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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

315 replies

Rob92004 · 13/08/2011 20:49

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
Alphababe · 15/08/2011 19:29

note to self I must learn to read page 2 instead of responding to page 1. LOL!

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 19:30

Women should stop treating men who are perfectly capable as something that is out of the ordinary-it should be normal and not need a comment! It is women who do it,I have yet to hear a man saying 'you are clever to change a nappy'! Women seem to keep DH as an extra child and then complain because he acts like one!

maryellenwalton · 15/08/2011 19:47

This just seems really creepy and odd to me. If this was a divorce thread I would understand the op but in a loving partnership, the last thing I would expect someone to do is to set up their dp like this, pointscoring over their child and then delighting in showing them the mean spirited thread you'd started, with all the replies which, while seemingly vindicating their position, will no doubt greatly upset and antagonise the person you are supposed to love most in the world. What victory is there in that? How could you take pleasure in that?

My DH is absolutely an equal parent. And when I say that I mean he does the fun stuff as well as the drudgery, (and yes, all I ever hear is how lucky I am, which is bizarre!) but if he posted like this when we were in disagreement it would be incredibly hurtful and counterproductive. What strangers who know nothing about the nuances of our lives have to say should be of no consequence whatsoever. And if he was then throwing his victory in the court of MN in my face, well he wouldn't be the husband or father I believed him to be. It's childish in the extreme and very insulting to the op's wife

toniguy · 15/08/2011 19:58

He probably feels insulted by his wife and is trying to get a general picture of whether he is right to feel insulted. And the overwhelming consensus is too damn right he should

Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 20:21

It might also be that the wife doesn't trust him with the child alone, doesn't want to spend a holiday with him, and is indeed considering divorce. When I was where the OPs DW is now and couldn't trust my ex with the child I was planning to leave him for the same reason.

My ex played the victim card while being a feckless father.

It happens, not saying it is happening here but it does happen. The OP would be well advised to open some dialogue with his DW to get to the route of her concerns.

Because for me if I don't trust the biological as an equal parent or even a safe parent, then I couldn't stay married to him.

Original poster
Rob92004 · 15/08/2011 21:02

-DW is refusing to read this thread-so no real feedback from her.
-DW still does not want me to take DW 2.5 away-she believe that I will force -DW to do things she does want to (like bath with her older cousins).

I think maryellenwalton and toniguy postings work well together.

DW was on antidepressents for mild depression before the conception of DW 2.5. This was a difficult time-it's pretty tough trying to support a DW who is quite verbally/emotionally abusive. I do not know if depression can ever be cured, or whether DW is suffering from some kind of PND?

So to toniguys point...I have been pretty overwhelmed by DW telling me what is right and wrong, so have started to question my own judgement-hence the post.

And yes, maryellenwalton, I do wonder it if is the start of a divorce thread...

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 15/08/2011 21:09

Why does she think you will force her to bath with her older cousins?

To bathe a 2.5 year old with older cousins would be extremely weird..... Confused

Would you do that? Why does she think you would?

How old are the cousins?

You are married to a woman who is emotionally and verbally abusive yet have one child with her then another? Why? She had been depressed for around three years according to you.....

Something is not right here, it sniffs now...........

CheerfulYank · 15/08/2011 21:17

How strange. Confused Just say you are taking her and will be fine, and if it doesn't work out you'll come home. (Of course it will work out, but it might make things easier on you to say you'll come home if it does.)

My DH handles all bed and bathtimes and takes DS places by himself all the time. I'd go mad if he didn't!

clam · 15/08/2011 21:30

Hmm. Refusing to read the thread. Because she suspects she might be being unreasonable?
Unless she's read it when you weren't looking, yet doesn't want to acknowledge to you the overwhelming support for your view.

Original poster
Rob92004 · 15/08/2011 21:33

opps, I need to clear up a few things...
-Cousins are 4 (girl), 6 (boy) & 8 (girl) and I would see nothing wrong with them being put in the bath together-supervised of course.
-DW hasn't been abusive continually. After birth of DW 2.5 the depression (and OCD which she also suffered from, including treatment from a psychiatrist and psychologist) seemed much better, however recently the "control" aspect of DW behaviour seems to have reappeared. Hence my wondering about PND?

