To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

[rooks14]

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

[4madboys]

well its only saturday so lets hope you go into labour naturally on your own before then and dont have to be induced, either way baby will be here soon, so good luck :)

[ShoutyHamster]

First thing - as many have said, the ONLY person with any form of 'rights' here is the WOMAN GIVING BIRTH.

If she wants to tell the milkman but not her own mum that she's being induced, if she wants to have her mother there but not the baby's dad - sorry, but that's what goes. And the verrry simple reason for that is that birth is NOT just a medical process. It is a deeply EMOTIONAL process - as we all know, a woman whose feelings and wishes are respected in labour is likely to have a better, easier birth. Quite literally, you have a situation where the OP's right to maximise the chances of her being relaxed, and confident, and less likely to need intervention - literally, less likely to end up with damage or a CS - well, there is simply no comparison with any perceived 'right' of the MIL to not feel excluded in some way. Or OP's mum, if that was the person she wanted to exclude.

That brings me to the second point. Cricketballs and the other 'mums of boys' up in arms at this situation - have you read the OP's comments? She isn't 'excluding' her MIL because she is her MIL and thus somehow less central, less worthy, less family, she's excluding her because she's the kind of person who will turn the whole thing a complete nightmare! It's nowt to do with whose mum she is! The situation could easily have been the reverse - I'm sure if MIL was level headed, calm, sensible - as she's twenty minutes down the road, she would indeed have been the one the OP and her DH would be calling on, and if her mum was the one who happens to be a complete bloody drama queen, she'd be the one getting excluded. And quite damn right too!

Don't jump in going on about your 'rights' - you have none, as this shows. Instead, reflect on the universal truth and the moral of this story - that no matter what your relationship to a person, if you want them to want you around, if you want them to let you into the more personal parts of their lives, don't be a habitual pain in the ass. Because no one has a genetics-given right to nosey their way into any part of another person's private life. And in many ways, birth is about as private as you can get.

So, mums of boys - less about the rights, let's hear more about all the brillant, supportive, sensible MILs who have fab relationships with their DILs because they are nice normal people who don't tantrum, control, overreact, push their way in, and who are liked and respected as a result.

[skybluepearl]

your the one giving birth - you call the shots

tell her on your way to delivery suite i agree

[skybluepearl]

i don't think you need to consider anyone elses needs but your own - with the aim of having a stress free labour. informing MIL will result in being bombarded and interfeared with. your DH should be putting your needs first - the midwife will only be interested in the woman giving birth. nobody but the essential people need to know in advance. no one is entitled to know you are in labour. the nice and fair thing is that both MIL and mother will meet new baby at the same time.

we didn't tell MIL till after the birth each time and that was perfectly acceptable for all of us.

[dutchyoriginal]

As usual:

Hear hear for ShoutyHamster!

[mich54321]

I would be upset if i found out the other grandparent knew and I didn't. I would be inclined to say "As I am 10 days overdue, I am being induced late on Sunday if nothing happens before hand. Please do not broadcast this, nor contact us for updates as this is stressful. We will let you know as soon as anything happens and we will not be answering our phones until we need to contact you with news". Then switch off your phones so she can't contact you !

[usualsuspect]

hear hear for TSC

[kiki22]

I don't think YABU but that said is it really worth the hurt feels and years of resentment it could cause... why dont u sit down with her tell her that your tellin her ur mum and only u 2, if she feels that shes in on something special might keep her quiet

think of it this way if u have a boy and u were the MIL would u want to know?

[SardineQueen]

So really what people are suggesting is that if the OP really doesn't want her MIL knowing that she is being induced on X date, she mustn't tell her mother either.

That seems way harsh to me.

Do people not understand that a woman has a different relationship with her mother than her MIL? That a mother has a different relationship with her children than a MIL has?

Say something goes wrong. (It won't!). Do people think it would be usual for MIL to be as devastated as the mother? When my MIL passed away nobody expected me to be as upset as DH. I don't understand why people are suggesting these things, that when you partner up the other persons parents become the same to you as your own parents. They don't. Would people really have their MIL there when they gave birth, if they would have their mother there? That would be pretty odd, surely.

