not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

[threedollars]

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

Keep it quiet, use it for the children. YANBU

PGCE

I can't see any realistic prospect of your DH not finding out about the money at some point. You have agreed on "no secrets" and if you keep this from him, I think you're not in a position to take the moral high ground about him keeping things from you.

Unlike a lot of the posters here I do have some sympathy for your DH. An ex of mine had his own business which failed and it was a truly awful time. Plenty of businesses fail through bad luck. It's not always down to incompetence. My ex did change direction and set up a new business and I think it turned out OK for him, but that's not always the case and it's not something he should decide to do on his own without you completely "on board".

Lots of people here are encouraging you to go for the PGCE. Before you do that, I'd suggest you research long and hard about the job prospects. Where we live, there are hardly any jobs for NQ teachers.

I'm also surprised how many people are suggesting that for your children to come into money at 18 is a bad idea. I think it depends on the child. I inherited some money at 18 and didn't touch it for 5 years. Eventually I used it as a deposit on a flat and I'd never have been able to buy a flat without that money.

Best of luck

redwineformethanks I'm also surprised how many people are suggesting that for your children to come into money at 18 is a bad idea. I think it depends on the child. I inherited some money at 18 and didn't touch it for 5 years. Eventually I used it as a deposit on a flat and I'd never have been able to buy a flat without that money.

I think is depends on financial circumstances. I got some money when I was 18 but apart from that I was very poor living with a very poor family. I started paying rent at 16 (even though in full time education at school!) and had to borrow the money off of the money that I knew I was going to get at 18 to pay for the rent/my food/my travel/clothes/college course/equipment for course. So a lot of mine was spent before I had even got it. If my parents had been even slightly comfortably off I wouldn't have had to do that. If the OP doesn't get herself a career she may find her dcs in the same position.

good post eyebrows. I also think that £5K isn't going to be anything like enough for a deposit on a property when they get to 18 - it isn't enough now! I think it would be more like spending money when they get it, a chance to splash out and get some nice things - but you need it now, one way or another.

I think you'd be mad not to go for your PGCE this year if you have an offer, next year you are looking at £9k not £3k and you'll get bursaries and grants probably.

Why thank you springdaffs

you're welcome

Is this a plot for a chicklit book?

Not read whole thread yet, so apologies if i repeat what's been said.

In your position, I would see a solicitor and find out where you stand legally in terms of keeping this money in your own name. I think that the people your husband owes money to can't access it, but I am not 100% certain.

I would be a bit wary of spending it on a PGCE. I am a former teacher, and getting a job is not easy when you live in the arse end of nowhere. It is easier if you live, or can travel to, a big town or city. Nice schools in good areas don't have a huge number of jobs coming up. Whether you are employable will also depend, to a degree, upon the subject you intend to teach.

I would be more inclined to do what a poster suggested earlier and put £8000 away for the dc in something that cannot be accessed by anyone (including the bank, as they have been known to take children's assets to pay parental overdrafts) and keep a little back as a financial cushion in your own name.

I would tell my dh. I think he is likely to find out from someone in the family and you cannot live in fear of someone slipping up and mentioning it. I also think there should be honesty in a marriage. You were hurt by him keeping things from you, to do the same to him would be wrong (even though I fully understand why you want to).

If you do tell him, then you will have to stand strong and also say that you are not prepared to let him spend this cash. All the time he owes other people money, he wouldn't be able to start up again anyway and you don't want it sucked into his debt. There will be rows that result from this but remember it is your inheritance to decide, not his. I think you will have to ride out the storm and if he doesn't respect your right to protect this money for your children's future, then the marriage is in trouble anyway and money is just a highlighter to that fact.

He will have to mentally adjust to the fact that the days are gone when he got to make the final decision. You are holding this family together, so have every right to say no to unreasonable demands for your inheritance.

I think secrets in a marriage are corrosive. I think you should tell your DH about the inheritance but be prepared to stand firm about how it will be used. He breached trust massively when he hid your financial woes from you, but your relationship won't gain from you being similarly secretive about money, however good your motives.

I'd put the money somewhere where it cannot be touched for 12 months. Then I would tell him.

Do not be emotionally blackmailed into bailing him out. He cleary cannot run his own business as he always fails.

Think of you and the children and their needs, he has never put you first about time you did.

"He cleary cannot run his own business as he always fails."

I think you're misinterpreting things here.

The OP has only mentioned one business which has failed, and although he did a lot of dishonest thing to keep it afloat, it was all for the one business, and it seems to be that business on which he is fixated now. In fact, that seems to be the problem: he cannot get his mind away from that one business, and that is why he cannot he trusted to go back into business. It would be the same business which failed, and for which the OP believes the market has gone. If he were able to even consider a different business, it would be a mark that his psychological problems are receding.

However, sadly, as he's now in a salaried job in the same sector, it seems unlikely that he will break away of his own accord, at least for a while. Anyway, it is not his "turn" again yet.... OP, you changing direction can do more to help snap him out of his fixation than anything else, so whatever you do, it has to be honest.

What he doesen't know won't hurt him! After all if you did tell him about it,he might manage to pursuade you to part with it.