not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

[threedollars]

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

How about you say that you will start your teaching job and then he can think about starting his business after that? Just turn it on it's head.

He's had his turn, it is yours now.

Very good advice.

A similar thing happened to my sil.

Her partner started a company, did well, lost it all due to the recession.

He took all the money out of the kids accounts, £8k in all and without her consent. That was 2 or 3 years ago now. The kids will never see that money again now.

He is also obsessed with staying as he is and not working for the "man",the house they had has a repo order on it while he still has the BMW with personalised plates.

If you take £10k out of your account and "spend" it (give it to your mum) there is little a court can do, my dh ex partner took £50k out in cash and the bankruptcy court couldn't do anything about it. Where it went is a mystery but in all likelihood her mum or sister are keeping it untill her 5 years of bankruptcy are up.

Sorry for the sp.

I agree that you should tell him, either that or resolve never to tell and keep to it.

I wouldn't put the money away for the kids though, you can 'replace' your moment if you invest in a career for yourself and you never know what is going to happen in the future.

You say that your DH is clinging on to you and the kids, I guess you're the stability now. In your position, I'd go to him and say I have £10k. It is either going to be put in trust for each of the kids or I am going to use it for my PGCE, which we already agreed I would do, I will not allow it to be swallowed up in the debt or a new venture. To do the PGCE I need your support and for you to do x, y, z. Do I have it?

By the same token that he says to you... "Give it me and in a few years you can do your PGCE", throw it back to him.. "Support me in my PGCE and in a few years we'll be stable enough for you to re-start your business".

Good luck, OP, it's not easy, but your marriage is more important than a lie.

"How about you say that you will start your teaching job and then he can think about starting his business after that? Just turn it on it's head.

He's had his turn, it is yours now."

Very much this. And I would sell it that once you've got a stable income from you it will be easier for him to start a business as it will not be essential for him to be able to bring in an income on day 1, thus allowing him to focus on getting it going properly blah blah blah.

Wow that's at least 2 people agreeing with me! That never happens

OP I think you should use the money for your career rather then putting it away for the kids as the kids will benefit hugely from the financial security that your job will bring to the family.

Oh wow. Thankyou so much for the responses. I was up most of the night stressing about this and having people think more objectively about my situation is so helpful - I've really been stuck in doomy place with this situation. Seeing the little 'scenarios' playing out in your comments makes such a big difference. A lot less brutal than I was expecting from AIBU too

So it's a new day and I am trying to look at it all with new clarity.

H WILL find out. You're all right there. Too many people know about it - my cousins, my parents etc - and while we don't see that part of the family very often there's just no way it wouldn't get mentioned in the normal run of things over the next few years. Leaving the options of asking people not to mention it or avoiding family events or going and worrying about what they say. So that's not something I can really consider realistically.

Also you are all right about my mum. She would probably feel she 'should' say something especially if I wanted to use it for me. She could 'see the sense' in keeping the money for the DCs but that's not to say she wouldn't rethink it and it's a long time to keep a secret.

I am not named on any of the money stuff, we worked hard to keep it that way (though for different reasons!)

I am not sure about the PGCE now. The practical aspects seem difficult. But I don't need to decide on that right now. I was thinking maybe I could start applying for TA work or something similar and use the money for childcare? It would go a long way as both the DCs are in school now. If I did that I could decide about the PGCE from a better informed position re: jobs and stuff.

But most of all I need to tell H because we did agree no more secrets and given he WILL find out, I'll basically be shafting the marriage if I hide it. It's not something I can really expect us to recover from given if the situation was reversed it would be the end of the marriage (I made that clear as a condition of us staying together and I need to stay by that).

I am scared of telling him though. I agree the money needs to be 'safe' before I do - I don't think he'd do anything like steal it from my account or whatever, but sad to say when he's been really bad and desperate about wanting to 'start again' I can sort of see him justifying that or bullying me into giving it to him (and he can be very very tenacious and grind people down), in that frame of mind.

God it's really difficult BUT I think putting it away somewhere safe (in my name alone), and insisting it not be used on anything other than the DCs or my career/earning potential is a much more workable plan than trying to keep it secret for however many years.

I totally hear everyone about not just holding it for when the DCs turn 18. I thought it could help them with uni fees or training but who knows what the world will be like when they turn 18 and there could well be a 'better' use for it before they reach adulthood, a use which will benefit them more.

I am going to google all the potential places to put the money right now.

I am really scared of telling H though. I think because his reaction could make it impossible for our relationship to continue and it will feel like such a waste if that happens.

Of course he could surprise me and be good about it.

