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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL I'm being induced?

228 replies

rooks14 · 12/08/2011 15:00

If I were to go into labour naturally, the plan was for me and DP to go to the hospital, if I'm going to be admitted, phone my mum who lives 5 hours away, she'll drive up and clean my house/ do some washing/ get some shopping in while she waits, then when I'm getting close, tell DP's mum, my mum wouldd go and pick up DP's mum on the way to the hospital to see us/collect us with baby!

I'm now 10 days overdue, and am going to be induced on sunday night. MIL is a bit of a worrier, and I know she'd tell EVERYONE that I'm in labour, cue a million unwanted phone calls and status updates. She also works in the medical profession losely and so would practically be wanting to check how dialated I am herself/over analysing every thing that happened/ rubbing my belly all the damn time! (Sorry bit of a rant about belly groping!) It's all a personal thing that i'm really worried about labour and just don't want everyone knowing all the details of how long it was/how many stitches I had etc etc.

Do you think it's really unfair to not tell MIL I'm being induced on sunday? My mum is so calm and I know she'll be usefull and not over beariing, hence why she's staying for a few days! I was thinnking about getting DP to call her when I'm giong into the delivery suite, but it seems out of order that my mum will know and even though we know this far in advance it will be sunday, she won't find out till about an hour before?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 20:39

Well for eg

Sometimes the hosp have a lot of emergencies on and procedures are postponed.

So OP might go in for induction and then not actually be induced. So will go home again and have to deal with the calls etc. She can't unplug her landline indefinitely.

Or sometimes induction takes a long time. Will MIL be wanting to visit before things actually kick off? Will she be wanting frequent updates and get upset if she doesn;t get them

etc etc

And so this is why the OP doesn't want to tell her - which is her choice to make I think.

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 20:52

What MadamDeathstare (love the name btw) said.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 20:53

Sorry, her last but one post.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 20:54

I am sure her son will do whatever needs to be done to keep her happy. I'm sure he wouldn't "vanish for days" and not ring her. That would be a bit strange.

I don't understand how it seems so many people on this thread think that this situation is all about the baby, whereas when people I love give birth my forst concern is for them. Which maybe shows up why there is a different attitude. It's not all about the baby. The main person is the OP, she is the one giving birth.

MrsBananaGrabber · 12/08/2011 20:55

See this is the kind of topic that makes me feel like I'm on a different planet. I have been married for coming up to 11 years, I have given birth 3 times under different circumstances each time, one being on the other side of the world and not at any point could I envisage saying to my DH, 'listen this is what we are doing, I'm telling my mum but you aren't telling yours until it's over, ok' number one, I wouldn't be so mean to my MIL and number two, my DH would think I had gone crazy and I'm sure I would go down in his estimation.

My DH phones his mum to talk things over, moving, work ect, I wouldn't dream of telling him that he couldn't tell his own mother something so so important, I think it's odd.

I have two DS ( and a DD) and I get that some women like their mother with them when they give birth, totally normal and fine, but not even a phone call to MIL, I thinks it's awful and upsetting for the MIL and I think it could affect the DIL, MIL relationship in the long run, and for what, a phone call.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 20:56

I have one DS and one DD. If my DS ever has DC of his own then I just want to know when the baby has been born. I don't care if his DW's mum knows when she's been induced (if that was the case)

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4madboys · 12/08/2011 21:01

yes people keep saying that mums of boys should think about if it was them in the future, and quite frankly i wont care as long as they call me and let me know when baby has arrived and as long as they are BOTH well then that will be enough for me! ditto with my dd, if she wants my input great, i will always be there for all my kids but they can come to me, i wont be forcing myself on them.

the mil sounds like the kind of person who will either phone the labour ward and annoy staff, or even try to turn up at the hospital as she is so close.

in my case i didnt tell my mil and other family members on both sides as i knew they would worry, far better to just phone them and say baby is here, all well :)

evenlessnarkypuffin · 12/08/2011 21:01

If the MIL is intefering, lives 20 minutes away and is liable to turn up at the hospital I'd not tell her.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 21:15

you have said it so eloquently mrsbanabanagrabber thank you!

also; how does the op really know how the mil will react other than guessing?

4madboys · 12/08/2011 21:18

maybe the same way that you know how your family will react to something? because they are your family and you know them? because she has form for being interfering/worrying/fussing etc its not rocket science surely?

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:26

Thinking about it, surely it will be worse to tell the MIL that the OP is being induced and then switch the phone off and not let her know what's going on.

If people know that an induction is happening you can't break contact with them IYSWIM.

If the OP really doesn't want her MIL to know and feels this will adversely affect her when she is in labour/giving birth, then the logical answer according to many on here is that she not tell her own mother. Is that what people seriously think she should do?

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 21:32

God forbid she might actually be concerned or interested in her own son

Yes,Yes I know hes not the one giving birth

TheSecondComing · 12/08/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 12/08/2011 21:35

There seem to be some who think the MIL is more important than the OP.

usualsuspect · 12/08/2011 21:37

I don't think shes more important

But clearly family means more to some than others

MightyQuim · 12/08/2011 21:38

YANBU. Whatever causes less stress for you. And I think your mum should consider hiring herself out to expectant mums - she sounds fab!

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:38

I don't understand.

The MIL is nearby. It is her mother who is 5 hours away.

Do people genuinely think the OP should not tell her own mother that she is going to be in this situation?

I don't understand how people think that a parent would have the same concern for a son sitting in hospital, as for a daughter in labour and giving birth?

For my parents their primary concern was that I would be safe, I am their daughter. I don't get why people don't understand that.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:39

Anyone who thinks that a person's relationship with their MIL should be the same as their relationship with their mother definitely has some very strange ideas about family, yes.

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 21:41

Same relationship with the baby, yes.

Same relationship with the OP? No.

Seems that many on this thread see the OP as nothing more than a vessel to produce a grandchild. I feel for their future DILs TBH.

cricketballs · 12/08/2011 21:44

at no point have I thought that the op as a vessel just that there is another person involved in the birth of their child - the father and with him his family whether or not the op likes them or not they are there and just as important

MightyQuim · 12/08/2011 21:45

But if one parent is super helpful and one is a pain in the arse it's only natural that one will be wanted around more than the other.