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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

315 replies

Rob92004 · 13/08/2011 20:49

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 08:12

Good parenting is bringing up your DC so that she is confident enough to go away with just one parent and can go off to bed happily.
More fathers should read this so that they don't allow themselves to be sidelined and turned into an extra DC who has to turn to 'senior' parent for instruction and permission!
Perhaps OP could come back and tell us what he is going to do? It is heartening that the majority think his DW is unreasonable.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 08:20

Entirely agree with exoticfruits and novice. Some mothers do seem to need their children more than their children need them. If your sense of self worth is totally bound up with your child, then its rather threatening to allow someone else to do lunchtime, or the bedtime routine- after all, as exotic says, it may all go beautifully- which then confirms that the child is perfectly adaptable and that it's mum with the problem!

I also agree that pandering to his wife isn't 'the answer. Does be insist on hourly phone calls and hand holding when he's at work, and his wife has sole charge of both their children? Doubt it!

Op - I hope you will report back to us about how this turns out . I'm sure by now you can see that you are not being unreasonable at all, and that you have every right to have a fun weekend with your daughter.

Sam100 · 15/08/2011 08:23

Sounds to me like the problem is more with your brother and his household/ family than you! She clearly has no problem allowing you out for day on your own.

If she has concerns then you should talk about those. Ask her. Is she concerned that your brother has different parenting style? Might it mean late bedtime at brother's house? If so consider what she thinks are the negative aspects but emphasise the positives - bond with cousins and extended family.

Maybe she is just not ready yet for dd to be away from her for the night?

clam · 15/08/2011 08:27

The OP said that his wife's big concerns were bedtime and that he might not look after her properly!

WTF? I'd be insulted by the latter for sure. Who's she to dictate what "properly" is?

saintlyjimjams · 15/08/2011 08:28

Not allowing the dd away from her father until she is ready is hardly good parenting though.

I have to agree with the others - if she's 'sensitive' then all the more reason to tackle it. In fact I've found that sensitive children often have no problems going away at all, and sometimes confident children can find it harder.

Likewise children who won't settle at home, often do when away. Go figure.

If the father takes his dd away and finds she is totally traumatised by the messy house and a later bedtime he can cut the visit short. It's far more likely that she'll have a lovely time and take her first safe little step towards independence (which lets face it is surely the whole point of parenting).

saintlyjimjams · 15/08/2011 08:30

she in the above post referring to the mother (so not allowing the dd away until the mother is ready is not good parenting).

toniguy · 15/08/2011 08:32

If I didn't want one of my children to be taken away overnight by their husband because I didn't feel I wanted the child away from 'me, I sincerely hope I would have the self awareness to have a stern talk with myself and realise that this wasn't about me but about the child.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 08:33

Oops - that should be MY husband!

Snorbs · 15/08/2011 09:01

"I have to agree with the others - if she's 'sensitive' then all the more reason to tackle it. In fact I've found that sensitive children often have no problems going away at all, and sometimes confident children can find it harder."

Indeed. Or even that "sensitive" children aren't actually any such thing but, rather, it's the parent(s) projecting their own fears and concerns onto the child.

saintlyjimjams · 15/08/2011 09:14

Heh heh I have to admit some so called sensitive children I have met have been anything but imo Grin

clam · 15/08/2011 09:16

Exactly snorbs. Hence my original inverted commas.

However, if the OP's wife is still reading any of this, there's a danger we may have scared her off. I for one have been a little blunt.

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 09:22

If OPs wife is reading she ought to give herself a 'stern talk.' It is good to have a bit of blunt speaking.
Generally 'sensitive' DCs means sensitive to mother's body language-if they are happily waved off as a positive experience they are fine.

LeninGrad · 15/08/2011 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 09:50

WhatMeWorry

Playing devil's advocate for a moment - my DH was happy to let our daughter have MMR and I wasn't - does that mean he should have ridden roughshod over my feelings and concerns? I think not

Sounds like he should have actually.... Take heart from that OP

So if two parents in a relationship have different ideas, one should be completely free to do as they like without any consideration or respect for the other's feelings? Hmm

(Although I probably should have mentioned that my daughter has been vaccinated - albeit separately, was not advocating leaving MMR in any form to chance).