Tell him your grandad left the money for your PGCE and go for it.You will be able to do more for your dc in the long run than with a lump sum which wouldnt even cover a year's uni fees.

What was the reason for keeping your name off all the financial stuff?

It's a shame that you feel he might try to bully you into giving him the money and you don't even sound that sure that he wouldn't steal it.

Is this to do with how desperate he's been since the business went tits up or do you think he has always been like that really?

By the way I think you are making the right decisions (not to keep it a secret and keep it for your career etc)

My reason for keeping my name out of it was because we could, I didn't have any assets in my own name and I didn't want to be dragged down for life (as bankruptcy was on the cards, as was divorce!)

H wanted it to be possible for me to buy the house from the official receiver if he did go BR and even said at one point "when we start again the business can be in your name and I'll the employee".

sigh.

I don't know how he'll react. But he's been that angry/desperate recently. It's better since he's had steady work and he knows me and the DCs are around. It's new, this desperation, but it's hard to say whether he always had these thoughts about how his success in the business was the whole of his success as a person (iyswim?), because he was always successful! He was always very driven and self-assured.

I suppose there is no reason to think that he wouldn't be able to start another business one day . . . as long as he learns from his mistakes and everything is completely open between you.

I can understand him wanting to be his own boss, I am so I "get it". I did start an extra little on-the-side business a while ago which after a year was clear was not going to be successful. I think I lost us about 1k doing that which was upsetting as we really needed the money. I learnt from it that I am NOT a sales woman so I would never do another business in that area again! That doesn't mean that any other business I had would fail though.

Oh if he wants to try starting another business he is welcome to - but not until all the financial stuff is over and we're stable and (in an ideal world), the DCs are out of school. The timeline is about the same as it happens.

Plenty of people have lost their livelihoods in this awful recession and I don't fault him for that. It was the lying and the covering up and the fact we lost everything that was ours. None of that had to happen.

What do think is the worst that can happen when he reacts?

I could see that he would be angry initially, and want to use the money for something else. It is likely to cause a row and resentment for a little while.

But if you put the money away and told him that you felt you had to do that because of his past lies, would he not understand that eventually? He does need to realise that once you ahve broken trust you have to work to earn it back, it doesn't just happen because you have talked things through.

Get your mum to hold onto the money but don't put it in the children's names yet incase YOU need it over the next few years

The shock of learning how little you still trust him could be another important step in his recovery. If he has any sense, it will humble him, and it sounds as though he still needs to make that step. Right now, he is humiliated but not humbled, and it is very sad to hear you acknowledging that, without having your own feelings and position and your contribution acknowledged in your turn.

Have you spoken to your university about pgce funding? Before writing the course off, it's important that you do.

You will be entitled to a loan for fees and, depending upon your household income, you may be entitled to a grant. This is not the same as the bursary for priority subjects. There are also loans for living expenses available and a range of other grants for parents available too, and possibly money for travel expenses. You can also claim CTC and even housing benefit (again depending on your DH's income). You won't know what you're entitled to until you ask. Don't be afraid of the student loans; they're very different to ordinary debt.

The inheritance money itself could be used to top up the remainder, and to stop you having to work part-time during the pgce. It's a tough enough year without throwing night shift in the supermarket into the mix.

The pgce is a way to increase your earning potential in the future and it's important for your own personal development and happiness. It will do your marriage no good at all if you're resentful about your DH's actions preventing you from doing it.

I'd say that you should tell him about it and explain that you will be using it to further your own career ambitions as that's what your grandad would have wanted. If you do decide against the pgce, then it's perfectly fair to say you're giving it to the kids.

You should tell him though. You felt dreadful when he kept things from you. Tell him about it but be extremely firm about your decisions about where it will go.

Incidentally, TA positions are incredibly difficult to get. You'd be amazed how competitive they are, and you're likely to be up against well-qualified people (with TA qualifications and even PGCEs themselves). it's not an easy stand-by to tide you over until things are better.

'he hid money (lack of money), from me though. To the tune of a lot more than ten grand. He didn't have our DCs interests at heart when he used our family money to prop up his business and they lost their home and had to move schools and areas.'

Exactly.

'His lying is why I don't trust him, not because his business failed.'

Exactly.

For GOODNESS sake, stop feeling guilty. Your reactions are absolutely spot on. You are being SENSIBLE and ACTING FOR THE FAMILY GOOD in not trusting him. It sounds like he needs some serious counselling, by the way. I can't believe he tried to get your mum to remortgage, and behind your back? And YOU are worried about the effect your 'attitude' here might have on the marriage?

