Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people should call before popping round?

145 replies

robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 13:41

Am I really alone in thinking this? My DW's family have a habit of just popping over at any time, more often than not without calling first. My DW says this i because they live locally. I don't have many days off work and use them to play on my PS3 etc. When they come over, I'm expected to stop everything and talk to them at the risk of being antisocial otherwise. I believe that it is more antisocial to just show up. Today, my family have done the exact same and I have complained to them about it as I was just settling down to watch the football. They have accused me of being miserable. Is it really that unreasonable? When our DS was born, we didn't have 5 mins to ourselves due to people just popping over. It takes 20 secs to let us know that somebody is on their way. AIBU? Really?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 13/08/2011 13:45

I don't mind family popping over without warning but that's because my family and my inlaws are very relaxed. If we were busy doing something, they wouldn't expect us to stop...they'd make themselves and us a cup of tea and play with the kids or something.

mummakaz · 13/08/2011 13:47

Yes they should call just so I can tidy up Grin

I don't mind people popping round as long as the house is tidy lol. I think this thread will be split, some may not mind some will. It's down to personal preferance :)

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 13/08/2011 13:50

YABU

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 13:51

it depends how often it is.

if your days off from work are tuesdays and wednesdays, and they're doing it every week, when do you get the bulk of the housework / food shopping /homework /appointments done? in our case, we do that on the first day off, and then the 2nd day is "family day" (swimming or something, maybe just time home or going to the park, sometimes visiting friends or GPs). So I can see that every week it's hard to fit in chores , plus family time, plus you time.

Context is everything here - whilst we both work fulltime, time is very precious to us - but when I was PT, i often visited GPs every 2 or 3 days - so more details needed!

Original poster
robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 13:52

Care to explain why I'm being unreasonable dolldaggabuzzbuzz?

OP posts:
SlackSally · 13/08/2011 13:54

God no, YANBU, I totally agree.

I hate people just turning up and find it incredibly rude. It gives you no chance to get out of it with an excuse if you don't feel like it/are busy.

They force their company on you when you may not want it. Height of rudeness.

But then I feel the same about phonecalls (i.e. I don't always answer them).

Anifrangapani · 13/08/2011 13:55

I love it when people pop in - it shows that they like my company and were thinking of me.

Rhinestone · 13/08/2011 13:56

Well I think YANBU on the randomly popping round, it would annoy me too.

But on the other hand, you do sound...how can I put this...extremely boring! You said you use your days off to play on your PS3. How dull is that. I suspect your DW might be very bored and might want her family to pop round to keep her company / help her with the DC.

Maybe put the little games away and actually start living life.

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 13:56

I've never really had anyone pop in without letting me know they are on their way round, i prefer it that way.
gives you chance to have a bit of a tidy up and make yourself presentable.

Catsu · 13/08/2011 13:58

Maybe your partner likes her family popping round often on your days off if you like to spend the majority of the time on the ps3 or watching football. Must be nice for her to have some company and a hand with your ds I'd imagine!
If you spent your days off doing family stuff and going out then they'd like drop in less often or call first

aliceliddell · 13/08/2011 13:58

No! YANBU. It is bloody rude and intrusive. I've had people drop round when I'm having sex; in the bath; half way through a TV film; cooking dinner, etc, etc. Drives me bloody deranged.

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 14:00

p.s. even if you only work 2 days a week it's still polite (the norm!) to ring first, surely?

often i find the people who don't respect other people's time / being polite like this are the people who don't really value their own time very much i.e. it's not a big deal to them.

MIL used to pop by all the time when I'd just gone back to work fulltime. it got so in the end i literally had to turf her out because she wasn't getting it.

example: i used to do half day wednesdays in the afternoons for 4 weeks (to ease back into work).. she'd "pop in" at 11:30am but I'd have to leave for work at 12:30pm. She just wasn't getting it that she was making it very stressful for me, so the third week I just had to stop her coming in and saying "you do realise I'm leaving for work in 50 minutes, don't you?"

Unfortuantely this "blunt" approach didn't endear her to me, but, she just wasn't getting it otherwise.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 14:01

YANBU I hate people just "popping in" Angry. When OH is home and the kids are away we sometimes make a big bed in the lounge and watch films etc for an entire weekend we hide if anyone unexpected rings the doorbell.