OP posts:
clam · 15/08/2011 21:36

Well the OCD might explain her issue over the lack of hoovering, I suppose.

piprabbit · 15/08/2011 21:43

I'm sure your DD will suffer no ill-effects from sharing bath time with her cousins - although there is no way you'll fit them all in the bath together without fights breaking out.
However, I think the older cousins would feel uncomfortable having a stranger (DD or yourself in supervisory capacity) overlooking their bath time.

Can you not reassure your DW about the issues she has problems with e.g. agreeing not to do a shared bathtime? Somebody up thread recommended coming up with a detailed plan with your DW covering all her areas of concerns, which could be the basis for a compromise.

Personally I think there is a big difference between pushing a mum to go beyond her comfort zone when she is fine if a little controlling and PFB, and pushing a woman with what are starting to sound like quiet a serious set of mental health issues. Would it be possible to defer the visit to a future date, assuming that you and your DW gets some help to get through all this.

Chynah · 15/08/2011 21:44

"To bathe a 2.5 year old with older cousins would be extremely weird....."

Depends on the age surely ???? my 15mo DD bathed with her older 2yo cousin and him likewise with his 8 month older cousin -nothing weird they loved it!

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 21:44

PND could explain the strange anxiety of letting one child have a couple of nights away with Dad. Could you compromise down to one night?
The fact that she knows there is a thread but won't read it makes you think that, logically she knows it is unreasonable. Probably she is secretly reading it-it wouldn't be hard to find.

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 21:45

We used to bung all the cousins in the bath together-they loved it.

skinnymuffin · 15/08/2011 22:00

Haven't posted since the early days of this thread but have been lurking.

I did say it seemed reasonable for you to take dd away op but reading your last couple of posts it sounds as though there is a lit more going on than just a spat about a weekend away.

If you think your dw has pnd then maybe that deserves top priority at the moment?

And if she is being unreasonable then trying to show her a mumsnet aibu thread you started about her to change her mind isn't likely to help your cause much.

Hope you get things sorted soon :)

Maryz · 15/08/2011 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saladsandwich · 15/08/2011 23:08

so you know your wife as a history of depression and probable pnd and OCD - sounds like your DW is suffering, i think showing her this thread was a bad thing to do, will have made her feel totally shit about herself

yanbu to want to take your dd for the weekend but there is obviously alot going on here and i think you need to look at whether this trip away is worth it as it seems to me it will cause alot of pain for your dw, pain she doesn't need right now for the sake of 2 days, i really don't think this is about your parenting capabilities, ask your wife truly why she doesn't want you to go with dd.

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2011 23:49

Ah, so there is plenty more to this than you first posted. hings are that bad that you might divorce! blimey. So there are big tensions? heck.

TheSecondComing · 16/08/2011 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dorje · 16/08/2011 00:22

OP You have been married to your wife for 7 years, so can we presume that she knows you better than a load of randoms on a parenting website. Yes?

your wife says her DD ""is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly "

So there you are your WIFE has said no

Why you are posting here asking us is beyond me.

We don't know who you are, she does, and she says "no".

QED.

LDNmummy · 16/08/2011 00:26

I am worried about DH taking our newborn DD to work to 'show her off' when she finally gets here, but beyond that I wouldn't have a problem. Even on that one I am coming to terms with it because he is her father and deep down I know he wouldn't be neglectful.

At almost 7 I think it is very U for your DW to be so OTT about this. She is your DD too and surely this kind of over protectiveness is stifling.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2011 00:33

maryellenwalton

"This just seems really creepy and odd to me. If this was a divorce thread I would understand the op but in a loving partnership, the last thing I would expect someone to do is to set up their dp like this, pointscoring over their child and then delighting in showing them the mean spirited thread you'd started, with all the replies which, while seemingly vindicating their position, will no doubt greatly upset and antagonise the person you are supposed to love most in the world. What victory is there in that? How could you take pleasure in that?"

Mitmoo

"You are married to a woman who is emotionally and verbally abusive yet have one child with her then another? Why? She had been depressed for around three years according to you.....
Something is not right here, it sniffs now..........."

have either of you never read the relationship section?

to use a favourite quote of various posters "reverse the gender"

LDNmummy · 16/08/2011 00:38

Sorry I dont know why I thought your daughter was almost 7 Confused

Even at two and a half it would be good for her to have some daddy and daughter bonding and I think your wife is BU.

BTW I personally know what you mean about the control aspect of the problems your wife has to deal with. I suffer from anxiety, a slight OCD complex and can get depressed. Unfortunately though it seems your wife's is very severe.

I hope you resolve this issue.