... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

[PreviouslyonLost]

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments . The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

Remember the Grange Hill song that zammo sang? Just say No, Just say No.

I have visions of you avoiding them today crawling around under the windows with the doors locked. .

Hope it goes well.

Have just read your thread and your neighbours really are something else. I'm on the west coast too so if you need further back up just shout .

I am really speechless at this thread. OP, you obviously don't think much of these people and have pointed out a lot of their negative characteristics. In fact, I can't recall any positive ones you've mentioned.

So, why exactly do you let people you don't much care for nor respect into your home, entertain them, and then come on here and complain that they overstep a boundary you've blurred?

I can't imagine sitting around chatting with someone who I think is taking the advantage of me like this, and STILL let them do it, and welcome them into my home whenever they feel like instead of telling them to get out.

They're not going to respect you if you continue to act like you don't have any self-respect and allow them to walk all over you.

Be prepared for them never to make a direct request, because it sounds as if they think you've already agreed. They may just drop you in it (eg school have been told by them that you will pick up their dc as well as your own, or they will phone you at last minute to wail that other arrangements have not worked out). Difficult to believe that they would be so chancy with their own dc's care, but apparently some people are.

I agree with everything Karma has said.

I too am feeling really involved with this thread.

THe thought of other people invading my house at all hours just gives me the shudders. You have to draw more boundaries - those whom you like are welcome, these users are not.

Moreover, I am currently going through a torturous career transition (ironically from teaching to...I am not sure what yet.). I am doing this in order that I can work part-time, have more control over my hours and be available in the future to handle these situations for my son. The thought of someone else then shamelessly ligging off the hard-bought advantages of this change, in terms of personal, career and financial costs to me, would just drive me potty!

Every time you care for someone else's child while they are working they are deriving an economic benefit from your unpaid labour.

Will be back later to check on you......................................

(extra ............. for hairy)

i also suspect they'll pitch up tomorrow, kids in hand. prepare for that too, if you haven't been onslaughted tonight.

Still eagerly awaiting the conclusion....

HI POL, I've just read through this whole thread. I've been in your shoes (nearly) with neighbours of ours, I could have written your post 5 years ago.

I also live in an area where I don't have to lock the door. Kids wander in and out and ours is the house where lots of neighbours pop in for a cuppa and I love that.

However, one couple totally took the piss a few years ago. I and the other DW were SAHMs at the same time but she really didn't enjoy being on her own with her kids (used to call her older DD "a little bitch") so she used to come to my house almost every day. "I saw the car so I presumed you were in." I like her but was getting very sick of constantly having someone in my house but didn't know what to do to get rid of her. I'd start making dinner thinking she'd take the hint and go, but she'd take out a vegetable peeler and start helping. My mam would call for a cuppa and I'd think she'd go home to let us have a chat, but no, she'd pull up a chair. Her phone would ring in the evening and it would be her DH asking where she was. "I'm in lettinggo's house." Two minutes later, the bell would ring and in HE'd come too. I got hard enough eventually to be able to say "I'm going to have to throw you out now cos we're ready to eat."

I just didn't know how to extract myself from the situation. The final straw for me came just before my DS started school. By then, she'd gone back to work part-time and often asked me to do things for her because she was so so busy now and I had all the time in the world. She's come home from work in the afternoon with her kids and ask if I could mind them for a couple of hours so she could get the shopping done/ go to the post office...I resented being asked to do stuff but never said no cos I'm a non-confrontational chicken. Then she had a party in her house and had hired plates etc which needed to be returned. She asked me to return them to a place the far side of the city. I had just been talking about how awful I was feeling (I had a vomiting bug) and when she asked, I initially reluctantly said ok, then when I heard where I had to go with them, I said no, I didn't know where it was. She said "Don't worry, I'll set up the GPS for you."

Another neighbour called over, remarked how awful I looked and said go to bed, I'll take DS over to my house. I told her I had to return the plates for PissTaker and NiceNeighbour said "Tell her to fuck off and return them herself. What a bloody cheek"

So I did. Well, I didn't say fuck off but I said I wasn't feeling good. And that was the day I grew balls. When she'd stick her head in the door and shout out "Only me, I brought biscuits, fancy a coffee?" (with two children in tow) I learned to say "Sounds lovely but can't do it today because X is calling later and I've loads to get done before then/ I have to go to X and need to get sorted first/ never got a wink of sleep last night so NiceNeighbour is going to mind DS so I can get some sleep etc. I'll give you a shout later in the week if you week. What about Thurs?"

I really feel for you because you sound so like me. I hate to be rude to other people but as other posters have said, these people will bleed you dry and not worry one bit about it so you need to act differently to how you normally would. You need to extract yourselves from the situation now. When you were there last night and ODH came when you wanted to put your kids to bed, you need to explicitly say "I'll need to turf you out now, ODH, cos WE have to get these kids to bed. It's a two-man job in this house! We'll catch up with you next weekend." Just be very very direct so there's no wiggle room.

