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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to throw a strop and get married in secret?

82 replies

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:03

DP and I have been together for approx 8 yrs now.

We have two children, we have lived together for 7 years, we both work, we're happy together.

DP proposed in feb, ever since then our family and friends have been a fucking nightmare.

Dsis1 - wants us to arrange our wedding date around her mate who announced her engagement after ours. Dsis1 is being a bridesmaid for her but has refused to be a bridesmaid for me. Says she thinks it's pointless??

Dsis2 - wants to inspect my wedding dress and plans "in case I show her up".

Mum - shown no interest at all other than giving me a list of people who I must invoite or "she'll never forgive me"

Dad - has told me he will boycott the wedding if we decide to get married in a church so won't give me away.

Dp's friends - all keep critiscising our various ideas for the wedding venue etc.

So, I am now inclined to run away with DP and the two kids, get married in a registry office and tell everyone afterwards.

We're not getting married for the big day, we're getting married because we want to. Am so fucked off right now.

OP posts:
CrispyHedgehog · 15/08/2011 17:32

do it!! a friend of mine did this recently. They got so sick of the family bickering over who to invite etc that they ran off to Gretna Green without telling anyone back in May.

The original wedding was booked for last week, the only thing they couldn't cancel was the reception (already paid for and the venue wouldn't refund) so she had a big wedding reception type party on the original wedding date :o

thebird · 15/08/2011 17:46

DP & I are doing just that next week - just us and DCs going on holiday and will come back as Mr & Mrs! Really can't be dealing with all the agro involved with organising a family event not to mention the cost. I learnt my lesson organising DD1s christening and Im not going there again!

Go for it - I'm sure it will cause some upset but like you said its about you not them. Its the same result in the end whether its a big white wedding or just you and DCs at the registry office. Good Luck :)

notevenamousie · 15/08/2011 17:54

I wouldn't throw a strop, I'd just do it.
You could go away and get married and then come back and have a party - your DP would get his 'knees up' but you'd get a wedding that is more 'you'.

MorelliOrRanger · 15/08/2011 17:58

Def NBU.

TBH, I'd do it on the same day as you sis's wedding just so you know they can't bother you :)

purplepidjin · 15/08/2011 18:10

If you come down to the new forest, I'll polish up the Beetle (see profile) and drive for you - and I won't ask for an invite, either!

kilburnfrenchie · 15/08/2011 18:14

it sounds as if your sis's problem is that she's worried about you spoiling her moment which i sort of vaguely understand ( my sister in law/ bil got engaged at the same time as us and we did have space things out a bit to keep everyone happy) but if you aren't desperate for lots of attention yourself then it's easy- you take the kids and 2 very good ( and discrete) friends off to the reg office one lunchtime, head to the pub afterwards and job done. You don't tell people about it- you just do it. then you don't tell anyone about it for a few weeks and let them know later!

If your dp wants a big knees up- then have a party, not a wedding, a few weeks/ months later!!! costs half as much, he can make a short toast celebrating the fact that you are married, and then have a big party- because it's a party there are no rules & you can do what you like. you could even plan for a 1 year anniversry party to give your sis a clear run at everyone's attention.

We went to reg office with 5 others, then had lunch together at pub mid-week & it was fantastic. We did have a "proper" white wedding with a humanist ceremony and about 100 guests a few months later- but we didn't have anywhere near the nightmare demands you are describing.

to be honest- you won't please everybody whatever you do- so you might as well please yourself. and when people are crabby and snooty and start commenting on your decisions you try your hardest to ignore them & try not to get wound up!

pjmama · 15/08/2011 18:15

If your DP would like a party, then do just that. Go off and have your wedding quietly, then just throw a party afterwards. It's a party, not a wedding therefore you don't need to follow the bullshit etiquette rules regarding who gets invited, who pays for what, which hats/outfits/blah are suitable, how many photos to pose uncomfortably for, speeches, etc. yada, blah, blah.

Just a good old fashioned party, where you want and how you want it - no other opinions required.

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/08/2011 18:21

there is a solution, get married in the registery office...then a party with a buffet after.

