To want to be sterilised even though I've never had children?

[QueenStromba]

I've been hanging around on Mumsnet for the last 9 months or so. This is partly because this is a fantastic and highly entertaining community to be a part of and party because I was curious about how the other half lived. I've always thought that I didn't want children and would have been happy to be sterilised if I thought that they'd do it for me but didn't think they would due to the fact that I'm 29 and haven't had kids. I just happened to mention to my contraceptive nurse that I would like to be sterilised and she said that they might well do it if I was completely sure that it was what I definitely wanted. I thought about it for months and I spent a long time on mumsnet to try to understand what motherhood is really like. I've decided that it really isn't for me so I'm posting here either for reassurance that if I really don't think it's for me then I should get sterilised or to have a proper argument about it with someone so that I rethink it and decide that I should either wait or not have it done at all.

at least you wont need to start every post with

Im pregnant (implying so i am speshul and more important than you)

Deciding whether to have children based on what you read on a parenting site is just ridiculous, to be honest. Reading about having children, as someone else has said, is like reading about skiing, or swimming, it's all about the experience. Now, if you came on here and said I've seen my friends over the last few years have their children (a bit unlikely as you are 29 and many groups of friends start having them in their early thirties to forty odd) and I've played with them, had fun with them, but also seen how their lives have changed and it's just not for me. And, you had a partner who felt the same, great, your decision is made.

I have several friends who have ended up not having children. For one it was an active choice, she found a man who also didn't want children, works very well. The other is ending up not having them as time has run out, but she's cool with that.

But that's not what you are saying, which is why I don't see where your pressing need to get sterilized is coming from (FWIW neither of my childless friends did get sterilized) at this particular age. Using contraception for another ten years is no biggie and gives you all life's options.

It's your choice. If you feel very strongly that you do not want to be a mother ever and you feel that there is no possibility of ever changing your mind, then do it.

Have you ever really loved something and then changed your mind?
Have you ever hated something and then changed your mind?
Have you ever seen things one way and then changed your opinion?

I used to be a card carrying member of the SWP. 100% convinced I would always be. Back then, you could have signed me up for life and I would have never accepted I could possibly change my views.

15 years later, I voted lib dem in the last election.

Now, while political views are not the same as motherhood it is important to know that you can NEVER be sure that how you feel right now about something will certainly be the way you will feel in the future.

However, can you avoid doing things because there's a chance you might feel differently about them in 20 years.

it is your right to decide. If you never want children then you will have done the right thing. If in ten years you suddenly realise that you do want children, then you will just have to accept that you made a choice that means that it will not be possible for you to carry a child and you will look into adoption etc.

I don't see what you gain from being sterilised. As others have said there is such a range of contraception available, there must be something that suits you, and you keep the option to change your mind, or not. Why take away the choice? No matter how sure you are now there is no way you can know how you will feel in 10 years.

I know that this sounds terrible, but having had DD I now feel that I understand better why people wouldn't want children. (Disclaimer, I do want children and my DD in particular). It makes a lot of sense to me. In the same way as I don't want a dog as I don't want to have to walk it and be tied down by it. Also having used the pill for about 15 years I can understand why you might not want to use long term contraception. On the other hand, I have changed my mind about lots of things, including major ones, over my adult life and I never like to make irrevokable decisions. In some ways I found that one of the most difficult things about having DD, in that you can't undo having children or take them back to the shop for a refund.

I meant the life changing decision this thread is about.
But it's no different. You wouldn't say that to a woman having a child at 25, so why say it to a woman making the decision not to? Both decisions (to have children or to be sterilised) are permanent life altering decisions and women making them should be treated in the same way.

Two of my friends made this decision. One waited till her early 30s to go through with it, but was absolutely clear she did not want children.

Neither of them - or their various partners along the way - have ever regretted this.

Two of my friends have had tubal sterilisation in their 30s without ever having ha children and I know several men who had vasectomies in their 30s without ever having had children.

They are now all in their 40s and not a one regrets the decision.

Hello QueenStromba,

I'm in an almost identical position to you. I'm 26 and don't want children - never have. I was the eldest of 4 children and due to my mother's issues when I was younger I spent a considerable amount of time raising the younger two.

