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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

228 replies

rooks14 · 12/08/2011 15:00

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 21:45

I don't think the MIL should have the same relationship with her DIL as her own mother

I do think the MIL should have the same relationship with her son though

are mother daughter and relationships different to mother and son relationships?

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:46

No they aren't just as important when it comes to the labour and birth, as that is about the OP.

They are just as important when it comes to the actual baby at the end of it.

Do you think that if the OP does not want to tell her MIL she should not tell her own mother?

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 21:46

stray and there

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:47

But the son is not the one giving birth!!!

I don't want to go into it on this thread but surely it is obvious that a woman who is labouring and giving birth is not in the same position as her partner?

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 21:47

I think she should tell both

I find it odd she would tell one without the other,yes

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 21:50

but the son also has a need to be supported; I know my dh found the labour and birth traumatic as he has since told me he felt helpless to see me in such discomfort and could not doing anything to take the pain away. Surely the op's dh should have the option of speaking to his mum so she can reassure him?

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:51

I honestly think that many of you are looking past the woman entirely and focussing on the son and the baby.

You have all given birth - it's not a walk in the park is it - and yet you all have zero empathy for the woman in this situation who is having a baby. You all say that she must put herself in a situation she feels really uncomfortable in, for her own labour and birth, to keep her MIL happy.

Now my MIL would have been happy for me to do whatever when I gave birth, as she was a nice person. She would not have been shouting about her "rights" over me and my pregnant, soon to be induced labour and birthing body.

Firawla · 12/08/2011 21:52

I agree with TSC & bananagrabber. finding the majority opinion in here quite strange tbh! I do think yabu not to tell mil at all and would be understandable if mil is hurt by that. Telling her does not mean she would have to come into the hospital or anything, and if you dont want to talk to her on the phone during labour then don't!
I understand about mils who are a worrier and sometimes interfere, my mil can at times be like that but it wouldn't cross my mind not to tell her I was going in to be induced, although I also tell my friends when I am going in and dont really mind it being public knowledge, so maybe I am not really in touch with this attitude alot of people have in the thread about keeping it all top secret. I found it passed the time quite well texting back all my friends while waiting for my induction to start working, but I understand people are different and not all are comfy with that. Still, mil is family so atleast just to let her know that you will be going in on the sunday if nothing happens, is not too much to ask really. Maybe just get dh to tell her and say "we will let you know once the baby is born" so she doesnt keep phoning for updates?
Anyway good luck for the induction!!

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:52

cricketballs so you think that while OP is in labour and if she is finding things difficult, her partner should be out in the corridor getting support on the phone from his mum?

Bleeding heck.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:54

An interesting point here is that none of us know the MIL apart from the OP. The OP says she will make is a nightmare. But a lot of you dismiss that and say so what if it's a nightmare you have to tell her. Its bizarre.

If she's that much of a nightmare and OP really doesn't want to tell her, do you all say she should not tell her own mother? No-one is answering that.

FunkyChicken · 12/08/2011 21:57

Why not just tell people (including MIL) the happy news once the baby has arrived? We never dreamt of phoning around family members or close friends when I was in labour - we always planned to do all that AFTER the baby had arrived and just focus on the matter in hand during labour Confused

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:58

Because then her mother who lives 5 hours away won't be able to do all the things that they had planned for her to do.

Also presumably the OP wants her mum close by (and her mum wants to be close by) just in case.

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/08/2011 22:01

Some people are running away with the idea that the MIL should be in the delivery room, I don't think anyone on this thread has said anything even remotely close to that.

Of course the laboring woman should be supported in any way she wants, birth is hard and very personal, and as it's the first baby it will be a life changing experience ( not that subsequent children don't cause a life change, but there is nothing like the first IMO) but a phone call, a small, considerate phone call to a woman who is invested in this huge life altering event, a quick, I'm being induced on Sunday, I'm quite nervous, we will let you know when baby is here. Not too much to ask is it to spare someone's feelings, a phone call, not assisting with the foreseps or delivering the placenta.

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/08/2011 22:04

And can I just point out that the OPs partner has asked why she can tell her mum but he can't.......speaks volumes really.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 22:06

so your dp/dh never left the room for a second? My dh went to the toilet and called his mum (whilst the midwife was checking as he wasn't really comfortable with this!)

Let me point out my view once and for all; yes the op is the person in labour and will want the labour as she wants but there is also the father of the baby who has a vested interest. This vested interest also includes the mother of the op and the mother of the father to be whom should treated as the mother of the father and not just someone who is a pain.

As Firawla, TSC & bananagrabber have said we are finding it very strange that the majority on here are of the opinion that the mil is treated like this.

To be honest I feel that some people are sounding like bra burners suggesting that the father to be has no entitlement to his opinion that it is not fair for his mum not to know the same time as the ops (ops words!)

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 12/08/2011 22:06

A phone call to a woman who will most likely phone all and sundry...

"I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour,"

which, maybe, the OP doesn't want to happen.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 22:09

Why wouldn't they let her MIL in?

They let you have visitors, you're on a normal ward, until things start up. And things might not start up for ages.

"Of course the laboring woman should be supported in any way she wants, birth is hard and very personal"

Unless the thing she wants is for her MIL not to know, even though she is very apprehensive about this.

"but a phone call, a small, considerate phone call to a woman who is invested in this huge life altering event, a quick, I'm being induced on Sunday, I'm quite nervous, we will let you know when baby is here. Not too much to ask is it to spare someone's feelings, a phone call,"

Presumably if the OPs MIL would accept that, the OP wouldn't be asking the question in the first place.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 22:10

if op's dh actually stated to his mum (as previously suggested) that they are telling her and op's mum only and don't want it going further or he would be upset etc then I can't see the problem

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 12/08/2011 22:11

Just because he states that doesn't automatically mean his DM would take notice.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 22:11

I find it strange that people who have obviously given birth would dismiss the preferences of a woman giving birth so easily.

So the wishes of the son and the MIL over-ride the wishes of a woman who is going to be labouring and birthing ie something that is happening to her body but her wishes are less important than the people who are not giving birth.

Honestly I don't understand.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 22:21

not saying her wishes are less important just trying to understand why she (and others) feel that mil is of less importance for information especially when he dh has said he doesn't think its fair that his mum doesn't know something her own mother knows

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 22:23

Well you are though. The OPs wishes are that the MIL not be told, and I'm sure she has good reason for her wishes. People are saying that OPs wishes should be disregarded, even though she is the one giving birth.

People would have a pregnant/labouring/birthing woman's disregarded as "snoffair"? Sounds like something a 14yo would say.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 22:24

To the OP it seems like a very big thing which she does not want to do. If it were a very small thing she wouldn't mind doing it, and she wouldn't be posting about it on MN.