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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that people should call before popping round?

145 replies

robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 13:41

Am I really alone in thinking this? My DW's family have a habit of just popping over at any time, more often than not without calling first. My DW says this i because they live locally. I don't have many days off work and use them to play on my PS3 etc. When they come over, I'm expected to stop everything and talk to them at the risk of being antisocial otherwise. I believe that it is more antisocial to just show up. Today, my family have done the exact same and I have complained to them about it as I was just settling down to watch the football. They have accused me of being miserable. Is it really that unreasonable? When our DS was born, we didn't have 5 mins to ourselves due to people just popping over. It takes 20 secs to let us know that somebody is on their way. AIBU? Really?

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 17:42

I'm really divided on this. In theory I love the idea of people popping over, Friends style; I like to think that people think of my house as somewhere where they will always be welcome. But in practice, if someone came over on my average working-at-home day when I was sitting in yoga trousers and a terrible old jumper, bed hair and unbrushed teeeth ahoy, I might be a bit naffed off. And if someone came over while I was in the middle of an engrossing film, or a shag, it would be awkward to say the least.

But hardly anyone ever comes over unannounced, so in reality I don't have to think about it that much.

RubberDuck · 13/08/2011 17:46

I wonder how much the divide is extrovert/introvert related?

I'm an introvert and while I do enjoy socialising, I also need downtime/retreat from the world time and my home is my refuge. I do find drop-ins quite stressful and an intrusion when I'm not in the right frame of mind although I'll work hard not to show it. Fortunately, we have no family who live very close by so it's not really been an issue.

RubberDuck · 13/08/2011 17:48

(Also - nothing wrong with gaming! I get bored to tears watching TV, just not interactive enough. I wonder how many people who think games are juvenile will think nothing of sitting for hours in front of the telly of an evening!)

Hardgoing · 13/08/2011 17:50

It's also a cultural thing, in my husband's culture, calling around to people's houses with very little or no notice is perfectly usual, and people keep a stock of food and drink in in case this happens (not a whole meal, but salami, cheese, pickles) as it is very rude not to offer friends food and drink. I can't stand it, you can never relax in your own home, but people there seem much more relaxed about houses/popping in/he lived half his life as a child in the neighbour's houses and this was usual behaviour.

GetOrfMoiSamsungFridgeFreezer · 13/08/2011 17:52

I can stand droppers in - it only takes a minute to call and see if you are in. Everyone we know lives a good 10 mins drive at least anyway.

Mind you if I am caught on the hop or am busy doing something I don't answer the door anyway.

Taffybird · 13/08/2011 17:59

YANBU. Ever since I was a student I have had a loathing for unannounced visitors. When DH (then DP) and I were students we often used to spend Sunday mornings snuggled up in bed, watching cartoons and drinking tea. It wasn't the most rock 'n' roll pastime but that was our alone time, which was quite hard to come by in the busy, socially chaotic environment that was university. Then one of his friends started turning up at about 8.30am, expecting DP to be available to go for a bike ride or go round to his house and play computer games.

I started answering the door, pointedly dressed in DP's bathrobe, hair unbrushed with no makeup...but he was oblivious to the hint. He'd just come in and wait. It didn't seem to bother DP half as much as it did me, and when I suggested that he might have a word about asking in advance if it would be convenient to come round, he was shocked and thought it would be rude!

These days we live miles from both our families, and fortunately our friends and neighbours are pretty courteous about checking if it's ok to come round. But now that DH is a bit more set in his ways and enjoys his spare time tinkering with cars and computers I think he'd be a bit more inclined to see my point of view if anyone became intrusive.

But no matter what hours a person works or what they choose to do with their spare time they are entitled to some warning if their home is going to be invaded. I don't think it's too much to ask for half an hour's notice if only so that I can hide the overflowing ironing basket, make sure there are some clean cups for tea and get changed if I have breakfast all down my top!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 18:04

Maybe a compromise solution would be to have a generally recognised time when people were 'at home' to visitors, like the upper echelons of society in the old days.

Original poster

robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 18:43

It's not that easy with a baby. Never know when we'll have free time.

OP posts:

2littlegreenmonkeys · 13/08/2011 19:34

I'm going to sit on the fence with this one

I love unannounced visits, I do not however stop what ever it is that I am doing. If I am cooking or tidying I carry on. That probably makes me anti social but my friends and family know they are welcome whenever, they can make themselves at home, get themselves a drink etc. TBH most of them come to see the DD's anyway (no one wants me anymore )

But my step fil has a horrid habit of coming here at the weekend when we go out to do our grocery shopping. He phones us once he is here having a rant that we are not in. So we told him to text or call when they are popping in so we know and can arrange shopping around their visit. Still he wont ring or text and still he moans. DH tells him to deal with it'

EverythingsNotRosie · 13/08/2011 19:52

We have a friend who cycles into our driveway (gravel, so we can hear him!) then phones to ask if he can come round! We can hardly say no! Last time, he ate most of our evening meal, asked if there was any more wine and ate most of a box of chocolates. Good job we think he's funny.

No one else just pops in on us, but we don't either. That's what text messages are for!

alemci · 13/08/2011 19:58

I don't mind but would prefer if people rang up first. My mum and in laws do it and sometimes it is irritating. I called in at my mum's yesterday but I rang her first even though I was about a minute away in the car.

My kids friends sometimes call in as well which i don't mind either.

