To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

I'm really interested in what those sayng it was wrong to sleep next to the baby would have done.

What do you think the OP should have done all night?

the child was not settling in its cot.

should she have just let it cry?

What would be your plan B> because I can't think of an alternative that would be halfway as good as what the OP actually ended up doing.

And why is the baby getting a nice peaceful sleep less important than the SIL's feelings? It should be about the baby, not her bloody routine. That's shit.

Yes, I´m also wondering what BIL & SIL thought OP should have done-still, they were a couple of floors above with no monitor-SLEEPING!

I do feel sorry for your SIL though OP, she sounds as if she has been driven to the brink by sleep deprivation and baby books.

well there's contention as to the importance of the baby's views on its own need for company/sleep/nourishment.

It can't talk yet so we assume it makes no sense and doesn't know what it wants.

but one day it will be grateful that it wasn't reliant on the company of its parents once it was a few weeks old.

Probably.

Yes, you´d think they would be glad that baby had slept well.

Has baby always been in own room-even when puking due to lactose intolerance?

oh it is just so sad. Trying to fit in with the plan you made before you were parents about where everyone would sleep.

Three floors apart
it#s not tenable
surely

God, your MIL is a complete bitch! Did your DH get involved in all of this at any point, OP? Surely he could have done a little bit of sticking up for you, particularly with your MIL?

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but wanted to add my vote for YANBU. You were given the reins, you weren't told not to co-sleep, you did try to follow their routine. You did what was best for that baby IMO.

I hope you and your SIL work it out Piggy.

I can't help but read ops posts as being pretty censorious of sils parenting choices, eg, the whole ff thing with lactose intolerance has nothing to do with this situation. If this comes over in real life bil and sil must have reached the end of their tether to request ops assistance.

I think the op made it pretty clear that she knew co sleeping was not how they parented. She chose to co sleep.

Have to agree that ff a bf baby is a pretty reasonable comparison and I think that very few posters would have felt that was reasonable.

Think op was bu and should apologise and try to cease judging others parenting choices. If that means offering no further help that is perfectly reasonable.

I´m that they involved MIL-and that she got involved tbh, rather than just say "did everyone sleep?-What´s the problem then?"

I co-sleep part time and remember all my babies going through a phase as a newborn where they just wouldn't settle in their cot. I co-sleep when nothing else works but it was not the only answer. swaddled, tightly tucked in, extra blanket, baby on it's side, sleep on an incline, go for a walk or a drive... there are plenty of ways to get an unsettled baby to sleep.

I don't believe anyone other than the parents should co-sleep with a newborn. by agreeing to have baby overnight knowing the baby doesn't settle/sleep well you are agreeing to be up all night worst case scenario. it was a lovely thing to do for the baby (baby needs sleep as much as the adults!) but you went against their parenting choice. if she wants advice on doing it diffently and asks for help then that's one thing.

i hope things work out and you can get past it with sil.

Think you did the right thing OP. Everyone got some sleep - maybe once things settle down your BIL and SIL might see that. Also, maybe just me, but I wouldn't categorise this as co-sleeping! FGS, you spent a loooong time trying to get the little one to sleep in her cot, you couldn't, you lay beside her on a bed and dozed on and off whilst she got a good sleep .... not exactly the same as getting into a made-up bed and snuggling down with her for the night - bet everyone had a much better nights sleep than you did!!

Hope things settle down for you and this blows over with no ill-feeling.

Crikey, what a mess this thread's become.

For the record OP, I DON'T think YWBU, you seem lovely and clearly had your best intentions at heart.

However, I do think your sil had a reason to be angry and I know this has already been covered but wanted to add my twopeneth :

1. If you normally like to be in control, with order and routine, and you are floundering in the wilderness of new parenthood with little support (other than, let's say, your competitive NCT friends and a Gina Ford book to hand ), you are likely to clutch at anything that helps to restore a feeling of normality and order back into your life. If your sil has been indoctrinated by GF, for example, then she is bound to believe that the ONLY way to reintroduce some order and normality into her otherwise bewildered world will be to follow the routine to the letter. As a first time parent perhaps she doesn't realise that there are other methods. Or perhaps she does but simply doesn't agree with them. Whatever, this is her choice, her method, and you must respect that.

1. If she is having 'bonding' issues with her dd (which I can relate to; my dd1 was a terrible screamer, not at all the little angel I had envisaged during pregnancy) then seeing you snuggled up to her is bound to cause her to fly off the handle and react in the most primal fashion. It probably sent her crazy with jealousy and possessiveness. I'm not surprised, especially if you come across as a very 'capable' parent. I bet she hated having to ask for help, but out of sheer desperation she has had to. Pride is probably playing a massive part here.

Whatever, I really hope the whole thing is resolved. I do think you should both apologise to one another though for the misunderstanding.

I think that what you did was best for the distressed baby. It's what the baby needs. How awful to be so small and lonely.

But the baby's not yours. Her parents get to choose how to do it, however much that goes against your own instincts, and mine.

Sounds distressing for you too.

I can see both sides. In the middle of the night, and with a screaming baby I'd have done the same. I so sleep most of the night with 2yo DD and alsways hvae. However, you SIL (and presumably BIL) do not agree with co sleeping, for whatever reason. And therefore ywbu. As I said, so would I ahve been!

