not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

[threedollars]

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

Naked, I think that's only for shortage subjects, isn't it?

The best investment that any parent can give their children is to take an active interest in their education, which is free. I honestly don't think 5k at 18 would be the best use of your money.

Really, I think you should use this money to do your PGCE. Absolutely definitely.

Yes, I agree, LaLa. If the OP invested in her own education and training, she'd be on a higher salary for the rest of her working life.

And OP, even if, worst comes to worst, you didn't get a job immediately, you could do the night job at the supermarket and be no worse off.

My view is that if you draw a line in the sand and agree to be honest it should work both ways. The danger is you justify being dishonest or getting your own way by saying 'but you did this in the past'. You know how it felt to have financial information hidden from you, so why do you think it is OK to do it to him now? If you really still do not trust him then that is a different conversation.

It's clear she doesn't trust him.

Whoa, if he pressured your mum to re-mortgage then he REALLY needs counselling. I think you should tell him about the money, but in a cold, factual way. Tell him it's yours, it won't be going into the business or on debt repayments - you and you alone will decide how to invest it.

While you're at it I think you need to pop his bubble with regard to re-starting the business. The answer is "I've done it once, I can do it again" is "Yes, and look where it got us - the brink of divorce and bankruptcy." It sounds like he wants to build things up again because of his ego, not because it would bring security for his family. Quite apart from everything else, it is now your turn to advance your career. He has had his turn - he doesn't get to have another turn straight away just because he fucked the last one up.

I honestly think the best investment of the money would be to fund your PGCE as far as possible. It is just silly to work nights at a supermarket and put the money away for your DC when you could go so far to sorting out your future. A teaching career would be better income for the rest of your working life and a pension. Supermarket shifts are just hand-to-mouth.

"The conversation would go "you give the money to me, in a couple of years we'll be back where we were and you can do your PGCE then". And the cat would be out of the bag then wouldn't it."

And the next part of the conversation goes:

"no, I will not give the money to you. It was left to me by my grandfather and I don't want to put off this training any longer."

If you can't trust him not to take money away from you and your children in a situation like this, then you shouldn't be with him.

And he tried to convince your mother to remortgage her house? Was this so that she could lend him money?

Please tell me that didn't happen. Because if it did he's a total scumbag and I can't believe you are still with him.

I think your mum can say to you - right grandad left 8k to be held for the dc and 2k for a 'family' thing-here it is heres 2k what do you think youll do with it? and ill set up a trust for the dc shall i make it payable for 18th or 21st bdays.

That way you all get 'something' not enough to set up a business but enough to 'save' towards one or too help fund something else or for a holiday or a new carpet etc etc.

At the moment you are conflicted and that is not a good place to be when attempting to make clearsighted decisions.

My advice is to keep the money in your maiden name account - or use that account to open an ISA or one paying higher interest - until you have come to terms with your inheritance.

In the meantime say nothing to your dh because I suspect you know that, once you reveal that you have access to 10 grand, he will embark on a persistent campaign to part you from it - and your marriage will go down the tubes bringing hurt and pain to all concerned including your dc.

You have come to terms with your changed circumstances and, given another year or so, it may be that your dh will have a more realistic view of his financial acumen and the difficulties of restarting a failed business.

Sometimes the best policy is to say nothing and justify it to yourself on the grounds of 'It is a far, far, better thing that I do than I have ever done'. You've made a lot of sacrifices to keep your marriage together - one more won't break your back and you will have the quiet satisfaction of knowing that you have a 'rainy day' fund should the storms return.

Yes. I can see that (about the PGCE). I will need to find out how it will affect the installments though. I am not sure if I could make it work if H wouldn't take on a LOT of the childcare etc. And it's a difficult and stressful year, doing the PGCE, there being a shit atmosphere at home wouldn't help.

But I have a year, don't I (well not a year til I apply but a year til I start, assuming I get on a course and the provider take me on again after I accepted then pulled out last time!)

I think the DCs would benefit from seeing me working hard for our future. Wouldn't they? DC1 told off H when he said he was ashamed I was working at the supermarket - the DCs said they were proud of me and they thought it was cool and would I get free sausages.

