your lives forever.

The lady who posted about refusing access, locking gates, Karma, she is right. She don't come in, they don't pass the doorstep. This "chucked out" comment earlier - they are truly nuts, they are abnormal. Do you understand? They are abnormal people and it doesn't matter if you upset them.

They are abnormal people and it doesn't matter if you upset them.

You should enjoy it, actually. I think you'll both find it quite liberating.

NorfolkBroad · 21/08/2011 10:22

Been following your thread and sending you extreme sympathy. I HATE situations like this too. I was in a slightly similar situation a few years ago and I just prepared myself that when this person asked me to have her DCs yet again the first word I was going to say was "No...." followed by whatever came into my head next ie "I have alot on caring for my mil, my DD and I have quite alot planned, I want to spend some quality time with DD. etc but as long as you get the NO out the message will get through. Whatever happens don't start apologising then you might end up saying "if you're desperate..."

Then they will no doubt say "but we have no one else to ask and it is last minute" to which you will say in a sympathetic voice (not an apologetic voice), "I really would get a childminder" and then move on! Change the subject how ever awkward and embarrassing it might feel. Then you will have said an emphatic no and moved swiftly on. You can do it!

Oh and to the poster who said that she felt for these 2 because they are both teachers and can't take the time off....I am a teacher too (and DP works away) and it is for that precise reason that they ought to have been organised well in advance for this situation.

You wouldn't behave like this would you? Of course not, neither would any of the MN posters so that is the only evidence that you need that YANBU! Go girl!

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 21/08/2011 10:24

BranchingOut liking the pick a fight idea (you'd be able to see my balls from where you are in that type of scenario Grin wracking my brain for a contentious topic as I type). Moving not an option (but if that's what it takes...kidding!) I love our house, and when all this is done and dusted and only part of dim and distant MN lore...'do you remember when POL had to find her balls?' I'll post photos on my profile of the spectacular view we are lucky enough to have, but not 'til I'm certain that ODW isn't on MN obviously Wink

OP posts:
Blueberties · 21/08/2011 10:34

If there's one thing that will make you say no

make it the shame of coming back here and telling us all Grin

Blueberties · 21/08/2011 10:40

I think a good point that came over from the other thread is that it's not rude to ask, if you actually ask and are polite etc. What's rude is asking "why?", or having a pout etc etc. Once you've said no - for them to show displeasure or criticism is very rude and they'll be very obviously in the wrong, even if they'r enot in the wrong by asking.

Ironically I don't think The Question is that wrong. The hospitality thing is maddening, it's even making me cross over my shreddies. But you say no - they question that = they're WRONG and RUDE.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 21/08/2011 10:41

fanjobiscuit 'muses on just how far down the social chain they would be prepared to go'. Spot on! A previous post related that ODW said to me a number of weeks ago 'I CAN just drop off DC at X's in the mornings'. X is a good friend of mine and in any other circumstances the ODH/ODW have no interaction with X and her family. It is a class thing to be sure. Maybe ODH comment to me that when he was teaching X's DC child at Primary School that the said child 'Didn't have much between his ears' is making me think that Shock.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 21/08/2011 10:45

For goodness sake!

It's me again - here to give you another stern telling off (although I like you and especially the fact you are not defensive). The poster who said that those people are abnormal is right - they are off the fucking chart so please bin them, they are fucking arseholes. Where do you live? If you are in Northants by any chance I'll bloody well come and bin them for you.

Get it sorted ffs! Grow those balls and keep them big or you'll have me to deal with! Wink x

plupervert · 21/08/2011 10:46

Actually, they are being rude:

(a) by not asking outright, and giving you all this grief with their dishonest and sly hinting,

(b) with their pushiness re coming round and not fucking off when it's inconvenient [nearly wrote incontinent there - that would be amusing - would they leave if one of you pissed yourself?], and

(c) because they had their childcare sorted, then undid it all! Twats and bastards.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2011 10:46

Question: (may have already been answered) Do you actually like these people? If so, why?
If they come and plonk themselves in front of your laptop, slam the lid down and tell them that what is on there is private, and could they not be so rude?
If they are in your house when it is time for your children to go to bed, ask them to leave. Now.
If they walk in without knocking, tell them you're busy and and ask them to leave. Now.
If they knock on your door, tell them you're busy. If the children walk in, ask them to leave. Now.

If they ask you for the favours you're dreading, say No. No explanation, just No.

What's the worst that could happen? They'll never speak to you again?

Result!

nicciaa · 21/08/2011 10:48

Pol, you said you live in Scotland, so do I. I'll happily come to yours and tell them to bugger off lol I'm a West Coast lass, and you know we ain't backwards at coming forwards lol Seriously, good luck for today, don't be railroaded into anything xx

Blueberties · 21/08/2011 10:51

Ok so they're nasty too.

