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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people should call before popping round?

145 replies

robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 13:41

Am I really alone in thinking this? My DW's family have a habit of just popping over at any time, more often than not without calling first. My DW says this i because they live locally. I don't have many days off work and use them to play on my PS3 etc. When they come over, I'm expected to stop everything and talk to them at the risk of being antisocial otherwise. I believe that it is more antisocial to just show up. Today, my family have done the exact same and I have complained to them about it as I was just settling down to watch the football. They have accused me of being miserable. Is it really that unreasonable? When our DS was born, we didn't have 5 mins to ourselves due to people just popping over. It takes 20 secs to let us know that somebody is on their way. AIBU? Really?

OP posts:
takethisonehereforastart · 13/08/2011 15:03

I agree with Rhinestone (both posts actually) and Thumbwitch.

Although I don't want to mock your hobbies but it made me smile to see you give PS3 as a reason to feel annoyed. Then I thought it would (and has) annoyed me in the past when my PIL's "just popped in" for hours at a time when we were busy or just trying to relax.

My MIL is the worst for saying "Oh, are you busy/watching that/reading/doing whatever? No don't stop...you just carry on and I'll just sit here quietly...but did I tell you that...have you seen...can I just...blahblahblah" until you have to stop whatever it was she told you to carry on with and entertain her instead.

So no, YANBU to want a bit of warning if this is something that happens all the time (which it did for us with my PIL's) but if it's just on the odd occasion it's nice sometimes.

Beepazoid · 13/08/2011 15:18

So, cardibach, we're all going to hell in a handcart because some of us don't advocate the (in my opinion) quite rude 'pop in'.

And you reckon that because we're all too insular, we're not members of a community, which has contributed to the recent riots??

C'mon??

I personally don't like pop ins in general because (as SlackSally mentions), you're kinda trapped into saying yes...despite what's actually going on in your house at the time.

And the fact that the OP plays on his PS3 to relax/unwind is neither here nor there, is it?? You carry on mate...Smile

Original poster
robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 15:22

I intend to. Smile

OP posts:
Vinniesbisqwits · 13/08/2011 15:25

I detest people popping round without ringing,it always happens when im settling down to watch a movie with dd or when we are already knackered from a day out and want some peace,or its family popping round and they DO expect you to change plans and drop everything when were about to go out and they throw a strop if you tell them so, my sister in particular who lives nearby and im not close to her (long story) but now our mothers died she wants to be here 24/7 and thinks its ok to last min turn up in school hols when were about to take the kids out somewhere so ruins everything.
ive a new friend but who lives a few streets away and he rings or pops round even up till 10.30 at night on a weekday scared to say anything as dont want to offend as we have recruited him as chaiman of a club weve started hes so into it he seems obsessed and wont stop ringing aghghhhh i wish i hadnt started talking about it now im all anxious again

catgirl1976 · 13/08/2011 15:33

I am happy for anyone to pop round without calling whenever the house is sparkling clean and I have just finished all the housework, but also had a shower and put my face on. But they NEVER bloody do. They only do that when it is a bloody tip and I am not dressed yet, no make up and mental hair.

WHY? Why is that?

Vinniesbisqwits · 13/08/2011 15:34

sods bloody law i think , like when you go on he short queue and then that one goes slow and the one next to it speeds up

scaredwhatsnext · 13/08/2011 15:44

YANBU - My dh's family do this all the time - it drives me up the wall tbh .

Last year i asked them to phone first explaining that i am often in the middle of doing dd's treatment when they appear on my doorstep . So now they phone me when they get to the top of my road Hmm - Its a short cul-de-sac so i get maybe 15 seconds notice . Grrrrrrrrrr

mumeeee · 13/08/2011 15:50

I don't think it's rude to just pop in. But I do think it's rude if they insist you change your plans when they do, my friends and family would understand if we were just going out and not convenient. They would also just chat as I was getting on with stuff that needed doing. But I don't count playing on a play station or messing around on a computer as important and would stop doing stuff like that if people came round.

sprinkles77 · 13/08/2011 16:07

YANBU. I hate pop ins. If the pop ins are OK with being turned away cos its not a good time, fair enough. But usually they are not. My stupid MIL turned up unannounced the day I got home after CS. We had told everyone that they were welcome to visit, but to call first. DH had gone out with my mum to get clothes for our ridiculously tiny newborn. I struggled out of bed, struggled into a dressing gown and struggled down stairs as I thought it might have been the MW. I slammed the door in the stupid bitch's face. I would do it again.
OP, you know something, some people think computer games are just important. I am inclined to agree. However, if you have made it very clear that you would prefer some notice before visitors come, then it doesn't matter what you are doing, you could be just sitting on the sofa naked picking your nose with one hand and having a wank with the other, its your home, your rules. If your rules harm noone, they don't have to suit anyone else.

HansieMom · 13/08/2011 16:20

Dropping in without calling is just rude.

