To want to be sterilised even though I've never had children?

[QueenStromba]

I've been hanging around on Mumsnet for the last 9 months or so. This is partly because this is a fantastic and highly entertaining community to be a part of and party because I was curious about how the other half lived. I've always thought that I didn't want children and would have been happy to be sterilised if I thought that they'd do it for me but didn't think they would due to the fact that I'm 29 and haven't had kids. I just happened to mention to my contraceptive nurse that I would like to be sterilised and she said that they might well do it if I was completely sure that it was what I definitely wanted. I thought about it for months and I spent a long time on mumsnet to try to understand what motherhood is really like. I've decided that it really isn't for me so I'm posting here either for reassurance that if I really don't think it's for me then I should get sterilised or to have a proper argument about it with someone so that I rethink it and decide that I should either wait or not have it done at all.

what is the problem with your current contraception that you would consider an operation instead? If is the best option then go ahead otehrwise it seems an extreme methos of contraception.

My friend was sterilised in her 20's and went on to adopt 3 children.

Sorry I should make clear that she didn't want pregnancy and birth and always planned to adopt - she didn;t regret the sterilisation.

Yes. The point of people is to have children.

OP, I doubt it's the first time you've come across attitudes like yuma's but please ignore

yuma

I disagree intensely.

wherearemysocka, it's SO NICE to hear from people in the same position! People can be such (unprintable word) about other people's choices. I find it quite consoling to ask myself just why it bothers them so much?? Why do they give so much of a fig about something that is your choice and impacts on them not a single jot??? hmmm..... I know it's really hard, but stay with your feelings - don't let other people plant ideas in your head. Own your own decision, and if it changes, that will be your decision too

I like the idea of the 2 seater car but neither me nor my DP drive, so we will have to come up with something else!

This weekend I gained real insight into offroad cycling down mountains, as my dh told me about the cycling event he took part in.

This is also how I learnt to scuba dive. The next skill I will pick up is playing football, I intend to watch an entire season of football. Not that I think I will be the next Beckham, but even so.

Go eat some ice cream.

yuma there is more to me than my ability to reproduce.

Thankfully those in legal or medical positions don't agree with you about our purpose being to produce children. At least in this country, anyway.

hi op if you were 39 id say go for it, but you have 15 years of child bearing years left and you dont know how they will pan out, reversal of lap steri's can often result in ectopic pregnancies especially if the women is older when she decides to have it done, if successful the risk of miscarriage in an older women is greater as well, havin spent some time working in the nhs in womens health, i would advise speaking to older ladies who had sterilization years ago who then in their late thirties change their mind, and have gone on to have a reversal and then have their name down for ivf and see the emotional heartache it brings with it when for alot of these women it doesnt end happily (this is just my opinion based on what i have seen working in that area for over 5 years it is not based on reserch ) think long and hard op but i wish you well what ever you decide

I felt the same way as you at 29 and even 34.

Changed my mind at 37 and VERY luckily had DD the same year.

Don't do this, it simply doesn't make sense. Even a 1% chance that you may change your mind is a simply massive risk, because to want a child and not be able to have one is possibly one of the biggest heartbreaks you could face. You just do not know - look at the testimony of all those, including me, who have changed their minds. I'd say it's quite a normal pattern.

I assume long-term contraception isn't for you? I'm guessing there must be a reason why this is an issue that can't be solved by contraception, as it seems such a drastic step to take.

OP, are you really going to make your decision based on the answers of a bunch of randoms off've the interwebs?!

My honest reaction is, if you know your own mind and are absolutely certain that it will never change, then you should do what you want.

FWIW since I was a very small girl I was adamant that I never wanted children. That was the case right up until my 32nd birthday bbq, at which point I had a weird moment of realisation that I wanted to have children as they were awesome. This may have had something to do with friends' cute toddlers and too much , but the desire for children stuck around long after the hangover had gone. I now have an amazing DD and wouldn't say no to another one (or more!).

But this is me. I'm not you. You may never change your mind. I have no idea how decisive and consistent you are.

I get the feeling that the OP posted this for one of two reasons:

1. she is not 100% sure and wanted ither proplea# opinions OR
2. she is playing "breeder bingo" (a "game" that the childfree like to play with the "childed"/breeders to see how many clichéd responses we come out with in response to their avowal they wish to remain childfree) Iirc, "you'll change your mind when you're older" is the top one. Probably because it's the most likely to come true!

I can't remember the site involved last time option 2 happened, and don't really want to revisit it as it was fairly unpleasant - the OP of that thread took what was said here on MN back to their site and there were some shockingly nasty things being said about posters who had given genuine and kind responses.

Poo. Posted before corrrecting dodgy one-handed typos:

1. she is not 100% sure and wanted other people's opinions

I am with Thumbwitch.

Let us not play this game. It is tedious.

What has it got to do with any of us if the OP hacks of her own falloppian tubes or not? Fuck nothing.

