not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

[threedollars]

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

Talk to your husband but if the money has been left to you, I'd suggest that you get the final say. Use it for your PGCE because, if the marriage doesn't last, you'll be in a better position to provide for your dc as a single parent.

However, as chummy pointed out, making sure that you're being careful and saving during the good times is the responsibility of both of you. YANBU to be upset that he lied to you, but YABU to lay the blame entirely at his feet and imply that he isn't to be trusted, especially if you joined in with the spending when money was plentiful.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but any chance you'd be eligible to do Teach First rather than a PGCE? That way you'd be earning rather than paying out while you train.

".. especially if you joined in with the spending when money was plentiful."

But she didn't know the money wasn't legit Funtimes! Particularly at the end.

I would agree that now it's your time. He had his chance and he blew it - not by doing his best in business but by deceiving you.

However, I don't think you are going to be able to live with lying to him, particularly as you have both agreed not to keep secrets. it's a very tricky situation for you.

He may be 'broken' but he hasn't given up his obsession. It is your responsibility now to see to yourself and I think you have waited long enough for your PGCE. Take it from me, you put off and put off and before you know it it's too late. I know that sounds like I'm catastrophising but time goes so fast and there's always some bomb or other waiting to go off, you may as well take your chance. ime as the kids got older their needs got greater, it is better to study when they are small.

Take your chance now, the money is there, it was given to you. I also don't think £5K each is going to go far when your kids are 18. And anyway, it was given to you - and you need it now. Pay for the course and then get help with childcare (WTC, CTC). Don't listen to the naysayers - imo benefits/credits are exactly for this type of situation.

imo it would also help to get out of the boiling pot that is your marriage at the moment - I don't mean leave it but have another focus - your own, not his. He has to accept that his deceit (and continued refusal to let the dream go, to really face up to his part in what happened and the hardship you all went through) means you feel you can't trust him and that you have to make your own way now. You have supported him in his ventures and you've waited long enough to realise yours.

I would also say that the more 'broken' someone is, the tighter the boundaries need to be (for everyone's sake). If you feel guilty when you tell him he most likely will play on that. YOu have nothing to feel guilty about - he has jeopardised a lot by his irresponsibility and now you have a lifeline that would secure your future. Take it.

I am really scared of telling H though. I think because his reaction could make it impossible for our relationship to continue and it will feel like such a waste if that happens.

Yes, and that's exactly why you need to tell him. You can't keep having a relationship on this basis, if under the surface you fear for its end if he has to face the absolute truth. You're protecting yourself and him from the actual reality of the situation, which includes the fact that you no longer trust him to provide for the family in the best way. I think you're absolutely right, by the way, if it doesn't come across that way. But you have to stop protecting him from having to face up to the actual reality of the situation. This money is actually a good vehicle for you to do that.

I'll repeat the offer to explain a bit more about trusts if it helps. Certainly I wasn't thinking of you setting one up for the kids when they were eighteen, just locking it away for a couple of years. I agree with whoever upthread said that this wasn't the time to do the PGCE, because you'll need the support and you don't have it right now.

I would lock the money away for the children, and tell him. All that Tortoise says, as well.
You should be able to share these things, but he has proven himself to be greedy to the point of asking your mother to re mortgage her home. That is disgraceful. I would never be able to ask anyone to do that for any reason at all, nor to accept it if they offered.

My husband agrees, put it away for the kids, and make sure he can't get it. You guys are doing ok now, and don't need it to live off. It isn't that much, but they deserve to have a little bit of money towards their educations.

I wouldn't keep it a secret, as you said, doing that would make you a hypocrite.
Honest, but firm.

Why would you have to pay fees for your pace? I did one (7 years ago) and the government paid all my fees and there was a bursary for me as well (shortage subjects). Look into it; I am now qualified for 6 years and earning £42000 (Head of Department). It could make all the difference to your family circumstances.

Greedy may not be the perfect word, but I am tired and that was the best I could come up with. Obsessed with having a comeback...sounds like the way my brother used to be... he also lost his business and house, but he never asked our mother for money.

Go to your Uni and find out about help they offer.

There's always money available in hardship funds and soon you will find out you can afford it.

Don't forget the GOlden't hello you may get after 12 months from finishing your course.
I think you are likely to recoup your coest in less than 3-4 years.

Bursary they offer towards the fees imay also be available.

Unless you told them this year you are giving up yor place there may still be time.

how old is your youngest?

How old are you kids? If they are over 7 you could set up long term savings bonds in their names, and it would be their money. Or you could buy them Childrens bonds from national savings. Then once you've done this it is no longer your money or accessible to your DH.

To be fair to your DH most successful businessmen do have at least one failure in their past. But I also understand you wanting to help your kids be secure financially long term.

Good luck!

OP you said earlier that you were going to google the best place to put the money. If you can see an Independant Financial Adviser, if you want to PM me your area I may be able to recommend one. I hasten to add I do not work for an independant adviser, I just know some very good one's.

Janjos the situation for PGCEs has changed a lot btw!

There are loads of accounts that lock up your money for a year, you can't touch it. Put it in one of those then tell him - do it online will take 15mins max. It is then available for your PGCE next year.

