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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

315 replies

Rob92004 · 13/08/2011 20:49

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 15/08/2011 10:44

Just do it. It will be be fine.

DD will have a whale of a time and will come home with a stronger relationship with her dad.

DH will have a few hair-raising moments and will come home with more confidence in his own parenting skills.

DW will be pushed to the edge of her comfort levels but will end up with more trust and respect for her DH.

Win,win,win.

FWIW - spend a day with DC2 in the near future too. If your DW is expressing, you could take a bottle with you. If not, stay close to home but out of DWs way. She will be able to spend a couple of hours giving her full attention to DC1. It is very easy for families with a new baby to slip into a dynamic where mum looks after new baby and dad looks after the older child - it's really beneficial for everyone to shake things up a little, best of all is spending some time caring for both children as a couple.

CaptainNancy · 15/08/2011 10:52

I think the child's disposition is actually more important than either of the parents' wishes.

My 2.5 yo would struggle to spend a night away from me.
I was out all day Saturday, and he wouldn't eat a bite all day until I returned at 6pm. He spends a lot of time with DH, is happy being cared for by DH, playing with DH, snuggling with DH, etc, but food is his 'issue' and frequently on the days DH picks him up from nursery he won't eat until I get home from work.

It's just the way he is- neither of us have done anything to make him this way (and it isn't a bf issue, as he self-weaned long before DD did).

The OP has been rather reticent to say if there are any such issues his DD has other than to say the DW thinks the DD is too sensitive.

Maybe leave it a few more months?

LeninGrad · 15/08/2011 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 11:06

I find it astonishing that the op is seen as 'reticent' to describe any other issues! If this were a woman posting, no one would assume there was some subtext- they'd just accept what was said!

The op hasn't mentioned other issues because clearly there aren't any. A lot of people also seem to be overlooking the fact that the wife has been offered the chance to come too but has turned it down. She is clearly extremely controlling. Fair enough if she wants to turn down the invite; absolutely unfair to try to control what her husband does.

As for sensitive children- yes, I'm sure there are some, but not half as many as there are controlling mums!

I'm sure if the dd is terribly unhappy, the op will be keen to make an early getaway. But what's 99% more likely to happen is that the only tears will be when it's time to come home. Maybe thats what the mother is worried about- that her dd needs her less than she needs the dd!

saintlyjimjams · 15/08/2011 11:53

Of course there are sensitive children (although I'm not convinced that every child I'm told is sensitive is- the last time I heard that said child was shouting 'I'm going to beat you up' to ds2 minutes later Grin. But if a child IS sensitive then all the more reason to do things like this - extend boundaries in a secure loving environment.

I have a child who is described as (over) sensitive by teachers etc. He's never had any problems staying overnight anywhere.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 12:03

I wish the op would update us! If his wife is still trying to block the weekend away for the dh and dd, I think he should embark on my earlier suggestion. Start asking for a schedule of her planned activities for when he's at work and she's in sole charge of their children. Veto a few things. Tell her you don't want dd taken to the park (risk of dogs mess), friends houses are out (might be too messy, other children might not meet with your approval). And of course car journeys are totally banned (risk of accident). Oh and of course you will expect a phone call on the hour every hour to keep you informed of how the day is going....

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 15/08/2011 12:06

Leave her Wink

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 12:08

Surely the child equally has a right to two parents who are both happy and able to communicate and compromise, which is not going going to happen if one parents says "This is what I want to do and it is my right to do it as a parent regardless of your opinion"? Hmm

Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 12:13

Toni et al I just wanted to put forward the notion that there could be another side to this, perhaps Dad (this is generic not specific to the OP) has not been hands on, hasn't been able to cope, doesn't get invovled through choice then wants to take the child away.

By the time I left my ex when my son was two, he had not fed him, changed him, bathed him, changed a nappy, NADDA! All attempts by me to help him to bond failed.

The only time he played with him or gave him any attention at all was when his family visited then he did a great act of doting dad. Not all mothers who refuse overnights are neurotics or mothers who can't let their child develop normally.

Sadly, (again I am not referring to the OP but generically) some fathers, just as some mothers are total feckwits when it comes to being a parent. In those circumstances the "real" parent the one who does the responsibility should call the shots. I would have told my ex to boil his head before he could have taken our son anywhere overnight when he couldn't even change a nappy. His doing no one elses.