I wonder why co-sleeping is such a contentious issue? We are so brainwashed these days by HCPs (mostly health visitors) giving us advice about how to raise our offspring. I think this is what causes such anger and overreaction as demonstrated by the sil. I read research studies as part of my work and frankly for every study I've seen that says co-sleeping increases the risk of sids i've seen another that says it reduces it. Sleeping in separate rooms was a practice introduced by the Victorians - we all know what great parents they were!! Having said that my twins were 9 weeks premature and they spent the first 8 weeks of their lives in cribs in a neonatal unit - doesn't seem to have done them any harm - both very happy, sociable and affectionate.
I think the sil WBU but with understandable excuse - sleep deprivation still used as a form of torture in some parts of the world. However I don't think OP should beat herself up - she was just trying to give comfort to a distressed infant - I would have kissed her feet if she had done it for me.

I think given the fact that your SIL is struggling and the baby doesn't sleep through, if I were the OP, I would assume I was going around to 'do the night shift' i.e. do what SIL does on a night and if that meant broken sleep for me, that's what the arrangement would be.

Surely your SIL didn't imagine that you would be able to sleep through, and assumed that you were stepping in for her - doing what she does? I again assume she didn't invite you round to try something new...simply to follow her routine and allow her a 'night off'.

As I say, if it were me, I would assume I would have a night of hard work. It would be on that basis I would say Yes or No.....I would have said Yes, but I would have expected an awake night.

I feel for the parents struggling with a new baby and taking the most difficult path, fearing if they don't then their tiny baby will not 'learn to sleep' :(

I feel for the baby left alone, no heartbeat or sounds of their parents breathing at such a young age. If the baby was just a room away with open doors maybe she would be comforted enough to sleep ? But several floors away that is asking a lot of such a young baby ! :(

I think OP was doing a lovely thing to give the parents a break but I can see how the parents don't see it that way.

BTW.

What we usually call co-sleeping, should be called bed sharing when the mother and baby share the same sleeping surface. If the baby is in the same room as the parents in a side car cot (OP, highly recommend one for your SIL) or own cot then that can still be called co-sleeping or room sharing.

Lastly if the baby is lactose intolerant (rather than cow milk protein intolerant) then the mother could not breastfeed. As all milk including human breastmilk has lactose sugars in it. If it was 'just' cow milk protein then the mother may choose to have a restrictive diet if she wishes to continue to breastfeed but that doesn't sound like the case here according to the OP.

Best of luck OP. I hope the baby's parents and baby learn to give and take and meet each other's needs and find a common path that they all can thrive on. No sleep isn't fun for anyone, parents and baby alike.

I havent done it since a charge nurse in the childrens itu whne dd was in there,told me tha there had been 3 sids in the last few months and all were co sleeping. She co slept herself but said wouldnt change it now as her 2 were over 2 but wouldnt risk it knowing what she did.Dd has fallen asleep with me from time to time,esp in the early days but the voice kept saying "dont risk it" so i didnt.I have no problems with anyone doing it and am jealous in a way that they are not as uptight as i am.I think i would have been a bit annoyed that as im not doing it that someone else did risk it.
That said you make a good case for it when you say how well the poor little thing settled.
Dd is 6 months now and i occasionally boot out dh into the bedroom so she can snozze in his space in the early hours Its lovely.

Sorry it's all gone no tits up for you, OP.

If your SIL and BIL want someone to snuggle their beautiful baby one night for them, I'll do it (big fan of co-sleeping). Just don't let them have a go at me in the morning...
BTW - I thought co-sleeping was only dangerous if you are drunk, high or obese - were you any of those, OP???

I fail to see why your mil felt the need to stick her oar in. You have achieved one thing though OP - when the baby fails to settle again - because she's too young and needs the reassurance of her parents close by - your sil will blame you and not herself.

I think it is pretty odd of your SIL and BIL to have called you in before trying everything to get a decent night's sleep and I would include some form of co-sleeping in that. Either they are desperate or they aren't. If they just expected you to do what they do then they would get one night's respite and then a return to being exhausted when they were back to being in control. I really don't understand where your BIL and SIL have got their attitudes about their DD's sleep from. Perhaps I am biased as co-sleeping has been great for us and I am sure I have got much more sleep as a result of co-sleeping.

you were doing your best and what seems natural to you as a mum. I can see your sisters point of view though. When did "letting the baby in our bed" become "co-sleeping" though? Im sure that all this terminology just makes being a parent more stressful!

hmmm only read 1st and last page of this thread but.....

yanbu and I am not very pro co-sleeping! I say you are not because your sil and bil asked you to come and help, in my mind if you hand over your responsibility of your baby to someone else in desperation then all you should be is grateful that they are willing to help!!! Not sure that makes sense but I know what I mean!!!

For example when my dd was a few wks old and I was very ill my mum helped out a lot - the way she managed dd would not have been the same as I would have done but God I was just happy and relieved to have her help and support!!!

If it was me in that situation I would have done more to follow the parents instructions and Im wondering about if baby needs to be swaddled and have a dummy? Those things I would have done before bringing her into bed with me.