not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

[threedollars]

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

would you not get help with childcare though, from tax credits, if yo were a student, plus WTC as your wages went down? The PGCE would be an investment in your career and maybe not as unobtainable as you think?

Choogirl he hid money (lack of money), from me though. To the tune of a lot more than ten grand. He didn't have our DCs interests at heart when he used our family money to prop up his business and they lost their home and had to move schools and areas.

It was important to him that he be the provider. He's lost his identity now and is working to build a new one which I really applaud him for. But if he took this 10k it'd vanish into the black hole of our finances. He couldn't start another business, it wouldn't be possible. His lying is why I don't trust him, not because his business failed.

Nettletea - you think its fair that someone has 10k in savings and still receives benefits?

There's no way that you should be making decisions at the moment - let it lie, and lie with it.

Damn, lost my post. I'll summarise.

1. Put the money away in a way that neither DH nor your mother can talk you out of it. Make a non-discretionary trust Whether you or DC are beneficiaries is up to you. Happy to expand further, but this basically means DH cannot access, or guilt-trip you into accessing, funds.

This also protects it from creditors, by the way.

2. Then tell him. Because it strikes me that the two of you can't recover this relationship unless you do. Partly because of the trust thing - if he's honest so are you. But also because at the moment his ego, ambition, desire is still coming first, and you're intimidated by that. Your posts read like there are only two options: hide/lie about the money, or give him the money to do what he wants with against your wishes. Option Three: tell him about the money, weigh up the pros and cons of keeping it for DC or investing in your training, doesn't seem to feel realistic to you.

So there's a power inbalance there, still, and no wonder you still resent him if you still feel like he wants to put his desires over the family fortunes again. And I also note something you haven't articulated; you made a LOT of sacrifices while he was setting up the business. Now you've lost the chance for it to be your turn. If 10K could set up the business again, and it worked, which as you know is a total pipe dream, that actually means he's condemning you to several more years of holidays alone and whatnot, right?

So. I think you need to tell him after you lock the money away in a trust precisely because it's so critical, and so indicative of whether your relationship can actually endure. He might pleasantly surprise you, you know. Your resentment might be leading you to be too pessimistic about his reaction. But you have to find out.

Also one other point - how about doing a [http://www.tda.gov.uk/get-into-teaching/teacher-training-options/gtp.aspx GTP] rather than a PGCE? You come out with the same qualification (NQT) but you GET PAID whilst doing it. Which is splendid. It may be worth looking into to see if it's available in your area and if you can get a school to take you on.

Good luck.

Oh bum my link went tits up - here it is GTP

I would agree with the posters who say do your pgce or at least research whether it will be possible both financially and practically.

I can't help but feel that considering all of your cousins/aunts/uncles plus your mum know about this money that DH will find out in time and it's best coming from you. There are clearly, and quite rightly, trust issues following his dishonest and underhand behaviour.

I think I would decide what to do with it then tell him and be prepared for the fight.

The money was left to you it is not part of your marriage/relationship, if you were to ever split up the money would NOT form part of any settlement and would not be subject to a divorce settlement.

Keep this money safe for your children, don't tell him, he has already proved himself unreliable with regards to finances.

Are you a lawyer, Fabby? Because that doesn't accord with my understanding of matrimonial property law at all. It's true in Scotland, but the English courts have a lot of discretion, and context is important.

YANBU... Put the money in a trust-fund for the children and then tell your DH. You can explain it honestly ie. you don't want the money to go on paying off old debts or starting up new businesses. Then, regardless of how he reacts, your conscience is clear and the money is untouchable.

Im not a lawyer, but my brother in law was left over 100k by his mother, this year when deciding what his ex was entitled to the solicitor told him and his ex that what was left by his mother to him would not form part of the divorce settlement as it was left to HIM in his name so could not be touched.

Tortoise has saved me the job of writing a reply. I think you have to tell him, since your marriage is now based on not keeping secrets. But you obviously are also bothered about being pressured to spend it. So tell him, once its not available to you.

I agree with Tortoise - lock the money away and then tell DH about it.

Hadn't thought of a trust - I was going to suggest an ISA with a really long notice period in your sole name for 5k, and trusts in the children's names for the rest. You need to tell him that you have the money but you have to make it clear that it is not available - you need to stand up to his badgering.
Do not be bullied.

Don't leave it in your mum's name . She might well let him have access , and others have written on here about parents dying unexpectedly and money in their or their children's name forming part of the general estate.

Don't do a PGCE now. It's hugely stressful, you need to have support. Jobs are being cut too.

I would ask the executor of the will to put the money in trust for the DC's that way you have not lied. Your husband does not need to know any different because the money did not touch your bank account then.

I agree with Inertia.

I agree with telling dh after the money is locked away. Sorry to harp on again about them but it will be cheaper to put it into a junior isa (ie a bank account that just has a label of junior isa) than to go to a solicitor and do a trust. The junior isa is free and simple but a trust fund will eat into your £10k. The beauty of the junior isa is that once the money is deposited in the account (whether a bank account or shares) no one but the child can touch it and not till they turn 18.

Asked DH about this to get the general blokey perspective (also he runs a small business so may have some insight). Plus I figured if we are ever in that situation I'd like to know what he'd like me to do!

