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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much time does your DH spend with the children (without you) on average per week?

167 replies

ErinH · 10/08/2011 19:20

I'm curious as to the average time DHs or DPs spend with their children over the course of a week. Particularly for those SAHMs who wouldn't otherwise get a break. I'm trying to take into account that everyone works different hours doing a wide variety of jobs. I have 2 boys under 3 and a half (the oldest at nursery 3 mornings a week - but on school holidays now, and the youngest at home full-time). I'm a SAHM and am struggling to cope at the moment with both boys 7 days a week. My DH last took both boys out for 3 hours (without me) in March. AIBU to insist he gives me a regular break. (although I guess once every six months is consistent if not regular!) ???

OP posts:
GrownUpNow · 10/08/2011 19:49

My DP, who is not my DCs father, takes them to the local soft play whilst I do the weekly shop, so a couple of hours off there. He also takes charge of evenings when my DD messes around and lets me sit downstairs while he deals with her. He'll watch them while I go out in the evening or to let me go and do stuff in the day at the weekend. He also takes them out to the park or to play football if I ask. He's pretty good to be honest, he works hard five days a week, often works extra in the evenings, but is still prepared to support me in some time to myself also.

I don't often get a lie in, but I don't mind that. He deserves to sleep as long as he wants at the weekend. I know he's got my back if I really need it.

UsingMainlySpoons · 10/08/2011 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskyatnight · 10/08/2011 19:53

DH very rarely takes the children out without me (partly because we prefer to go out as a family). But he does look after them at home while I go out (e.g. for a run or to meet friends) and it's pretty common for us all to be at home but one of us actively involved with the DC and the other doing something else.

DH does say that as he works away from home all week he likes to be at home at the weekends. But there's no reason why you can't all be at home and you still having a break.

ellmum · 10/08/2011 19:55

I'm a SAHM. DH hasn't spent any time with DD without me since January. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a couple of hours to myself, but to be honest I'd probably spend most of it wondering if I was missing out on anything! I would love it if DH would give DD breakfast once in a while. Just doesn't happen. We've had a difficult year though, with DH being ill, so I think we've got into a routine where he puts himself first and I sort out everything else. I should think that will change once he's better.

Chestnutx3 · 10/08/2011 19:57

I've realised I just have to arrange to go out or ring up the in laws and arrange for the rest of the family to go to theirs one day at the weekend while I'm at home.

It was leading me to get seriously depressed being a SAHM for years with preschoolers without a break. I try and have 2 hours off at least to myself on saturday. I think its really important psychologically to have time alone each week.

However, from September the eldest starts school and the rest are in pre-school so for the first time in years I will have time to myself. It seems to take forever to get to this point but I can't quite realise that for several hours of the day a few days a week I will have no children to responsible for.

wompoopigeon · 10/08/2011 19:57

I think the best approach is to find the activities you want to do and book them in, rather than vaguely fretting about wanting more time.
For example, DH has DD every Sunday morning because I go to an exercise class, and he has to come home early once a month so I can go to book group. Find whatever floats your boat eg Zumba every Sat morning, and just do it, otherwise it never seems to happen.
I completely empathise about the holiday thing!

zelda1982 · 10/08/2011 20:00

Practically none. He may "watch" them if i run to shops (less than 15 mins) or while i have a bath/shower (though they usually follow me up). Other than that none. Makes me sad actually, i think my brother spends more time with them (though im there too as i dont trust him lol) but he will play with them etc where as dp rarely does.

queenmaeve · 10/08/2011 20:01

I work 2.5 days, dh works full time. We are both off for 8 weeks in summer so he spends a lot more time with dc then. But average week.

Thurs evening I am out at craft class so he's on his own.
Fri dh takes older 2 to swimming lessons
Sat mornings I usually go for coffee or shopping so dh has them. Then on Sat afternoon he takes 3 of them to football practice and I have 2 wee ones.

GhoulLasher · 10/08/2011 20:01

I have 2 girls aged 7 and 3 and I work from home whilst DH works 4 or 5 night shifts.

He will take them to the park and cafe about once a week for maybe 2 or 3 hours....he also plays in he garen with them...not every day but every oter maybe?

Your DH needs to buck up! They won't know him!

GingerWrath · 10/08/2011 20:04

I have plenty of time to myself during term time. I am finding the hols hard. DH does the bath and story while I clean the kitchen from tea.

