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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 14:46

"Just a little misguided when it comes to sleep!" - in your opinion, OP. You are so judgemental.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/08/2011 14:48

Btw, as someone pointed out upthread, having the baby two floors away means that you are going to be more awake by the time you get down to them. Plus, it means that the baby is going to be wide awake and in a worked up into a complete state by the time they get to them when they hear them crying (sometimes it takes me long enough to get to DS in the next room that hes having a paddy when I get there!) so its no wonder they're not getting any sleep!! [doh]

DumSpiroSpero · 07/08/2011 14:49

I wouldn't go so far as to say your SIL is reasonable and you are not, but I can totally understand why she reacted the way she did tbh.

Her baby is 6 weeks old, difficult to settle and struggling with feeding. She is probably already feeling totally inadequate and your co-sleeping with her DD and achieving what she has been unable to so far will have made her feel 10 times worse and undermined as well.

I had very similar problems with my DD when she was tiny and if I had been in your SIL's situation I dread to think how I would have reacted - seeing someone else calmly sleeping with my baby when in my eyes I had 'failed' to do it myself would have virtually killed me (and yes, I did have raging PND!).

That said, it is obvious you made the choices you did with the best of intentions, so hopefully when things are a bit calmer you will be able to get back on track. I would really urge your SIL (or perhaps see if someone else can suggest it if that's easier) to see her HV, for both DN's sake and her own.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 14:50

its intrusive to cosleep with another woman baby and provocative to do so if you knew they didnt want it. id be angry too.and no psychobabble about human needs and instinct would cut it either

you are determined not to consider their pov, and wishes habitually reassuring yourself that you did right thing

DumSpiroSpero · 07/08/2011 14:50

BTW - to all those who are getting their judgy pants on about the baby being in another room, my DD was in a cot in her own room at 3 weeks on the recommendation of my HV. She was such a noisy, fidgety sleeper I was completely unable to sleep myself with her in the same room.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/08/2011 14:51

No judgy pants here at other room, just at other floor Grin

DumSpiroSpero · 07/08/2011 14:53

Fair play - haven't been able to read whole thread and I'd be a bit Shock at other room!

campergirls · 07/08/2011 14:53

EvilTwins you may well be right that the SIL does not want anyone to co-sleep ever at all with her baby. But what good reason might she have for taking such a strong and inflexible position on it? I honestly don't understand why someone might be so vigorously ideologically opposed to sharing a bed with their child.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 14:54

I don't understand why anyone would want to share a bed with their child. I certainly didn't.

Different people, different views. What's the problem?

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 14:56

I didn't want to co-sleep with mine but dc1 and dc2 had too sometimes or else they wouldn't settle. While in hospital after having dc1 a midwife wrapped dc1 in a blanket and put him in bed with me saying "he needs to be with his mum."

diddl · 07/08/2011 14:59

Let´s hope they all start to get some sleep, then!

Debs75 · 07/08/2011 14:59

i do not think you were unreasonable at all. you are used to co-sleeping and it was a way to help them and baby sleep. in hindsight it might have been better to ask them if they minded, co-sleeping isn't dangerous but i can see her point of it setting a routine she doesn't want to happen.
i do feel she is being harsh on the dd by shunting her off into her own room at 6 weeks. i had all my dc;s with me till at least 9 months, i couldn't bear them being apart overnight, each to thheir own though.
i suspect your sil is sleep deprived and angry with herself for her dd going through such trouble with feeding, if she had trief bf then maybe dd would sleep better.
i hope you can sort through this as they are obv having a hard time and need your support

campergirls · 07/08/2011 15:03

Thanks EvilTwins, so it's just personal preference then? sorry, you were being so vehemently anti it upthread I thought there must be something more going on. I suppose my take here would be that the SIL could say to herself 'I didn't really want to cosleep but the route I've taken so far is clearly not working so maybe it's worth giving it a try'. Personal preference doesn't really strike me as a good enough reason to persevere with a such a crappy situation.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 15:06

Why not? I wouldn't have done it at all. I would have rather slept on the rocking chair in the DTD's room than taken them into bed with me. I was genuinely frightened of what might happen if I fell asleep with them in bed with me.

I don't think that 6 weeks is long enough to decide that something "isn't working". I see nothing wrong with persevering.

TheMonster · 07/08/2011 15:07

I would be angry too, if I was your SIL.

nightowlmostly · 07/08/2011 15:08

Eviltwins why is getting advice from someone who has more experience than you such a bad thing? If I was struggling like the sil obviously is, I'd be grateful for the help!

campergirls · 07/08/2011 15:09

Fair enough, but that fear is a personal ireaction, isn't it? not evidence-based. As others have said, the SiL has chosen to do other things in her parenting that are far more strongly attested as being linked to SIDS than co-sleeping is. As far as the 6 weeks go, we will have to agree to differ, I think personally it is much too long to allow your tiny baby to struggle with sleep as much as this one is doing.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 15:12

nightowl - because in this case, the OP didn't offer advice did she? Advice would have been "have you considered co-sleeping? It worked for us." No, the OP just went ahead and did something which she knew was the absolute opposite of what her SIL was doing. Far too many women consider themselves "experts" by virtue of the fact that they have had a baby themselves. What works for one does not necessarily work for another. And since when was it OK to claim that "personal preference" isn't enough of a reason?

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 15:13

op,apologise profusely and send sil some flowers
make amends and accept they parents differently to you
and no more cosleeping

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 15:14

campergirls - the SIDS thing was not mentioned by the OP. She says that her SIL went ballistic because her baby "could have died" - nothing to do with SIDS - I presume she was referring to the possibility that the OP could have rolled over on the baby - which FWIW, was my main fear with co-sleeping. SIDS never came into it.

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2011 15:17

Oh great, hopefully the co-sleeper cot is going to improve everybody's sleep and smooth family relations Smile

campergirls · 07/08/2011 15:18

Personal preference is not always a good reason for parenting choices, of course not - would a 'personal preference' for slapping your kids upside the head make doing so perfectly OK?

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2011 15:18

And buy flowers for yourself IMO Wink

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 15:20

campergirls - no. Of course not. Don't be facetious. But we're taking co-sleeping or not co-sleeping. If it doesn't come down to personal preference, what does it come down to. Some parents choose to, some parents choose not to. There is evidence for and against both options. It IS about personal preference.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 15:23

if in quandary again do repeat not my baby and respect boundaries and wishes