If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!
I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.
Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?
AIBU?
To not tell MIL I'm being induced?
rooks14 · 12/08/2011 15:00
Sorry cricketballs, but yes!
Ever heard the phrase 'with rights come responsibilities'? 
I think the poster that said that was trying to make the point that it's a bit rich for an expectant father to jump up and start banging on about his 'rights' to influence how the birth is undertaken for HIS peace of mind, and then back out of the room whimpering when the nasty scary old instruments start coming out!
If it's your view that the father - and by extension his mum, because you persist in seeing this issue as one of familial competition despite the OP saying that she wants her MIL not told simply because her MIL is a pain - if it's your view that the father to be is EQUALLY a part of the process, is EQUALLY 'at the centre' of the birth then no, he does not get to be 'not comfortable' with the icky bits - the other parent can't get up off the bed and say 'ooh sorry I'm not up for this bit' - so neither should he!
But a good dad-to-be knows that and simply wouldn't think in a million years of waiting until his wife was undergoing unpleasant bits of the birth process and then decide to pop off for some 'support' from his mum and leave her to it. A good birth partner wouldn't think that his feelings at that point were a priority.
This thread has become about what the OP isn't - familial competition. It's not hard to smell the fear in the posts of the mums of boys here, and I think that that is really sad, and just not necessary. Bottom line - no, it isn't the same knowing that your daughter is giving birth as knowing that your son is watching his wife/partner give birth. The latter doesn't involve the irrational but naked fear that it will be your child who dies during the process or who ends up permanently damaged. Or the agony that you know your child is in pain, perhaps frightened, and there's nothing you can (or should) do about it. Anyone trying to equate the two just makes themselves look desperate and unreasonable.
As a mum of a son, I find it bizarre that on this thread some people are putting more effort into denying the realities of biology in order to convince themselves that they are an equal grandparent, rather than simply fostering relationships with the next generation - their son and wife, or daughter and husband - which will ensure that they do indeed become as central and as loved as anyone else in the family.
Growing up I do not remember any feeling of one set of grandparents being more involved or central than the other. My mother called her MIL 'mum'. As I could see it, tensions - and there were plenty! - arose not from whose child was whose and whose side someone was on, but just from individual personalities. So, a normal bickering old family, but thank God, one where at least key members hadn't started out from the basic, fatal premise that there were two teams, and everyone was on one of them, apart from the grandchildren, who were to be competed for.
That's the issue I see here. I find it sad that some on here, mums of boys it mainly seems, are taking the trouble to go on about what would hypothetically be 'their' child's rights in this situation. Godammit, can't you see that the one thing that would be most likely to see you pushed out when it comes to your hypothetical future family is taking that attitude, that you are there to fight for YOUR child!
What I applaud are the people who just don't think like this, who see their children's partners as an equal part of the new next generation that they love in their own right. The kind of mothers who become cherished grandmothers are the ones who say 'Sorry, I'm not thinking so much of my son here - it's my darling DIL who's going through the birth!' Or, 'Sorry, I'm not thinking so much of my daughter here - it's my darling SIL who has the broken leg/appendicitis/who is working the 70hour week' (delete as appropriate).
These are the grandparents who have it right. Their attitude supports the next generation, as a family in their own right, rather than working against it at some level. They have the maturity to accept that their own parenthood is now secondary to their child and child-in-law's. They are the grandparents whose name is never a source of conflict in their grandchildren's home. They are the ones who are loved and turned to, and it doesn't matter whose parent they happen to be.
Sorry cricketballs, but yes!
Ever heard the phrase 'with rights come responsibilities'?
I think the poster that said that was trying to make the point that it's a bit rich for an expectant father to jump up and start banging on about his 'rights' to influence how the birth is undertaken for HIS peace of mind, and then back out of the room whimpering when the nasty scary old instruments start coming out!
If it's your view that the father - and by extension his mum, because you persist in seeing this issue as one of familial competition despite the OP saying that she wants her MIL not told simply because her MIL is a pain - if it's your view that the father to be is EQUALLY a part of the process, is EQUALLY 'at the centre' of the birth then no, he does not get to be 'not comfortable' with the icky bits - the other parent can't get up off the bed and say 'ooh sorry I'm not up for this bit' - so neither should he!
But a good dad-to-be knows that and simply wouldn't think in a million years of waiting until his wife was undergoing unpleasant bits of the birth process and then decide to pop off for some 'support' from his mum and leave her to it. A good birth partner wouldn't think that his feelings at that point were a priority.