I am also a teacher, and while I absolutely adore the kids I work with, I value massively the fact I can go home to a silent home.

As for as I'm concerned I never want children, but I don't think sterilization is the best thing for me - If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't PLAN, and you really don't know what your future self will want. It's quite a big call to say "I know what I will want in 15 years time."

I am on long term contraception, and although it has a couple of side effects I don't like, I like the fact that it is non permanent. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to stay childless (though I've been scared to bring it up on these boards as there are obviously many women here who struggle with fertility issues.)

I hope you come to some kind of resolution xx

whats breeder bingo?

I don't think Mumsnet is a good way to know if you want to be a mother or not. Do you have friends with children? At 29, my friends with children were in the minority, but by 32, my friends without are in the minority (same people!).

If you have a lot of first hand experience of people with children, (people who have similar careers as you/your partner so you have an idea of the lifestyle - face it, having DCs with money is a hell of a lot more fun than without), and are in a relationship with the person you want to spend your life with and you still don't think it's for you, then it probably isn't.

Even allowing for that, why are you considering doing something so invasive that can have a lot of complications? If you are in your lifelong relationship, why wouldn't you ask your DP to have the snip instead? It's a lot less risky/painful. Why does the decision and responsibility sit with you?

If you aren't in a long term relationship, won't you a) want to keep your options open in case you do meet a man you want to have children with (it's a cliche because it happens) and b) use condoms anyway if you're still at the random shag stage? (at the risk of sounding like someone's mum, condoms don't just stop pregnancies, now you don't want to be catching anything nasty.)

If you dont want children, you dont have to have them...

sounds v. dramatic, why post about it?

DH had accepted that if he was with me he'd be childless. I didn't want a baby. Never wanted to have children. Even at the point when we decided that perhaps we might try (in a vauge just not taking precautions way) .The first moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted a baby. I was 31.

Why are you so sure that you'd be prepared to take away your option to change your mind?

OP, I'm also in the same position as you and ButWhyIsTheGinGone. I work with children, love it, but love my adult life too. I'm looking forward to being an aunt but not a mum. My DP feels the same.

I was absolutely gung-ho for sterilisation when I was about 28-29 (only 31 now so not patronising you!) and discussed it long and hard with my DP. He wasn't keen at all as he felt it was too drastic a step to take. So we shelved it for a few years. We both still feel the same re no kids but I'm becoming more ok with the idea that I MAY change my mind. On balance, I suppose I'm glad I didn't go ahead with it, and I'm not planning to in the future.

I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL - in fact, I think you are being extremely responsible and forward-thinking and good for you. I would imagine you would have to jump through many hoops to get sterilised on the NHS as a young child-free woman. For what it's worth, I use Mirena and while insertion was hellish, I have been bleed, cramp and pain free for over a year. Of course, Mirena is not right for everyone, but there are long-term reliable contraception options available.

And by the way, I agree with other posters who say that hanging out on Mumsnet is NOT a good way to sample parenthood - for all sorts of reasons! Spending time with real-life children is the only way to do that. And I think it bears repeating that if you decide parenthood is not for you, that is a perfectly legitimate decision. it's not always the easiest decision to live with, but you have to be honest with yourself and do what makes you happy. Good luck!

A lot of my friends (early 40s now) haven't had children, mostly from choice, and I can quite see their point. They mostly have lovely lives and I'm quite often a bit envious of what they are doing.

But I would suggest you don't base your decision on a parenting board, the people who post the most are often the ones with more problems. So you will get a skewed idea of the difficulties of it all. My life with 3 children is (currently) very pleasant, so I don't have much to say on threads about problems, and there are lots of others like me who aren't very visible. It's inevitable that people going through a difficult phase of parenting are posting most vigorously, that's when Mumsnet becomes a lifeline. and when life calms down they often move on.

Being childless may well be the right thing for you.
Being sterilised may well be the right thing for you.

However, I do think it is worth having a discussion / argument with people over this because it is a very difficult decision to reverse. If people make all the points about changing your mind etc. and you reflect on all of these and can't ever contemplate wanting children then it is the right choice for you.

