AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

[Rob92004]

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

I think if you are telling the truth then you need to get informed PDQ about depression, OCD and mental health issues. If she is as depressed as you say, then it is completey shetty to start a thread, give only a part of the story, then to suggest she reads it. That's nasty.

If your wife has OCD that can be a severe and debilatating condition start to support her instead of starting threads so you can get your way, the more you raise her anxiety the worse the OCD will be. Is that good for your kids? Is it worth it? She is the SAHM those children need her to be as well as she can be. You should not be doing anything to make her feel worse.

If you suspect PND, then rather than starting threads with half a story on it, her mental health is a major part of this, you should be encouraging her to get to see her GP. If it is the OCD recurring then she needs to get back to her psychiatrist.

You should support your wife through what can be a debilitating condition. OCD can also get worse during pregnancy or early childbirth as it is a period of unknowns and new challenges.

If you want to put your children first, then put your wife first, as if she gets totally debilitated with OCD, it's happened to my son so I do have experience of this, then keep pulling against her instead of supporting her. You also suspect PND could even be both, who knows.

I suggest that you also seek out some information on OCD and cognitive behavioural therapy, you will see that what you are doing could well make the condition worse. That is not good for your children. Reassess your position in the light of your wifes mental health problems.

It turns out this is nothing to do with a controlling woman who can't let her position of mother be usurped by a father, but according to the father a woman who has some very real mental anguish she should be supported through.

Could you go just for the day with your daughter?

Or just one night?

All go but stay nearby & spend as little time as possible at your brothers house?

boney no haven't been to relationships but my reply would be the same either gender. I would tell any woman who was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man NOT to have more babies with him.

OP ocdtodayuk.org/everyday_life.html

This site is very good there are many others too though.

diddle to me from the information he has now given it is far more complex than he first led us to believe. People with OCD know that their mind is playing some rather nasty tricks on them but they can't control it.

I used to think it was all about handwashing until my son got debilitated by the condition. They may think that if they don't carry out a certain ritual a loved one or themselves may die, so they get stuck. It's tormenting, torturous when severe. They may think that if they are exposed to something, dirt, a particular food, anything really again them or a loved one might die or get very sick, so they have to carry out a certain ritual (the compulsive behaviour) but the relief doesn't last the thought comes back and they have to do the ritual, washing, door locking, counting as examples.

They are aware it is irrational so hide it from those outside the family often and may internalise the ritual (counting in your mind for example).

If the OP DW also has PND, that can make the OCD worse as it's an anxiety disorder.

If the OP's DW was laid up in bed with a broken leg we'd all be saying, don't be such a selfish git, help your wife she has a newborn, but his wife is just as ill it's just that we can't see it and most who haven't been touched by OCD don't really understand just how bad it could possibly be.

I didnt have a clue until I had to learn so that's not a criticism just an observation

Mitmoo - Good Lord, how many TLAs do you have to invent before it's the DH fault again? Isn't there just the teeniest chance this woman is BU.

And before whinging at the poor guy contemplating divorce, reverse the sexes in the thread and imagine the advice - Leave the Controlling Bastard by page 2 I reckon.

whatmeworry rolls eyes at abuse that passes for debate on here by some. invent????? TLAs??? Don't bother I dont care.

The point is, as you've clearly not been able to grasp it, is that his wife is ill.
OCD and PND are both very real conditions, look it up for yourself, I've even provided a link to one site.

If his wife, as the OP says, is suffering from mental health issues, the answer is not to go away for a weekend but to support her until she is well again. I assume she probably came off the antidepressants while pregnant, perhaps she needs to go back on them. If the OP is telling the truth, and I have no reason to assume he is lying, then his answer lies in ensuring his wife gets help with the anxiety, PND, OCD because according to the OP that is the problem. Once they are sorted, so will her anxieties related to her daughter being away from her.

It's not a gender issue, as much as you'd like to make it one.