His first thought was that you are married and intending to stay married - lack of trust between partners is a difficult hurdle to overcome but ideally you should be honest with your husband that you have been left this money.

Second (and subsequent thoughts) - his feeling is that you shouldn't put the money into any business venture right now. Partly because the previous venture failed - no matter what your husband says, it failed because otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation - and now is not a good time to gamble. Also, with the economy as it is, if your husband currently has a regular salary from a paying job then he would be foolish to gamble that on top of your 10k - because jobs are few and hard to come by and it's not going to get easier.

Without knowing exactly what he was doing it's difficult to assess the level of risk with him going self-employed again but bear in mind that people are in negative equity, we're probably going into a the second part of the double-dip, money for everything is getting tight and (to use your analogy) people are going to be more worried about putting food on the table than updating the kitchen it's cooked in!

He also thought that putting the money away in trust for your kids isn't overly sensible - it'll earn squib all in the next few years and probably be worth less by the time they're 18.

His thought was that it would be better used either in a savings account for repairs/renewals/unexpected emergencies, or to supplement your monthly income (a little every month) to ensure that you can meet your credit obligations.

If it's a formal debt management scheme (e.g. an IVA) and you are involved in any way, you have to make sure that you are not legally obliged to report your inheritance as a windfall.

Finally if you are still paying interest, think about using it towards a chunk of the highest interest obligation (like credit cards etc) because you'll get a far better rate of return doing that than investing.

I really dislike all this "skipping generations" in wills. The OP will do her best to make sure her children have something to inherit. Why should they also inherit her grandfather's money and (as someone suggested) her mum's? It's ridiculous.

OP, your grandfather left that money to you because he wanted you to have it. Did he know the problems you had with your husband's business? If so, by leaving it to you, in your maiden name, he was making a point, wasn't he?

What a horrible situation to be in. From what you say if he knows about the money he will want it to start his business again and if you don't let him have it he will see that as you having no faith in him. The sensible thing as others have said would be to invest it in the future of your family by doing your PGCE but will your DH view this as you being able to follow your dream when he can't? Did your grandad know about your plans? Is there any way you can say that this was the specific reason you were left the money? If not I would probably invest it for the kids. Good luck.

I would tell my husband about it and then have a discussion about what to do with it. I would have firm ideas about what I wanted i.e. for it to be held in trust for our children, or as a last resort bailout, and what I didn't want it to be used for i.e. another business or as a cash injection in the old business, or for day to day expenses.

I expect my husband to be honest with me and I'm confident he expects the same. I do see why you feel unable to trust him with this money though. I certainly would keep the money in your own account, or somewhere that only you can access it for the time being.

To give some perspective, I have a small business and DH is very firm about not using our personal savings unless I can prove that the money will be repaid. He's absolutely right as I know the business is a potential bottomless pit unless managed down to the last penny.

Iteot makes a valid point - if you are a named party in an IVA you will have to hand over this money - all of it. If not, use it to pay for your college course and tell your husband that is what you are doing. The issue between you is not that his business has failed - shit happens- but that he has deceived you. Do not deceive him. You need to take the long view, which is that should your marriage break up over this or for other reasons, you will have to stand on your own feet and take full financial responsibility for yourself and your DCs. You will be better placed to do this with a recognised professional qualification which can help you develop a long term career.

I don't see how you think not telling him is even an option. You made an agreement, no more secrets, and you should stick to that.

I understand why you don't trust him and don't want to tell him about the money, but the lie is a big one, and even little lies grow and grow. Can you really live with that? You would have to live with the knowledge at some point he will find out. Either through family or when the dc's get the money. You sound like a lovely person who cares deeply about her marriage, and I don't think that keeping a secret of this magnitude will be as easy as it sounds. It's hard work keeping secrets, it's not a nice way to live.

The fact is, he will find out, either soon, or years down the line. And you will have to deal with the fact that you broke your agreement and you and your children will have to face the concequences of that.

If you put that money away for your dc now, either in trust or in ISAs or whatever, you can tell him when the deal is done and there is no risk of him being able to touch it. At the moment, you are still living with the consequenses of his mistake, you are in a strong position to be able to say 'this money was left to me and due to your past financial track record, I have kept it safe for our dc'. You can say that now and he will be left with no choice but to accept it, and realise that your secrecy for the time it takes to secure the money is a direct result of his previous actions. He will be pissed off, but he will get over it.

If you have to say the same thing in ten years time, he would have every reason not to accept it. He will have worked for years and done his best, and all that time you will have been lying to him. Can you imagine how much that will hurt him, and how much it could damage your marriage? It's like you would be loading a gun that will go off and will hurt the people you love the most.

Do you think your children will want to accept the money when they are 18, when it's the reason that at the same time they get a little windfall, their Dad is feeling broken hearted over it?

You can't keep a secret this big if you value your marrige, you just can't. Do what you want to do with the money, then tell him.

I would use the money to do your teaching thing. That way you can make sure at least one of you has a decent career/job. I know you said that he would say to give it to him and he would build up the business again and you can do it in a couple of years . . . but . . . it's YOUR turn!

How about you say that you will start your teaching job and then he can think about starting his business after that? Just turn it on it's head.

He's had his turn, it is yours now.