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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 06/08/2011 16:56

This thread makes me v glad for our sensible midwife who firmly said before we were discharged from hospital 'Now at this age you CANNOT spoil her so just do what she needs you to do' Best bit of newborn advice ever. That said dd1 did mostly sleep in her carry cot. Dd2 and dd3 were co-sleepers from birth and we were all happier like that.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:57

I agree that sil is probably pissed off that her dd actually slept. It was not my intention to upset anyone but I can see that iwbu by not asking first.

OP posts:
Collision · 06/08/2011 16:57

I really feel for you and hope you come back to the thread.

A horrible situation.

Some people ask for help and then get annoyed that you have sorted out a situation.

My SIL asked for help when DN was constipated. I researched it and told her what I had found out. She totally ignored what I said and said that she didnt think DN would like the taste of it! DN continued with terrible constipation, crying and in pain but she refused to take the advice.

Your SIL is tired, very tired and over reacted but I totally see why you did what you did.

I actually think she was BU in asking you in the first place and I hope she has had time to think and might apologise to you.

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 16:58

No no I really reckon the entire problem is that the routine wasn't followed, and that to the SIL means her baby will never sleep properly in a trained manner again Sad

She is working on this project to get the baby into a state where it has learned to sleep in the way they want it to

and you just set them backa few paces

you cheated on the plan

their plan is ruined

it isn't about getting it to sleep NOW, it's about making sure it will be a good baby after all the sacrifice and hard work is put in...this is the training bit, the baby isn't supposed to sleep yet UNLESS it's done PROPERLY Sad

Northernlurker · 06/08/2011 17:00

I reckon that's about right anniversaire. How very depressing.

belgo · 06/08/2011 17:00

Northernlurker and I suspect that this couple want vindication (and sympathy) that they are doing everything right and that it's their baby that's a 'difficult' baby; but by getting the baby to sleep well, the OP has disproven this.

GhoulLasher · 06/08/2011 17:02

YABU but I'm with you. Some babies need to be right there wth a big person. They just do.

valiumredhead · 06/08/2011 17:02

Well if that IS the case anniversaire - and I think you are probably right, it is completely U of the SIL to expect OP to be up all night with a screaming baby - the baby is already out of routine being in a different house without its mum.

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 17:02

not sil's fault she thinks this way though

after 4 more babies she will be letting them sleep in their buggy Grin

give her a wide berth and apologise, she is in that state of utter, utter panic some people have with new babies, and it's understandable, but later she will know you did nothing wrong. You just misunderstood her wishes.

GhoulLasher · 06/08/2011 17:03

I am also thinking that Aniversaire is right. My mate is the same. Her baby isn't held unless he's being fed basically.

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 17:06

i mean I don't think they're evil or anything. It's a fine balance between going very much witht he flow (ie no routine, sleep wherever, whenever, as much as blardy possible please) and the thinking which says, start some kind of system - it might be good in the long run.

The problem is no one knows where to stand in that continuum

I never knew
I just did it the lazy, here and now way. Had a made a bit more effort I might not still be bfing and cosleeping at 4yo, but i digress Grin

It is a fine line to tread. They think they are doing the right thing, it's all a blur, I'm sorry for everyone in the situation but no one did anything wrong apart from the shouty bit.

noddyholder · 06/08/2011 17:06

My ds was a dreadful sleeper and tbh if someone had come along with a better idea than me that worked at 6 weeks or 6 months I would have been over the moon with the advice (and the sleep!). I think we have become far too self obsessed with things like this and maybe if we reached out a bit more and accepted that sometimes someone else might have another approach we may all be a lot happier and consider the family of a child to be more than just what is within our own 4 walls!

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 06/08/2011 17:08

Yabu for not asking her first but yanbu to do it if sil was ok with it.

What is unreasonable is when my mum looked after ds for 1 night when he was 6 months old and she co slept with him in the travel cot and on the sofa. This is a 56 year old smoker with a medical condition which could cause a coma. (by the say my sister was also there should anything happen to my mum, my sister just didn't feel she could handle a baby by herself).

