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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to throw a strop and get married in secret?

82 replies

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:03

DP and I have been together for approx 8 yrs now.

We have two children, we have lived together for 7 years, we both work, we're happy together.

DP proposed in feb, ever since then our family and friends have been a fucking nightmare.

Dsis1 - wants us to arrange our wedding date around her mate who announced her engagement after ours. Dsis1 is being a bridesmaid for her but has refused to be a bridesmaid for me. Says she thinks it's pointless??

Dsis2 - wants to inspect my wedding dress and plans "in case I show her up".

Mum - shown no interest at all other than giving me a list of people who I must invoite or "she'll never forgive me"

Dad - has told me he will boycott the wedding if we decide to get married in a church so won't give me away.

Dp's friends - all keep critiscising our various ideas for the wedding venue etc.

So, I am now inclined to run away with DP and the two kids, get married in a registry office and tell everyone afterwards.

We're not getting married for the big day, we're getting married because we want to. Am so fucked off right now.

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 15/08/2011 13:05

Do it! And have a bloody good day while you are about it!

and have a big party after and don't invite any of them!!

I am seriously lacking the bride gene though!

suzikettles · 15/08/2011 13:07

Absolutely! Do it.

Original poster

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:08

lol, see I'm lacking it too but we want to make sure the kids and the one left behind are protected if one of us pops our clogs. We have deeds of trust etc etc already but we're not next of kin at the moment.

OP posts:

afishcalledmummy · 15/08/2011 13:09

Do it - your wedding is about your, your almostDH and anyone else you choose to invite! If it's what the two of you want, then go for it!

A small word to the wise - we cancelled a big wedding because my mother was being unbearable and had a much smaller, simple do which was lovely but somehow it became all about her still (I was expected to apologise, which she now imagines I have when I bloody haven't) and it has taken me a while to let go of how upset she made me over her behaviour. Make sure you're truly at peace with whatever you do as you need to be happy with your own decisions if you're giving everyone else the metaphorical finger!

Enjoy whatever you choose to do!

CMOTdibbler · 15/08/2011 13:10

In those circs, I'd get married in secret - well, apart from telling MN so you get some witnesses

Spend the money you save not having a do by having a lovely family holiday and buy yourself a gorgeous dress you can feel great in time and time again.

YouDoTheMath · 15/08/2011 13:11

I would either do what you suggest and marry in secret, or do something that will be a complete inconvenience to EVERYONE in the list above.

Either way, you'll piss everyone off = Result!

Seriously though - why do people think their opinions count when it comes to others' weddings?

robino · 15/08/2011 13:14

go for it! can highly recommend MN for witnesses!

lou33 · 15/08/2011 13:15

I would definitely do it in secret then tell them all afterwards. In fact i had a discussion with my bf about this exact topic, telling him that if i ever got married again (am not long divorced so not inclined to go that route again in a hurry as much as we love each other), the only way i would consider it would be if we did it v low key and told everyone afterwards.

Original poster

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:20

oooo robino! I remember that thread!

Well, that's settled then. I'll get Dp on board and we'll do it.......
I shall update.

OP posts:

lashingsofbingeinghere · 15/08/2011 13:21

Wow! Is there a handy label for families of the bride who behave like, er, Bridezilla? FOTB-zillas?

Seriously, they sound impossible to please, so you may as well do what you want.

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 13:23

Do it!

We did - not the getting fucked off bit but the married in secret bit. Was great. As uneventful a day as I could have wished for

Do it, then tell them exactly why you did. Interfering, bossy little crew they sound!!

OTheHugeManatee · 15/08/2011 13:23

If all these nasty bossybootses are going to boycott your wedding if you don't comply, then surely that's a win-win? They get to have a nice flounce, and you get to enjoy a wedding free of sulking and snitty remarks.Trebles all round!

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 13:25

lashings - Clan-zillas?

Or. 'TSBs'

Thoroughly Slappable Bunch!

Ephiny · 15/08/2011 13:25

If it's what you want then do it! But don't be pushed into feeling you have to. You can have the wedding you want, and do things the way you and DP want and ignore the rude comments. They do sound very trying though, you have my sympathies.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/08/2011 13:27

YANBU - do it!

Keep your plans secret, marry quietly on Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve and announce it after the event - if you marry on either of those dates, your family will not forget your anniversary and neither will your new DH,.