[ChitChattingaway]

Well in my case it as MIL who knew I had gone into labour, and not my DM, because 1) DM would panic and be frantic until we rang with an update whereas DMIL would be (and was) calm about it 2) DMIL had been asked to look after DS2 by me - when DH asked her she told him that it wasn't up to him who as there, but up to me as I was giving birth, not him. How fabulous is she???!!!

(My DM has been going on and on about me needing to have a caesarean because she just KNEW that everything would go wrong during the birth - what a way to fill someone with confidence, mum!!!!)

[FakePlasticTrees]

I actually don't think this is about telling mothers or MILs, but more about how they would treat that information.

When I had DS we told both sets when I was in labour (because it started on Christmas eve and so our christmas day plans had to be cancelled). Over the next 27 hours, PIL sent 1 text. My parents called, and called, and called, they sent several text messages.

Therefore, if I was being induced with a second DC, I'd tell PIL but not my parents until the DC was here. This isn't because I'm closer to them, or that I love them more or anything like that, it's just what will make those few hours (which face it, are hideous) as easy as possible.

OP - if telling your MIL will make you stressed because you can't trust her to behave sensibly, don't tell her.

[usualsuspect]

They become equal grandparents though

or are paternal GPs seen as second best as well?

[SardineQueen]

But they are not equal parents. The main person here is the person who is giving birth. I don't know about anyone else but when I had my babies my parents primary concern was that I was alright.

Or is the woman just a vessel to produce a baby which everyone needs to have equal "dibs" over, with her own health of as much relevance to her own parents apparently as her In-laws.

[EverythingsNotRosie]

TBH if I were to have a second child 9and that's doubtful!) I wouldn't tell ANYONE I was being induced. I told everyone I knew... and had to send updating texts 4 days later when it still hadn't worked! I basically worried people unnecessarily because no one bothered to explain to me that induction might not work.

But my mum was kept updated throughout the actual labour and my MIL wasn't told until it was over. I don't even think that was done on purpose, I just needed my mum to know. It's basic instinct.

I don't think my MIL is second best as a grandparent (no FIL) but the relationship is very different to that with my parents. That could be down to any number of circumstances, but it's not MIL that I phone when something is worrying me about DD, it's my mum. Again, basic instinct.

[SardineQueen]

My mum came with me when I was induced (DH was at work).

Can people genuinely not understand why I would have had my mother there but not my MIL? Even though my MIL was very nice and everything... She's not the same as my MUM!

[usualsuspect]

Shes not asking to go in with her

No one is saying the MIL should be there at the actual birth

[Tanith]

I told my MIL I was being induced and I so wish I hadn't. She was a complete nightmare, continually ringing the ward for updates - as if they didn't have enough to do! It was so embarrassing. DH kept leaving me to call her. It was all about her feelings, her rights, her wishes.

[SardineQueen]

People are saying that MIL gets the same "rights" surrounding the birth as the OPs parents.

I say they don't. OPs parents will have more concerns about different aspects of this than MIL, as it is their child that will be giving birth.

[usualsuspect]

I just think its a bit mean to tell her mum and not her dps mum

but all families are different

[4madboys]

of course they become equal grandparents, no one is disputing that fact, but this isnt about the baby and its relationship to its grandparents, its about a woman giving birht and what she wants to do, which ultimately IS what matters, as i said on the previous page she woudnt even have to tell her dh if she didnt want to, she can tell who she wants when she is in labour, before the even etc, that is her choice as she is giving birth.

it sounds as tho mil WILL actually see them and the baby more anyway purely as they live so close. but its not a bloody competition, why do people make it out to be so and go on about it so much?

its about what a woman is comfortable with when she is about to do one of the most emotional and arduous things of her life!

[SpeedyGonzalez]

ShoutyHamster, can I give you my SIL's number, and could you repeat your "habitual PITA" speech to her?