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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 18:55

Lying on a double bed with a baby is not comparable to feeding it crap!

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 18:55

i think op already had a pov and was enacting her own beleisf upon sil

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 18:58

what is comparable is not considering parental preference.the principle of acting unilaterally.doing whatever it takes,suiting self.purposefully ignoring parental wishes

all mine slept in own cot.own room from birth.i never had to explicitly tell family or guests dont co-sleep my baby.as they would not have been so intrusive

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 18:59

that aint' the point though with respect. It may be true or not. Point is SIL went loopy and yelled at OP for lying on a bed with her baby.

We are trying to establish whether this was reasonable action on behalf of OP and I think it was.

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:01

Well I think we all have our PsOV and if OP hadn´t tried to settle baby in the cot then I would have thought she WBU & just doing it her way to prove a point.

At the end of the day, does anyone really think that she should have stayed awake all night?

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 19:01

point is op purposefully ignored parents.did her own thing. imposed herself and her beliefs despite knowing parents dont co-sleep

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 19:02

Did you ever leave them with your baby all night though, go to your own room 3 floors away and switch off the monitor? Did you?

If you had I would suggest they would be entitled to use a little bit of initiative as it was an intrusive situation from the off. Even if OP was being passive aggressive in doing what she thought best, because so muchw as being demanded of her, I'd still think she was right to do it. Basically because it was the only optiopn but to sit by a screaming baby for several hours, and there were no specific contingency instructions.

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:02

What should she have done?

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 19:03

scottishmummy - I disagree with you.

Why do you not use spaces when you type posts?

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:04

Also, if she had left baby crying, wouldn´t that have disturbed everyone?

And what about the baby´s right to some sleep?

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 19:04

She didn't purposely ignore the parents. She put the baby's needs first. That is not wrong.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 19:05

"She put the baby's needs first" - in her opinion.

Not in mine. Or the baby's parents'

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 19:08

I dunno how shush pat works (or whatever they were using) but if it means you don't pick up a 6wko that's yelling, I'd think it's a bit shit.

I didn't think it was recommended till at least 6 months anyway but do correct me.

If they had spent an hour talking her through the technique, what to do if baby wakes up, where to sit, whether to carry baby or not, then ok. But they didn't I don't think.
They just gave a simple instruction to put her in her cot. Thatw as it.

IMHO I reckon actually they just wnated someone to blame because it was going seriously tits up even before OP arrived. They went on strike. Then they had an excuse to change the pattern they'd been trying to stick to.

Not sure if I'm right but tis a hunch and they DID blame OP for the bad night they had subsequently. I think it was an epiphany for them and probably unconsciously set up to be such. They just wouldn't admit it

Animation · 07/08/2011 19:08

When you've got a screaming baby you do the best you bloody can, if you're not it's parent.

Good grief.

I'd have gone home - you did right OP!

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 19:08

Evil twins - the baby was not sleeping. The baby was distressed. The op knew the baby has been distressed like this for some time. She was able to resolve that. Of course she was putting the baby first. If she had been putting herself first she would have gone back to her room and left the baby to scream.

Cheeseandbiscuits · 07/08/2011 19:08

Hmm tricky one. We co-slept wth DD out of necessity not choice - we were desperate for some sleep and that seemed the only way to get some rest. When my family took DD from us so we could get a bit of sleep, I knew what a terrible sleeper she was so I just told them to whatever it takes.

TBH, I prob would have done the same in OP position and wouldn't have expected to get flamed by my Dsil - she was doing them a favour, it was only for one night. But I can also see her Dsil point of view too. YANBU but both have valid points of view.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 19:09

no.she interpreted baby needs influenced by her own preferences and what she did for her own child.she knowingly took oppositional stance to the parents and frankly deserved to have been berated

blowthewindsoutherly · 07/08/2011 19:10

OP - you knew you were going to look after a 6 week old baby who didn't settle and whose parents kept her in another room.

It MUST have crossed your mind what you would do to settle her, SURELY? Or did you go into it with no plan whatsoever? Because I can't imagine going into that situation and not clearing in advance what was ok and what was not. I guess the same could be said for the parents but they haven't slept for 6 weeks so deserve more of the benefit of the doubt on that.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 19:12

I think the OP DID put the child's needs first. The child needed to sleep and did sleep that night.

Surely to god the SIL should have said how the HELL did you do that - I'm going to do that in future?

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 19:14

ive babysat friend baby cried+++.called parents asked them return. they did. i didn't think well only me here,whatever it takes...

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 19:14

SM - were the parents having much success with their stance or did they look (and behave) like the living dead?

Different strategies work for different babies. I don't think there is any room for idealogy here. Some babies will not react well to co-sleeping. Others won't do anything else. I think it's like nearly all aspects of parenting actually - try something and if it doesn't work CHANGE it not cling to the wreckage of what you thought would happen.

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:14

"she interpreted baby needs influenced by her own preferences and what she did for her own child."

But don´t we all do that to an extent when trying to soothe a baby, don´t we often do what worked for us & ours?

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:15

But what would the point have been of disturbing the parents as OP was there for them to sleep for the night.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 19:16

But scottishmummy, the parents had specified that they needed to sleep. this apparently more important than the baby sleeping.

If they had said wake us if she cries, that's different but she didn't have recourse to that. So she winged it.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 19:22

op had instructions and knew baby slept in cot in own room,as sil told her so
Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there - so like most other nights the baby didnt settle. in which case,hard as it is,waken parents

my friend follow gf and when i watch her baby it is all written and explicit instructions to adhere to. i do so.as its her baby not mine. i dont follow any regimes but that doesnt mean i just do own thing with someone else baby