It sounds like he really, really needs to grow up. A lot. His needing to see himself as the big I Am lost you everything. Now here you are, still tiptoeing around his need to feel like the one in charge, even though he has proven absolutely that he just doesn't deserve that kind of position.

You do need to tell him about the money, but you also need to deliver the short sharp shock that as of yet he still hasn't had. No bloody WAY will any of that money go anywhere near his business plans, because HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH IT. It's not about business ideas, it's not about financial management, it's about TRUST. You now don't trust him to do right by you all, because when the chips were down he didn't confide in you. Worse, he deliberately misled you and did things he knew you wouldn't want to happen, such as your mum remortgaging. Worse still, everything he has said since highlights that he hasn't learned a thing from this - '"when we start again the business can be in your name and I'll the employee".' NO. He does NOT get to make these plans any more without affording you the respect you deserve as his partner - these decisions are JOINT.

You're right, it's all about his ego. I have a feeling the real fall-out from this is about to come for you -

'I am really scared of telling H though. I think because his reaction could make it impossible for our relationship to continue and it will feel like such a waste if that happens.'

Yes. That will be the test of how he really sees your family working and whetehr his attitude has changed at all. If it has not, at least you will know. I hope at that point you will have the strength to say 'Then I walk away - you have shown me that even now, you cannot see this as an equal partnership, you cannot afford me the respect to make decisions alongside you, and you cannot learn a scrap of humility and reality from your mistakes. I will not have us dragged down for the sake of your ego.'

You also get the £6000 grant on a PGCE for some subjects- secondary science and maths basically. (although they're withdrawing it for most secondary and all primary courses from this year though sadly).

In your shoes I would do the PGCE and keep the supermarket job for as long as possible too.

It does seem like you have to tell him, but you'll have to be so so firm about him not using it to start a business or pay off the debts.. good luck!

I am with the others that have suggested that you use it to fund your PGCE year. It would benefit all of you in the long term.

It's awful when you can trust your partner with your finances isn't it? My DH sounds similar to yours and has got us into financial bother in the past. Any scrap of money there and he'll spend it.

i think the idea of putting it somewhere safe then telling him is a good one. i do think you need to tell him - if only so that you don't live with the knowledge of lying to him.

also, look into career options for you - in class training, TA or PGCE.

can you start talking to him about the fact that you have waited a long time to fulfill your ambitions, and worked hard towards them, that it is your turn to do that?

if you did the in-class training for teaching, then got a job, that would give you a small income while you did it, then, once you were settled, you could look into the finances & see what you could do then, re his career options.

don't feel too bad about wanting to hide it. he broke faith with you by lying & going behind your back. this is probably the first big 'test' of how you are going to function again, and how much you can trust each other. if he'd had an affair, and suddenly a stunningly beautiful woman was in your life, you'd worry about how he'd react to that, and not want to introduce your dh to her. he has an obsession, and this would be a temptation to him.

having your trust knocked takes a long time to recover from - don't expect it to happen quickly.

i think you should also talk to him about how you find it hard to trust him now, and his talk about re-starting the business just makes it harder. he needs to let go of that & see that it isn't a quick fix to your finances or marriage.

i'm really impressed that both of you are obviously willing to work so hard - you should take time to look at the positives in your lives & see how they are helping you.

Is there any other career that you would like to do, OP? I wouldn't do a TA job if you could do a teaching job - you'll get twice the money and a career structure. I know the chance of a job depends on the schools in your local area. Is there anything else you fancy doing, that you could study for in September?

I can't believe the number of people criticising the OP for wanting to keep this secret given the absolute hole her H got them into.

Yes, she shared in the benefits when it was going well, and presumably she would have attempted to help when it was going bad if he wasn't keeping secrets from her.

For christ sake, they've had to sell their house, because he was using their personal money for business, and she's out of line for keeping secrets?

I don't think so.

OP keep the money yourself, tell your mum under no uncertain circumstances she's not to mention it to your H. Her loyalty should be with you not him, especially given what's happened.

When you feel ready, either consider your PGCE or invest for your daughters, or just put away in your name elsewhere and tell nobody about it.

Don't tell him about this money, at least until he gets to grip with this whole starting a new business lark and the fact that it's not going to work

Fabby it would form part of a settlement, the courts would and do take it into account. My DH (with his ex) and I, speak from bitter experience.

While your husbands business was doing well, you say you lived affluently, so I gather nice home, car etc provided by your husband which you were happy to take.

So the like millions of other the company aphid difficulties and all of a sudden it's his fault, yet you say he is a hard working man.

As a family you should be in it difficult. You must tell him about the money and use it to help the family get out of the difficulties it is in.

Ihowwould you feel if your husband was sitting with thousands hid away while you family was struggling