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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be sterilised even though I've never had children?

157 replies

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 02:17

I've been hanging around on Mumsnet for the last 9 months or so. This is partly because this is a fantastic and highly entertaining community to be a part of and party because I was curious about how the other half lived. I've always thought that I didn't want children and would have been happy to be sterilised if I thought that they'd do it for me but didn't think they would due to the fact that I'm 29 and haven't had kids. I just happened to mention to my contraceptive nurse that I would like to be sterilised and she said that they might well do it if I was completely sure that it was what I definitely wanted. I thought about it for months and I spent a long time on mumsnet to try to understand what motherhood is really like. I've decided that it really isn't for me so I'm posting here either for reassurance that if I really don't think it's for me then I should get sterilised or to have a proper argument about it with someone so that I rethink it and decide that I should either wait or not have it done at all.

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 17/08/2011 18:54

I'm still not sure why you've posted[confuse] I mean of all the forums you ask a forum of mothers, mainly mothers. I wonder what reaction you were looking for?

northerngirl41 · 17/08/2011 18:55

I often think that the childfree lifestyle is a perfectly valid choice which gets discounted because it's "not what people do".

I mean what happens if you have kids because it's expected of you or because you think it might be nice sometimes or that you'll regret it if you don't have them.... And then you realise that it really isn't for you? It's not a toy you can take back to the store, it's not a house you can sell or a job you can change - you're stuck with it!

And I am utterly convinced that the world would be a much better place if only people who genuinely wanted kids had them, and that everyone stopped bashing the childfree for being "selfish" - I mean just how selfish is it to have a child because YOU wanted one? I don't think it gets much more selfish than that.

I have a few childfree friends and I respect their views entirely - my kids don't get forced upon them, I don't bore them rigid with tedious nappy stories, and in return they give me some grown up time and an insight into how my life might have been.

So no, YANBU at all. But if you aren't 100% sure I think there's a new ring clip sterilisation which is apparently easily reversible and doesn't need any anesthetic - might be worth looking into if the hormone stuff doesn't agree with you?

breatheslowly · 17/08/2011 18:56

You sound very hung up on this decision, but that might be because you are explaining it to us. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about it?

lachesis · 17/08/2011 18:59

It's your life and you're body and you're well enough along in adulthood to make these kinds of decisions.

If you can't get a referral out of this GP and you're absolutely sure you want this, then you'll find another doc to refer you, IME.

Bandwithering · 17/08/2011 18:59

Just leave your options open!

I believe you that you may never be broody but you also might meet somebody you love so much that you'd decide to have a baby. Who knows? Just don't limit your options, that'd be my advice. Nobody will make you have a baby.

Original poster

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 19:06

Thanks karma. I've always avoided getting into relationships with men that I know want kids. My DP doesn't want kids and I think he is "the one" so hopefully I'll never be in the situation where I have a partner that wants me to give him babies. I didn't mention it in the post above because it was getting a bit on the long side and I could spend all day listing the reasons I don't want children, but one of the reasons I want to be sterilised is so that I don't end up in a position where I feel pressurised into having children by a partner. It would be heartbreaking for me to have to split up with someone I loved because I found out that they did want children but had just been hoping I'd change my mind. If they knew I'd been sterilised then they would know it wasn't an option from the beginning. I'm also slightly worried that if I was put in that situation that I might give in even though I know it's not for me, although hopefully the rational part of my brain would kick in and tell me that the relationship was doomed anyway because if I did have a child with someone I would be so terrified that they'd leave me and I'd have to bring up the child on my own that I would drive them away.

OP posts:

lachesis · 17/08/2011 19:08

Would he consider vasectomy then? It's a much easier procedure for a man.

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 19:12

If I really didnt want a dog and didnt like them and couldnt bear to spend time with them the last thing I would do is ask posters on a dog forum whether I was doing the right thing in not having one. (unless deep down I wondered if I might one day. )

VivaLeBeaver · 17/08/2011 19:21

I got sterilised when I was 29, though after having a dd.

I don't really like kids, dd wasn't planned. I do love dd but a lot of the time think it would be nice to not be a parent. I don't cope well with parenthood, she's turned me from a chilled out, relaxed person into a stress head, screaming harpy. Other people's kids drive me insane, I just don't like them.

I had problems with contraception. Hormonal contraception gives me bad mood swings. I've tried two coils and my uterus expels them. So I got sterilised. Dh was supportive, he didn't want more kids.

Seven years on and I'm as broody as anything. Can't explain why as I still don't like kids. It's like my head is telling me one thing and my heart another. It makes no sense from a career, financial or sanity point of view for me to have another child.

I've had lots of problems with my periods lately and was referred to see a gynae consultant. He said it was good that I'd been sterilised as they could do thermal ablation and burn my womb lining away for good. I was gripped by panic and went home sobbing at the thought of not been able to have another child. I decided that I couldn't have the op and went and asked about having my sterilisation reversed. Was told that it wasn't really an option at my age and that ivf would be more likely to be successful. Well I can't afford ivf so I had the thermal ablation done. So that's it, no choice now at all.