This is a nobrainer, flower.

musicposy · 21/08/2011 11:03

I think you have to be extremely blunt with these types of people, as others have said. Nothing else works. We have a lovely friend who comes round a lot, but he never takes hints. I think some people just don't, or don't want to.

I've got in the habit of saying "you have to go now". It felt so rude to start with, particularly as he would argue with me or get all huffy (yes, really!). One night it was gone midnight and I said "you have to go now, I need to go to bed" (mistake justifying it - it gives a point to argue over). He got all huffy, and said "If I'm not welcome; I thought my friends would like my company..." I just said "I like your company at 7pm but it's 12.15am and I need you to go. Now."

He went in a bit of a huff, but was back another day quite happy. Now we have learnt as a group of friends and are all really blunt with him. "Oh, hello, no you can't come in today, we're busy." It works.

I think it's easy to get hung up on being rude, but these kinds of people don't do subtle. Now I'm in the habit of saying it, "You need to go now.", it actually feels very liberating. I am no longer sitting around getting stressed because I have no evening to myself/ it's 2am and I'm tired/ I've made someone a meal for the this time this week.

Try bluntness today. If they come round, say, "You can't come in today." If they get over the threshold say, "you have to go now." Leave it at that. You'll feel so much better, I promise you.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 21/08/2011 11:05

hairfullofsnakes I'm thinking Karmabeliever and I's relationship is going to have to be an open one, because I'm growing very fond of you too Grin.

I just want them to ask the fecking question. I really do. I CAN say No to a direct request, I can I can I can.

It's the manoeuverings/machinations of this couple that are driving me potty.

nicciaa West Coast too...how soon can you be here? Wink.

Blueberties you nearly did for me with 'flower', just got something in my eye over here.

OP posts:
Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 21/08/2011 11:19

I'm off to enjoy DC's last day before school.

I'm hoping to be asked at some point today, not least to bring this to a conclusion for all concerned out there, AND pass round my huge balls for you all to admire obviously Grin.

Grateful thanks that overall concensus is other couple are behaving outrageously!

Heaves balls off sofa.

OP posts:
HippyHippopotamus · 21/08/2011 11:26

has everyone got their pompoms ready?

Fenella1212 · 21/08/2011 12:31

Oh yes, pompons at the ready. Stay strong POL, you're doing so well.

Just luuurve them balls!

fedupofnamechanging · 21/08/2011 12:33

Be prepared for them not to ask but just turn up expecting you to do it, because they've left it to the last minute and not arranged anything and think that if they just turn up with the kids you'll have no choice.

At that point, you'll have to say no or it will be dumped on you forever. That will also be the opportunity to say that you find it rude fo them to presume you will take care of their dc without even asking you and that you are not able to do it. Don't explain or justify, beyond saying that you have plans with your own family.

I think that if you do keep them out of the house, and keep the doors locked, you won't have to keep them locked forever - just long enough to break this habit they have of just wandering in.

Think of it like dog training - be firm and repeat simple statements until they 'get' it Smile

Enjoy today with your dc.

Teachermumof3 · 21/08/2011 12:37

I'm gobsmacked at the attitude of these people-poor you!

I have to say though, I can't believe it's taken this long before you've thought of locking the doors! I would have done that after the first time they did it.

You need to get your husband onside for this, too-it's pointless if you are getting cross about it, but he is inviting them in.

Please update...

Blueberties · 21/08/2011 13:00

Karma is right I think. They're going to just turn up. I bet they'll turn up with their children on school day.

They are not nice people. Imagine doing that to your children, let alone your neighbours/friends. Imagine not bothering to organise appropriate childcare for your children.

They are not good people.

Portofino · 21/08/2011 13:09

Checking in for an update! Stay strong!

Blueberties · 21/08/2011 13:21

I think it's awful the way they seem to be doing this - expecting you to take the guilt because they haven't cared for their children properly. It's really very, very bad, a bad thing to do to your children. It's not just cheeky and rude. It's very low behaviour indeed.

Salmotrutta · 21/08/2011 13:22

This is better than Corrie!

hairfullofsnakes · 21/08/2011 13:34

Awww shucks POL!

Now stop them inviting themselves round and I'll be very proud of you!

HairyBeaver · 21/08/2011 13:34

Ooh OP i've been following this thread :)

IF they turn up tomorrow morning with the DC's and lame excuse for let down childcare (or whatever) and expect you to have them, say NO, get all huffy and rant at them! So in theory thats your "argument" and you can stop talking to them forever, problem solved Wink

ZillionChocolate · 21/08/2011 13:42

Don't offer them solutions to the childcare issue, it's not your responsibility. You've sorted out your responsibility, they need to do the same. If they say but it's too late, I'd go for a puzzled look and say but we've know the term dates since March (or whenever).