To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

the trouble with co sleeping is that the baby will then rely on "someone" to be there to get the baby to sleep well, and for the baby to fall back asleep if the start to stir. Perhaps that is why you SIL is cross?

maybe SIL thought you had been slipping the baby a quick slurp on the boob as well

poor baby, SIL seems determined to do everything the hard way doesnt she

banana - I would have been tempted! Wouldn't have done it, obviously, but every instinct would have been to feed a baby that was upset.

YANBU - They wanted a break - you gave them a break.
They did not specify no sleeping on the same bed - just that everyone needed sleep. You achieved this! Well done!
I would forgive her as new tired overwrought mum.. BUT she could bugger off re sleeping over/ hands on support another time.
She should apologise to you in my opinion if apologising is to be done.

Before maybe?

Tbh my reaction would have been to sleep on the floor if my newborn or anyone else's finally got to sleep on a bed.

Not co-sleeping does NOT mean having a strict routine!

Valiumredhead - there seems to be a connection forming on this thread between the two.

YANBU.

And I agree with Jareth: why is your SIL so het up about co-sleeping, but not concerned about having her DD sleep in her own room that young [confues]??

And I say that as someone who co-slept out of sheer necessity, but also had DSs in their own rooms v early on.

Surely, we all do what we feel we need to or want to do??

IMO if you ask somebody else to look after your child you have to allow them to use their own judgment. Or given very, very detailed blow-by-blow instructions and there madness lies...

I DO know someone who fed a baby they were looking after - she was VERY good friends with the mother and she didn't mind at all but that's whole different thread

I also agree with whoever said calling in family overnight is over the top.

It's tough with a newborn. I would never have left mine with anyone else overnight. I still haven't actually!

pomme I can't see that at all. It's funny how a thread reads differently to different people.

I think you were really kind to snuggle up to a fractious little 6 week old. Sorry that they went crazy. Next time they might thank you.

Sleep deprivation is awful. So let's give them that excuse.

I'm fairly certain I would have done the same as you, OP.

However, if it was my baby I would have felt very uncomfortable to have had anyone co-sleeping with my newborn, purely from an emotional point of view.

I think it's a very difficult position to be in. A poster earlier mentioned the safety thing; your SIL is not being particularly attentive to the guidelines by leaving a 6wo to sleep alone.

If somebody coslept with my baby without my consent (and basically I'd never consent to it), I would go absolutely ballistic. I don't have children but I have had an extremely close insight into the death of a baby through co-sleeping and it doesn't matter how rationally people argue that it can be ok, I would be TERRIFIED of anybody co-sleeping with my baby, I would just have the images of the deceased child I had links to in my head.

That said, if I was inviting family round to help through the night I'd make my wishes clearly known, so in that sense you are not at all being unreasonable. You were doing your best to help and got it thrown back in your face, Im sure when you've both had time to reflect on the situation (and SIL catches up on some more sleep!) you'll be able to put this behind you.

diddl - "OP-is their house so big that they had gone into a room where they couldn´t have heard baby if she´d made a noise in the night?

If not, how were they expecting to get a good sleep?"

and furthermore, if that's the case, if they were in their own room, and the baby was to be in her own room, how the hell do they hear her on a normal night?
how do they ensure that the baby is alive and not sleeping?

I think co-sleeping is a love or hate thing and can really divide people. Your SIL obviously doesn't want to use this method, and I think you WBU for doing it. She asked you to go around and mind her DD so your SIL and BIL could sleep, not to help her find new ways to comfort her daughter. Part of her anger may have been down to her dissapointment that someone else has been able to settle her child.

I am against co-sleeping, and would be very angry that someone co-slept with my baby without my consent. I do find it strange, however that the SIL seems to be getting a bit of stick from MNetters for putting her 6wo DD in her own room as it goes against SIDS advice, yet the samer MNetters are advocating co-sleeping, which is against SIDS advice?

Well you went there to lookafter their baby whilst they slept. You didn't go there to sleep yourself, so you shouldn't have co-slept if you weren't asked to. Also, unless it was my own flesh and blood, I would feel really uncomfortable if another unrelated relative spent the night with my baby because I think having the baby with you through the night is a bonding experience in itself, and I wouldn't want my baby to become attached like that to someone else.

In saying the above, I think your SIL is an idiot for choosing not to BF her lactose intolerant baby. How selfish. Then making the baby suffer more by leaving her in a room alone. Did she have a baby to enjoy and nurture or to be seen and not heard? I can't understand some people.

It did cross my mind that sil thought you might have bf her ds; which for someone who seems averse to bf her own baby would be a Big Deal.