Do I regret it? Yes and no. My head tells me that not having another kid is the right thing for me but i still feel bloody broody.

Bandwithering · 17/08/2011 19:23

Yeah, my kids turned me from a calm person in to a screaming harpy as well!!!

Original poster

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 19:24

rainbowinthesky and ThePosieParker: I am 100% sure, I just wanted people to try and change my mind because I knew that was what the GP was going to try to do so I wanted to be prepared and be able to lay my argument out rationally.

breatheslowly: I've thought about it every day for the last 6/7 months. I've played out every possible life scenario in my head. I wanted to be sure that I had thought it out completely before I spoke to my GP because probably won't get a second referral if they won't do it the first time so I really want to be sure I can convince them,

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 17/08/2011 19:27

I think that maybe Queen asked here, of all places, was to cover all possibilities. Perhaps because we are (mostly) parents she thought we might say something that she hadn't previously thought of. I think it makes sense to ask the people most likely to extol the virtues of parenthood, just to be certain that you aren't missing something when coming to a huge decision.

I also think that MNers are very good at seeing things from an 'outside' pov and giving considered opinions, even though we have generally made different choices.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/08/2011 19:27

x posted

ThePosieParker · 17/08/2011 19:32

I think you're not 100% actually and you fear, rightly, the thought you'll change your mind, as many have posted that they have.

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 19:34

I agree with posie.

breatheslowly · 17/08/2011 19:42

I really doubt that you couldn't get a second referral if you didn't get the op this time. I am not convinced either. To think about it every day for 6/7 months just to get the right arguement formulated for your GP sounds like a rationalisation. Have you thought about having some counselling to help you to explore your feelings and reasoning? Really high quality counselling can be extremely helpful in resolving issues that have been playing on your mind.

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 19:45

My db and his wife both were dead set against having children before they got married. He has lots of issues which really need long term counselling to address. My sil has now changed her mind and is desparate to have a baby but he is still adamant he doesnt want to ever.

BsshBossh · 17/08/2011 19:51

If you think your DP is "the one" and he thinks you are "the one" then why doesn't he have a vasectomy? He doesn't want kids either and to my limited knowledge a vasectomy is easier and reversabe c.f. female sterilisation.

Original poster

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 19:55

lachesis: Even though he doesn't want kids he says he's not happy about the permanence of it. Oddly he's fine with the idea of me getting sterilised so I think it's partly that he's scared of having it done. He does really like kids and I'm sure he would want them if he wasn't depressed, if things don't work out with us I think he probably would have kids with someone to make them happy. I'm absolutely terrified of the idea of an operation myself so I'm hoping that my primary care trust will do the Essure procedure instead. If not, then I'm willing to have an op to avoid having to fill my body with hormones for the next 20 years. Even though I did broach the subject with my DP, I don't really want him to get the snip. I'd have to be a completely hopeless romantic to not consider the fact that we might not last forever or that he might get hit by a bus in which case I'd be back to filling my body with hormones if I found someone new.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 17/08/2011 19:59

You are too young to make such a life changing decision that you may really really regret. I had a friend who was completely adamant she didnt want kids and now, in her mid/late thirties, she wants a child. I think toy would be making a terrible mistake.

rainbowinthesky · 17/08/2011 20:00

Dh and I dont want anymore kids. We dont discuss it with each other nor do we discuss it with friends or family as there is nothing to discuss. Neither of us ever think about it. We are happy with our contraception and if it failed I would have a termination without hesitation or thought. I have never and would never start a thread about this nor do I lurk on pregnancy or trying to concieve threads to reassure myself I am right.

Original poster

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 20:00

Bandwithering: I'm already a bit of a screaming harpy at times (that might be the pill though) so I'd hate to think what I'd be like if I had kids!

OP posts:

stripeywoollenhat · 17/08/2011 20:01

if you feel sure, then go for it. being a parent is about 80% tedium made worthwhile by the 20% bowled-overness - if you think you wouldn't be bowled over, don't even think of it...

DilysPrice · 17/08/2011 20:04

Is it just me who has the urge to leap onto all the TTC threads (not the actual infertility ones, just the ones who ditched the pill yesterday) and say "Oooh no, you're much too young to make such a huge decision! You do realise you can't put them back? What if you decide you don't like being a mother?"

Original poster

QueenStromba · 17/08/2011 20:09

I don't lurk in the the pregnancy or TTC sections, I stick to chat, AIBU and family planning. Sorry if I didn't make it clear in my second post, but I wrote my OP in such a way as to make it sound like I wasn't 100% sure because I wanted people to try and talk me out of it so that I'll have an answer for everything the doctor says.

hairfullofsnakes: At what age should I make this decision? 40? There was a thread in family planning recently where the OP couldn't get a referral from her GP because "they don't do it just for contraceptive reasons", I think the real reason was because she was 40 and it wouldn't be cost effective for the NHS to do it

OP posts:

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