I am going to ask my mum to take the money for now, just so it's not in my hands iyswim. Then I am going to investigate where we'd stand and if the college might take me back. We're quite out of things here so there's only really one place I could do the PGCE.

I feel SHIT though. That my instinct was to keep this from H. We are not doing as well as I thought we were emotionally, clearly. I am sort of afraid of how he will react. Which is stupid. But he is fragile and angry at the same time. Does that make sense? Is it even possible? It's how he's coming over at least.

He pressured your mother into mortgaging her house in an attempt to pour more money into a business he couldn't accept was failing. He still thinks that he could make it all better if he could just start another business. The cash would be a drop in the ocean of the debts he's paying off.

Protect the cash. I think that if he managed to convince your mother to mortgage her home, and she still thinks you should be telling him about the cash and letting him decide 'what's best', she cannot be trusted with the money. Not because she'd spend it, but because she's quite liable to tell him about it and/or hand it over to him. If every grandchild got 10k it might well be mentioned in family conversations.

I don't know what you think 5k at 18 would do for your DCs. I can't help but think of how I spent the money I inherited at 18. It really didn't do much good. I think you need to figure out how the money would be most effectively used. I also think you need to do what you think is appropriate with the cash yourself. And please don't give it to him. It sounds like has not faced the reality that he missed opportunities to save his business or accepted that it has gone and he can't get it back. When he's still lying to himself how can he be honest with you?

You poor thing. I have experience of this - not as the dw but as the dc and for that reason i wouldn't tell your dh if i was in your shoes. Personally, this is what I would do with the money....

From 1 November, junior isas are launched and you can invest £3,600 per child. Proceeds of the account are held in the child?s name and they are tax efficient like an adult ISA. Importantly for you, money in the account cannot be withdrawn by the parents as it is designed for the child?s future and the parent manages the account on the behalf of a child. At age 18 the account is converted into an adult ISA and the young adult can access their funds. There are two types of Junior ISAs - a cash Junior ISA ? which will earn interest like a savings account from a bank or building society and a stocks and shares Junior ISA ? which will invest in stocks and shares. You can take out both a cash Junior ISA and a stocks and shares Junior ISA, with different providers (or the same provider if they offer different products), at the same time if you choose. It's not clear who is launching junior isas yet but expect every high street bank to have them. Whether you stick it in a bank account ISA or a stocks and shares isa or both will depend on your appetite for risk. Personally, I would put it into a ftse100 tracker fund but that's just my personal taste.

I would then put £1,400 for each child into a childrens bonus bond with NSI. It's held in the child's name for 5 years and can be rolled forward for another 5 years if they're not an adult yet. The returns from it are also tax free. Unlike an ISA it can be cashed in early but your dh would have to be prepared to explain to your dc that he took the money out. You can actually do this now, so I would put the £1,400 each now (so £2,800) and then wait for 3 months to out the other £7,200 away for your kids.

In my experience it's a nightmare living with someone who believes that they can recapture their former glory and they can be just as destructive in their quest to regain it all as they were when things went wrong in the first place, so you're absolutely right to guard against it. Very best of luck to you.

I'm with evenless on this. Your mum seems prone to think your husband is entitled to cash, and I wouldnt trust her to keep hold of it if he found out about it.

The cash needs to be in an account you alone can get at, or in trust.

I think the PGCE sounds wonderful. Perhaps you could do some research into it? Not make any concrete decisions. Just find out where you stand?

Good luck.

I am not sure if I could make it work if H wouldn't take on a LOT of the childcare etc.

He needs to be working though, to clear the debts. That's a priority. I think you should use some of your inheritance to pay for proper childcare. And see if you can get back on for this year.

Yes, he's fragile and angry. Boo fucking hoo. He needs to be an adult and get over it, not punish the people around him. He is not the victim here. He made bad business decisions and I am sure that has been very hard for him to bear on a personal level, but he shouldn't take it out on you.

While you are talking to your mum, I would suggest having an in-depth conversation with her about her will. It may be better for all concerned if anything she plans to leave you skips a generation and goes straight into trust for her DGCs.

Good luck with the PGCE people - I honestly think it is the best possible use of a legacy.

If you don't need the £10k for day-to-day, then investing it in your PGCE looks like the best option.

