How much time does your DH spend with the children (without you) on average per week?

[ErinH]

I'm curious as to the average time DHs or DPs spend with their children over the course of a week. Particularly for those SAHMs who wouldn't otherwise get a break. I'm trying to take into account that everyone works different hours doing a wide variety of jobs. I have 2 boys under 3 and a half (the oldest at nursery 3 mornings a week - but on school holidays now, and the youngest at home full-time). I'm a SAHM and am struggling to cope at the moment with both boys 7 days a week. My DH last took both boys out for 3 hours (without me) in March. AIBU to insist he gives me a regular break. (although I guess once every six months is consistent if not regular!) ???

Can I just point out that taking the kids out so you can do the house doesn't count

I cannot believe the stories on here. The sheer selfishness of some of these dads, not only to not relieve their wives but to clearly not actually want to spend time with their children. It astounds me.

Also, while your partners are 'working long hours' what the fuck do they think you are doing with your time?

DH owns his own business so has lots of work flexibility. He generally gets up early with both kids for an hour or two so I can sleep off the broken night but he doesn't get home until after bedtime so that's it Mon-Fri. On weekends he might take DS1 out for a few hours and generally mucks in with everything. I'm BF DS2 so breaks are hard to come by but I do get some respite.

We've just changed roles but DH has been a SAHD.

I didn't take her out on my own much. Weekends we would go out as a family. If DH was obviously tired or needed a break I would send him out to the cinema or a walk, send him to bed when DD napped or if I was around for a class (rarely) I would take her. I would have to insist on these breaks as he hated being away.

I didn't like the majority of SAHMs on here expect him to do extra housework, just try and keep the house in order from the days activity, but the extra cleaning stuff and evening washing/tidying we did together unless I was working late.

same as me. or possibly a bit more. but we are lucky in both having flexible working hours. During term time we pick up from school 2 days each (one is a busy, take them to activities day, one is a quiet one). DH is slightly more likely than me to take them to ther stuff - he takes them climbing and to museums. and more likely than me to chill put watching rubbish tv/playing wii with them (which they really appreciate, even if it's rubbishy, iyswim)

I am a SAHM and DH works away from home 4 days a week. Most weekends he will take DD1 (2) out swimming, sometimes shopping too, so 2-4 hours for her. DD2 is 4.5 months and EBF, and he hasn't really had any time with her alone. Or with both girls without me for that matter.

I think maybe he should take them both out sometimes, to see how hard it can be dealing with an active toddler and baby together. Though with my luck, they'll behave impeccably and he won't see what all the fuss is about.

DP has just started a new job & we are staying with my parents temporarily, so routines are a bit up in the air... At the moment he gets up with her for about 45 minutes before he has to leave in the morning, & comes home about 2 hours before bedtime. He will generally play with her before supper, he does bath & reads her stories. Before we moved he took her out every Saturday morning but we are not in the routine at the moment. He rarely looks after her for a full day on his own but I rarely ask.

Bit funny with us - we both work full time, so only about an hour between getting home and bedtime, so we both spend this time with him normally. Dp happy to play with him if i need to do washing or whatever though.

He looks after him on sat morning when i have driving lesson, and takes him out without me maybe every other weekend? For hour or so? This weekend he's taking him to see his family, they'll prob be about 3 hrs, am going shopping with my mum!

Normally though, we spend it all together, as we both see so little of him during the week :(

During term time - none. I'm a SAHM with school age children.

During school hols I diary days off for myself (3 over this 7 week holiday). I go out while dh supervises the children. He doesn't actually do anything with them though, just sits on the computer while the kids amuse themselves. I'd prefer it if he took the kids out for the day. That way he'd actually be spending some time interacting with them and I could relax and enjoy some peace at home.