It is probably worth canvassing a range of views because on a childfree website you are likely to to get views at one end of the spectrum and on a parenting website views at the other.

I think that you don't sound absolutely certain in your post and for that reason I would hold off for now.

Tbh, I don't think that other peoples children can help you decide. I think that when you look after/spend time with children that you don't love (even if you like and care about them a great deal), you tend to see the disadvantages more than the advantages. The thing that makes your own children different is the love and connection you feel for them. I adore my dc but have no great desire to spend time with anyone else's.

Having children is a leap of faith - you just trust that you will adore them and for most people that pans out, even when they haven't been particularly child oriented before having dc.

But, if you don't feel that maternal urge, then there are a lot of very good reasons to not have children and these reasons are as valid as the reasons for having them, which tend to be based on feeling rather than logic.

I'm waffling a bit, but because feelings are subject to change and are not always logical, I'd hold off on the sterilization for now and concentrate on finding really good contraception that gives you the freedom to not worry, until you are absolutely certain.

I spent the best part of 15 yrs asking to be sterilised and no-one would as I didn't already have children.

Thank goodness it never happened, I changed my mind and had DD who is the most wonderfull addition to my life.

At 29 i was absolutely certain that i would never want children. At 38 I had DD.

A long-term reversible contraception is more flexible, should you change your mind.

Forgot to add, that I had a colleague, years ago who couldn't for the life of her understand why I wanted children. She just didn't have the urge herself. She was happy in her relationship, had a good career, nice house and lifestyle and was totally sorted.

Fast forward a few years and the relationship ended and she is now married to someone else and has a child. She has completely changed her mind. Most of us know someone like that, so it does happen, even to people who swore it wouldn't.

I think people who know absolutely for sure what they want are very lucky.

I've never understood the idea of ending all possibility of changing your mind when it comes to something as fundamental as having children.

My dsis was sterilised at age 29, because she and her dh were absolutely certain that they didn't want children and wouldn't ever want them. As far as I am aware, they have never once regretted that decision, and at age 45, dsis is very happy with her life as it is, enjoys being an aunt when she sees my dc (or an honorary aunt to her friends' children), and is sure she has done the right thing.

My personal opinion is that childrearing is bloody hard work and frustrating at times, even if you definately want to be a parent, so I can quite understand why someone who is sure they don't want to be a parent, would want to avoid any risk of ending up pregnant by accident.

It is totally fine not to want children and/or never have them. But you've got 15 potential years of fertility in which you might decide to change your mind and I think it would be a real shame to take the opportunity (even if you never choose to use it) away from yourself.

I wouldn't do it at 29yrs -it is so young. You can easily change your mind-even if you think there is no possibility at the moment.

I'd keep my options open and wouldn't make a decision that was potentially irreversible (sterilisation), if I had an alternative (contraception).
There's no advantage to you in making the sterilisation decision; it reduces your choices and fixes your position at that point in time.
I'm not saying you will change your point of view over time.
I'm just saying that destroying your potential fertility, combined with an operation (with risk, albeit relatively low); is somewhat short sighted when you can control your fertility in a far less dramatic fashion.

OP I do sympathise - my boyfriend and I are 37 and 32 respectively and have decided that we would like to remain childfree.

The number of times that people say 'oh you'll change your mind' as if our considered decision is just a silly phase and we'll come round to the right choice soon enough is really insulting and patronising, and it's easy to want to lash out at that. Is your desire to be sterilised maybe down to that? In that case, can I suggest you do what I did and splash out on a totally inappropriate two seater car - it shut them all up for at least ten minutes!

My (otherwise very nice) boss is terrible for it - you just have to mention feeling unwell and she winks and says 'ah I knew you wanted a baby after all' - I enjoyed telling her that the reason I was unwell was period pains!

When we moved in together a couple of years ago everyone said 'ah, she's nesting' - to the extent that it gave my boyfriend really cold feet about the whole thing. It frustrates me so much that people feel that they can second guess your decisions.

However, I have never thought about sterilisation - it just seems so intrusive to me. I guess I'm lucky in that I seem to get on OK with the contraception I'm on but even though I don't want children I'm not sure if I'd want to shut down that part of me forever. Arrggghhh, maybe my boss is right!