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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

164 replies

threedollars · 09/08/2011 22:38

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

OP posts:

nakedandangry · 09/08/2011 22:57

yes but what about YOUR PGCE? could you not do it with this money?

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 22:57

I'm not suggesting you do this but what would happen if you told him your mum had inherited this money and wanted to pay for your PGCE?

bringmesunshine2009 · 09/08/2011 22:58

"Yes dear, I won the Audi and 2 weeks in the Bahamas in a This Morning competition, the question was really complex."

Original poster

threedollars · 09/08/2011 22:59

While I was a SAHM I got a degree through the OU (a lot of work!), before that I worked part-time and before that I was a fulltime SAHM (when kids tiny). I always wanted to teach though and when I hit 30 thought it was time to do what I wanted. H did support me in that as I'd done all the childcare and stuff while he was building up the business. We barely saw him when he was starting out.

I love the idea of using it for my PGCE. I'm not sure if it would cover the whole process though - fees and childcare etc. I would need a lot of practical support and H would need to be 100% behind me offering that support - I would need to be the working parent if you see what I mean, with H more of a SAHD role. I just don't see it.

The conversation would go "you give the money to me, in a couple of years we'll be back where we were and you can do your PGCE then". And the cat would be out of the bag then wouldn't it.

Oh this is so shit. It is so hard to fight for the marriage and then have this going on.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:00

"What, this little thing? It's fake! Can't you see? It wouldn't sparkle that much if it was real, honest!"

snoopdogg · 09/08/2011 23:00

get grandma to put it in child trust funds for the kids - not your decision, not your responsibility, untouchable.

You clearly are not at a point where you can trust your DH to use this legacy wisely so don't put yourself in that position.

You (you & dh) can manage as adults, leave this as a cushion for your kids

BecauseImWorthIt · 09/08/2011 23:00

I don't blame you for wanting to keep the money away from him. And I think you should follow through with the idea of it being left to your mum.

But I also think you and your husband need some kind of counselling to deal with the issues that his business failure are causing. There is a lot of resentment implicit (or actually fairly explicit!) in your posts. I think he also needs some help/counselling/business advice to help him re-start his business. It's a terrible thing when something you believe in so passionately falls apart (and I have personal experience of this).

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:01

God, he really has a sense of entitlement, doesn't he?

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:02

How old are the children? Could your mum or other relatives help out with childcare?

Original poster

threedollars · 09/08/2011 23:03

Also if H took on the SAHD duties or cut back his hours our installments would be affected wouldn't they, and if we explained what I was doing they'd want to know why the money wasn't being used for that instead. Oh it's such a mess.

My mum wouldn't want to say it was her money for my PGCE iyswim. She's a bit wary of H as he pressured her to remortgage her house when we were going down the shitter. She was going to until I went mental (in fact that's how I found out about the mess H was in), and doesn't want to get involved in our marriage or our money troubles anymore. I don't blame her at all! But she wouldn't want him knowing he had the money. She's old fashioned and really thinks I should be telling him about it and letting him do what's best.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:03

To be honest, £10,000 isn't enough to kick start his business, not if he was nearly bankrupt.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 09/08/2011 23:03

I understand what TrillianAstra is saying but having lived with someone similar - hell bent on starting up another business and just wanting to 'fix' what he fucked up the first time around, it's really not that straight forward. They get fixated and don't think clearly.

I would put the money someone safe. Don't mention it - for now.

Ignore that money and work out between you how you can get your DH into a position of trying again without risking the families security and both work towards that.

Maybe in a years time you could use the money for your PGCE or put it in shares for the kids or use it to start a savings to buy a house or invest in a new business - but for now you need to be able to dig yourselves out of this hole and your DH needs to accept that for now he has to bring in a wage - end of... and NOT be pissing about with a new business.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:04

Bloody hell, he tried to get your mum to remortgage? I repeat what I said about a sense of entitlement.

He doesn't sound as though he has a grip on reality.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:05

Is he still working for himself?

CHOOGIRL · 09/08/2011 23:05

Sorry I think YABU to hide money from your husband. You were happy to share success when his business was doing well but now it has gone downhill you seem to think that is in his name alone. How would you feel if he inherited money and didn't tell you about it? If you agreed to no more secrets then you would absolutely be a hypocrite to keep this from him.

Original poster

threedollars · 09/08/2011 23:05

Yes to entitlement and he probably does need counselling or something like that. He is working so hard and was the definition of a broken man for a long time. I am proud of him for that and he is in many ways a different man - not so entitled, more respectful of me and what I do (not that he was disprespectful but he liked feeling like the big I Am with the wife and kiddies at home).

I dealt a lot better with everything than he did but he did cry when I got the supermarket job. He has always seen himself as a big provider and so proud of himself (he left school at 16 etc). I don't want to shit on him.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:07

CHOOGIRL he was hiding money problems right, left and centre! He's hardly squeaky clean. He was putting pressure on her mum to remortgage her house, without telling his own wife!

hairfullofsnakes · 09/08/2011 23:07

Don't tell him. Stick with your instincts and keep it secret

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2011 23:07

So won't it finance your PGCE?

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 09/08/2011 23:09

CHOGIRL - the OP isn't worried because it went downhill, she is worried because of the covering up he did and the mess he got them into because he was playing ostrich!! Being hypocritical is better than having the money frittered away or ending up getting divorced because she wont let him have it for his new business.

Three - been there, done that... t-shirt quite old now, but I completely understand where you are at x

Original poster

threedollars · 09/08/2011 23:10

He was in trade (not really wanting to say which), now he has a 'day job' at a company who does something similar. So an analogy would be he used to own his own kitchen fitting business and now he's working for wickes - the key is a steady income so we can work out the installments etc.

I agree with you CHOOGIRL which is what makes this so hard. I feel a lot of guilt still about the whole thing, like if H had had a more realistic idea of what I could cope with (he kept saying he didn't want to let me down), we could've stopped things being so catastrophic.

But I worked hard in the marriage too. I did everything so he could get his buisiness going including taking the DCs on holiday alone, working nights for a bit when he was first starting out, I fit my degree around the family, I felt like a single mum a lot of the time (easy for me to say I know and we were a lot more fortunate than many other families, I know that too). I didn't just sit at home reaping the benefits.

OP posts:

nakedandangry · 09/08/2011 23:10

Surely 10k would be a drop in the ocean considering the business is kaput.

Really.

And do you not get a certain amount doing a teacher course 9k or something.

You could say " I know dear, I'll do one year PGCE. You sah. THEn I work and you pick up the business when the recession is over and demand picked up for your type of thing."

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:12

Is your teaching subject a shortage subject?

Original poster

threedollars · 09/08/2011 23:16

No Imperial it's not. Given the cuts (tm), who knows if I'd even get a placement for my NQT year even. It's not a given everything would work out.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 23:18

Are you near a large city? How many schools are there in your locality that you could get to?

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