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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people should call before popping round?

145 replies

robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 13:41

Am I really alone in thinking this? My DW's family have a habit of just popping over at any time, more often than not without calling first. My DW says this i because they live locally. I don't have many days off work and use them to play on my PS3 etc. When they come over, I'm expected to stop everything and talk to them at the risk of being antisocial otherwise. I believe that it is more antisocial to just show up. Today, my family have done the exact same and I have complained to them about it as I was just settling down to watch the football. They have accused me of being miserable. Is it really that unreasonable? When our DS was born, we didn't have 5 mins to ourselves due to people just popping over. It takes 20 secs to let us know that somebody is on their way. AIBU? Really?

OP posts:
cardibach · 13/08/2011 14:15

Deliciousdevilwoman - I'm sure you are sociable, but it appears only on your terms. Being part of a community means considering their needs too, surely?

deliciousdevilwoman · 13/08/2011 14:16

I still maintain that it does not make one insular, unfriendly or dislocated from society to not like people rocking up unannounced!

fgaaagh · 13/08/2011 14:17

I prioritise social interaction over the dull stuff.

Er, I prioritise what's important to me, social interaction with people just comes further down my list than yours. Neither of us are wrong, but we both have the same finite number of hours in a day to work with.

Rhinestone · 13/08/2011 14:17

Flabbergasted at cardibach assuming that those of us who don't like people coming round unannounced are one step away from rioting. Hmm

Get real you silly person.

deliciousdevilwoman · 13/08/2011 14:18

No, it's not only on my terms-I will reschedule things/make time etc-BUT just DON'T call at my house unannounced. Barring a dire emergency, there is just no need.

Meglet · 13/08/2011 14:19

YANBU.

Even 15 mins notice is better than nothing.

I wear track pants and no bra under my t-shirts at home (it's comfy) so I have to get changed to answer the door, if I know someone is coming I get my jeans and a nice top on. And I have to tidy up the toys from the floor, kitchen surfaces and make sure the bathroom is ok.

cardibach · 13/08/2011 14:21

I didn't say you were one step away from rioting! I'm not the silly one. I said the attitude shown in a society which is now unwilling to accept visitors who 'pop in' is part of the attitude which leads to social unrest inclus=ding rioting.
fgaaagh - I wasn't suggesting it was better, just looking or reasons why some people don't like unscheduled social interaction. I think it is a shame, but your priorities are your concern, not mine.

Original poster
robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 14:21

Btw, I don't spend all my free time playing my PS3 and I'm not boring. But I work a very physical job that leaves me aching and sometimes an hour or 2 playing games is the easiest thing for me to do. The reason I was looking forward to watching football today is because it's the first day of the new season. Now that I've justified my hobbies to you, perhaps we can get back to the subject in hand?

OP posts:
PercyFilth · 13/08/2011 14:22

I don't mind at all if they're local. If it's really not convenient I will tell them so.

However if they're coming from a distance, I think it's ridiculous not to ring first. My old neighbour (dead now) had a whole bunch of nieces, nephews, sisters etc who all lived at least 50 miles away and always just turned up without warning. They were quite insouciant about this ("Oh, it doesn't matter if you're out") but the point was, he minded if he missed them. Many times I'd have taken him shopping or something, to return and find one of them had been and left a note, and he'd be really disappointed. If he'd known they were coming, he would have gone out another time. Especially annoying if he'd only popped out for a few minutes.

Me, I sometimes just randomly drop in on local people if passing, if obviously not convenient I will clear off. If it's about something specific and not on my way elsewhere, I'll usually give a ring first to see if they're in.

wotabouttheworkers · 13/08/2011 14:24

My daughter is 16 & her friends come and go at will. I am pleased to see them (and like to know, without appearing to be observing them, who she's seeing). If the moment is difficult I will say so. However, my philosophy is that the house is somewhere to hang my hat so to speak and what makes it a home is the visiting of other people. I do speak as someone who has no family living within 250 miles - think that family just popping in would be more difficult. My friends never seem to just pop in (they like to receive or make a call first) - they would be very welcome if they did.

deliciousdevilwoman · 13/08/2011 14:25

Exactly Meglet! Although it's not just the tidy self/house stuff. I don't know about you, but sometimes I just don't want to see anyone. The place may be spotless....but I may have had a tiring week or just want to chill on my own with a dvd or book. I reserve the right not to answer my door. However, if you have friends/relatives knocking around, and they know you are in it's difficult. A call from them to say "Can I come around/I was thinking of coming around" gives you the opportunity to either psyche yourself up or suggest a more convenient time

Andrewofgg · 13/08/2011 14:25

YANBU. Always call first.

ballstoit · 13/08/2011 14:28

YANBU. You've just reminded me of one of the joys of not being with ex-H any more...no uunannounced visits from his family. They still visit, but they ring first.

