To want to be sterilised even though I've never had children?

[QueenStromba]

I've been hanging around on Mumsnet for the last 9 months or so. This is partly because this is a fantastic and highly entertaining community to be a part of and party because I was curious about how the other half lived. I've always thought that I didn't want children and would have been happy to be sterilised if I thought that they'd do it for me but didn't think they would due to the fact that I'm 29 and haven't had kids. I just happened to mention to my contraceptive nurse that I would like to be sterilised and she said that they might well do it if I was completely sure that it was what I definitely wanted. I thought about it for months and I spent a long time on mumsnet to try to understand what motherhood is really like. I've decided that it really isn't for me so I'm posting here either for reassurance that if I really don't think it's for me then I should get sterilised or to have a proper argument about it with someone so that I rethink it and decide that I should either wait or not have it done at all.

If he's not happy with the permanence of a vasectomy but he's happy with you having a similar permanent proceedure then that doesn't add up. Not if he thinks you're the one for him like you say.

Just reading those last two posts of yours, sorry, but I now think that, for now, YABU.

Your relationship doesn't sound like one of equal balance, either. So it's possible that you might also find someone else and decide to have children with him.

I'd use the mini-pill and double up with something like Persona to make absolutely sure I never ovulated.

x-posted with Viva, who put it much more succinctly. I don't think this is a good time in your life to undertake such a decision.

TBH, while I love my children and wouldn't give them up, there's a fair sized part of me that wishes I'd never had them, because I've had to give up so much of who I am for them. I'm a solitary person, and they are just so darned needy! But then, they're still small, and when they're bigger and more independent, I imagine the balance will swing more in my favour.

I have the greatest respect for anyone who decides not to have children. I envy their lifestyles and their freedom.

So, if you think you don't want children, don't have any.

But, as others have said, there are less dramatic ways to make sure that doesn't happen.

Obviously it is up to you and I think you're right to analyse your feelings.

I felt similar ambivalence through to abhorence right up to 30 then my biological clock went off and I became a woman obsessed in trying to conceive. There is / was little rational about it but I'm happy enough now so don't feel like the two resulting children were a terrible mistake. This is my experience and based on it I'd advise you keep your options open.

You only get one set of the baby making "kit" (uterus, ovaries etc...) so I'd keep it. Maybe I'd think of it like a generator in the shed you haven't used but might come in useful some dark and chilly day (or if you have a bouncy castle to inflate on a happy sunny one), and not think of it like an unoccupied guest bedroom gathering dust. Which is possibly the worst analogy ever. Apologies.

DilysPrice . OP, you sound sure about it so stop soliciting opposing arguments and simply be firm with your GP. If you are 100% sure then it will come through.

My experience is irrelevant to you as you appear to be 100% sure that sterilisation is right for you but I have never had a maternal urge and still don't seek out children's company. I only had a child (at 37) because I knew how much it would make DH happy. My DD bowled him over, but she's also ignited my own life and I am so so happy I had her.

By "keeping it! I am sorry - clearly you're not contemplating a full hysterectomy or owt - I only meant "keeping your bits intact"...

OP, the truth is vital here not rehearsed and borrowed ideas from Mumsnet!!

Things like I can't stand children makes you a) sound horrid and b) sound like most people before they have their own!!

VivaLeBeaver: I was waiting for that to turn into a critique of my relationship. As I mentioned before, he suffers from depression so is likely to envision the worst case scenario so of course he's going to consider things not working out. While I'm 100% sure I don't want kids, I think he's only 95% sure.

I still dont get why you are posting here if you are 100% sure. You dont need to get a list of arguements from the internet to go to a gp with.

QueenStromba it is 100% your body, your choice. I'd be more inclined to persuade your DP to get a vasectomy because that is more easily reversed. Its completely normal and natural to have feelings like you do, as little girls we are conditioned to be little mummies with baby dolls and prams, some women also have a strong maternal urge that may have nothing to do with conditioning. I'd really be certain its what you wanted, good luck with your decision

It's not a critique, it's just that the background behind doing this now doesn't seem ideal.