LeninGrad · 15/08/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 15/08/2011 12:17

Oh yes mitmoo asbolutely , but given this dad is clearly hands on (gets her dressed in the morning, takes her swimming, to his dad's etc) then that's not really the case here. Ok so he hasn't done an overnight before but it doesn't sound as if it's a huge leap in the dark, more an extension of what he's already been doing.

CaptainNancy · 15/08/2011 12:20

toniguy- turning down the offer of staying in your BIL's untidy, unclean home when one has a 3mo baby does not make one 'extremely controlling', particularly when that home is a ninety minute drive away.

There isn't really enough evidence from the OP to make any judgements on his DW's behaviour or demeanour.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 12:23

Yes I'm sure too Lenin!

Mitmoo- the thing which sits uncomfortably with most of us is this PROJECTION of all sorts of other issues onto a totally straightforward op. Eg 'my ex was useless and never did anything , therefore lets assume all men are crap'. The op is clearly a hands on caring dad who is totally confident in his ability to care for his dd. It's insulting to assume there must be some dubious subtext.

Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 12:25

saintly I wish the mum would post giving her side then we could all be the MN's equivalent of Judge Judies. [smiles]

toniguy · 15/08/2011 12:27

Captain Nancy - I didn't say her turning down the offer was extremely controlling . On the contrary, I said that's her right. It's 'the attempt to then try to dictate whether her husband goes with the older child which smacks of excessive control

Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 12:30

toni There's no assumptions about all men, just a recognition that some men are just the same as some women are useless parents. I dont think that any post on here that goes above the count of 20 posts is straightforward. When there is a consensus you just get a list of YABU or YANBU, posters think "nothing to see here" so move on.

You have made the assumption that the mother must be a total control freak as is your right, she might not be though, it is equally valid for others to explore, ponder or wonder whether the mother has a reason not to trust him. The truth is we just don't know who is right or wrong or if there is partial fault on both sides because we only have the OPs side of the story to go by.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 12:30

The op is clearly a hands on caring dad who is totally confident in his ability to care for his dd.

Yes it does appear that way, but if his wife has strong feelings about this issue they need getting to the bottom of and addressing between the two of them not just riding over in the name of the OP's 'rights'.

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 15/08/2011 13:09

OP, I suspect you are BsomewhatU to expect reasoned thought from the mother of a 3mo baby (especially if LO is not sleeping).

What is this more about? You going away, or her being left behind?

FWIW when my DC2 was ~12 weeks DH took DC1 away for a weekend - it was his special treat (due to DC2 and house move we hadn't had a holiday at all) and he still remembers is nearly 5 years later. I was fine with it.

CaptainNancy · 15/08/2011 13:13

Exactly TSC! tbh I was also desperate to have some 1-1 time with my older child, though thankfully my DH realised that.

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rob92004 · 15/08/2011 13:32

A few more updates
-I usually get up in the night for DD 2.5, as DW is BF DD 3 months
-I like to think I am a hands on father: including bathing, feeding, potty time, reading, playing, cycling, swimming, visiting friends, etc.
-I regularly make breakfast for DD2.5 in the week and at weekends
-I work full time so DW does not work and is a full time mother
-DD2.5 regulary stays with DW at DW's parents, so is used to being away from home. When with them Granny will look after DD while DW goes shopping, so she is used to some other carers.
-We have all (including DW and DD, but before the baby arrived) stayed at my brother's before (for example in the snow at Christmas) and all survived!
-DW was quite happy for DD to run round the garden with DW's second cousin's children over the weekend

DW will probably start nursery in September, so I feel a bit of exposure to other adults and children in advance will probably be good for her.

I'll keep you all posted on how it turns out.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 15/08/2011 13:38

It is a case of the overcooked PFB. "Oh dear me, DC won't eat a carrot until it is carved into a trefoil by mummy's hand alone". Jesus Christ.

diddl · 15/08/2011 13:40

But isn´t OP only thinking of going alone with daughter due to his wife not wanting to go?

CaptainNancy · 15/08/2011 13:42

"DW does not work and is a full time mother"