He takes her swimming on a Sunday while I do the weekly shop but that's just about it!

LolaRennt · 10/08/2011 20:05

None (except one afternoon when she was 6 weeks),
dd is 6 months old and I am a SAHM.

5GoMadOnAZ650 · 10/08/2011 20:08

About 7 hours a week, I go to a Zumba class on a Monday, netball training on a Tuesday and then the village bingo on a Friday. Dp gets about the same "free" time atm.

xmyboys · 10/08/2011 20:09

Mine is only when I make him take them for a few hours on Sunday afternoon, so I can then do some paperwork.

I agree with an earlier poster - it's the sad part that DP doesn't want to spend time with them. They are gorgeous and lot's of fun and he could have a ball with them if he wanted to - he usually ends up taking them to a shopping centre so he can have a coffee and they can be bored play.
They adore there dad and soon will realise how little effort he puts into them. I am not denying he works hard as he does, but he certainly has enough time for his friends and hobbies, I don't want to stop that but I think the balance is not right.
SORE POINT -RANT OVER!

BsshBossh · 10/08/2011 20:10

Well DH and I both work FT so weekends are spent together as a family but when I was on mat leave for a year DH gave me every Sunday off to do what I wanted without DD.

BsshBossh · 10/08/2011 20:12

Even now he'll take DD to the park or play in the garden if I'm busy, simply because he adores her and is desperate to spend more time with her.

Floopy21 · 10/08/2011 20:12

An hour or two tops. On a Sunday when I insist. DD is 7.5m.

BsshBossh · 10/08/2011 20:13

wompoopigeon, excellent idea!

Bumperlicious · 10/08/2011 20:17

Dh looks after the dd's (4 and 11 months) for 3 days a week and on the one day a week we have off we share lie-ins and breaks. Even when I was on maternity leave on his days off he would often take the children to his mum's for the day. If i want to go out he will look after them. I don't think I'm lucky. I think it's his job. And so does he.

TheBride · 10/08/2011 20:21

Quite a lot to be fair to him, and getting better as he gets more confident and DS is doing more (DS is nearly 1).

I would say 4 hours one-on-one a week (but DS is asleep when DH leaves for and returns from work, so actually, given number of hours available, he's not bad.) He is also the poo-nappy champion at weekends.

I agree about activities. DH better when I can say 'go to Gymboree with DS' rather than if I just say 'play with him'

However, on balance he is probably the more natural parent of the two of us- has more patience for sure.

Besom · 10/08/2011 20:21

He looks after her every weekday morning while I'm at work and will usually take her somewhere for a few hours at the weekend - swimming or something. DD is lucky she spends a lot of time with him. He and I sometimes seem like ships in the night, however.

mousesma · 10/08/2011 20:23

DD 13 months and I am a SAHM at the moment but due to start work 3 days a week soon.
Currently DH gets up with DD at 5am every morning and plays with her until 630am when he has to go to work Mon-Fri and until 8/9ish at weekends so that I can have a lie in.
He also does all bath and bedtimes, takes DD for a walk to the shops on saturday morning and will play with her if I am busy doing dinner or such like.

clam · 10/08/2011 20:24

I'm staggered by the posts on this thread. So little 1:1 parenting done by so many dads. And so many mums whose only "time off" from their DCs is spent either at work or cleaning.
Why don't people share out any leisure time fairly between the two of you? Why do women accept all this as the norm?

twinklypearls · 10/08/2011 20:26

I am not a SAHM.

He is with her when I go to work until she goes to school so from 7am until 9am. He is then with her after school until I finish work - from 3:30 until 6pm.
On a Saturday or Sunday he will take her out for a few hours so I can do some marking or planning.

So about 25 hours a week during term time.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/08/2011 20:27

Quite a lot, but only while I'm at work, his hours fit around school day so he does drop off and pick up. I often work evenings and weekends, too.

In the holidays I'm in charge (I'm a teacher).

TheBride · 10/08/2011 20:27

Clam- in our case it's because DH works at least 12, often 15 hour days, and will frequently pop in Saturday afternoons as well. I am a SAHM. I do get a lot of time off in the week though, so I think it's fair that DH gets some 'me' time at weekends, although I'm encouraged to see that increasingly he wants to spend most of his time with DS. Long may it last Grin

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