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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to throw a strop and get married in secret?

82 replies

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:03

DP and I have been together for approx 8 yrs now.

We have two children, we have lived together for 7 years, we both work, we're happy together.

DP proposed in feb, ever since then our family and friends have been a fucking nightmare.

Dsis1 - wants us to arrange our wedding date around her mate who announced her engagement after ours. Dsis1 is being a bridesmaid for her but has refused to be a bridesmaid for me. Says she thinks it's pointless??

Dsis2 - wants to inspect my wedding dress and plans "in case I show her up".

Mum - shown no interest at all other than giving me a list of people who I must invoite or "she'll never forgive me"

Dad - has told me he will boycott the wedding if we decide to get married in a church so won't give me away.

Dp's friends - all keep critiscising our various ideas for the wedding venue etc.

So, I am now inclined to run away with DP and the two kids, get married in a registry office and tell everyone afterwards.

We're not getting married for the big day, we're getting married because we want to. Am so fucked off right now.

OP posts:

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 15/08/2011 13:43

sod the lot of them. Do a bunk and don't look back. Honestly, what a bunch of self important gits!

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/08/2011 13:46

You can have a simple wedding, and an epic knees up for your other half. Just plan the knees up but don't tell anybody why. Just say you fancy a party. If it's near a major festival as somebody else has suggested, you can even let people assume it's for that. Then spring your marriedness (smug or otherwise, depending on the level of Bridget Jones in your life ) on them mid-boogie

Signet2012 · 15/08/2011 13:54

Im sorely tempted to "do one and come back married" myself. My issue is my family without even meaning to, put so much pressure on me!

Mother thinks that without a fruitcake it isnt a proper wedding (I assume the vows become meaningless when sponge cake is offered instead (!))

That by insisting I dont want favours/button holes/any other expensive unnecessary item then I may as well "not bother" with the "full bloody thing"

And I most definately must include Aunt * in my 40 ceremony goers (immediate family brothers and sisters partners etc already takes numbers to 30) Because she was at my christening, and its not really the point that Ive never seen her since.

Run Away OP Run like the wind do it your way and have a lovely day!

Original poster

miniwedge · 15/08/2011 13:55

have laughed way too loudly in my quiet office at "fuck off and die" being our stock phrase.
It sums up my current mood beautifully.

Yes, have to admit am dreading Dsis wedding. It's going to cost us hundreds of pounds that we haven't got and she doesn't particularly want us there. She's marrying into a v posh plummy family. We are not v posh, we have a big tv and like to drink lager.

OK, will talk to dp this evening and let you know the outcome tomorrow. Am now VERY excited that we could be hitched by Christmas!!

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 15/08/2011 13:57

i dont blame you, save yourself stress and a few £1000s too

rubyrubyruby · 15/08/2011 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherJaffaCake · 15/08/2011 14:06

Go for it. We had a quiet(ish) registry office wedding (I got cold feet at the church wedding we'd originally booked), but it still wasn't quiet enough. We really regret not running away to get married in secret. There's always someone somewhere in a family who wants to take over or cause problems. In our case it was my father who rolled up drunk and got steadily more drunk during the day and did some unspeakably embarrassing things that left us cringing and wished we'd just got on a train and gone to Gretna Green!!!

lynniep · 15/08/2011 14:15

If I were in your shoes, I'd think sod em all and have a lovely quiet one too.

I wasnt in your shoes at the time I married DH, but due to pressure from my (estranged/ birth) mum and financial issues, we had a very small wedding (to which I only invited four people - my dad, step-mum, step-sister and her DH). My friends were sad at first that they didnt get the big do, but it was a brilliant (and relatively cheap!) day and the people I wanted there, were there.

My step-sister did something similar - she didnt want her dad there ruining her day, which he inevitably would, so she pootled off to Barbados (in a slightly-more-expensive-pootling kind of way lol) and only my dad and her mum went (along with other friends and her DH's family she has that she actually wanted to go) I didnt mind at all that I wasnt invited as I knew the score. She had a big party on her return when she got dressed in her frock and a grand knees up was had by all.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/08/2011 14:24

lynnie Respect to the pootle! Too few people realise the importance of pootling

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/08/2011 14:42

Organise a mahoosive shindig, marry secretly earlier in the day, turn up fashionably late with confetti in your hair, and announce your news.

Two of my friends married in a beautiful villa in Portugal last summer (as they're not Portuguese the formaliities were a bit of faff) and arranged exclusive use of a large local (to them) pub for a night shortly after their return.

As part of the deal the pub catered a superb buffet and the couple organised live music and a dj, a photo booth, and a huge chocolate wedding cake.

Plain white fat church candles on the (pay) bar and inside tables created a romantic ambience, and the pub's garden looked magical festooned with white fairy lights - I subsequently discovered that this is the pub's customary evening 'look'.

The bride and groom mingled with their 200 or so guests (no seating plan) and an exceptionally good time was had by all. It was a truly memorable night; the atmosphere was wonderful and it was one of those rare occasions where no-one wants to go home - I'm hoping they'll do it again for their forthcoming 1st anniversary

ReindeerBollocks · 15/08/2011 14:51

DH & I ran off and got married. It was honestly still one of the best days of my life. Just us and four friends. We had a quiet little ceremony and dinner (with lots of champagne) afterwards. Told our families afterwards and all hell broke loose. Some family members still won't speak to us.