Plus I honestly never thought my
Mum would do anything so stupid considering she managed to raise 3 children without major incident.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/08/2011 17:09

anniversaire I think you are probably right.

Tbh I can't see why they are soooo much more knackered than the average new parent, so knackered that they need to call in external family help. If the baby is FF then the parents can do a night each in rotation - at the weekends at least, SIL can sleep during the day when the baby does etc etc.
I have never in my life heard of anyone just handing their baby over for a whole night to a relative and just going to bed. Does the SIL have PND maybe that is making her behave like a loon?

piggly - YANBU. I think you did a lovely thing, and it is a shame that they aren't more grateful to you.

And you poor little niece, who clearly just needs some cuddles :(

pommedechocolat · 06/08/2011 17:09

I think SIL is perfectly within her rights to object to co-sleeping. It doesn't feel right to some people when they are so little (myself included) and you should have checked with them on their views on it.

Just because you don't co-sleep doesn't mean you never hold your baby ffs, that seems to be a HUGE assumption based on your own beliefs OP tbh.

bellavita · 06/08/2011 17:10

I think SIL and BIL were being unreasonable.

They got a good nights sleep, poor OP thought DN cryimg would disturb their sleep and did what was best in a situation where both parents were frazzled.

They should apologise to you OP.

valiumredhead · 06/08/2011 17:11

It wouldn't occur to me to check first, it really wouldn't. It would be a case of whatever gets us through the night.

deemented · 06/08/2011 17:11

I don't think YWBU at all.

They asked for your help, so that they could get a good nights sleep. You provided that.

Think they need to get a grip tbh - who in their right mind leave a six week old baby alone in a room on it's own all night???

diddl · 06/08/2011 17:11

I also think annieversaire might be right.

But to expect someone else to lose sleep over the way you are "training" your baby is selfish in the extreme imo.

OP-might it also be the co sleeping?

I wouldn´t be happy about my baby sharing a bed with an adult-unless the baby wasn´t under the adult duvet.

But if I was being asked to do night feeds as a favour for parents to sleep, I´d expect the cot to be in the same bloody room as me!

BertieBotts · 06/08/2011 17:13

For a six week old I think YABU. You won't have the same instincts with a baby which is not your own so I think it was risky. And also, could you imagine if your SIL had done the opposite with your DS? Say you were really struggling and even though you slept with him he was not settling, she offered to help out and after trying to settle him your way for an hour thought "This is ridiculous, I'll just try something which I know works" and did controlled crying with him? I expect you wouldn't be upset that he'd slept all night, but upset by the method with which she achieved this.

I would have so badly wanted to do the same but I think you should have asked first.

Northernlurker · 06/08/2011 17:14

The sil and bil are treating the baby like a child. That the crying is in some way wilful.

OP - did they go to any antenatal classes? Have they ever said anything to you about their attitude to parenting?

valiumredhead · 06/08/2011 17:15

I have just re read post properly Blush you went THERE OP? Where did they go? Shock

pomme I can't see where the OP says because she's not co sleeping she's not holding her baby Confused

diddl · 06/08/2011 17:17

OP-is their house so big that they had gone into a room where they couldn´t have heard baby if she´d made a noise in the night?

If not, how were they expecting to get a good sleep?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/08/2011 17:18

pomme - checked when? At gone 11pm when the SIL and BIL had gone to bed to get the sleep they needed soooo badly that they had to get their brother and sister to come from an hour away with their own baby and take over for the night?

I think the OP was trying to do the right thing by letting them sleep. Not her fault they are ungrateful.

5inthebed · 06/08/2011 17:18

I agree with Annie. I can remember being a new parent, thinking a routine was the best thing in the world, followed it rigidly and got upset if someone else dared suggest something else.

Op, YWBU to co-sleep with a child that was not your own, anything could have happened. I would not have one this with a child that was not mine.