Its a total invasion and lack or regard for your privacy - I espeacially hate it if people do it at mealtimes.

I never ever just turn up on people's doorsteps (despite sounding like a grumpoy cow I do have friends honest Grin

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fiendishlie · 13/08/2011 14:03

Of course YANBU, it's bloody rude. Happened to me a few times over the years and the people have never done it again!
However, you spend your days off playing on your PS3?? you sound like a right catch, lol. If your DW came on here asking for advice about this, everyone would tell her to dump you

deliciousdevilwoman · 13/08/2011 14:08

You are definitely NBU! This is one of my no 1 bugbears. I just find it so rude and intrusive. I really feel that it can denote a lack of boundaries and consideration. In turn, I wouldn't dream of doing it to friends or family. MIL (who is absolutely lovely, so no axe to grind otherwise) had a habit of doing this. Not that often, but it rankled. Always at inopportune times-the aftermath of a row/sex/messy house! She lives 10 mins away. DH was less irked, but it did grate on him at times.

My position was always that she has a landline and a mobile phone....fecking use them! I didn't think it fitting for me to be the one to broach it with her, but DH did. I think she was "taken aback" but to her credit, she didn't get arsey and she does call or text beforehand now.

mumeeee · 13/08/2011 14:08

YABU and miserable, I only expect people to ring and let us know they are coming over if they live More than half an hours drive from us. EG we've told my nephew he is welcome to visit, But have asked him to let us know when he's coming as it is a 45 minute train journey for him and we don't want him turning up and finding we are out.

Notinmykitchen · 13/08/2011 14:11

YANBU, I absolutely hate people just popping in, they usually catch me when the house is at its messiest. I would never do it to anyone else, I'd be too worried I was interrupting something.

I have never heard anyone say they were offended by being called first so surely if everyone did that everyone wins. Visitors know that they are wanted, and those being visited are pleased to see their visitors and can enjoy their company!

cardibach · 13/08/2011 14:11

I really don't get the attitude lately that 'popping in' to see a friend/neighbour/family member is rude. How? I like being part of a community and feel that many of the problems we are seeing as a society - including, perhaps, rioting - are as a result of these sorts of insular attitudes. If you don't see your neighbours as a part of your life or build a community with them it is easier to stop seeing them as people and to behave inconsiderately towards them, whether that is antisocial noise or anything else, up to and including rioting.
It's very sad that some people are so unwilling to be part of a community.

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 14:12

I suspect the people here saying YABU:

  1. Don't work fulltime / have other commitments which mean their time is quite finely balanced.
  1. have never had anyone taking the piss with the boundaries here (e.g. arriving and being the sort who expects entertainment 50 minutes before you leave for an hour's commute to work, or just after (or during!) sex).

Am I wrong?

Are the "YABU" posters just incredibly lucky in (2) and, well, are either unfazed by the stresses on their time / just don't have any stresses on their time?

That was the case with my MIL - retired, housewife for 50 years, basically had no idea how stressful it was for me when she continued to do the "popping in" routine when we both went to working fulltime. She didn't get that time was so short I literally didn't have time for her visits any more. As much as I got on with her, she didn't understand at all.

deliciousdevilwoman · 13/08/2011 14:13

Cardibach-I don't see where wanting prior notice of a visit, should be construed as being dislocated from society? I am sociable and hospitable-I just don't want unnanounced visitors

cardibach · 13/08/2011 14:14

I work full time and am a single parent. How can you not have time to have an interaction with another human being? That's the most important thing you have to do, surely? But perhaps that's why my house is not spotless etc - I prioritise social interaction over the dull stuff.

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 14:14

cardibach it's not unwilling in all cases. I'd love the chance to pop over to a neighbour's house for a chat every 2 or 3 days, like I used to.

I'm not "unwilling"; I just have higher priorities that I'm commited to. Such as meeting my work hours, ensuring we have enough family time, regular care duties to my own parents... and then if there's time, there's time for helping out neighbours, time to myself (rarely!), and so on.

These optional natters around tea are a luxury these days. "Unwilling" is not being fair.

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 14:15

"to pop over unannounced to a neighbour's house for a chat"

missed the "unannounced" part. because i do interact, it just has to be scheduled in.

is that so hard to understand and respect? Hmm