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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 07/08/2011 17:08

Piggy -I haven't read whole thread as I don't want to. I feel sorry for you all. Sorry for you being shouted at when you were trying to help (although I think you needed to ask permission and if they said no, then sit up all night with the baby just to get them the magic sleep) and sorry for this poor family not sleeping.

I understand they wouldn't want to co-sleep particulary whilst extra extra tired. I find this is direct contrast to putting the baby in it's own room. They are said to be safer in our rooms as they need noise and stimulation to keep them out of excessive deep sleep.

We make this so hard for ourselves don't we. God it must have been much easier back in the day when we all ljust lived in caves and a grisley child would be simply passed on to another cave mamma. It's such a shame that our early weeks are overshadowed by the pressures of modern 'parenting' and our need to forward plan and safegaurd our sleeping routines in 2 years time. Why do we worry about how the child will sleep when it is 1 or 2? Why not just deal with tonight?

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 17:18

to purposefully ignore parental wishes is provocative.no wonder it caused aggro.despite knowing they did not cosleep,op made decision and imposed her preference. clearly op doest ideologically agree,and justifies her actions with some babble about what she feels someone else baby needs

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 17:34

honeyandsalt - thanks for the Biscuit I prefer coffee though.

There is a world of difference between co-sleeping and following a rigid GF style routine to the letter.

The smuggery on this thread disgusts me.

reelingintheyears · 07/08/2011 17:34

Well anyway,it was really only one night...

Hardly a hanging offense.

As for causing aggro....all sides need to get over it.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 17:38

so its ok to purposefully ignore and disregard parental wishes?only did it the once and all that...so next time op has an oppositional opinion to her sil,does she still just pile in and do own sweet thing anyway

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 17:42

Apparently so, SM. And apparently the majority of the posters on this thread would be OK with coming home after a rare break to find their Mother (or other unpaid babysitting famiy member) had given their EBF 22 week old fruit shoots and chips, and let them stay up watching re-runs of Jeremy Kyle - after all, it was what the family member instinctively felt was best for baby, and it was only the once.

Grin Hmm

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 17:43

The OP did nothing wrong. She did what the parent asked, the baby screamed. Was she meant to go and wake the parent and say your baby doesn't want to go in her cot, therefore defeating the object of her being there. She did what the baby needed.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 17:45

no she wasnt asked.she decided her way was best.she imposed herself without consent or discussion

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 17:46

FAB - the parent asked her to put the baby in her room. She did what she wanted to do. Which was wrong as it was the opposite of what the mother asked her to do.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 17:47

the mum didnt request up to cosleep.op imposed her ideological belief and own parenting style

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 18:06

But the baby screamed when she was put in the cot so what was she meant to do? Leaving a 6 week old to cry is cruel.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 18:09

I still think the SIL would have been a lot happier had the OP really suffered that night.

RedHotPokers · 07/08/2011 18:10

Agree with SM.

I have struggled with whether YABU or not as I would be FURIOUS if someone co-slept with my DCs (or ff them, or weaned them etc etc) without discussions with me. However, I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I would invite my SIL (or anyone else really) into my house overnight to look after my newborn whilst I slept.

However OP, the comments you made to your DH (in your OP) show that you do actually believe that your ILs parenting leaves something to be desired, and it almost seems like you are attempting to right their wrongs IYSWIM.

That in itself is VVVVU.

diddl · 07/08/2011 18:16

Agree, Imperial

I think that the OP should have woken the parents up, told them that she couldn´t settle baby, & gone home.

ChristinedePizan · 07/08/2011 18:19

Anyone who thinks that 6 week old babies are capable of being sleep-trained needs their head examining.

I would have done exactly as you did OP.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 18:21

I think when you've been explicitly left in charge of a very tiny baby for an entire night you do what ever it takes to get the child into a contented state.