Be cautious - would they cut you off completely if you did this? Is it worth upsetting them or would a frank discussion suffice (consisting off 'stick your fucking beaks out of my wedding')

If you really don't think they will stop with their suggestions then yes get married in secret, and have a bloody good time whatever you do.

meditrina · 15/08/2011 14:58

I echo the "be cautious" line - you don't want to look back on your wedding day and have the thought "it was like that because everyone was a nightmare" (even though they are!)

Take a bit of time to let the heat go out of the situation. Think again when you're calm about how you can do the things that matter to you most in a way you'll look back on happily. Then do exactly that.

And good luck with whatever that may be.

FakePlasticTrees · 15/08/2011 15:00

If that's your dream wedding, do it. However, if the 'big do' is what you'd like if your family werent being draining, do that.

I have a friend who did the 'run away' wedding because she foresaw family stress with a biggish do (she was never talking gypsy bride wedding dresses and hundreds, more 50 or so guests at a hotel, with the standard meal in the afternoon, disco in the evening affair). At subsquent friends weddings she's admitted she feels bad she'll never have the dress and the day with everyone together.

If you would prefer the big-ish wedding but for family stress, you'd be surprised when it comes down to it, how many people's "won't come" turns into "ok then". For instance, would your dad really not show up to his daughter's wedding if you were getting married in a church or is it just grumbling? (and would you like a church wedding anyway???). What would your mum do if you said "no space" for her extra guests? Would your sister really not show up if it wasn't a date she wanted? (and if you're thinking about running away to get married, then I guess you're not all that fussed if she's there or not).

Do the day you want, don't discuss it with people who are going to be difficult. And run away weddings can be gorgeously romantic!

pixielicious · 15/08/2011 16:02

Two words for you miniwedge: DO. IT.

pootlebug · 15/08/2011 16:16

What do you and your partner really want to do? If you'd really like a 'big do' wedding I suspect you'll regret it if you don't do it just because of interfering busybodies.....just limit what info you give them in advance as much as you can.

If you are tempted by alternatives....we went to New York and got married at the Marriage Bureau. Dead easy to organise, just us and the kids, so we could totally please ourselves. We had a fabulous time. You could always have a party when you get back if you want a get-together too.

nocake · 15/08/2011 16:25

Why do families see a wedding as a time to cause hassle and stress? Unfortunately you're in a no win situation. If you give in to the demands you won't enjoy it and there will still be someone with something to complain about. If you invite them but do it your way there will be endless complaints for the rest of your life. If you just run off with a group of your closest friends you will have a fabulous day but your family will never let you hear the end of it.

The only solution is to not get married

Obviously that's not what we did. We organised the whole thing ourselves and invited the people we wanted but we're lucky enough to both have families made up of reasonable people so it was a great day.

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/08/2011 16:29

go for it, if you newport area i will volenteer to be a witness :)

nickelbabe · 15/08/2011 16:42

I had to laugh at your Dad's comment about the church!

my dad's exactly the same - he calmed down a bit when I told him I didn't want him to give me away, then.
and in the end, he didn't make any negative comments about the church on the day, and he really enjoyed himself (although it might have been because he knew about all the savings we made, what with being such long-term regulars at our church )

can't comment on the rest of the miserable sods though - I think i'd be tempted to elope with that to contend with!

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 15/08/2011 16:49

If that's what you want then do it.

If you want something more then arrange it then tell your family when everything has been sorted.

SomethingBlue · 15/08/2011 16:52

Do it . My mum is (very politely and quietly) upset because we're NOT getting married in a church.

FreudianSlipper · 15/08/2011 16:57

go for it

the day is about you two and what you want not keeping everyone else happy

sounds very romantic too :)

kellestar · 15/08/2011 17:04

Go for it! I had a small church wedding. My sis is planning her wedding, the whole family hate BiL to be. I've told her to get married on her hols next year and have a reception on her return. Then I wouldn't have the stress of liasing and calming everyone down. She seems completely unaware of everyone's distaste... But then that could be down to my hard work.

My friends got married in a registry office and had fish and chips after, passersby were witnesses, we thought they'd just taken their kids to the beach for the day! It was a lovely surprise and we were so happy for them. Part of me likes that idea quite a bit...

EldritchCleavage · 15/08/2011 17:04

Some people go a bit mad once weddings are announced. My normally sensible mother went all odd when my older sister announced she was getting married, insisting people we hadn't seen in years had to be invited, etc etc. My older BIL cut all my mother's fussing stone dead by telling her "It stops now, or we're eloping". He meant it, and she knew it. Problem solved.

startail · 15/08/2011 17:13

I spent a lovely weekend in a very nice hotel, last month. The bride looked beautiful as did her Mother. I think they are now speaking again, but they weren't.
They are two perfectly sensible people, but the W word has a bad effect on people.
If the family can't agree to a sensible sized and budget plan, then please go off and get married anyway.
Yes DH, me, the DDs and their GPs have had a nice weekend together and it was nice seeing family we haven't seen for ages, but marriage is a very special thing and it shouldn't begin with a row.

Gonzo33 · 15/08/2011 17:18

I reckon you should get married in Las Vegas, invite EVERYONE but tell them they have to pay for themselves

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