This thread has become about what the OP isn't - familial competition. It's not hard to smell the fear in the posts of the mums of boys here, and I think that that is really sad, and just not necessary. Bottom line - no, it isn't the same knowing that your daughter is giving birth as knowing that your son is watching his wife/partner give birth. The latter doesn't involve the irrational but naked fear that it will be your child who dies during the process or who ends up permanently damaged. Or the agony that you know your child is in pain, perhaps frightened, and there's nothing you can (or should) do about it. Anyone trying to equate the two just makes themselves look desperate and unreasonable.
I find it bizarre that on this thread some people are putting more effort into denying the realities of biology in order to convince themselves that they are an equal grandparent, rather than simply fostering relationships with the next generation - their son and wife, or daughter and husband - which will ensure that they do indeed become as central and as loved as anyone else in the family.
Growing up I do not remember any feeling of one set of grandparents being more involved or central than the other. My mother called her MIL 'mum'. As I could see it, tensions - and there were plenty! - arose not from whose child was whose and whose side someone was on, but just from individual personalities. So, a normal bickering old family, but thank God, one where at least key members hadn't started out from the basic, fatal premise that there were two teams, and everyone was on one of them, apart from the grandchildren, who were to be competed for.
That's the issue I see here. I find it sad that some on here, mums of boys it mainly seems, are taking the trouble to go on about what would hypothetically be 'their' child's rights in this situation. Godammit, can't you see that the one thing that would be most likely to see you pushed out when it comes to your hypothetical future family is taking that attitude, that you are there to fight for YOUR child!
What I applaud are the people who just don't think like this, who see their children's partners as an equal part of the new next generation that they love in their own right. The kind of mothers who become cherished grandmothers are the ones who say 'Sorry, I'm not thinking so much of my son here - it's my darling DIL who's going through the birth!' Or, 'Sorry, I'm not thinking so much of my daughter here - it's my darling SIL who has the broken leg/appendicitis/who is working the 70hour week' (delete as appropriate).
These are the grandparents who have it right. Their attitude supports the next generation, as a family in their own right, rather than working against it at some level. They have the maturity to accept that their own parenthood is now secondary to their child and child-in-law's. They are the grandparents whose name is never a source of conflict in their grandchildren's home. They are the ones who are loved and turned to, and it doesn't matter whose parent they happen to be.
Anyway- all that's seocndary. People, I REPEAT - the OP wants to not tell her MIL because her MIL is a drama queen. Not because she is her MIL and therefore to be vanquished. I think that's sensible. If the OP was saying 'I don't want to tell my sister/my mum/my hairdresser because she's a drama queen', people would be saying fine. It is fine.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
i have a boy and would expect him to inform dils mother first as it is her daughter who is doing the labouring. mother daughter relationships are not the same as mil/dil relationships.
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small boy has just added his input there... wonder if he is agreeing?
yanbu. and I hop that things have started naturally, I am still on post 100 and not got to the end of the thread yet 
Wow! I didn't realise this would cause such a divide. I think SardineQueen summed up my decision by saying:
"cricketballs so you think that while OP is in labour and if she is finding things difficult, her partner should be out in the corridor getting support on the phone from his mum?
Bleeding heck."
Any emotions DP is going through I'd gladly take instead of having to go through an induced labour and birth... I really think I have the right to be selfish in this situation, I was asking incase I'm resented by MIL for the rest of my life, which from some peoples posts, could well be the case! I think a father has rights over a baby, but he doesn't have the right to tell people about what medical treatment I'm recieving. Just because you're struggling with something someone has shared with you, surely that doesn't give you the right to talk to whoever you want about it just because you can't deal with it yourself?
I would be lying if I said it is 100% based on the fact my mums useful and MIL is an interfering so-and-so. It's a massive massive factor, I know she'll be googling the fact I'm having things shoved up my bits and telling everyone on facebook about it (she put on there I was having a sweep!! because I wanted her second cousin knowing a midwife was shoving her hand up my bits at 10am on friday). But it's also the fact that my mum, is my mum. I need her to be nearby for emotional back up, just to know she's not a million miles away.
My real issue is the fact that tomorrow is my 21st birthday, so MIL is coming over to drop off my card etc, and so when she asks what we're doing today, it will be an outright lie, rather than just switching my phone off. I wasn't going to tell her originally until I actually went down to the delivery suite, as I really don't want her knowing all the ins and outs of my labour, especially as induced labours tend to be longer, more painful and more complicated. but the fact that I know well in advance, I'm not just not telling her, I'm actually lying!
This is too much to think about when I'm having a bloody baby tomorrow!
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Hey good luck for tomorrow and happy birthday as well! Take lots of magazines and books, all will be fine, how exciting you're having a baby!!!
Just lie to your MIL and deal with any fallout later. Or better still, get your DH to!
Really good luck 
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