To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

Does it matter if it sounds judgey, babies do need contact! And crying is not good for them and their developing brains. I think I'd rather sound judgey than think of the poor mite all alone crying for hours.

the baby should not be in a room on its own at 6 weeks old

you were wrong to co-sleep if the parents are opposed to it

parents sound a bit fraught and new to it all to me not sure an apology will be enough - however in my opinion they are getting it terribly wrong - poor things

OP you sound a bit defensive, try not to be, it won't help matters and you've no need. You made a judgment and inadvertently upset her, she overreacted massively.

I hope it does get resolved. Could dh ring them on your behalf and say you're very upset and honestly intended no harm.

Yes anniversaire, it is completely different. And I would personally much prefer it if someone looking after my baby did everything they could to minimise any distress. (Provided obviously they did so with in safety recommendations)

However, I can see that if you are a determined non-cosleeper (a no matter what, we're not doing that non-cosleeper) that it would feel like a betrayal of your parenting principles.

The SIL should have made it clear that that is how she felt and that that was part of the reason why the 6 week old baby is already in her own room.

I think the OP did a nice, sensitive, intuitive thing, but as it is not her child, the only thing she can do to heal the relationship with her BIL and SIL is to apologise and not do it again. Trying to change their minds about the propriety of co-sleeping won't work (not that I'm suggesting that that is what she will try to do)

I dont think they ;leave it alone crying for hours, that's why they've had no sleep..they obviously go to it at night. well I imagine so.

As soon as I noticed that it was a lot easier to wake for my 2yo if he was in my room, in my bed and I didn't have to get too upright, and I could get back to sleep far better afterwards, I stopped trying to shift him into his own room...

as I said, the lazy way but boy does it work. He slept beautifully as did the next one.

if it ain't broke and all that. It's just when they get to 12 years old and you have to pay them to sleep in their own bed

there is no reason for a 6 week old to be in a room on its own

there is every reason based on current thinking for it to be in a room with its parents until 6 months

bestnameever yep exactly what I was trying in a teething-baby-sleep-deprived way :-)

I think you were being V unreasonable in co-sleeping in your DN. I would think that by stating the baby sleeps in it's own room, it is fairly obvious that the parents want the baby to sleep in it's cot, in its own room. By co sleeping you blatantly disregarded the opinions of the mother and that's bang out of order IMHO.

Also, you do come across as a tad patronising that the baby needs human contact and it's obvious that cosleeping is better. I don't think that is always the case. I tried cosleeping with my eldest, but it didn't work, she was always waking, I was knackered and ended up rolling on top of her. I moved her out of my bed that night and into a cot next to my bed, and she stopped waking at all. Turns out she needed her own space - co sleeping was not for her. Babies are individuals you can't assume they all want cuddles and cosleeping - so please don't assume your way is automatically best - cosleeping doesn't work for every baby, or indeed every family.

I agree with you activate but as it is obviously something they have decided to do against all current recommendations, I don't think they will respond well to that being pointed out to them.

Seconded BestNameEver

I think it's all been said really but I feel sorry for the lot of you! You are just trying to help, baby just wants a cuddle and your sister in law is so tired she is probably feeling psychotic.

It'll all come out in the wash.

"She has never said that she agrees or disagrees with it."

So if she has made any judgements about your co-sleeping, she has been tactful enough to keep it to herself. Would you have appreciated her saying she disapproved of it???

And regardless of whether or not she has SAID it, again, it is VERY CLEAR by her stating that they are putting the baby to bed in a cot in a separate room that they are NOT co-sleeping... how difficult is it, really, to figure out?

I just do not understand all these people saying that this is a control issue or that she was upset because you got the baby to sleep when she didn't. For heaven's sake, why can't she simply be upset that she doesn't like the idea of co-sleeping and was upset that you did it?

Bottom line, you should have asked. I still say it was obvious that they weren't doing it, and you're obviously aware that some people are quite against it.

The SIL can't have been that tired since she had just had 11 hours sleep!
I would prob have been pissed off too though bcos it reminds me of my mum, who, if she did help would do stuff she knew I wouldnt like, and then be really smug if it worked.
I do think it's ok to ask for help, but to expect that people do things your way actually.
However do agree that 6 weeks in own room is bordering on cruel.

I think YWBU. I would have been livid if you had done this to me. When my twins were tiny babies, I was (I recognise now - didn't at the time) suffering from PND, and was of the opinion that the only way to get through the day (and night) was to stick rigidly to a routine. If I were to have another baby (unlikely) I would no doubt be a little more relaxed, BUT had I asked a family member to help out (which would have taken a lot - I was determined to "manage" - perhaps the OP's SIL is in the same position) and that family member had taken it upon herself to do the absolute opposite of what DH and I were trying to achieve, I would have been really really angry and upset. My DTDs slept in their own room from birth, and were sleeping through by 10 weeks. Our issue was feeding, rather than sleeping, and had someone come in and FF them, when I was strugging with BF (which I kind of see as an appropriate comparison here) it would have floored me completely.