Dh spends all of Saturday morning with dd. He gets her up, does breakfast, washes and dresses then they go and do their activity together. I booked this activity for them because dh would prioritise other things and leave me always holding the baby so I got peed off and took action. Pre dc2, I used this time to go to the gym. now I go to coffee shop and read paper with dc2 (newborn).

My dm thinks dh is a saint because he does his fair share of parenting. I frequently tell her that he was there at the conception so he can jolly well be there at the child raising and that includes having quality time with his kids.

Nope. Still staggered! Because now we've got a whole load of people saying they're lucky because they get a couple of hours here and there.

I am very lucky, I think. We have 3 girls, 5.8, 4.0, 2.4. Eldest girl has a disability (attends Special School) and is very hyperactive.

During term-time weekdays, I have the girls alone from 7-9, 3-6.30. DH gets up with them at 05.00 (DD1 doesn't sleep well) and keeps them entertained until 6.45. But DH is home 9.30-3.00. During that time, he will look after DD3 if I need to go somewhere. So I suppose just under 2 hours.

Saturdays/Sundays around 2.5- 3.5 hours in the morning so I can catch up on sleep (less sleep=more migraine).

During the holidays, there are some days when I have them 6.30-17.30, but others when he is home all day to help.

I think he does a lot, tbh.

DH spends the same amount of time with DS as I do. I don't work Mondays, DS goes to CM for three days, then DH works from home on Fridays. I drop DS at the CM in the mornings and DH picks him up.

We mostly spend the weekend together but one of us might go out for a run, or pop out to the shops.

The only major time each of us gets to ourself is when we're at work.

It shouldn't be "luck" that a man pulls his weight with his own children when he is at home. If he is "entitled" to free time down the pub, or on his computer, watching football, playing golf or whatever, then we should be "entitled" to time in lieu. How is anything else fair?
And how is it OK that the poster above is expected to manage three kids on her own full-time, but her H couldn't possibly be expected to have all of them at once. So he gets a medal for taking one or two of them out at a time??

Quite a bit due to our opposite work shifts. Dh does nights and is with them from when he wakes up at 2.00pm (holidays) or 3pm (term time). I get in at 6.00pm and every other evening I get out for about 90 mins to run. He gets out the other evenings to cycle. Weekends we're all together for activities.

One a month or so I get away for an overnight with girlfriends. Once a month or so he'll go to the local pub.

When they were young we usually did baths & bedtime together.

If we went out as a family we often looked after one child each.

But as a rule, when he was there, they both wanted him so he would do the looking after.

So weekends/holidays were usually his time to be with/look after them with me relaxing helping if need be.

Gets them breakfast every morning before work. Every evening if he gets home in time will put them to bed. At weekends - I don't really need to ask - he'll take them to cinema, park, walks in woods. Loves hanging out with them. I get lie on saturday - he gets lie in on sunday.

If either of us are extra tired or stressed - then we try to help each other and may take on more. Sometimes he is extra busy at work so he might not see the kids all week in the evenings. But he will make up for it at the weekends. I trust him implicitly to do as good a job as me.

We are flexible with each other and don't think in terms of women's work or man's work. I couldn't respect him if he thought in cliched terms about 'roles'.

That said, its taken years for us to work out how to get the right balance and we accept that when the children are young are roles are slightly more polarised - for example - he can't breastfeed. But once babes hit 1 year then they are both our responsibility. I want my daughters and sons to expect the same from their relationships when they are older.

Not much less than me, although I work PT and he is FT. He starts very early in the mornings, so on work days I do the morning/school routine before I go to work. But he finishes in time for the DCs evening meal, so he often cooks it and then usually spends an hour or so playing with them before he does their baths and bedtime routine. I do help with it all too and am 'there', but he generally takes over a bit as I always do mornings (which is fine by me

At weekends we sometimes take turns having a lie in so the other one then does all the DC stuff that morning. Then quite often I will go out shopping or for a coffee with a friend/family member while he stays at home with the DC. And just as often, he will go out to a sporting event on his own, so it's all pretty even probably. He is Mr Perfect though

When I had DD1 my life changed completely, at any moment, no matter what I was doing I might be called upon to care for someone else.