I realise it's not comparable to the OP's situation, am merely giving the example of two people with different ideas having to talk and come to a compromise not just say 'this is what I think should happen so tough shit', which seems to be the opinion of several posters on this thread.

FWIW I think the OP sounds like a nice bloke who'd be quite capable of looking after his daughter for a weekend, but I don't actually know him or his wife or daughter, so to categorically say that he should take the daughter for the weekend whether his wife likes it or not is totally ridiculous.

Would also like to add that I am not a control freak mum myself - have left DD with DH regularly since going back to work when she was 18 weeks, including for long days out and weekends away. But that's the thing, he's always been hands on with DD since she was tiny, perhaps the OP hasn't, because of work commitments or whatever.

Also from a very personal point of view, I suffered from PND which really took hold at when DD was about 3 months. OP's wife could have all sorts of stuff going through her head that she maybe hasn't had the time, energy or confidence to talk to him about yet, and which may be affecting the way she feels about this.

BrandyAlexander · 15/08/2011 10:11

Dum, some of us have been blunt but actually we have all given very good reasons why we believe he should take his dd away. I would expect him/them to use what we have said as a basis for a further discussion rather than just him saying she's coming with me and that's that. I don't think any of us including clam and exotic (who have posted some very good stuff) have said that's what he should do.

IMO, the vaccination issue is just not comparable. One is a genuine health concern for the child that one of the parents might have (and I say this as a parent whose child had the MMR combo vaccine), and no, shouldn't ride roughshod over that, the other is one parent seemingly putting themselves ahead of what might be best for the child or their dd.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 10:15

novice - I don't disagree with many of the comments about why he should take his daughter away, just the way that so many posters seem to feel the need to be so dogmatic about it!

clam · 15/08/2011 10:22

Also, we have to post based on the information given. Nothing has been said about the OP's wife having PND or there being any other particular reason why she "won't let" him take his daughter to stay with family.

BrandyAlexander · 15/08/2011 10:23

Ah okay! :)

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 10:23

Dum my point re MMR was that the OP should take some confidence as clearly the mother is not always right.

LeninGrad · 15/08/2011 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 10:26

I think a lot of us are just truly shocked that a parent can be sidelined like this. Actually posting on MN to ask whether he's being unreasonable in thinking he can look after his 2 and half year old for two days and one night. It's just not comparable with an issue like MMR, where debate and discussion are needed if the parents don't agree. This is absolute basics- the right of a child to be looked after by her dad for a weekend!

Ormirian · 15/08/2011 10:27

Of course you should be able to. Even if you can't 'look after her properly' whatever that means Hmm. As long as she comes back in one piece and happy it won't matter a damn if things are a bit different to normal.

Kayano · 15/08/2011 10:27

Tell your wife to get over herself?

That is so unfair of her

Hardgoing · 15/08/2011 10:32

Of course you should take your daughter away, what a lovely thing to do. I think the best thing about having two parents involved is precisely that they don't do the same things, perhaps mum always has the same bedtime, but at Auntie X's house, it's a bit later and children learn that this is fine, copable with and the parents learn whether having a later bedtime works or not. It is not about doing everything the same, it's about doing things slightly differently and children learning they do not have to be in a rigid routine or only be cared for by one person to feel safe and secure in the world.

However, I know myself I have been a nervous mummy when mine have first gone away, so perhaps her reservations are exactly that, not a prohibition. She may just be saying out loud her worries, and some reassurance and promises of a phone-call and a sensible bed-time will make her feel better. But I would absolutely go.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 15/08/2011 10:32

On the face of it, YANBU.

However, this sounds awfully like the other side of some of those AIBUs we get from women:

"AIBU because I don't want to allow my children to go to the in-laws with DH?
He doesn't see what the issue is but the in-laws will: pierce my baby's ears/feed whisky to my 1 year old/make DD sleep in the dog bed/only let them eat Cheese Strings dipped in marmalade/do Morris dancing until 3am/refuse to smoke outside."