Another handy phrase for you, POL:

I had to go and see our neighbours about a noise problem. They (a couple) are student musicians and were practising (literally) morning, noon and night. We told them it wasn't on and we wanted an agreement that limited their hours. They kept saying things like 'But we can't afford to hire practice rooms' or 'There isn't anywhere at college to practise'. I answered every one of them with a bland 'Well, that's a matter for you'.

Point being, where else they played wasn't my problem. My problem was 12 hours straight of * cello, or cello at 2am when they got in from a party, or at 7 am Sunday morning ad nauseum.

As soon as they cottoned on the guilt trip was not going to work, they came to a sensible agreement to which they have broadly kept. It's not confrontation as such that you need, it is conveying the message that WHATEVER YOU SAY I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT. It's the very fact it is a bit of a pompous and old-fashioned phrase that conveys the message so well.

Back again, but only because there was an attempt at moving the situation up a gear.

First tho' pchip You're right, I don't have a great deal of nice things to say about the protaganists in this...because we don't think they're dear friends, we don't invite them here anymore, we don't socialise with them, we don't appear at their house, we don't ask for anything from them, we don't just sit down and have a nice chat with them when they turn up uninvited, unnanounced, and unwelcome! I did say that they are not BAD people, just have an inflated sense of entitlement imo. We are guilty of being friendly neighbours in the first instance, but why is it only this couple out of so many we've met over the last 4 years that behave in this manner towards us? COULD it be that they behave/d in this manner towards others too, and we're now their last port of call? Is that it? Would a drowning man give up a lifebelt without a monumental struggle?!

So, here's what happened earlier.

Lunchtime. T/c from ODH asking if DC1 wanted to join them on an activity ...Why today? Why never before today? I said 'NO, we have plans' (to imagined cheers, ticker tape, and Pom-Poms waving at my lovely balls).

NOT ruling out a visit later tho' just yet.

If I can get to the point of putting our DC1 into school tomorrow, they can ask for whatever they damn well please as 'No, No, No' will trip off my tongue like a waterfall. At the risk of repeating myself, it's the obvious 'brass neck' approach they have perfected that has had me worrying about this for a long time.

I'm grateful to everyone for the POV's.

(ChippingIn ...Tho' Hairy was right to call me out, I was all over the place earlier. It's hard to read a wild post...but just look at me now...and I found some stunning balls here too so all's well.

(Swings impressive balls around like a professional and goes to make dinner).

I've been following too! Just a tip for tomorrow - if it comes to this - don't look organised tomorrow morning, even if you are, so that if she tries to drop child off with you in the morning, you can look like you're struggling to get yourselves together, and certainly can't do anyone else's child too.

Starting to think you and the DC should leave the house rather early tomorrow, just to avoid the last-minute emergency approach.

On the other hand, how disappointed will be you if it turns out they have sorted something out and don't ask you any favours at all?

Go POL! Hopefully you have flummoxed them by bailing out of their plans, but I doubt it. You're going to need those balls tonight or tomorrow!

Good.

You must never worry about offending users. It's actually not possible. They ask for outrageous things because they just might get it. It's like Salespeople, it's a numbers game. 90% won't buy but 10% will. That's the way they see it.

Look what happened when their previous victims ran them off the doorstep (the ones with the new baby and bottle of fizz) they just moved on to the next victims.

They don't give a shit whether you say no. It won't hurt their feelings. They might claim you are rude just as a tactic so they can manipulate you but they really don't give a shit at all. So embrace your inner rudeness. Practice it! Enforce it. It's fun.

I always say if someone is rude enough to ask then they can't be sensitive about the answer.

Say no and laugh. Be unapologetic. It would be great if they were offended, you could get them off your back. But they wont be. But they will move on to new prey when they realise you won't do their dirty work.

make sure you have a strategy (in addition to saying no) for thisevening.

"sorry, you cant come in, we have a very excited child about school and want to keep her as calm as possible now its a School Night!"

In fact, having school nights means you can avoid them all week -

can DC come and play?

No sorry, not on a school night!

"Just thought Id pop in for coffee with DC..."
"Sorry, we are doing reading and then an early night as Dc is just exhausted from school"

and at weekends:

"no sorry, DCs had an exhausting week and is not feeling so well, so we are snuggling on the sofa and having a quiet family night in. "

I loathe hint-dropping. Why don't people just ask straightforward questions? You're right to stand your ground.

Also if they do turn up on your door step tomorrow morning which may be a possibility, say ' no, it really isn't convenient its quite emotional time here, I'm sure you understand.' And then revert to the post from Hattifattner.

.

I wouldn't give any reasons why you're saying no. If you give a reason then the other person will find a way to get around it. E.g. you say your DC needs a calm evening, then they'll offer to lend you a quiet music CD.

On tenterhooks here. They might invite you round for dinner tonight.

yy no and laugh

or no and seriously you don't have your childcare sorted out?! God I can't do it you must be joking. Seriously you don't have your childcare sorted out?

Well done for dodging that particular bullet POL.

Great ideas from Hatti as to what you can say to help you dodge the next round coming your way.

Curly is right when she says you can't hurt these peoples feelings and that if they are rude enough to ask then they can't be sensitive about the answer.

Am thinking of you and we are all there in spirit. Just imagine us all standing next to you when they try it on later .