DH had a fortnight off work during which he caught up on a lot of DIY, as he put it you can't just stare at them all day.

What he did n't realise was that the only way he could disappear off to the shed was because I was close by to feed/pick up/sort out the baby when it cried. And of course you have no idea whether this would be in 2 minutes or 52.

DH never realised how exhausting the nagging responsibility that being constantly in charge can be. He is a kind man but just never got it. He'd start looking after them but if they were quiet he'd drift off down the garden or get on with a job that needed a good three hours to complete. Once again I would be responsible since I was 'only' having a bath or reading the paper or he'd jump at the chance to take the dog for a walk and combine it with 6 other errands.

I am still bitter about how he treated me and how the issue was never solved calmly but used to envolve a minor break down every 4 months.

When it goes wrong, it does go wrong. When DD1 was 4 years I had to be emitted to hospital with a suspect brain tumour, kept in over night, scanned etc. DH was worried about me and utterly hopeless. Brought the kids to the hospital with nothing, no toys, nappies, food, charged mobiile phone etc. So even at that point, I was pressurised into 'organising' the family and discharging myself inorder to to go to one of his families wedding.
The conclusion was the whole thing was brought on by stress.

It is easier now DDs are 6 & 4 but unless I book myself into something out of the home environment I still end up worling 24/7 and DH always trys to involve other friends so that actually other mothers have to remember snacks etc.

Well that's all about me, did n't realise I was still so angry. Organise something, if they don't volunteer and you're always there build something firmly into the weekend eg he always has them saturday pm.

"I cannot believe the stories on here. The sheer selfishness of some of these dads, not only to not relieve their wives but to clearly not actually want to spend time with their children. It astounds me."

I agree.

And the poster who mentioned she gets a break when she goes to do her cleaning job?

Fuck that for a laugh.

That's the most depressing thing I've heard all week.

Is this what women dreamed of when they were girls and dreaming about their future DCs? If not, when did their expectations of what is a "good dad" and "good husband" (because in my view, it's not possible to only one) lower so fucking much?

You do realise not all relationships are like this, don't you? Not all dads are like this?

What kind of lesson are you teaching your daughters about life if you put up with this scenario?

God, my heart bleeds for the DDs of these relationships, if that's the closest model for male-female interaction that they'll be modelling themselves on.

Prob about the same as me as we both work full time...actually, I nip out to the gym a few times per week to maybe a bit more than I do!!

I do voluntary work, DH works full time.

He does story time/hanging out with ds every evening after tea for about 1 1/2 hours.

DH does the shopping and takes ds with him, if he has to pop out for errands when he's at home he usually takes ds with him.

If we're not doing stuff as a family on a weekend he will take ds out into town or for a trip to a nature park or something.

Plus they've just come back from a week together in the US to spend with dh's parents.

We both have a nice balance of our own time. And when ds2 arrives I'm sure he'll take them both out, he's their dad and my partner after all! I mean that's surely the basic level of partnership and parenting!

I remember when DS was about 4 days old, standing in the middle of the dining room sobbing my heart out. I spluttered to DH that the sheer reality of having this thing (DS, light of my life, apple of my eye etc...) toally and utterly dependent on me for the next however many years was hitting home. How I'd never be able to go anywhere on my own or without a changing bag, sob, sob, splutter, spray....
DS had just been (breast) fed so DH booted me out the door to go to my friend's sans baby, changing bag etcc and promised to call me if I was needed. That couple of hours made all the difference as it crystallised, for us, that it wasn't all down to me but that we were in it together. Vital for my sanity, even though in practice, when DH was at work, I was managing most of it. And if he wanted to go out and play squash or something, he'd go to Tescos first, with DS in his carseat (loved going out shopping) to allow me time to do nothing get on with things.