JetLi · 15/08/2011 18:31

Sorry for the hijack OP - kilburnfrenchie can you elaborate a bit? Was it that the registry was "legal" & the humanist part would be something

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/08/2011 18:38

A humanist ceremony isn't legally binding as far as I remember, you need the registrar for that bit. The humanist ceremony is the equivilent of the religious part of a church wedding. It's the fluff to the steel of the signing of the register in the Vicar's office after the vows. Bonus being, you don't need to get a licence for you garden, the woods or wherever else you choose to have your ceremony. I believe the same is true of handfasting etc.

The important bit is the contract between the bride and groom. Everything else is just decor Grin

JetLi · 15/08/2011 18:46

Ooh ProcrastinatorGeneral - you might just have saved my back Grin thank you!! This may be a way we can have a bit of a day, without breaking the bank!

Grin
JetLi · 15/08/2011 18:47
Lady1nTheRadiator · 15/08/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/08/2011 18:58

Check with your local registrar and a humanist first. My info may well be utterly outdated and buggered by now. Good luck though!

plupervert · 15/08/2011 18:58

The main thing is not to give in to any one demand, or everyone will be pissed off. Having decided to refuse all their unreasonable demands, go for the wedding you want, whether secret or "public"! Smile

KristinaM · 15/08/2011 19:09

Its IMPOSSIBLE to keep everyone happy. I defy you to tell me of one single wedding in the uk in the last 20 years where everyone was happy. We have devised such complicated " traditions" ( which are mostly about money and commercialism) that you will Always offedn soemone

It sounds like thsi wedding is aout two things

The legal contrcat ( to offer security to you and your children)
A big knees up for your dh

So go ahead and do that, if thats what you want.

Have a simple regsitry office weddimg with two witnesses. Dont tell amy of your family if they will get upset. Get the legal document.then have a big party at a later date.

Dont make it aout spiritual or religious issues if that is not you. Be true to youreslves and what your relationship is all about. This about you, your dp and your kids. Not about the dress that your sil wants blah blah blah

KristinaM · 15/08/2011 19:18

I thnk the bridezilla thing coems i in when people cant tvell the difference between what THEY ( the bride and grrom ) want to do and what tvhey want EVERYONE ESLE to do.

So " we want to pledge our troth bby reciting nordic runes ona mountain top at dawn wearing constumes made of leaves" is just fine. "we insist that you join us in our naked dance to the goddess and will never speak tp you again if you dont "is not

So do it the way you want. But accept that soem people will sulk and act peeved because you didnt do it their way. Tough.as long as you arent asking anything of thme ( except their presence at a party), then its their problem. They will get over it

Mermaidspam · 15/08/2011 19:58

Do it!

I'm another one who cancelled a big wedding due to Bridesmaids, mums and grandmothers all thinking they had a rather large say in how the day went, who was invited, etc.

We cancelled everything with 5 months to go and rearranged it for 6 weeks time, where we wanted and with who(m?) we wanted, it was fantastic.

thebird · 15/08/2011 20:00

Funny how no one seems to be saying go for the big White do!

A good friend spent over £20k on her big day, had nothing but grief from
her MIL and family over who to invite, what the menu should be, who should sit with whom. After the reception she said she wished shed run off to Los Vagas as the whole thing was so stressful and not really about her and her DH.

When family and money are involved things are always going to be tricky - run!

Andrewofgg · 15/08/2011 20:04

Just do it. You need two witnesses before the Registrar. Otherwise it's up to you.

One of the witnesses should be a competent photographer for obvious reasons.

As for the family, sod 'em.

microserf · 15/08/2011 21:44

i spent £££ on a big white wedding, and seriously wish we'd eloped. kept asking dh but he refused. i got so fucking tired of all the fights - with my dad especially but with quite a few other people. wish i'd just bunked off and done it on our own. would have been a damn sight cheaper.

skybluepearl · 15/08/2011 21:50

we ran off and it was great!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/08/2011 21:55

YANBU

MorelliOrRanger · 16/08/2011 12:08

When we finally do it, we are having a humanist ceremony - I can't wait. :-)

We'll do the legal bit in the registary office and then do what we want in our garden.

lachesis · 16/08/2011 12:10

Get married in a Registry Office with your partner and kids and have a wonderful day!