I have a friend who was adamant at 26 she would never have kids and wanted to be sterilised. She had her own business and that was that apparently. I'm the same age and although I vaguely thought I may want kids one day marriage and babies was not on any immediate agenda. Fast forward 9 years and she is a mum of two (working part time-her business went under) and I'm a mum of 3 plus one on the way (and still have a good career). I didn't like babies, had never held one but at 28 some hormone kicked in. Personally I think it's a bit extreme at your young age. As you get older life goes more and more off plan from what you think you want.

So would you be ok if he recovers from his depression, decides he now wants kids and leaves you for someone who can have them?

You know, it just occured to me (and sorry for my harsh post below, there are so many people coming here posting about not wanting kids, it is getting tedious), that I do not want to own a horse. Nor do I want to keep chicken.

The thought of horse or chicken ownership never ever ever crossed my mind. I would never give a second thought to whether I wanted one or not, I just know.

So it is really lucky that I dont need to seek professional help in order to prevent me from aquiring horses or chicken against my will.

QS is doing the right thing seeking advice here.

I say fair play to you, QS, you clearly have considered your options and feel confident in your decision.

I can't say I'm the same; I did want children but ended up not having them. However, I've never felt "broody" in my life - not the way I've seen friends go through it, and not even when I was pregnant. I'd be a fool to discount the advantages of not having kids: more money, MUCH more freedom, better holidays, self-realisation ... selfishness, basically Equally, I'd be a fool to discount the rewards of parenthood. But it's easier for a selfish adult to find emotional fulfilment by other means, than for a parent to find enough 'me-time'!

In the end, we mostly learn to like what we get. The world's full of accidental parents who wouldn't be without their DC now they've got them. If you don't have children, whether through choice or accident, you come to love the freedom. Out of those who resent their choices, it's the ones with children who do harm.

As long as you're certain of your reasons (eg, you're not covering up a birth phobia or anything) and honestly prefer sterilisation to more temporary solutions, then go for it and good luck :)

By coincidence, several of my friends (mothers) have recently had full hysterectomies and say it's improved their lives no end! I'm not sure why yet but, apart from anything else, a period-free life sounds appealing.

I used to be convinced that I didn't want kids, babies always seemed hassle and I was petrified of labour! But two kids later and I'm really glad I did it. Certainly wouldn't put myself through it again though!

Sterilisation seems too drastic imo, especially when there are effective but reversible options instead.

ThePosieParker: I'm surprised it took you so long to resort to calling me horrid for not liking kids. There are plenty of other women on here who have admitted that they don't like any kids other than their own so I don't exactly think I'm in the minority here.

rainbowinthesky: As I've said, I'm posting here because I don't want to turn up to my consultation and have them come out with something that I hadn't thought of. I'm just so fed up with the pill messing with my body and mind that I didn't want to risk the doctor not referring me and now that I have the referral I don't want to risk them turning me down. Also I posted this at 2am when I was a wee bit tipsy.

I have a friend who was adaman she would never have kids and wanted to be sterilised. She had her own business and that was that apparently ... Fast forward 9 years and she is a mum of two (working part time - her business went under)

See, lollystix, that would have been a deal-breaker for me at any age. My career / independence was essential. Sure, if I'd finished up like your friend, I would have learned to love what I had instead - but it would have meant sacrificing something that was pivotal to my identity.

I think you and your partner are BU to make such a huge decision when you are both dealing with depression.

I could have written much of what you say when I was in my 20s and suffering from chronic depression. Around 30 I had therapy and it completely changed my life, my outlook, my confidence in myself, my dreams. I have a DS now and I still can't believe it in a way, I never thought this would be my life, but even in its toughest moments I don't regret it, he is such a joy. I am not maternal generally, at all, but I love him to pieces and I think I'm a good mum.

I think you should wait and focus first on overcoming the depression. When you live with it for so long it becomes normalised and you think you will always have to deal with it but please believe me, it doesn't have to be that way.

VivaLeBeaver: I love him enough that while it would break my heart if he decided to do that, I want him to be happy. As I said above, this is part of the reason why I want to be sterilised - I don't want to ever be in the situation where I have to decide between keeping my relationship or going against my belief that having a child would be both bad for me and the child.