As for PS3, they are juvenile and immature. Surely you can find other things to doplay with baby, clean house, mow the grasssomething??

ehedydd · 13/08/2011 16:22

YANBU my oh's parents do it ALL the time more often than not when I'm on the phone, cooking, cleaning, seeing to baby or having just sat down...and they need entertaining I can't just leave them to it! I now lock the door and don't answer.....they have taken the hint, they haven't called since last Sunday thank goodness!

Avocets · 13/08/2011 16:29

When I was growing up my mother's house was always so catastrophically, chaotically untidy (from compulsive hoarding) that nobody was allowed past the front door and when the doorbell rang (increasingly rarely) my job was to rush around closing all of the adjoining doors, so that nobody could see in. Now as an adult, I try my best to keep an open house, but in practice, people rarely turn up unannounced, and as I am so busy, and not naturally sociable (surprise, surprise) days seem to go by without me seeing anyone outside family or work, which I find rather sad tbh. My personal bugbear though is with people who phone me in the evenings expecting to chat when I really just want to blob - "i''m watching Miranda" (or whatever) just sounds so lame and anti-social - but my big fear is ending up like my mum, old and with no calls or visits except from nurses and guilt ridden family members.

ledkr · 13/08/2011 16:33

Yanbu to dislike people just turning up but do you do anything els with your days off apart from ps3 and watch tv? Your dw is hardly likely to turn down the chance of a chat is she?

LolaRennt · 13/08/2011 16:34

YANBU, why shouldn't people call first? I just want someone to explain that to me, just the once. WHat possible harm could come from picking up a phone and asking first.

lisianthus · 13/08/2011 16:42

YANBU and i can't see what is wrong with having the PS3 as a hobby. I'd prefer it to something like triathlons which take up stacks of time and take you away from the family. At least you are there so if your DW needs you to help with something urgently, you will be there.

FigsAndWine · 13/08/2011 16:45

YANBU at all. It does sound as though they're coming to see your DW, rather than you though. Do they get offended if you carry on with what you were doing?

HansieMom said "As for PS3, they are juvenile and immature. Surely you can find other things to doplay with baby, clean house, mow the grasssomething??"

Er...wtf has how he spends his leisure time got to do with you? There are lots of other things I could be doing, like housework, when I choose to sit on MN or read a book. Should I find more useful things to do instead? Hmm

Adversecamber · 13/08/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 13/08/2011 17:07

We live on a street that most of our local friends have to walk down to get to the local shops. So we get a lot of pop ins. They take us as they find us. If they have to pick their way through the piles of washing (dirty or clean) to get to the kitchen table, so be it. I gave up worrying about appearances a long time ago. If I waited til my house was tidy to have people around I'd have bugger all social life. Most of them have kids and know the way we live Grin

I love it.

cat64 · 13/08/2011 17:12

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Message withdrawn

Eglu · 13/08/2011 17:13

Adversecamber I'm the same. There are a couple of people who I don't mind popping in as I know they will not judge how they find my house and would take the hint to bugger off if we were busy.

Everyone else can call.

Original poster
robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 17:15

HansieMom said "As for PS3, they are juvenile and immature. Surely you can find other things to doplay with baby, clean house, mow the grasssomething??

I do all those things. I also have chats with my DW. But if you read my actual posts, I said that when I finish a run of shifts, I am generally aching from head to toe and sometimes it's nice to do something that requires no physical effort, especially on my first day off. Plus, whilst YOU may think that the PS3 is immature, there are millions of adults around the world who disagree with you. Perhaps you can send me a PM containing a list of acceptable hobbies and I can choose one or two from it?

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 13/08/2011 17:19

I think this is cultural: for some people its a real faux pas to pop in unannounced while for others its really snotty to object. My DH, for example comes from a country where people endlessly drop in and spend the whole afternoon idling around at each others' houses and where it takes four or five hours to go around the market and do your shopping because you need to ask every stall holder how their mother's angina is etc. I find it excruciating but he thinks I'm very anal to expect people to let me know they are coming over. I think if you live in a big city you get used to a certain detachment and if you have a demanding job or kids (or both) you really value downtime on your own terms. If you have less to do in the day you don't put the same premium on it.

mummylin2495 · 13/08/2011 17:25

My house seems to be the general meeting place for the rest of the family.My mum is here a lot and usually her sister or one of my siblings is looking for her and they will turn up here .I dont mind at all.I would hate not to have any visitors.And if im not dressed what does it matter ? its my family and they will always be welcome but have to accept me how i am.When my grandparents were alive theirs was the place we would all meet and it was lovely.They were the heart of our family.I must admit i did used to get annoyed when my kids were young,when their friends always arrived right on dinner time.

HopeForTheBest · 13/08/2011 17:32

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

pictish · 13/08/2011 17:37

Those mocking this man's hobbies - mind your own business, he was not asking for a critique of his interests!

OP - yeah, I like to know if people are going to turn up too. Yanbu.