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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

667 replies

PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 15:55

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments Hmm. The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

OP posts:
KristinaM · 20/08/2011 20:53

What happens if you put in the wrong number of dots?

LydiaWickham · 20/08/2011 20:54

It will be a lovely sunny day tomorrow. Pack up some food, get in the car, go for a picnic with your DCs. Don't be in.

If they have the brass neck to come over the night before school to ask, feel free to say no. Even if it's a 2 pronged attack, just keep saying 'no'.

warthog · 20/08/2011 20:54

close shave with the laptop...

but you did good. you did good.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 20/08/2011 20:56

hairfullofsnakes ... I agree with ALL your points .... just not myself these days Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 20/08/2011 20:57

... obviously.

OP posts:
plupervert · 20/08/2011 20:58

Nooooo! You should have left her at the laptop!

You still haven't solved your problem!

Sandalwood · 20/08/2011 20:58

Oh no. I wish they wouldn't leave it til the very last minute to come out with it. It makes you feel more shit for saying 'no'.
But that's not your problem. They've had forever to sort this out.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 20:59

Oh well, at least they've buggered off for now.

Wish I could come round and tell them for you Smile

Tell dh to keep them on the doorstep - I think that is key. Once they are in, you lose control over when they leave. so, if nothing else, drum into him that they must not cross the threshold.

Keep the doors locked - it gives you breathing space while you compose yourself and think what to say.

And remember, their child care is not your problem and you have a right to be in your own home without uninvited visitors all the time.

On the bright side, at least your dh didn't say you will do their child care and if they do catch him unawares, you can phone them and say it won't be possible and they should have asked you directly. I like the idea suggested upthread of saying another friend asked you to do child care and you've declined and think (fictitious) friend had a cheek asking. Might put them off.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 20/08/2011 20:59

KristinaM ... I get shot, and just when I was doing so well... as well.

Wink
OP posts:
duckdodgers · 20/08/2011 21:14

Unless Im missing something I really dont get this - you say they are pushy etc - but if you say "I'm busy you cant come in" that should sort it. Why are you so scared and/or incapable of saying no? Why put up with all this crap!

Im sorry OP Im with the people that say you just say no. Hiding in your own home? Letting neighbours in on Christmas Eve? Its all mad.

Why is another families childcare YOUR responsibility?? It is only if YOU make it. Im sorry but I cant see any reason you have let this go on for as long as you have unless you are getting something from the situation, maybe you like to feel needed?

CeliaFate · 20/08/2011 21:36

Next time they say, "I don't know what we're going to do about childcare," tell them, "your childminder is excellent, I wouldn't have the patience to look after other people's children, but she does a brilliant job."

WillowFae · 20/08/2011 21:40

I do think they should make their own arrangements and not assume that you will do it for free, so YANBU, they are!

However, remember that if they are both teachers it is NOT possible for them to take time off to and arrange for one of them to be there each day, as you have done.

TillyIpswitch · 20/08/2011 21:53

I have been following this thread, but haven't posted.

OP - you sound so lovely, you really do. Too lovely! :)

The older I get the more I wonder - why oh why do we (and I include myself in this) pussy-foot around rhinoceroses?? The more rude and buffoonish and socially inept someone is, the more we seem to walk on egg-shells around them, as if preserving the delicate sensibilities they most certainly do NOT have.

It doesn't make any sense. Can you imagine for one second that they would be behaving in such a fashion if the situation were reversed? Cowering inside their own home, totally unable to say no? No way. They would say no and they wouldn't give the issue a second thought.

You have to treat like with like. These people do not take hints. They ride roughshod in an attempt to be catered for. You don't have to ride roughshod back, but you do have to be firm. Polite, but firm. NO.

The world will not stop spinning on its axis if you say no to them. Honestly, it won't. Now good luck!!!

TillyIpswitch · 20/08/2011 21:55

WillowFae - so, they can continue to pay the childminder they've been using, in that case...!! Confused

The OP has NO obligation here. None.

WillowFae · 20/08/2011 21:58

Absolutely TillyIpswitch. I was just referring to the fact that the OP said that they had done everything they could to make sure that either her or her DH were there when needed. Just pointing out that teachers can't do that.

But I agree, the OP has no obligation - hence I said that she was NBU, they were.

Blueberties · 20/08/2011 22:10

Nuts. You have to look cross. Sorry - you have to SHOW it. Show it tomorrow.

Collaborate · 20/08/2011 22:26

POL. no need to lie. If they ask outright tell them that you have plans with your kids that you've been working on for months and thats that. Looking after their kids doesn't fit in with their plans, but neither does it fit in with your plans too.

hairfullofsnakes · 20/08/2011 22:28

Great... Don't just agree, do something about it. And no space between a word and the dots... Wink

LydiaWickham · 20/08/2011 22:29

Or, you could try being brave and say "no, I don't want to." Then stay silent. Be brave, don't feel the need to fill that silence with an excuse. If they ask why say "I don't want to." It's just not possible to argue with "I don't want to." It's both the scariest to do and the scariest to face of arguments.

And I'm sorry you're having to waste your last lovely weekend with your DH before DC starts school stressing about this.

echt · 20/08/2011 22:40

Part of their strategy will be to embarrass you into saying yes, by saying how badly they'll be put out by your saying no. They WILL try to railroad you by tearing their hair out and looking anguished. If they're smart, they'll actually have their tear-stained child with them as additional weight.

When they do finally manage to spit it out, let your jaw drop and say you couldn't possibly do this.

nbee84 · 20/08/2011 22:52

Waiting for tomorrow's instalment, marking my place Grin

Pishwife · 20/08/2011 22:54

"No" is a complete sentence, but if really pressed by a using no-favours-returned type who wants to pump you for a reason so that they can blow it out of the water... I like to expand it to "No I don't want to" with a friendly smile - IMPOSSIBLE to wiggle around!

Pishwife · 20/08/2011 22:58

Ah I dithered on my phone & cross-posted with Lydia, who is very wise!

Have you tried it, Lydia? I have only used it twice on real pisstakers and the result is usually spectacular :)

MissBeehiving · 20/08/2011 23:02

Grin This is erring into Classic territory.

Stiff upper lip Previously

Pishwife · 20/08/2011 23:07

Read this classic by someone called Tangerine on another forum about the difference between askers & guessers. Turns out askers aren't actually that upset about people saying "no."