To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

If someone offered, no wait - If I asked someone to look after my baby for me overnight and they agreed, as long as I knew that someone was responsible, my only response would be gratitude. If I was as tired as SIL seems to have been, I would in fact be incoherent with gratitude. And to whoever said that this couple are going to find parenting a shock - couldn't agree more.

They don't need a child that sleeps better or indeed an obliging sister in law. They need a smaller house

I have to say - when I first read the thread, I thought it was going to be about the OP breastfeeding the baby neice.

Would that be ok too? If the baby had been settled and satisfied and slept, and since the OP did it with her own child and knew it was a good thing to do for him?

How would you all feel if this was a thread about the OP choosing to breastfeed the baby instead of formula feeding her? The same? Or different?

I think it's fairly clear that you're truly not looking to see if you were BU, but looking for people to back up your side of the argument.

You asked if you were BU, some said yes, some said no. I don't see you saying "yes, perhaps I was BU, but to avoid any miscommunication in future, I'll make sure we discuss things first." Just drip feeding and about what floor people are sleeping on and such.

No point carrying this any further is there? You obviously feel justified, and if you relayed it to her as you have to us, have probably been fairly patronising to her as well. I'd say give her some space.

But I still maintain YWBU, as you went against what was an obvious decision about sleeping arrangements and cosleeping (by virtue of her telling you the baby is sleeping in the cot in the other room).

I think they need to get over themselves a bit & stop being 'perfect first parents'

You were doing them a favour & clearly if they had the baby in bed with them, they could all sleep. You feel asleep, the parents had a sleep & all is well.

I thought you were going to say you'd breastfeed her (I say good on you for that ; -))

YABU - if a favour is given genuinely then it shouldn't be on your terms. It has to be on SIL's. I would also have been very, very upset and angry if I found someone had co-slept with my child (particularly when I, like SIL, had decided not to). Equally if I was looking after someone's child I wouldn't presume to start introducing new routines because they worked for me, not my decision to make. I think you need to apologise now, however right you feel what you did was, before this turns into a huge rift - obviously SIL is exhausted and emotional, not a time to be being reasonable about something that has upset her so you need to make the first move.

"clearly if they had the baby in bed with them, they could all sleep."

Again, what an assumption. For some families, co-sleeping is NOT a good option. We could NEVER do it in our house - DH is a very deep sleeper and rolls all over the place. There is no way in hell I would put a baby in the same bed as him. And I have a tendency to move about quite a bit at night. Again, not a safe option. So co-sleeping is not safe in our situation.

How do you know that they don't have similar issues? Perhaps because of something similar, co-sleeping isn't a good option for them? Just because they haven't said anything specific about it, that doesn't mean that they haven't perhaps explored that option but discarded it due to their own personal circumstances.

FGS - op should not appologise - ILs asked her and her DH and her son to drive an hour to give them a nights sleep. OP could either have said no or gone and stayed awake all night watching the baby scream or do what she did, hold the baby till it slept and then slept on the bed beside it. Why on earth should she appologise, she took the route that let the parents sleep and caused least distress to the poor baby.

Are you all mad?

I would've done the same thing as you OP. xx

Yy quite right Triggles. My dh is an incredibly deep sleeper too and that contributed towards us not co-sleeping, not that you need to justify your decision anyway, it's your baby!

It's easy to be judgemental on other people's parenting though isn't it?

Maybe the OP has good reason for keeping her 16 month old up til 10PM - but I doubt she'd enjoy being criticised for it.

Well said Velvetsnow!

Personally, I don't think you are being unreasonable. The only way I could get my two to sleep when they were that age was in the bed with me and OH - no, it wasn't ideal and wasn't what I had expected but as we were completely sleep deprived and OH was back at work, frankly some sleep was better than none.

If I trusted my sister enough to look after the baby for the entire night, I would trust her enough to make a judgement about sleeping arrangements. Also, if I was that upset and stressed with the no sleeping I think I would have probably wept in relief that the baby had slept so well!

Having said that, I think you should apologise for upsetting her but maybe gently suggest that having the baby in a different room is not working? (She should also apologise to you btw)

Don't ring to apologise. You were doing them a massive favour and you said sorry at the time. Am shocked that they would ask you to effectively take over for a night - they sound pathetic.

Leave it and don't do them a favour again.

"Bil lives in a four storey town house. Baby is on first floor, they are on fourth floor"

What was the purpose of adding this

I asked where the parents were ( out of sheer nosiness! )

I think the SIL panicked because she didn't know where the baby was. If this was the first time someone else has been responsible for the baby, then that's natural. She'd also slept for 11 hours on the run and that must have made her feel weird (ie lightheaded.)

When I co-slept with my children, I had the big double bed up against the wall. I slept under a quilt but laid a cotton blanket on top of their side of the bed, on top of the quilt, and they slept with another blanket wrapped around them. I don't think I slept deeply - I was always aware of the slightest movement. I didn't think what I did was dangerous.

I think an exhausted carer is far more dangerous, actually, eg driving, pouring boiling water, forgetting to test bath water, etc.

Would she have been happy, I wonder, if the OP was sitting on the sofa, legs stretched out on a pouffe, holding the baby? Would she have been furious that the routine was broken?

I don't think the OP was unreasonable. I don't think I would have liked it myself, but then I couldn't have handed over my baby to someone else - I would have looked for an alternative method, eg co-sleeping.

I do think the SIL was unreasonable deciding not to breastfeed a baby with severe lactose intolerance. If she could breastfeed then I think she should have, in that situation.

Blowthewind

Are you serious.

They put their 6 wo DD on the first floor whilst they slept on the fourth floor with the monitor OFF.

What is right about that FFS?

Just to be clear.

The risks for SIDs are smoking, drinking, not breastfeeding, baby on front, baby under six months in different room.

Safe co sleeping is not and never has been a co sleeping risk, in fact it protects against SIDS.

So the SIL went ballistic as the OP about a perceived but not actual SIDS risks, whilst actively invoking two risks in her parenting.

Nuts.

I can understand why your SIL was annoyed, as there is a safety aspect involved - and she can parent however she wants.

However, you were doing her a favour, and surely she didn't expect you to be awake all night trying to get the baby into her cot? You're not a night nanny.

At the end of the day, everyone got a full night's sleep. Wasn't that the aim o the whole exercise!?

I don't think she saw your post valium:

Piggyleroux Sat 06-Aug-11 19:59:14
Sil has been sleeping on the same floor in a different room on some nights when dd is particularly restless. I agree, no pint in adding that.

quepoi not mad no, but it is not OP's baby, the parents have the right to choose their own parenting choices, OP did something that was potentially the right thing, but which was against the parent's choice - so they are understandably angry.

And FWIW, I said the OP was being unreasonable; I cosleep and to the whole attachment parenting thing myself too.

But his whole, if you don't BF and co-sleep you are Gina Fora and then saying what if you found you BF baby in a cot with a bottle are ignorant (at best); a hell of a lot worse, at worst.

sorry, keyboard sticking badly

"They put their 6 wo DD on the first floor whilst they slept on the fourth floor with the monitor OFF.

What is right about that FFS?"

They had someone minding her! The child wasn't abandoned.

I, personally, wouldn't have done what the parents in the OP did - but that's not the point - OP seems to be adding in digs at their parenting to justify overstepping the mark. It's just not relevant. The baby monitor was turned off as the OP was there - there is no implication they don't use on other nights.

I did see Valiums post.