I would tell him, simply because it seems to me that you would feel terrible not doing so. Yes, he will probably try to pressure you for his business, but I think you need to be firm and say 'no effing way'. I agree with ninedragons that this is a matter of his ego, and he needs to get a grip on that. He absolutely threw away with both hands any claim to this money by trying to persuade your mother to remortgage behind your back. That is disgusting behaviour.

It may even be beneficial for him to be forced to abandon this fantasy - holding on to it is not healthy and likely to prevent him from recovering from the damage to his self-image.

Yes meant to add, given that your dm thinks your husband is entitled to the cash, I wouldn't trust her with it and the two ways I have suggested are ways of effectively keeping the money in trust for your kids.

... and yes, I would tell him about the money. As some other posters have said, how would you feel if he hid something like that from you? But I would allocate the money first, so that you could say, "well, I have this money, and i am going to invest it in my PGCE and childcare for the DC whilst I am studying".

God, I really wouldn't do a PGCE at the moment-there are very few jobs around. Check the NQT section of the TES to see what jobs there are in your local area first.

I definitely wouldn't tell him about the money though-put it somewhere for the kids and don't tell him.

I don't really understand your mum's attitude-I can see why she wouldn't remortgage to pay off his debts, but I can't see why she would then think it was a good idea to give him access to this money in full knowledge of his financial issues?

I understand where you're coming from Choo but the financial information that was hidden from the op consisted of a negative balance and a subsequent dramatic change for the worse in the lifestyle that she and her dc had previously enjoyed, rather than £10,000 to spend as she wished.

If the op was proposing to blow her inheritance on a new car or similar item(s) that could be enjoyed by all of her family, and which accounted for the majority of the sum, I'd have no hesitation in advising her to spend, spend, spend!

However, given that the op's dh is currently fixated on restarting his failed business, I have no compunction in advising her to to keep her own counsel in respect of her inheritance until such time as she feels able to withstand her dh's probable reaction at having an unexpected 10 grand in the family kitty.

In addition, as the op has said, matters could become further complicated if her dh's creditors get wind of a significant lump sum that may be at his disposal.

I'm also cognisant of the fact that her dc have suffered, and continue to suffer, from their changed circumstances, and it seems to me that there is a very real danger of their happiness being further compromised if the op makes her dh aware of her dgf's legacy.

I'm sorry, I still disagree that you should do your PGCE now. I think you have all been under too much stress to start that now. Give yourself a year for you to both get back on your feet and recover emotionally from this huge thing that's happened to your family. Your DH needs to be fully supportive if you embark on a PGCE and right now I don't think he's in a place where he can be - even if he wants to be. Use this year to rebuild your relationship and your financial security.

Put the money somewhere SAFE, not in the kids names, in YOUR name then forget about it, for at least a year. It will give you a little bit of security knowing it's there and you can keep it as a 'good secret'.

In a years time assess where you are emotionally & financially - then decide what you are going to do with it.

You can simply tell your DH that you didn't think either of you were in a good place to make a decision about what to do with it, so you put it away until you were. After all of the decisions he has made unilaterally he has no place to rebuke you for that.

He used your joint personal finances to keep the business afloat. These are your finances to use as you please. My DH and i have been together for 23 years. We have never had a joint bank account. I am sure he has a stash just as I have a stash and there aren't even any problems - we are both just a pair of tight bastards where money is concerned.

Thankyou so much for all the responses.

I don't need to make a decision about PGCE right now as couldn't apply for a few months anyway. I hear what you're saying about my mum. Problem is she does know about the money. I am wary of keeping it in my name given our situation though.

Junior ISAs I hadn't heard of, that sounds brilliant but could lock away the money unhelpfully (if something came up in a few years or whatever), so does the NSandI product. Thankyou so much for telling me about them.

I know I should tell H about the money but I just can't face the fallout right now, not when things are so crap. God I wish there was an easy answer.

There is. Put it away for now.

He wants to rebuild a business, (which to be fair, many people do)and it's derided as fantasy. You want to hide money from him, which is your money and keep for your DC - inference is he doesn't have your DC interest at heart. You refer to him as thinking he's 'the big I am'. You say he's a broken man now, how will he be when he finds out you think his opinion counts for nothing as he has a failed business? Is £10k really worth it? whatever you decide you need to be able to live with. Good luck