I'm almost always happy for someone to pop round, but I find it annoying/embarassing when I'm still in my pjs at lunchtime and/or havent brushed my hair and teeth yet.

My family ring before popping...ex-H's do so as well now, as I explained that I dont like to answer the door when I'm home alone unless I know who it is (which is true if I'm not dressed etc). I enjoy their visits much more when I know they're coming first.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/08/2011 14:33

Ah yes, RLPM its my family. Your brother has never come round at 11.30pm at night when I've been in bed and DS was about 2m old and banged on the door for 2 hours (while I ignored him) til I gave up and let him in

PS to be fair, he didnt say he plays on the PS3 all day :)

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/08/2011 14:34

PS, are you the same RLPM who moaned pre-DCs that no-one ever came to visit us...? Grin

PrincessJenga · 13/08/2011 14:34

Now that I've justified my hobbies to you, perhaps we can get back to the subject in hand?

I was going to say YANBU as i also like to be warned before people come round (so that I can run around the house tidying up before they arrive) but now you just sound rude so I'm with the YABU camp.

Original poster
robotlollypopman · 13/08/2011 14:38

Sorry PrincessJenga, but I came on here for advice and people mocked my hobbies. That's rude.

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/08/2011 14:38

Princess, in his defence, as his poor DW, I will point out that the above rudeness is because someone suggested telling me to leave him because he plays on the PS3 Grin

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2011 14:39

In general I think YANBU. But just occasionally it's really nice when someone just pops around without prior warning - I had a friend who I hadn't seen for some time, she lived a couple of hours away from me who "just popped round" one day on her way home from visiting her parents. She remembered where I lived but not my phone number - and DS was only about 4w old, so she got to meet him which was lovely. Because I hadn't seen her for ages and because she'd made the effort to find our house again, I was really chuffed that she'd popped around; but if it's people who are nearby then they can jolly well phone first!

PrincessJenga · 13/08/2011 14:44

Ah, but it's mumsnet. People mock (that's why we like it!). However, I suspect the 'leave him' was a joke so don't take it to heart. It's the standard answer to any AIBU post so is now used sarcastically.

DW - what do you think? Is he being unreasonable?

cocoachannel · 13/08/2011 14:46

YANBU, how hard is it to send a quick text to check it's okay? My inlaws live locally, and are very relaxed when here, but I'd rather not be in my PJs at 4pm get myself presentable and be able to warn them if the baby (who let's face it is the person they are really visiting) is likely to be napping when they want to pop over!

Rhinestone · 13/08/2011 14:48

Get a grip man, you did say that playing PS was how you spent your days off and you're in AIBU so what did you expect?! But I did say YANBU on the popping round thing.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/08/2011 14:50

I think he has a point, but its not always quite so simple. For example, he is mainly pissed off because my mum and sister came over last night, having told me earlier in the week that they might pop in Friday night. To me, that is the same as letting me know, but to DH, he wants to know when people are on their way.
But the thing is, most of the time when I'm visiting family I will just pop in, as they live close and thats just how we've always done it...

evenlessnarkypuffin · 13/08/2011 14:51

You're going to get a big divide in responses. For some people just popping round to see someone without notice is absolutely the norm. It's what they do, what their family does and it would seem bizarre and rude to them to expect people to phone first or arrange a convenient time.

For other people to doorstep someone is incredibly rude, unless you are eg handing over a child's present and leaving and not expecting to come in. It's something they would never dream of doing and they can't understand people who do.

There is no right and wrong on this one.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/08/2011 14:58

Plus, it greatly depends on the reason of the visit. If its to drop something off or stay no longer than 5 mins, I def dont think that needs notice. If I were going out of my way to drop something off, I would ask if they were in to save myself being inconvenienced if they weren't. If I didnt ask, its my problem if theyre not in.