Gonzo33 · 13/08/2011 20:06

I don't think YABU, but my reasoning is more because as a family we go out a lot together on the two days a week we aren't working and I don't like that to be compromised.

PercyFilth · 13/08/2011 20:17

We can hardly say no!

But you can! Of course you can. There are plenty of valid reasons you could give. Just about to go out. Just about to go to bed. Just about to have a bath (water running). Not feeling well (this can be combined with the going to bed excuse). Someone else expected imminently (someone he might not be comfortable with). Need to do some work/revise for exams/write novel.

Just say no. It gets easier once you've made a start

YouDoTheMath · 13/08/2011 20:50

Agree, I hate it. People assume it'll be a "nice surprise" and you'll be overjoyed to see them - but surely if you'd specifically wanted to see them you'd have invited them?

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleLostPrincess · 13/08/2011 22:12

YANBU. What you do in your own time is your business and I can't believe people have been commenting on that! As a gamer myself I think good on you!

Some of my close friends/family are more than welcome to drop in without warning as we're really close and I'd either carry on with what I was doing, or drop it all and it wouldn't matter. It rarely happens though, they always text or ring to check if we're here with plenty of notice. I've specifically said to certain people that they're welcome anytime so they know they could if they were passing.

However, with people who I'm not that close with, it has/would really piss me off. I had one friend once who kept turning up expecting to be entertained, especially in the evenings when I was in bed in my pyjamas. I would just stand by the front door with her (inside, I'm not that mean!) and have a quick chat rather than invite her in for a cup of tea - I think she got the message after 2 or 3 times!

My Mum wouldn't dream of turning up unannounced as she knows I'd need to have a tidy up and make sure the toilet was clean. Sometimes she'll ring if she knows she'll be passing through and I just tell her she'll have to take us as she finds us but we still freak out and do a big tidy - we call it the 'red alert'. OTOH, my Dad doesn't give a stuff about the house and often pops in, but he'll ring when he's a few minutes away to tell us to put the kettle on

ChippingIn · 13/08/2011 22:41

It makes me laugh that people say 'It's rude' when what they mean is 'I don't like it'

Each to their own - I wonder how many of you I piss off on a regular basis? All my friends, old & new, seem pleased to see me when I just drop in and I am pleased to see them when they drop in.

One actually called this morning to say she was in the next street over and was it OK to pop in with the kids... I was wondering what I'd done to give her the impression she needed to call first?? - so I asked her (yes, just as blunt in real life!!) and she said it was just because someone had said to her that it was 'Rude' to drop in unannounced and she should always call first (not specifically to that persons house, but anyones house) and frankly I think that's RUDE - my house, my rules, my friends are welcome 24/7 - take us as you find us, if you don't like it how it is - feel free not to drop in unannounced

As for the people saying only people with too much time on their hands (ie no life) don't mind, that's crap. I'm busy, have lots on, work etc - but if I'm in I'm in and anyone is welcome - well anyone I like

tothesea · 13/08/2011 23:13

Good grief - how hard is it to understand! What most people are saying is.... popping in is fine, we like the popping in, we like to see our friends/family...okay....we just want a bit of notice....that's all - what difference does a phone call or text make to the whole popping in scenario?

ChippingIn · 13/08/2011 23:24

Well DUH - that's not 'popping in' is it?

Why should other people conform to what you want in their own homes or be told their behaviour is rude? It is not rude to pop in, you just don't like it - what's so hard to understand about that?

It is DIFFERENT not RUDE.

DuelingFanjo · 13/08/2011 23:24

YANBU. I hate people popping round without calling first. I think it's rude.

AFishOutOfWater · 13/08/2011 23:32

YANBU - I can completely relate as DH's family have a habit of just turning up. I am a new mum, DD is just 8 weeks old and, since I am up doing night feeds, I am not always presentable (and neither is the house) until late morning. I truly believe their intentions are good as my family are not local and just want to see that I am ok but I don't think a little warning is too much to ask.

Tip: I keep the curtains closed now until I am ready for visitors so can get away with not answering the door if I don't want to! :o

babeinthewood · 13/08/2011 23:35

YANBU - I have an open house rule during the day, where friends can pop over and see if Im in, even though they know that 99% of my friends will at least text me an RU in? (except for one who not only 'pop's over', but opens the door and shouts HELLO! unexpectedly so I cant even hide behind the sofa!) Evenings and weekends, its a definate no no thats the down time etc etc.

for info: I am a SAHM, with three children, one still at home :-)

joric · 13/08/2011 23:43

Rule 1 NEVER 'pop' round without phoning first
Rule 2 Never phone first and say 'I'll be over in 10 mins'
Rule 3 Always talk to me to arrange mutually convenient time for both of us.

I might sound strange and unsociable but I can't stand it, Nothing wrong with house, it just makes me feel stressed.
Don't like being asked to 'pop round later' to friend's houses either :(

tothesea · 13/08/2011 23:45

Charming! perhaps we can agree to disagree on this one as it obviously depends on circumstances. When I am sitting on my sofa at 9.30 a.m in my dressing gown breastfeeding my 4 week old and my MIL knocks on the window giving my the fright of my life hmmm DUH!! maybe I might not be too pleased at her 'popping in'...

ChippingIn · 13/08/2011 23:50

Yes - you are not pleased at her popping in (and I have every sympathy), that does not make my friends popping in to my house rude.

That is the point I was making. People are entitled to prefer people to call first - it's deeming it rude not to - at other peoples houses - that is getting under my skin.

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