QuintessentialShadow: Thank you, you have made a very good point in a stylish manner.

garlicbutter: The idea of pregnancy and giving birth does terrify me but not as much as the idea of being responsible for another human being for 18 years. My entire family is dysfunctional on both sides. While I wasn't beaten or sexually abused, I had a terrible childhood. My parents split up when I was 4. I'm glad of this because my father is an emotionally abusive bastard but that meant that my depressed mother had to bring us up on her own. Unsurprisingly she didn't do a good job but I think she did the best that she could and I have no doubt that her life would have been an awful lot better if she hadn't had us. I clearly remember wishing I'd never been born at the age of about 8 and since then I've had maybe 5 years where I was depression free. There is no way I'm willing to put another human being through that.

Are you resigned to being depressed? Is your DP?

To be honest, if you both think you will be depressed for the rest of your lives, then you probably shouldn't have children. Realistically, your relationship will probably not survive the long term either.

But that seems such a miserable outlook. For your own good, never mind children, you should be trying to get rid of the depression. Who knows what you will want if you do? I don't think you should do anything irrevocable when you are in this frame of mind.

I was depressed for at least 15 years, it's never too late to get better.

Garlicbutter - her business didn't go under cos she had kids - totally unrelated. She works now and still is passionate about working.

Appreciate this is not a debate about working mums. However pErsonally I do feel that babies can get in the way of your success at work - people's perceptions of you change. I'm not saying this applies in all industries but in mine which is very male, I do feel I have professionally done my career some degree of disservice. That said - I went into it with my eyes open and wouldn't change my decision for the world. I really feel having kids has changed me. I'm not 'better' in any way but it has taught me so much about myself and my abilities.

I totally see why you would be afraid (or at least, very cautious) of having children. I had similar concerns - I heard myself saying "I'm not grown up enough to be a mother!" and knew instantly that I meant I wouldn't be able to parent without replaying issues from my own childhood.

My nieces and nephews suffer a range of behavioural and emotional problems, so I wasn't wrong.

However - and this is a BIG however! - I would be an excellent parent now. Impossible for me but, had I realised sooner that I needed proper therapy, things might have turned out differently. Well, they would have, but I mean wrt having DC. If this really is the underlying fear for you, then I'm coming down more on the side of those who advise addressing your mental health before getting your tubes tied.

That's not to say I think you'll "regret it for life" or anything; as I've said, you'd be mad not to perceive the advantages of being childfree. But because it's a bad idea to let your inner 'scripts' dictate big decisions. This is something I didn't know back then - we know more about such things these days, and have more opportunity to change our thinking if we want. Engaging in a full recovery will broaden your potentials, and might include wanting to have children.

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do! You obviously have plenty of self-awareness and have thought deeply around it. Since you had the sense to mention this strand in your decision-making, though, I would like to encourage you to respect that and include fixing the damage in your range of options :)

This is going to sound churlish, but I really don't mean it to.

I'm not going to try to persuade to to change your mind, but might it be worth considering your dysfunctional family from another perspective?my childhood was awful. One of the main reasons I wanted children was because of, not in spite of that. I see proving them all wrong as a challenge, and I love a challenge. That said, I do have maternal instincts, and can imagine that without I wouldn't relish the challenge in the same way.

I'm not of the belief that you ought to have children to save a relationship or to 'fix' yourself, but you might well surprise yourself if you were to become a mother. Those instincts that you seem so afraid of (hormones that persuade you to keep a baby if you were to fall pregnant) are there for a reason. Hard to say from the little we've 'seen' of you, but I think you'd make a very good, sensible and thoughtful mother. Having a child might well make you an entirely different person - the lows can be pretty bad, but the highs of parenthood are like no other. I have seen friends of mine really become better and happier people due to having children.

Although I don't really understand your decision, I respect it. I hope you are happy and have no regrets. My advice, however, would be to look further into better contraceptive methods, and possibly some really good therapy would help you come to terms with elements of your past.