Babies only know what they need NOW. I think to lay it on a large bed is not that different to laying it in a cot, and so what if you then lie down somewhere near it on the same bed...and doze, rather than settle into a deep sleep.

It's a massive difference to my co sleeping with my own children which was much closer, much more intimate and probably more dangerous.

If OP had moved the baby back to its cot it probably would have woken yet again.

It was such a delicate situation. The baby wasn't settling in its cot so she tried something else. It was that or sit up all night with a screaming baby - is that good for anyone?

having only ONE set of rules to resort to in that situation is untenable. Babies don't obey rules. You have to try everything. If the parents didn't want disturbing then no, she shouldn't have woken them at midnight or whatever to ask. that woul;d have defeated the object entirely.

They abandoned her with a baby and one set of rules, which they didn't expand on in case they didn't work. OP used her initiative.

I'm glad they have asked to borrow the co sleeper. Really glad.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 18:38

no.waken the parents explain baby distressed.you dont just do whatever you fancy or you think it takes.so if it takes sugar in bottle,
or crumbled rusk in milk
or some medised...is that ok

plenty parents exercise those judgements daily,and in their opinion that is doing what it takes.

with your own baby you do what it takes
someone else baby you let them make that judgement call

diddl · 07/08/2011 18:43

But really, if OP was going to wake the parents, what was the point of here being there?

I think unless they expected her to stay awake all night, why were they surprised at what she had done?

They can´t settle their baby, so why did they think that someone else would be able to?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/08/2011 18:45

waken the parents explain baby distressed

And then get a bollocking from them anyway because your 'job' was to keep the baby out of their sight while they caught up on their sleep?

If you're so intent on having as little to do with your 6 week old as possible that you'd palm them off on a passing family member then I'm afraid you take a chance that they might not follow your rules to the letter.

Anyone who believes they are in a battle of wills with a 6 week old needs a kick up the arse, hormones or not.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 18:45

You can't compare putting he baby to sleep next to you as putting sugar in its bottle Hmm.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 18:45

I don't get the impression that they did expect the OP to settle the baby. They asked her to come over so that they could get some sleep - IMO, the actions of desperate parents. The OP agreed to help out - knowing, I expect, that the baby didn't sleep, and therefore accepting, IMO, that she wouldn't get much sleep herself.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 18:46

so when you leave your baby with family does that really mean they can do whatever they wish,exercise any decision even if they know you wouldn't chose it

so if you leave baby with mil,and she feeds it sausage roll.is that ok as she did what she had to and she done it before and never came to any harm

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 18:48

aha so you don't like an unwarranted action like sugar in bottle.all humpy face
but accept unwarranted action like co-sleep
can you see the principle is unwarranted actions are intrusive.

diddl · 07/08/2011 18:50

What´s with all the pretendy scenarios/what ifs?

What have they got to do with anything.

The point was for the parents to sleep.

It happened.

They didn´t say OP had to stay awake all night.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 18:53

I don't think feeding it random substances comes under the heading 'whatever it takes' when basically all the OP did was get it to sleep safely somewhere different to its usual bed. then doze next to it till it woke again.

How close to their routine did they expect her to stay - they did not specify, was she allowed to pick it up if it cried, walk around with it, take it for a drive in its car seat, rock it, sing to it, put it in a bouncy chair, sit on the sofa with it, there are a zillion things she might have got wrong.

Or was she just meant to leave it there in its cot and pat it on the back while it screamed the house down all night?

I still cannot figure out exactly what they hoped to achieve with this night of 'respite'. They already knew the baby would be distressed...that was surely the point of turning off the monitor. So there was little point in the OP going and informing them of this.

It sounds like they didn't want to accept that she might have cracked it, because it came as such a shock, but I'm impressed that they had the guts after all that to ask to borrow the co sleeping thingy.

That must have taken something...not to try and save face at all costs. I think they just wanted, fairly, to be in control of their own decisions.

Still don't think anyone is wrong really. Battle of wills thing is very sad but they might grow out of this.

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