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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
Wallissimpson · 06/08/2011 20:25

Nah, she's just pissed off because she knows you got it right and she hasn't and it's her baby!

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:27

They use the monitor on all the other nights. They turned it off because we were there.

OP posts:
Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:27

The fact that they HAVE a baby monitor pretty much implies that it's most likely used. I imagine they didn't use it that night as OP was there.

Their decision to ff the baby has NOTHING to do with the co-sleeping, so I'm not sure why people keep harping on about it. FGS, get over it!

InFlames · 06/08/2011 20:28

Purely out of interest, and i have no idea how it works in this case - those posters who are saying SIL was BU not to BF with severe lactose intolerance - if you don't BF from birth, can you start weeks later when the intolerance is diagnosed?

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:28

It doesn't matter.
Who would do this.
Who on earth drafts somebody in, who they know co-sleeps (which they are obviously against) whilst they sleep three four above with their monitor off.

It's their 6 wo DD, what decent parent does this?

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:28

Anyway to to top it off MIL has been on the phone to say I've now created a rod for B + sil backs and I should have let dn cry herself to sleep.

I'm off now to stick my head in the oven.

OP posts:
blowthewindsoutherly · 06/08/2011 20:30

I can't for the life of me understand why they are so sleep deprived if the child sleeps two floors away and is left to cry herself to sleep.

Explain it to me, please?

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:30

Yes, lay off the formula feeding; who brought it up and why? It's got sod all to do with this situation.

p.s not all parents use baby monitors, most people I know who have them don't use them regularly.

Baby monitor or not, a six week old in a different room, being left in their cot and put back repeatedly even though they don't like it is still shit

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:31

I agree blow I don't see how they are so tired.

Triggles · 06/08/2011 20:31

oh please. now they're not "decent parents?"

How unbelievably ridiculous!

ReindeerBollocks · 06/08/2011 20:31

Some posters seem to imply that you intended to come round and co-sleep with DN - when it seems from your OP that you literally found that the poor girl wouldn't settle unless with close contact. I don't think you had an anterior motive or we're trying to show off your wonderful parenting skills, mores that you sensed that she liked the comfort of being close.

Because of that I don't think you were unreasonable. Had you gone round with an agenda or a plan to co-sleep then yes, I would agree it would have been unreasonable, but this wasn't the case. You were clearly just trying to get her to sleep and that was the one way you found.

Personally if the SIL and BIL didn't insist the baby sleep In her own room then it was very rude of them to shout at OP. It may be a bruised ego, but the reason the OP went round was so the SIL and BIL could sleep. They slept, and shock horror, so did DN. It is them who should be apologising and perhaps be reviewing the way they deal with their newborn.

(I'm not a co-sleeper, well not really, DH was not well enough to co-sleep and I'm not a fan of sharing the space)

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:32

They do go to her when she cries. That is why they are so knackered. They settle her by rocking whisking and then put her back in the cot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:32

Shushing not whisking.

OP posts:
PumpkinBones · 06/08/2011 20:32

I quite often co-slept with DS2 but I wouldn't have been happy about anyone else doing it. DH didn't even really sleep with us when he was in our bed. For one thing, I breastfed so slept with him in a certain position which I felt was less likely to have been a potential hazard, for another thing I, rightly or wrongly, wouldn't trust that anyone else would have the same instinct as me not to roll on / accidentally smother / etc. him.

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:32

Piggley your MIL is a stupid cow.

Rod in their back because they might actually have to settle their baby in, ooh I don't know, a way that settles their baby, rather than in a way they think should?

Jesus christ.

RitaMorgan · 06/08/2011 20:33

Just don't offer to help them again, let them parent their own way - but let them get on with it themselves.

Tell them to pay someone next time they want a favour.

TheFrozenMBJ · 06/08/2011 20:33

Do they usually sleep 2 floors away? From a 6 week old?!?

HildaOgden · 06/08/2011 20:33

Piggleroux,you may have missed my question.How would you feel,honestly, if a relative put your co-sleeping child to sleep alone?Even though they knew your style of parenting is to co-sleep?

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:33

Exactly reindeerbollocks.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 06/08/2011 20:33

I also don't believe that they are bad parents - clearly they are deprived of sleep because they are trying so damn hard with the baby. But someone forgot to tell them the baby didn't read the sleep training manual, and maybe they should try what works - instead of what a book says.

blowthewindsoutherly · 06/08/2011 20:33

I also still don't understand why - when you have a breastfeeding co-sleeping child of your own - were the one who got drafted into doing the night shift for your husband's brother's child - has that been covered somewhere?

How come DH pissed of to bed at ten and left you to it?

chicletteeth · 06/08/2011 20:34

No they aren't bloody decent parents repeatedly putting a 6 week old down when she wants/ needs to be held.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 20:34

Hilda,I wouldn't have minded if it was a one off. If my ds was screaming then I would have expected them to do the best thing at that time.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/08/2011 20:34

I would suggest to the MIL that next time, she can spend the night with the baby.

ReindeerBollocks · 06/08/2011 20:34

Alterior Motive (bloody autocorrect)