To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

[rooks14]

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

There are loads of you going on about 'why won't you tell mil? It will make no difference, the phone will be off, what is the worst she can do?' And 'if you just tell her not to tell others she won't'

What do any of you know unless you actually know the op's mil?

I would hazard a guess that you are all lucky enough to have mils who would keep schtum if asked and wouldn't make a pita of themselves with repeated phone calls / texts / telling all and sundry what is going on. The OP has stated this:

MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

and presumably she actually KNOWS her mil better than any of you. But most of you who think she is being unreasonable have totally disregarded this.

Now I am in the 'there is nothing private in people knowing you're in labour' camp. I told all family members and several friends by text when I went into labour. But if I was a private person and there was a family member who would behave like this and tell the world I wouldn't have told them either. Whoever it was. THAT is the point, not a mil vs mum and who is most important debate.

To the poster who said it's sounds like a 14 year old saying it's not fair on the MIL, I was thinking the exact opposite. I think the OP sounds immature and I don't think it's healthy to dictate to your partner full stop.

As those of us with children know, birth is a blip, a small moment in time, soon you'll be worrying about feeding, weaning, sleeping, appropriate video games, school work.......the list goes on. Why cause bad feeling.

Maybe im wrong, but that's my opinion.

I don't even think it matters if the OP's MIL would behave in the way the OP thinks. The main point is that telling the OP's MIL will cause the OP stress. and that isn't good for the OP or her baby.

What kind of a person, DM or MIL, would put their petty feelings about being told at the same time as someone else above the health of their DD/DIL and their GC? I find that bizarre and a bit . The child hasn't even been born yet and the concern and focus is already off the welfare of the mother and child.

But the OP hasn't said the phone is off. You lot have told her it will be!

I totally get that if the OP's dh needs support during labour because things aren't going well he should be able to get that support from whereever he chooses and if that is his mum then so be it. But there is no need to tell her in advance when she is most likely to make things difficult and strssful for the OP at precisely the time when she needs to relax

here here suchprospects

Very dramatic suchprospects. I don't think anyone has said that the welfare of the mother shouldn't come first. Like the op will be in labour worrying because her MIL knows shes about to give birth, and if that is the case then that screaming newborn is going to be a shock to the system.

TheSecondComing, do you honestly believe that turning a mobile phone off stops this kind of person?
My MIL, on finding that her calls weren't being answered, bombarded the ward with phone calls. It drove the midwives nearly frantic because she was blocking the line for other women to call in if they were worried about their pregnancies. In the end, DH had to ring her - and did that stop her? Did it hell!!

I imagine the OP's MIL has form for this kind of behaviour so that's how she can predict her behaviour. My SIL once went to a party in Brighton and turned her phone off. MIL worked herself up into a frenzy because she couldn't contact my SIL and alternately phoned her and my DH well into the early hours.
When SIL turned her phone on next morning, she had 42 voicemail messages, two from my DH "For Christ's sake, ring Mum: she driving me up the wall!" and one from the local police who she'd also hassled "Would you please ring your mother? She's worried about you."
SIL was 23 years old at the time.

YANBU. I was induced with DS3 and I didn't tell either set of grandparents because I didn't want all the comments and phonecalls and blah blah blah. I didn't even tell them my due date for the same reason! So they didn't know just how overdue I was when I went in for induction at 42 weeks .

Yes, it's their grandchild but the most important person in this is you, and if it makes you more relaxed then just keep quiet. As long as your DP is in agreement? With your mum being 5 hours away there is a good reason for her to be told in advance. Good luck for Sunday!

MrsBananaGrabber The OP might find a screaming newborn a shock to her system but that will happen after the labour and won't delay it or make it harder. She might be being over sensitive about her MIL's enquiries and she might be wrong about the way her MIL will react. That isn't the point. If she's to tell her MIL when she tells her DM there is a lot of time before she's distracted by labour for her to worry about the response.

Whether that worry is justified or not it will still affect her and her labour. she's 42 weeks pregnant being unreasonable is not unreasonable. All of which supposes the OP is wrong about how her MIL will react. It's not like she's talking about informaing her when she goes into labour even, she's talking about telling her about a planned induction that may or may not result in days of frustrated waiting. If she's right and the MIL does make it a nightmare then she isn't even being a reasonably unreasonable pregnant woman.

The reason MIL is not on an equal footing DURING labour is because she wont offer a high level of support to labouring wife and also lives close by so has no commute to see newborn - unlike mother. MIL will CAUSE STRESS to labouring wife and labouring wifes needs are 100% the most important in all this. Her needs clearly overshadow the MIL's need to know and DH's need to tell his mum. Ther won't be a midwife on this planet that would put any MIL/DH's needs above that of a labouring wife.

I can just see MIL making tons of phonecalls and then everyone texting DH/wife lots to see what progress is being made. Nightmare and pressure. He/she will then be expected to phone MIL and every tom dick and harry the second the babe is born and not enjoy a few quiet blissful hours together without interuption.