Has the op responded yet?

I think by 29 you know your own mind and fully understand all the implications. It's your choice and you must do what is right for you

I wouldn't get sterilised. The nurse told me that coils fail less often than sterilisation, so maybe you should find out if one might suit you. Also, like a lot of other posters have said, you can never know if you'll change your mind, so why not keep your options (and your tubes) open.

Sorry I've taken so long to respond. I'm not playing breeder bingo I swear (do a search for me and you'll see that I have been posting here for many months). The main reason I posted this thread was because I was planning to ask my GP for a referral and knew that she'd try to talk me out of it so wanted an idea of the arguments against it she would make. I actually managed get an appointment today before I had a chance to get back to this thread. She did refer me but discussing it here will still be useful for when I have my consultation.

There are several reasons why I'm sure I don't want children. Firstly, I just don't have the maternal urge, the maternal instinct gene seems to be missing from the women in my family (both my mother and grandmother have regretted having children). I'm going to get severely flamed for this and sound like a complete monster but I just don't like children or babies. I go all gooey over kittens and puppies and I really don't get that with babies at all. I also can't stand the sound of a baby crying, it gives me a headache in about 5 seconds and drives me insane after a minute or two. I get a similar thing with the sound of small children except it takes about a minute to get the headache and about ten minutes to send me crazy. If I had a child then at best I would be one of those horrible mothers you see screaming at their children in the supermarket.

I'm willing to concede that there is the small chance that one day I will wake up and decide I want a baby as has happened to some of the women on this thread. What isn't going to change is the fact that I am prone to long bouts of severe depression where I'm incapable of even looking after myself let alone another human being. A few months ago I was so bad that the idea of being admitted to the psych ward was quite appealing and having the responsibility of a child to look after would have tipped me over the edge. My mother also suffers from depression so I know exactly how terrible a life any child of mine would have and I'm just not willing to put someone through that.

So why do I want a sterilisation rather than just using contraception? I'm on the mini pill at the moment and I just don't trust it. I'm so terrified of getting pregnant that I have 20 pregnancy tests and take on every few weeks so that if I do get pregnant I'll be able to terminate quickly before the hormones have a chance to mess with my head and make me think that keeping it would be a good idea. The mini pill also just doesn't suit me, I've gone from having a high sex drive to having almost no libido at all, it's made my periods irregular and very painful and I think it is probably contributing to my depression.

I can count out all other methods of contraception. I can't take the combined pill because my blood pressure is too high. I really hate condoms, I don't like the feel of them and they make me sore (I think I probably have a mild latex allergy and my DP is too large for non latex condoms). I had to have the implant taken out after 24 days because it really didn't agree with me. Coils are out because I've got a long vagina so I wouldn't be able to check the strings which would make me constantly worried that it wasn't in place. Even if that weren't the case I wouldn't be willing to try the mirena because of the problems I had with the implant and I have heavy periods which counts out the copper coil. I just don't see why I should have to torture myself with contraception when there is a permanent solution.

No one will flame you for not being too keen on other peoples children. I'm not, as a rule and I have four of my own that I absolutely adore beyond belief.

It sounds to me like you have lots of good reasons not to have dc. Really the only good reason to have dc is if you have the biological urge to and if that isn't there, well why would you turn your life upside down for something you don't desperately want.

I think we all make the best choices that we can, with the information available at the time. You may change your mind later, but if you've really considered that and it's a chance you are prepared to take then no one has the right to say you are wrong.

Have you thought about how a future partner might figure into this? You shouldn't have a baby for someone else's sake, but it is worth a thought.

Whatever you ultimately decide, good luck.

Unlike suggested by another poster I don't think anyone has an obligation to have children nor is it the only means to a happy and fulfilled life.

You have clearly thought this through and appreciate the consequences of sterilisation. If for various reasons, you just don't want children then it is perfectly reasonable for you to take steps to ensure that you don't have them. Ultimately your body, your life, your choice and the only acceptable intervention, in my view, is that your Dr checks you are making an informed choice which it appears you are.

Can I just ask all the people extolling the virtues of long term contraception whether they've read the ear-infection thread - shoals of women taking apparently reliable contraception there who suddenly found themselves pg, unable to contemplate an abortion, and facing bringing up an unwanted baby, sometimes at severe risk to their own health.

Sorry, YABU hugely unreasonable.

You don't lurk on mumsnet to find out if you want kids. Seriously.

If you have any doubts (and it seems you must or you wouldn't have been lurking here to make sure)then you need to give yourself some time, and also try speding time with actual mothers and children.

Yanbu to then be sterilised if you are sure you want it, but don't base a decision on lurking on an interent forum.

If you were really sure you wouldnt have needed to post. You'd just do it without neeeding to be reassured.

If you're sure then go ahead. It's a personal choice, and from your last post you have lots of well thought through reasons. Long term hormonal contraception is not for everyone.