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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:35

What's ridiculous is putting your baby that young somewhere you know they're not happy, and it's also ridiculous to agree that this is ok

GwendolineMaryLacey · 06/08/2011 20:35

Ok, so not best advised to co-sleep although it obviously wasn't something you set out to do. But I can't get past their treatment of the baby either. Sorry. They are not thinking of their baby's welfare, they're thinking of their own.

Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:36

They didn't have baby monitors when DS1 and DD were babies. We managed just fine. So did a lot of parents.

And actually it's very possible to parents to reach that dreadful stage of exhaustion in this situation. Everyone needs different levels of sleep. I can (and have unfortunately) survived on 4 hours of broken sleep a night for an extended period of time. It's not pretty, and I can have my "raving lunatic" days Grin, but I can survive if need be. DH needs 6 hours or he will make himself (and everyone around him Hmm) mental! DS2 can go for a few days on 2-3 hours per night, before he finally crashes and sleeps a bit longer (say 6 hrs at a stretch). Just because YOU in particular didn't get that tired, it's a bit off to say that NOBODY should get that tired.

RockyRaccoon · 06/08/2011 20:37

I would say to your SIL and BIL what you said to us. That the baby is crying because it wants to be close to someone (even in a cot next to their bed) and this is normal and natural. And that putting a baby under 6 months in their own room is a SIDs risk.

But that it's also up to them how they look after their baby but, if by doing it their own way they don't get any sleep and struggle, don't expect any help from you again.

blowthewindsoutherly · 06/08/2011 20:37

Who 'agreed that it's ok' chicletteeth?

Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:38

Piggyleroux - whisking??? LOL Shouldn't they be in the kitchen then?? Grin

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:38

I'm being called ridiculous, for saying I think it's wrong, ergo, my assumption is that that poster agrees with their tactics

InFlames · 06/08/2011 20:40

chicletteeth I agree it's not something I'd do with my DS, but as parents do they not have the right to choose this parenting method? I'm sure there are things you do - I certainly do- that go against received wisdom?

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:41

triggles - shushing not whisking Grin

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:41

Yes they do.

I didn't start the insults though and won't be called ridiculous for my views without defending them.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 06/08/2011 20:42

I think you did the right thing. Everyone got a good night's sleep. Really pleased that you did AS YOU WERE ASKED! Its not as if you went in and took dn away and slept with her you were asked and then you did the best you could in that situation. Well done and thank you !! Wish you were my SIL!

diddl · 06/08/2011 20:44

"Anyway to to top it off MIL has been on the phone to say I've now created a rod for B + sil backs and I should have let dn cry herself to sleep. "

Phone her back & tell her to bloody well do it, then!

PacificDogwood · 06/08/2011 20:45

Good idea about roping MIL in the next time Grin

petisa · 06/08/2011 20:45

OP I think you should tell her once that you understand she is against co-sleeping but that you were only doing your best for the baby and trying to help, and that the baby is screaming because it needs human contact, there is no such thing as a rod for her back etc. Then give her a very wide berth!!

Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:45

Actually I said it was ridiculous to make the assumption based on a couple judgemental comments made by the OP that the parents are not "decent parents." You don't know them. You are basing this on the OP's perception which may or may not be a bit skewed by her disagreement with their methods.

Just because you don't agree with their methods doesn't mean it's cruel or wrong. Putting a baby in a cot in another room is very common practice in the states, for example. It's now in the SIDS guidelines there as well about sleeping in the same room as the parent, but it's just as common to have the baby in a separate room.

shandyleer · 06/08/2011 20:46

OMG at your MIL Shock

WilsonFrickett · 06/08/2011 20:47

Have to say that even though I very definitely think you WU, WTF is the point of the MIL sticking her nose in and yes, you should very definitely tell her to have a go the next time. Biscuit for MIL!

HildaOgden · 06/08/2011 20:47

'Hilda,I wouldn't have minded if it was a one off. If my ds was screaming then I would have expected them to do the best thing at that time.'

Well that's fair enough,Piggyleroux,I would be of the same mindset myself.Like I said earlier,I personally would have kissed whoever gave me a good nights sleep at that stage.But it's obvious that your sister-in-law is being a bit rigid in her thinking.And she may well be thinking that you were intent on doing it 'your' way,regardless of what her own parenting plans are.

Listen,the best thing to do now is phone her and say sorry(through gritted teeth if necessary) that she's upset,you did the best you could at the time to make sure everyone got a nights sleep because that's what you assumed you had been roped in for.Tell her she has a beautiful baby,and wish her all the best.Then don't do any more favours for her.

Then secretly wish her next pregnancy results in triplets :)

PacificDogwood · 06/08/2011 20:47

Oh, now there is a phrase I loathe: 'rod for you own back' - bollocks!!
Because new babies are manipulative, aren't they Hmm?
They cry to train their parents, so need to be broken in, don't they Biscuit?

And one night won't have done anything much either way wrt the baby's behaviour, anyway.

diddl · 06/08/2011 20:48

Is it really common to have a very young baby in a seperate room?

diddl · 06/08/2011 20:49

"Oh, now there is a phrase I loathe: 'rod for you own back' "

Indeed-because baby will have them bang to rights now-she surely won´t sleep in her own room anymore...oh, wait a minuteHmm

GhoulLasher · 06/08/2011 20:50

I don't think it's common diddl but it does happen where people shove them in there as soon as they get home.

annieversaire · 06/08/2011 20:50

Reindeer has hit the nail on the head I think,

the fact is, she tried the cot thing, but every time the baby was put down it cried again. She tried this for an hour or so. it didn't work, so she tried something else, and the baby slept.

I think by this point she had found herself in a situation where the only thing she could really do was lie down next to the baby, or stay lying there, and try to get a bit of kip.

I'm not sure what else she should have done. Keep carrying the baby all night? Really?

MrsFlittersnoop · 06/08/2011 20:50

Piggy, I would have done exactly the same as you under the circumstances. And I would have undoubtedly had the same reaction from my (bleurk! Gina Ford worshipping) B and SIL. Fortunately they realised that my co-sleeping demand-feeding ways would never do for them, so they had to sort out their kids by themselves!

Why don't you show your SIL this thread? Grin

At least she might begin to understand that there is no one right way of doing this parenting stuff. And sleep-training a 6 WEEK old is a v.v. bad thing to try to do.

Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:53

I don't think it's probably as common here as it is in the states. But I know a fair few that put their babies in a separate room for whatever reason. Their baby, their choice.

Personally, I considered it, as DH snores so loud it's like a buzz saw going off in the room, and god only knows how the babies slept through it, as I have difficulty sometimes. I just figured if the baby fussed, I'd hold a pillow over DH's face to muffle the snores until the baby settles again. Grin

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