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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2011 15:28

OP-what are they going to do until you can get your cot to them?

Baby´s cot in with them with a side off?

campergirls · 07/08/2011 15:34

It just seems to me that this is not a good situation for either the parents or the baby. In the same scenario, I'd hope to have the humility and flexibility NOT to fetishise my personal preference as being more important than anything else. But I was very much of the pragmatic, 'whatever works' school of parenting, so I'll admit that I have trouble getting my head round absolutist 'my way or the highway' approaches to parenting.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 15:49

op probably just has a bruised ego,she isnt the hard done to one here

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 15:55

I ended up co-sleeping because I was afraid of what might happen if I didn't - was getting up to bf dd in a totally exhausted state and then nearly falling asleep in the nursing chair with dd on my lap. I was terrified that I would drop her, so I concluded that co-sleeping with precautions was infinitely safer than the alternatives. It worked well for us - my only regret is that I didn't start co-sleeping earlier.

OP, I think you were lovely to help out in the first place, and you obviously just followed your instincts so yadnbu. But I do sort of understand your SIL's reaction as she is probably feeling exhausted, insecure and overwhelmed. Hope that they try the co-sleeping and find that it helps. And hope that you can all put this behind you soon, for the benefit of your little niece.

Oh, and if they have the cheek to ask for help again, I'd just explain that it goes against your conscience to follow their rules and suggest that they ask MIL to help out instead.

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 16:01

Scottishmummy, if the OP had stuck strictly to the "not my baby" approach, then I very much doubt that she would have agreed to help out in the first place. Not her baby, and not her problem either.

She was asked to help out and she did!

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:06

she wasnt asked to cosleep,nor disregard parental wishes
she did her own sweet thing ignoring parents

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 16:08

@evil - here love, have a [tea] and a Brew. Actually, there's plenty of evidence to say that co-sleeping, safely done, is much better for mum and baby than sticking them in a seperate room. For example, the breathing of mum helps stimulate the breathing of the baby. My cousin's baby had a life-threatening heart condition and would have died if she and her husband (a doctor) had not gone against the advice at the time and had him in their room, they were able to pick up on a medical emergency.

Very young babies aren't evolved to be independant, and they are all different. So following the GF rulebook isn't going to work for all of them.

If you had your kids in a seperate room from day dot and it worked out for you then great, but it doesn't follow it's the right thing for everyone.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:09

op hasnt help her cactions caused a hugh row and was provocative
invited guest- asked to stay.yes
asked to ignore parental preerences and cosleep.no

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 16:09

She wasn't asked NOT to co sleep either. No the parents don't but they didn't specifically ask the OP not to.

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 16:10

And tbh at night with a screaming baby that wasn't my own I would do my 'own sweet ignorant thing' too!

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 16:11

Oops, sorry, meant to bestow Biscuit upon evil

In fact, Biscuits all round

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:13

well,presumably one doesn't need to instruct guests on what not to do to someone else baby. the fact the sleeping arrangements were explicit,should have been cue enough.the cot in a nursery and mum acknowledging not cosleeep should have been clue enough

based on this well didn't say not to logic
is it ok to give a non weaned baby solids,if parents didn't explicitly say not to

op over stepped the mark

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/08/2011 16:15

I certainly wouldn't buy sil in flowers - gosh you were nice to her on the phone and you did after all care for her newborn (ok 6 week old) overnight so she got some sleep - I means thats a pretty big favour.

Just move on now - hopefully things will smooth over.

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 16:16

But SM, she wasn't just a "guest" who took it upon herself to sleep with her hosts' baby! She was staying because she had been asked to look after the baby overnight to let the parents get some rest - and so she followed her instincts and l

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 16:19

But SM, she wasn't just a "guest" who took it upon herself to sleep with her hosts' baby! She was staying because she had been asked to look after the baby overnight to let the parents get some rest - and so she followed her instincts and looked after the baby in the best way she knew how.

And if I had left my non-weaned baby with someone who I knew had radically different views on weaning to my own, I would most certainly have spelt out clearly what I did and didn't want them to do. And I'd consider it my omission if I had failed to make my wishes clear.

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 16:19

Sorry, posted too early!

TheFrozenMBJ · 07/08/2011 16:21

Well, yes, one dies scottishmummy OP and her family were not guests in the strictest sense. They were asked to help (unpaid help too)

If (and when) I have a babysitter for DS, I make it very clear that he is not to be left to cry, that he should be offered a drink of water and if he doesn't want to settle back into his own cot, that they should hold him untilI get home. AND I have never left him for longer than 4 hours. I would certainly set out quite firm guidelines if I were to leave him overnight.

When he was a tiny baby, I wouldn't have left him for long periods with anyone and expected not to be disturbed, if I did I would set out clearly what is and isn't acceptable.

It is a completely different situation to a guest arriving in your home and ignoring your wishes.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:23

followed instinct=disregarded parent acted intrusively
so if someone instinctively gave bf baby a bottle,is that instinct ok as well thats how they do it...

nightowlmostly · 07/08/2011 16:25

eviltwins "being smug and offering "advice" about how things should be done is incredibly unhelpful and insensitive"

As far as I can make out this isn't what the OP has done, is it?

magicmummy1 · 07/08/2011 16:27

If a bf baby was desperately hungry, mum wasn't around and someone instinctively gave the baby a bottle, then yes, I'd say that was reasonable. Though in that situation, the mother would have been unreasonable to have left her baby to get hungry in the first place.

ll31 · 07/08/2011 16:28

think yabu to have co slept without consulting - to be honest you sound like one of those parents who is convinced that ur experience with ur child means that u are the supreme expert now on all child rearing issues and that therefore what your in laws are doing is wrong.. Think it was v nice of you to babysit but unreasonable to be so judgementl about their parenting..

Tanith · 07/08/2011 16:31

Sounds to me like they need a live-in nanny. If BIL has a high-powered job and they have 4 floors, I don't really understand why they have asked the OP to provide unpaid childcare instead.

I think concerns for the SIL and baby are not smugness, but a genuine worry that she might have PND. Her behaviour and circumstances seem to indicate it.
Oh, and those accusing the OP of judginess should take a good look at their own posts!

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:32

its unacceptable to impose your own parenting preefrnce like this
intrusive and provocative

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 16:33

do stop diagnosing pnd on basis of this.you're just guessing

InFlames · 07/08/2011 16:49

At what point have I judged Tanith??

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