Or consider getting a special licence and slope off to tie the knot sometime next week or shortly thereafter - Thursday is the most propitious day for a wedding.

To get your family off your back, tell them you've both decided to have a long hard think about what you want for your big day and are considering doing the deed on a holiday to Vegas or similar.

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 15/08/2011 13:27

Definitely do it!

You can do without all the sniping and compromise. It's about you and your partner.

I wanted to get married in a registry office. My (now) ex-FIL refused to come to the wedding unless I got married in a church......so I did get married in a church. Felt like a complete hypocrite.

Your marriage, your day, your rules. They'll just have to suck it up!

OTheHugeManatee · 15/08/2011 13:27

Agree with Ephiny. Unless you really want a totally secret day don't get pushed into it by bullying relatives. Just tell them all that if they don't like your plans, they don't have to come.

foodiemountainbiker · 15/08/2011 13:28

Definitely do it!

My DH & I had been together for 5 yrs and had 2 children. We got married in secret with 2 close friends as witnesses (they didn't know why they were visiting us until about 2 hours before the ceremony) and had the wonderful day that we wanted. Apparently I had a huge smile on my face the whole way through.

The only reason we were doing it was for next of kin / wills etc. reasons and I know that if we had told anyone then we would have been in exactly the same situation as you. My mother is the only person who was actually upset. I know that even if we had got married inviting everyone that she wanted (hating every minute of it) she would have been upset about the music or the food or something else anyway. Everyone else said they were fine with it or that they were very glad that we had done it like that.

Original poster

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:30

TSB's is my new favourite.

I get what you are saying Ephiny, I do feel a bit pushed into running away. But then again, I hate the idea of a big day with people staring at me and a fucking camera in my face.
The whole concept of soppy speeches and having to be nice to people who are only there for a free drink up fills me with horror.

Dsis2 is getting married in Oct, it is a huge affair, we have had detailed emails with instructions about what we are to wear and who we can talk to ......

That is so not me.

Hmm, the trouble is that DP would probably enjoy a massive knees up.

HELP ME!!!

OP posts:

Malvapoeding · 15/08/2011 13:31

We invited a few friends and our parents to lunch at a local restaurant one Saturday, a couple of days before we rang them and said we are getting married at X at X o'clock and them coming on to lunch join us for the service if you have time. We had been together 7 years and cancelled a huge wedding due to ridiculous demands from various family members including a cousin demanding I change the style and colour of her bridesmaid dress to something more 'racy' because it was as much her day as mine!

superjobee · 15/08/2011 13:31

i so wish i could do this myself! my mum and OHs mum are stalking me with dresses, bm dresses, waistcoats cravats sit down meals you simply must invite 500 rellies we dont actually speak to so we dont lose face etc etc :( i just want to go some where pretty and get married its not so much to ask is it?

OH was married before in our towns registry so we cant do that, maybe the next town over? i may mention it to him hope you get your perfect day :)

AMumInScotland · 15/08/2011 13:34

What do you (and DP) really want to do?

You need to agree it with him, and practice a stock phrase for anyone who causes a fuss. I'm tempted by "Fuck off and die", but you might like to try "Our wedding. Our choice." or something else direct but not rude.

You could have a small wedding and a bigger evening party if that would be a compromise between keeping it small for the main event but still having a knees up?

OTheHugeManatee · 15/08/2011 13:35

including a cousin demanding I change the style and colour of her bridesmaid dress to something more 'racy' because it was as much her day as mine

Do people like this actually exist????

Ephiny · 15/08/2011 13:38

I know what you mean, hate the idea of being dressed up and looked at and photographed myself. I'd be quite tempted by the running away idea, but DP doesn't feel it would be right (his family are actually quite nice and reasonable to be fair, and he doesn't want to upset them). My ideal compromise would be a very small occasion - so simple registry office ceremony (would be church if we were religious types) followed by a nice lunch which we'd cater ourselves (maybe in PILs house/garden as our place is so small). No speeches or anything, no excessive dressing up, no formal photography. Just invite immediate family (parents and siblings) and closest friends.

No offence to your DSis - but her wedding sounds like the sort I dread going to!

milkmilklemonade · 15/08/2011 13:42

Do it! My wedding was appalling, the registry office was filled with my parents' friends and on the day my mum brought my 7 month old nephew round to our house to babysit so my sister could get ready. They forgot to collect us as agreed for the evening reception and by the time we got there the champagne was finished.

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