It started as a simple thread with a hands on Dad who wanted to take his DD away for 2 nights-we now have extreme mental health issues and the strong possibility of divorce!
If you don't have problems when you first post on MN you surely have them by the end!

Why don't you stay at home and support your wife who has a three month baby to look after?

You're a family. Why do you feel the need for you and your toddler to be off somewhere else?

What a creepy thing to do to come on here and start speculating about your wife's mental health. Once again she has a three month old baby to take care of, and normally, I assume your two and a half year old too. Start acting like part of the family, not as someone who can go swanning off when you feel like it. Your wife needs your support just now, not for you to be going off to other places.

Do you know what's amazing? You didn't even mention your new baby in your first post. How did that little detail slip your mind?

This thread reads as very manipulative. I'm surprised (well probably not) that most people aren't seeing through your behaviour.

Whether the wife has severe OCD or PND or not, life does not - and indeed should not- be put totally on hold until she recovers. This is Likely to be a lengthy process. The dh needs to take care of his needs and his dds needs too. The dh has already suffered verbal and emotional abuse from his wife, and if her condition is that severe, it will no doubt have had a big effect on the dd too. I believe there is strong evidence now that having a parent with extreme mental health issues, particularly when that parent is the primary carer for the child at a formative age, hugely increases the chance of problems for the child in later life. So it's essential that the needs of the child are central to this.

Obviously the illness is another aspect to this case, and the wife needs to seek help for it,her dh can support her in doing so (and I would imagine is encouraging her to) but its very difficult as an adult needs to come to the decision themself to seek and consent to treatment. I think with the history of what's happened the husband and dd probably NEED a break. I also think it may turn out well for the wife when she sees they can cope fine, and that she also gets a break from the normal routine.

Most people with a 3 month old baby would be thrilled if their DH took the older DC away and gave them a break!!
This thread is getting very strange.

DD definitely need a break to a chaotic household with other DCs and some fun!

CaptainNancy Well said!

Isn't it just manipulative. I didn't make sense in the beginning that he gets up most nights to his 2.5 year old while his wife breast feeds, that was the first warning bell for me. He can take her swimming, cycling, and all the rest of it, so wife isn't clingy but was denying an overnighter in what she considers to be a dirty house.

Drip a bit more, there's a baby.

Drip a bit more, she's abusive.

Drip a bit more, she's has PND and OCD.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm someone is playing games me thinks. If you have someone so badly affected by OCD that they have needed psychiatric care that would be very high up the list, not 11 pages in. The new baby would have been in the first post too. Well spotted, I missed that.

She's not thrilled though. She doesn't want them to go. She's the one doing the heavy lifting in the family. She's just given birth, she's looking after two very young children and breastfeeding. A bit of real support from her husband wouldn't go amiss. Real support isn't "I'll do something I've decided to do and you just have to like it", real support is finding what the other person needs and doing your best to help them.

Instead he's making demands on her, and then calling her mentally ill when she doesn't agree to what he wants. He's also trying to manipulate a whole lot of people on the internet into backing him up against her and slagging her off, something quite horrifying when it's a woman with a new baby under attack. It's a vulnerable time. So who is the one behaving abusively?

A person not getting what they want isn't necessarily being abused, and the person not agreeing with them isn't necessarily mentally ill.

Also quite a lot of toddlers with a new baby around are clingy and need a lot of reassurance from their mothers. Not being taken away from their mothers because that's what daddy wants.

If she has PND and OCD the best thing to do is give DD a weekend break-put her first for once.

If we're talking about what causes what BTW - PND is supposedly pretty common in women who have unsupportive and even abusive husbands.

If the mother really has all the TLAs in Christendom and a 3 month old ( in bold caps) and the DH is a scheming manipulative bastard then I think the DD probably deserves a month away, not a weekend!

toni put too much pressure on a person with OCD and you'll break them.
If this is true and I'm not sure with the drip drip effect going on, the answer to him being able to take his DD away is to support his wife in returning to the mental health professionals and not go all out to make her feel worse by getting her to read pages and pages of how she is BU. That's just going to cripple a person with OCD and PND or anyone else.