No one said the MIL should be there during labour, blah blah blah......I'm flouncing off now.......I shall go and pray that that one of my sons is gay and I end up with a SIL rather than princess DIL ;)

(turns up YMCA and dresses 7 yo DS in a police uniform)

I had all 3 of mine induced and my mil knew as she was nearer. But she didn't hassle me or worry which would have been annoying at the time. Tell ur DH to tell them both and either ask your mum to keep an eye on MIL or tell DH to keep both away,, you'll be too tired to deal with them, i could barely deal with DH lol

I know for a fact that neither of my sons will want me and dh treated in this way and will fight for their rights in any future children situations

cricketballs Of course, every man has equal right to a child! Last time I checked labour was the woman's situation entirely though. The second that baby comes out of her vagina then her husband has equal rights. But until that second, you are talking about her labour. HER LABOUR, the physical act. Not the child's birth.

I hope you wouldn't expect your sons to fight their pregnant wives for"their rights" (and by their you clearly mean your right). That kind of behaviour won't keep them married long.

Oh and one last point that I hate to make on a woman about to give births thread (but I will anyway because it needs to be said and because she'll know it all anway due to the obsessive googling all pregnant women do) but last time I checked....

No man has ever had his cock ripped in half during child birth.
No man has ever suffered years of incontinence due to child birth.
No man has ever shat himself in child birth.
No man has ever had to have a pessary shoved up his cock to induce labour.
No man has ever died in child birth.

So no man has rights during labour. And if a woman wants her mummy there at the hospital or her mum to know she's being induced so she can drive the 5 hours to be there in case of an emergency or to help clean her house or any reason at all, she can... and one last thing if dh needs to be able to call his mummy because he needs support because he can't bare to be in the room while his wife has an internal... he probably doesn't even deserve to be there at all.

rooks14, I would tell them both at the same time. You need to learn to tell your mil that you do not wish to discuss personal details about your body, and if there is anything she needs to know, you will make sure she is aware.

I agree that you and your husband should probably turn off your phones once labour begins. If either of you want to talk to someone, just turn them on for that, then off again after you say good bye.

I would be hurt if my son didn't tell me, if they told the other mil, about being in labour. I can handle being told dil doesn't want to talk about her labour, body or whatever it is, but please, treat me like an equal and tell me how you feel, don't resort to being sneaky. If I know, then I can make changes in my behavior, curb my curiosity, respect your wish not to call everyone to spread the word, and keep my worrying to myself.

Anyways good luck with the baby! Hope it all goes great! In a couple of days, you will have a tiny bundle of love!

How about a compromise? Tell her you are going to the hospital on Sunday for a review with your consultant and that you will let her know how you get on as soon as you can (but obviously you may be tied up). But that you will let her know as soon as is reasonable.

I have read the first and the last. Surely the mother/daughter relationship trumps the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship where these issues are concerned. My mother and I and my daughter and I have had a relationship from conception. I met my mother-in-law 28 years later. The OP's wishes come first in this case and her mother in law should have the good sense to back off and if she doesn't she needs to be diplomatically managed. Once the baby is born both sets of grandparents are equal in relation to the grandchild - they cannot and will never be equal for both of the parents - my DH and MIL share experiences that go far beyond the point we met and vice versa. And for what it's worth there is no way I would want or expect anyone other than my DH present at the hospital during labour and I would not have wanted to deal with anyone else until I had had a few hours sleep, a successful breast feed and a shower (and in my case was composed enough to put a bit of lippy on). For both of mine both sets of parents were called first thing in the morning after the births and were certainly not told that I was in labour and dd was induced. Maternity units don't need a horde of rellys in the waiting room turning a birth into a visit from the Boswells!

"and one last thing if dh needs to be able to call his mummy because he needs support because he can't bare to be in the room while his wife has an internal... he probably doesn't even deserve to be there at all"

so if a man is not comfortable with a medical procedure and wants support from his mum (and by the way he called my mum as well) then he doesn't deserve to be at the birth of his son?

I can't believe a woman can be such a bitch by saying that

As those of us with children know, birth is a blip, a small moment in time

mrsbananagrabber - hate to say it but its not like that for everyone, and if something happens at the birth, the subsequent weeks are hell for everyone.
If the OP doesn't want her told then thats what she should do.
I wish sometimes we had held off telling all our parents until the birth, crash, NICU/SCBU weeks were over, and spared them the hours, and weeks of worry, followed by further bad news. (i realise I ABU there!!)
Thankfully for us, the final outcome was good.

Cricketballs Birth isn't some sort of event put on for the benefit of relatives (DPs, DMs, MILs or anyone else). The point of anyone being at a birth should, first and foremost, be to support the mother. If they are just there to see their child born and aren't actually up to providing support, then they perhaps shouldn't be there. It isn't a matter of "deserving" the treat of being able to see their child born, it's a matter of providing the support required to make their child's journey into this world as safe and pleasant as possible for the child and mother.

I realise things don't always go as planned and someone who finds they aren't able to cope after all shouldn't be vilified because they find it hard. But that doesn't mean that they should make the mother's labour more difficult because they can't cope with it. And I'd hope no DP would want to.