OP - I get that you were trying to help, but you need to think very carefully about what you did and how that would have come across to your SIL when she is in a very very vulnerable situation - basically, you have flaunted to her that her "way" is wrong. You have behaved very insensitively, IMO, and I really think you owe her an apology. Co-sleeping is a contentious issue, and if she is very clearly against it, there is NO WAY you should have done it. I feel very strongly about this.

It was nice of you to help out, but in your SIL's mind, you didn't help, you've pushed their efforts to get their DD to settle in her own cot back a step. I sympathise with them. Whether she is right or wrong, she is a sleep deprived new mum, possibly with PND, and doing what you did really hasn't helped her at all I'm afraid.

I'm not saying a control issue is wrong. I have them, they are often valid.

I can see why sil is gutted.

I was just trying to explain it.
I don't think anyone acted wrongly except the arguing afterwards.

I think it's just a misunderstanding.

You were just trying to help and I can easily see how you ended up co-sleeping when you didn't really intend to. Baby settled and sleeping- why risk waking her?

I also think your sil is probably completely irrational and defensive due to extreme sleep deprivation.

I really wish someone had convinced me of the merits of co-sleeping with dd1 when I was psychotic with sleep deprivation. I did co-sleep for 4 months with dd2 and she is a far better sleeper now and get first 6 months were a dream compared to the horror nights we had with dd1.

Anyway, Could you go round for a coffee and a chat? Explain that you didn't intentionally go against their wishes and didn't want to upset them. She might open up to you about her reasons for being so anti.

'Our issue was feeding, rather than sleeping, and had someone come in and FF them, when I was strugging with BF (which I kind of see as an appropriate comparison here) it would have floored me completely.'

That's true, in a way it's a decent analogy BUT it's far more sensitive I think to mess about with feeding schedules - the baby may never have breastfed again and breastfeeding is better for babies.

Sleeping habits are not irreversible at 6 weeks old.
Also sleeping apart is far more for the parents' convenience than the baby's wellbeing imo

i can totally see your point Eviltwins and agree to an extent but I don't think bf/ff is quite the right comparison iyswim

I think you were doing them a rather massive favour and they were totally unreasonable.
You can't hand over a tiny baby to someone else for the night and then scream at them for getting the baby to sleep happily. On what planet is that reasonable behaviour?

Your baby your rules only works when you don't give said baby to someone else for the night, especially when you know what they do with their own and don't specify you don't like it.

You WBU to sleep with her, you knew the SIL didn't want you to, come on OP. It seems to me that you are more experienced than your SIL and quite frankly you think you know better than your her. Hey, maybe you do because what you did worked, but it is not your baby and you don't get to decide.

What about a thread that goes 'I went to help my SIL out, she's struggling to BF but the poor wee mite simply needs more food so I slipped her a bottle of formula and - whaddya know - she slept all night.' It is EXACTLY the same thing and just because people many people on the thread seem to be pro-co-sleeping it doesn't mean that what you did was right. (I co-slept, btw.)

"the baby may never have breastfed again" - possibly, but the issues of sleeping and feeding are so important for tiny babies (and for new parents) that I think they are comparible. And many new parents, me included, get so hung up on these issues that they do end up feeling like the absolute be-all and end-all. If the OP's SIL is really wound up about the baby's sleeping habits, then it will have taken on the same importance in her mind as the feeding issue was for me when my DTDs were tiny, and anyone interfering, changing the routine or doing the polar opposite of what you are trying to do yourself will seem massive. I think the OP is being insensitive, and more than a little smug. As another poster said earlier, just because your way is different, it doesn't make it better.

OP did the parents stay in the house while you were there over night?

Interfering? er hello, she asked her to come and take the baby overnight? Saying yes is interfering?

I think you were hugely unreasonable. I know you were trying to help, but you must have known that they don't co-sleep and would therefore prefer dn to not cosleep with someone?

Yes but if you were struggling to BF and determined not to use bottles, would you hand your baby over to a mum who FF her babies and NOT say "please don't give him any bottles"? Of course you would!

If it's massively important to you, you mention it.

"The SIL can't have been that tired since she had just had 11 hours sleep!"

Surely even one night after 11 hours' sleep, having not slept well for 6 weeks, sil could well have still been tired, perhaps a bit befuddled, and shocked on waking and finding her baby "missing".