Particularly nasty when the OP hasn't given the whole story when he tried to get her to read this thread.

To make the mother feel worse is bad for the kids. I'm not sure any more how much of this I should believe now. I'll answer as if it true as others with OCD/PND could be affected. Either way a night away isn't worth the risk to the mother's health.

She suffered (past-tense) from OCD and there's no evidence that she has PND apart from the OP's speculation. He's speculating she's got it because she has a different opinion to him about something he wants to do.

It needed bold caps whatmeworry because he'd forgotten he and his wife were the parents of a three month old baby in his first post. Also it's a time when women need support, not haranguing. If she doesn't want her toddler to go away, what's the problem? I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities when she's older. The OP will make sure of that.

OK I'm crap at conspiracy theories but I suspect this thread has been started by a feminist to show how easily manipulated some posters are.

Then they've dripped out the story so everyone has gone from YABU to thinking the husband is a complete and utter barsteward.

Could be wrong and I'll never know.

Captain even if we believed him and she did have OCD, does have PND, then as you rightly say he should be supporting her.

One thing I've always noticed on relationships threads is the insistence that there should be equality in the relationship. He wants free time to do X? Sure, just make sure She also gets free time to do Y. Splitting weekend lie-ins, sharing household chores so all get equal downtime etc. All good.

So then this:
-DD2.5 regulary stays with DW at DW's parents, so is used to being away from home. When with them Granny will look after DD while DW goes shopping, so she is used to some other carers.

seems less equal. It's ok if DW takes the child away for the weekend but not the DH?

Having seen the divorce word mentioned - would she then object to you having your daughter at weekends? Because (I presume, someone correct me if I'm wrong) you would be perfectly at liberty to take your daughter to your brother's on one of "your" weekends. Not that I think for one moment you should threaten her with that as an alternative! (before someone shouts at me) Obviously there is more going on here - I still don't think you're being unreasonable to want to take your daughter away for the weekend though.

There is no evidence that he ISN'T supporting her. Support takes a variety of forms- not simply giving into the ill persons demands , however unreasonable. The dd is also central to this. The well being of BOTH parents is important to the Childs well being. Its far too simplistic to say it's all dependant on the mother being cured and happy. If the father and child need a break, particularly if spent with other relatives who are emotionally in a good place (albeit slightly messy house!) then it will no doubt do a power of good for the dd.

toni I don't think a night away is going to change the child's life. To support someone, you don't start a thread designed to ensure your DW will get slated, then ask her to read it, whilst you believe she is suffering from PND.

That's evidence the OP is not thinking of his family, his wife but just playing some very silly games. If he's telling the truth that is a very shitty thing to do.

I don't think its going to change the Childs life either- just be a fun weekend for them both. Yes, I agree suggesting she read the thread wasn't a supportive thing to do. Maybe the op is also suffering from some sort of depression or is ground down by the abuse and his capacity to support has been severely diminished- I have no idea. All I do know is people with mental health issues behave in a way which is deeply debilitating to those closest to them. Not saying it's their fault- but that is the consequence. If she is going to be spending a weekend sleeping and feeding a 3 month old baby, taking the older child away for a fun packed weekend is probably the best thing he can do to support her. The other things he could do is prepare some meals for her before he goes, or she could order some takeout deliveries. A weekend with nothing to do but care for a 3 month old baby is really not a bad deal you know! She is bf so she'd be up in the night whether he's there or not. I don't agree that him staying home is necessarily the answer- particularly as she is abusive to him. If he backs down and leaves the dd and goes himself, then they'll be cries of 'selfish bastard leaving her with two kids'. I think this is a bit of no win for the guy. He has a right to look after his own well being too. This depression could go on for years- sounds like he's already suffered indirectly a lot- it is actually in the interests of trying to improve the marriage that he looks after himself too