What I think actually happened is that an exhausted new mother went to her baby's cot and found it empty. I'm not surprised she freaked.

Both parties were unreasonable imo, but I understand both sides.

co-sleeping isn't against SIDS advice per se - co-sleeping after drinking or smoking is, and if you're a heavy sleeper.

but the point we're making is that if the SIL is that worreid about cot deatch, then she should also be worried about leaving the baby in her own room to sleep.

It was overnight & OP has a youngster of her own.

Why wouldn´t she be expected to sleep?

Well....

I think you were maybe a teensy bit unwise to co-sleep when you presumably had a fair idea that this was not their usual routine.

But I think they were massively unreasonable to ask you to help and then shout at you because you magically didn't do it the exact way they would have wanted. I think Anniversaire and NorthernLurker are probably right and SIL's anger is less to do with the co-sleeping and more because her method of coping is clinging to the routine, and you've called that into question, and also probably made her feel like she's an inadequate mother for not being able to settle her own baby.

I can sympathise with how SIL probably feels because I have my own way of doing things (though it's radically different to hers) and would be upset if someone did things differently to me - for eg if someone put my child in a room and let it cry itself to sleep. But you know what? That's why I don't ask other people for help in situations where I would be upset if they didn't do things my way! If you're paying then you have a right to dictate how things are. If you ask someone a favour (especially a HUGE favour like an entire overnight stay) then you don't really have a right to go apeshit if they don't adhere to some magic rulebook you've concocted in your own head.

YABU to co-sleep without speaking to your SIL first. I'd say the fact that they're putting the baby in a cot in a different room would be a fair indication that she is not co-sleeping. Most people who co-sleep are aware that some people are not comfortable with this.

It's not torture for someone to put their baby in another room to sleep, for heaven's sake. That's what we did with DD 25 years ago when raising her in the states. Common practice there. No advice re SIDS on that then.

And having had a friend whose child died from SIDS, yes, I would be livid if someone co-slept with my baby without speaking to me about it first. I am not comfortable with it myself, even though I am a fairly light sleeper. No way would I want someone else doing it - I don't know their sleeping habits, heavy vs light sleeper, rolling around a lot. It's not worth the risk IMO. If something HAD happened, would you have been able to live with that?

Perhaps she didn't mention "not" to co-sleep because it simply didn't occur to her that would you do that. For some reason, to me, it seems incredibly personal, and I wouldn't presume to do that with someone else's baby.

I think if you were concerned that the baby was in another room, you could always have bunked out on the floor in the baby's room with pillow and blanket so the baby could hear you (and it goes along with the current medical advice). After all, it's only for one night.

You do seem to be making a few assumptions about her care of the baby, implying that it's starved for affection, which I think are a bit silly. And you also seem just a bit patronising about their parenting decisions. You can certainly point out options to her, such as co-sleeping, and putting the baby in her room instead of a separate room, but it is your SIL & BIL's decision, not yours, and you need to respect that.

Pomme there is nothing wrong in asking for help overnight if you are really sleep deprived. Adults have to think about their health too and if they will be too tired to drive or work

I spent almost 4 years working as a maternity night nanny - looking after babies just so that the parents could sleep. The reasons that people needed me was varied, most were parents to multiples, some had health issues and others just knew that they needed a good night's sleep to be able to function the following day.

If I had co slept, the babies would have never got used to sleeping in their own bed which wouldn't have helped the families at all in the long run.

Just don't offer to do it again. I think they are bloody ungrateful.

YWNBU. How kind to volunteer to help out overnight when you have a baby of your own.

Worried about your SIL though - everyone is tired with a newborn but I've never met anyone who was so desperate that they just handed the baby over to someone else at such a young age. Were they planning on just ignoring the screaming, I can't imagine many mothers would be able to do that. It does all sound very unusual behaviour.

So unless your SIL actually said no co-sleeping, I don't see how keeping the baby quiet was a problem if what they had asked for was a night's sleep.

I think I would email your SIL (prob too tired and emotional for a sensible discussion). Say you are sorry if you upset her, but were just trying to comfort the baby and let her and your bro (or dh bro?) sleep as they seem so desperately tired and down. I would suggest she contacts her hv and give a link to FSIDS web site.

Paulamummyknowsbest - you are talking about a very different scenario - you were a paid professional to advice and work for the parents. The OP was asked to do this couple a favour, a fairly big favour at that.

different scenario but same ending.

If you co sleep, of course the baby will be happy. They are happiest snuggling to someone warm. That isn't helping the SIL though if she wants the baby to sleep in its own bed.