PGCE is tough and I think it doesn't sound like you are in the right frame of mind to do it this year. However, you are putting loads of obstacles in the way when people come up with suggestions.

What do YOU want to do. I would get a career going I think this is the most important thing you can do for your DC.

Well, It's your money. Your granddad would probably want you to spend it how you want. I would sort something out like get it into accounts for your dcs, then tell him. Tell him you did it without telling him because you just couldn't trust him to throw it away on a business idea. And tbh, if he did it once, he can fail a business again. I'm not sure that lying about it would end very well if he found out.

You could also keep some (a couple of grand to help with bills etc), put the rest in dcs accounts and then tell him your grandad left you some money and here's what I've done with it.

I am sorry for your loss, and good luck with your new job.

Has it been confirmed yet that the money will be outside your family debt repayments?

The problem is not that the business went bust, it's that your DH is still living in cloud cuckoo land thinking he'll do it again, and you are just not up for that. And believe me I know how you're feeling.
DH used a £90,000 inheritance to expand and diversify his small business in 2007, just before the nasty stuff hit the fan. It's gone, all of it, and the business turns over no profit because of the higher overheads he took on.
The difference here is that we have no business debts. At the end of the lease we can walk away.
However, I have devised the escape plan, I now take all financial decisions. He has had to accept that whilst he is very good at some things, he is not a good businessman. We have a good escape plan that will see us in a much more secure position in about a year's time and there is no way we are deviating from this. He can walk at any time but he walks with nothing. Thank god he accepted the reality check because me and the dc have put in enough time indulging him and his ambitions.
OP, I think you should use the money to subsidy your PGCE, you have yourself and the dc's futures to consider, if he chooses to walk then so be it, but you will have some financial security in due course and the ability to influence your own future. And get rid of any joint accounts.
I have a friend with a self-employed husband. For many years she struggled with his up-and-down-income, taking on cleaning jobs etc when necessary. Then, she did her PGCE. She's just completed her NQT year and is taking the children to Portugal on holiday this summer, under her own steam. She is 46 and finally, she has her independence. She loves her husband dearly but no longer lives with the stress of whether he's got work booked for next week.
Good luck!

I think that you should tell him because you want to. If things were good,then you could keep the 10k a secret, but because of your current financial situation and the fact that other people know i think it's best that you tell him.
Dh and i have our own accounts and i have no idea how much he has in his account and he mine

oh gawd, threedollars, I think you're going to have to set up a spreadsheet with all the fors and againsts of this, based on the replies you've had here. Not one stands out.

I say 'spreadsheet' because, although you need to go with your gut to a certain extent, I think you also need to be rational about it too. I'm not saying you're not either, but this is a biggy and you need to lay it out. Or, at least, I would

I really do think you should use the money for the teacher training. That way you get financial security which none of the other options offer. You also get to do something you have really wanted to do your whole life which is a big bonus.

Totally O/T, but it sounds like DH's confidence has taken a colossal battering and he's clutching at anything & everything to try and regain that confidence. Is there something he could do/get involved in on a personal level that would boost his confidence? If he found out you didn't trust him at all - no matter how justified - it would do real damage imho.

I would split the money 3 ways and put 3.3k in trust for each of your two kids, saying it's for college or help with house deposit/whatever when they turn 18, and then have a third for you - then it's split "fairly" and your DH doens't have much he could argue about (unless he's a ). I would also say it's my grandad's and I'll spend it how I want, i.e. towards a course or whatever, but that's me ;)

Imho I think it would be unfair on your mum to get her involved if it's going to cause friction between her & DH - not pleasant.

But I don't see why her grandad's money should be used for her children, when there's something she desperately wants to do which would improve all of their lives.

Yes, get them something for £100, a trampoline or a bike or something, but that money was for her. She could use it to retrain and her children will be better off forever as a result.

I agree Imperial. The teacher training would change ALL their lives.

The kids don't need it right now. If you want to give them money when they turn 18 you might be able to save some up by then from your wages, or your DH may well have clawed his way back up.

If you put the money in the bank for them you might NEVER get to do the job you want as it doesn't sound it will be a priority for your DH for a long while, and then when the kids turn 18 they might decide to spend their money on holidays and booze for all you know, and what a waste that would be.

My son is 19 now and if he'd been given some money at 18 I know he wouldn't have it now. He would have had a lovely time, mind, but his pockets would be empty!

I agree you should find TA work to work out if teaching is for you. put all the money in savings so you have a little pot of dosh for when you do want to do a PGCE/other training. The best thing you can do is improve your situation soon by becomeing qualified. that way you will easily be able to help boys with uni/training. i think giving them a one off 5k lump sum is less effective than being in a position to help out over many years.

And as for your hubby. Tell him but just say no, this money is for me. Repeat as often as needed and don't shift. Make sure the money is in an account that cannot be acessed by anyone for a year or two - explain why you have done this. This is your time now and he can be the SAHP - then try and restart once the ecomomy has moved on and you are up and running with your career.

It's your money and you are keeping it to futher yourself. This money is not intended for anyone else.

But skybluepearl, you have to have training to be a teaching assistant and those jobs are like gold dust anyway.

I don't think she should say "This money is for me" but "This money is to help me have a career and contribute more financially to the family."

There's no way her DH is going to be a SAHP - he is a workaholic.